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ok. im a fun loving guy and find strange situations like this weekend. i have a ringing sensation in my ears and am spun from driving four hours from nashville to memphis. chemical balance in my body was pretty perfect this weekend, even gave me a nice cannabis tolerance break and cross tolerance break as well. took some subhole material xtals and had some awesome body vibes and blue and yellow vision as I was listening to some dub-ish borderline (psy)trance electronic stuff for a few hours, experienceing a nice solo trip with others totally unaware is fun(phun). outside the venue peaking talking to a random guy from lexington maybe. talked about some various tryptamines and stuff to people but no one was into the psytrance scene other than me, i was downing my hand twisting and freakin people out, laughing about it and doing funky dancing is another thing i can dig now. i used to be so afraid of dancing. thanks for reading computer. waterphalls for the win and bluelight blog rambling aswell.

I've been super super down lately.....well, up and down. Lots of personal issues but I'm hoping today will be different......
Its going to be partly sunny- I downloaded some music, maybe it'll get me up and about......Open my blinds, listen to music and clean.....
Its funny because one of my things with my therapist a few weeks ago was that I never admit when I'm down, I tell sad stories with a smile and don't give myself enough time to be depressed if I need it (b/c I will deny it!)-
After that session I just became so down.
I felt weak for being like my mother and denying......
I realized I was burying a lot of sadness and disappointment and loss.....
So here I am - catchin' up on sad days-
Hopefully today will be different.

I've been dwelling on 'quick fixes' lately. I'm realizing that they never really satisfied and the temporary nature simply leaves me feeling empty and not worthwhile.

My ex-girlfriend 'M' is back in my life (I've blogged about her extensively). Her father had passed away recently and she caught her boyfriend attempting to cheat on her. We began talking and started sleeping together again.

Neither one of us is looking to start the relationship back up again and we both realize that what we are doing is only temporary.

I dunno, the sex is amazing and I am aware that this is primarily a physical thing that we are involved in but I still get these feelings of inadequacy. I KNOW that we are not meant to be together. She is no longer what I'm looking for and I am definitely NOT what she is seeking. But still... ...it sucks knowing that.

I know I'm a good dude and I have qualities that are worthy but...

Fuck, I guess I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and I'm certain that she has the same thing going on concerning me.

I guess the point is, these quick fixes are just like the drugs. Feels great at the time but there is always that shitty feeling afterwards.

Maybe its the weather and the fact that I have been procrastinating with some things lately that is making me feel all BLAH! inside.

Blah!

if any one reads this,feel free to reply as long as is relevant to the subject.....i need help...can any body tell me where can i buy some SALVINORIN A CRYSTALS??? i dont understand how all this botanical shops sell salvia extract n liquid salvia but dont sell the cristals(personaly i think they'r a bunch of pussys)is not like is illegal any ways, at least i know that is not any more illigal than salvia is!. and yes...i know i could extract it my self but is too much bull shit to do it. buying the necesary quimicals to do it is practicly impossible,and if any one is familiar with this u'll know what im talking about. so if any body knows some thing or where to get it from,just hit me up baby!>>>>the sooner the better

What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

03/15/10 3:20 PM

My real friends stopped hanging out with me because I was caught up in chasing after what I needed. They had their reasons and I can’t blame them.

In the heart of my addiction, I never really spent time with friends or associates because I was too busy ‘getting, using and finding ways and means to get more’. I preferred to get high by myself because of my mannerisms when high as well as I HATED when people dope-fiended me for my shit.

03/16/10 10:21 PM

Well, this sucks. I almost forgot one of the most significant instances: (copied from a Blog entry)

End of the beginning? 12-05-2009 19:42

So, I picked up again.

I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time.

A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up).

I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.

I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.

I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.

I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke. She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.

The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.

She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to. I'm an asshole. I hurt her.

I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me.

I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.


The next two pages have two notes that she left on my bed among all my drug paraphernalia:

What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

03/15/10 3:11 PM

Off the top of my head I can think of a few things:

• Emotional distance

• Financial strain

• Emotional strain

• Disappointment

• Shame

• Inability to be there when needed

For some reason I don’t want to answer further and I don’t really feel like trying to figure out why.

Like I really need another excuse... But I am enjoying my day a little more than most mondays. How is the day treating you so far?

I've been the one since last year, when you decided to end what was our semi-open-relationship, to always initiate contact, and initiate meeting up, and thus keeping our friendship (whatever friendship was left) alive. In the past 6 months or so I have always been the one to suggest meeting up, suggest hanging out, suggest going to events, suggest spending time together, pushing, asking when you're free, when he's busy, pushing and chasing.

Lately its gotten to a point where it hurts me to think of asking you if you're free and want to do something, expecting to be shot down because you're busy with your boyfriend. Every time I text you to see if you're busy, every time I chat to you to see what you're up to, every time I suggest that we should hang out, do something, I put myself out on the line, prepared to be hurt, I wait here, waiting to be shot down, denied over the fact that I'm no longer your priority. And every time that you reply with that you're busy with him, I am reminded again about what I've lost with you and how things have changed.

I can't always wait here for you, wait for you to be free and constantly push even just to keep our platonic friendship alive. I can't always be the one to initiate contact even as friends, to organise to catch up, to still be a part of each others lives. There has to be something from your end, or else its just me disrespecting myself again and again over someone who doesn't care about me or our friendship.

It confuses me at times when you agree to seeing me and spending time with me (sometimes inappropriate amounts of time with me) as to whether you wanted us to be friends or not. On one hand you never initiate anything - which says to me you didn't want to be friends. And on the other hand when you do agree to seeing me when I chase - it makes me think that you do want to be friends. I think its time that if you really do want to still be in each others lives, it has to be equal.

Despite my romantic feelings for you, I still greatly value our platonic friendship. I have many 'friends' who I don't share half of what I still share with you despite what has happened in the past. Perhaps you feel the same. It can't be one sided though, and as much as I value our platonic friendship, because its so one sided, I lose a little self respect every time I put myself out there with you.

There has got to be limits, and I can't always be the one chasing, pushing, putting myself out there all the time, wearing my already shattered heart on my sleeve.

If you don't want this to work, if you don't want to be part of my life anymore and if you don't want me to be part of yours, then continue doing what you've been doing, and keep on never getting in touch, and keep on not seeing me. Perhaps have the decency to let me know as well, so I'm not left dangling on your hook.

Like I am sure you know, I care deeply about you and will never forget the bond we once shared and the friendship we once had.

I'm not sure where to go from here, I'll always be friendly if I see you, and I'm sure we'll always still be able to get along and have fun if by chance we happen to meet through mutual friends etc.

If you decide you want to be friends again, and you're willing to make the effort from your side of things as well, as well as face the reality behind making the effort to contact me, and what that means to you, and your relationship as well, then please get in touch with me, I'm never far and we can always work something out. Until then I think I need to gather up the scattered pieces of my broken heart and self respect and slowly put them back together again. How can you ever respect me if I don't respect myself?

I've decided to go back to using meth regularly. I know it's not a good decision, but I feel forced into it. The drug & alcohol service is refusing to prescribe me safe pharmaceutical amphetamines, and until they do, I'll be scoring meth off dealers and gangs like I used to.

The problem is this: without meth, I can't function. Imagine chronic fatigue syndrome combined with depression and ADD. That's what it's like. Getting out of bed in the morning feels like climbing Mount Everest, and during the day I don't have any energy or motivation, so I usually just lie around doing nothing. I also can't focus on anything...

I can't follow a TV show, I can't read much, I can't write much, I rarely leave the house, and so on. It sucks. It really does. Professionals have told me that things will return to normal in time, but they haven't given me any indication of what that time frame could be. It might be months or even years. I can't wait that long. I'm not "living", I'm just "existing" miserably. That's partly what drove me to attempt suicide today.

All I needed was a prescription for dexies, but every doctor/shrink I've seen has said "no". So I'm now back to smoking poison again. Meth has taken a horrible toll on my health (people have said that I probably won't survive another year of heavy use), so if I die, the New Zealand health system is to blame. Again, all I needed was a fucking prescription. A prescription for medication to make me feel human again.

Bl is just a passing thought these days, as it should be being a web site.

Im clean, have been for a long long time.

I was happier before all of this and am regaining that same sense of reality back.

I am happy and buying my own place and am picking up from where I lost it.

There is no place in my heart for the people that turned their back on me or went out of their way to hurt me. There is room for those I care about and those who care about me.

Mostly the Yanks of course.

Love you Jilie and crew

So? How's it looking in your opinions?

Mum has been nagging me to make an appointment for a dental exam, which I'm reluctant to do. Last time I saw a dentist was several years ago, and my heavy meth use since then has done some damage. Ok, a lot of damage.

My teeth are horribly stained (and one or two seem to be blackening!) and my gums have receded to the point that the roots of my lower front teeth are completely exposed. It'll cost a lot of money to fix all that, and government funded healthcare in NZ doesn't apply to dental work.

My logic concerning dentists is slightly different to my mum's. She believes in regular check-up's, whereas I don't. I believe you should wait until you're in excruciating, mind-numbing pain before you consider picking up the phone and making an appointment.

Today is Sunday, March 14th, 2010 and it is now 1013 AM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

To recap...My Sidekick phone was stolen in the public library, I was punked by a 13 year old, and Jackie's PC and DVD player were stolen by her youngest brother.

I had resigned myself to doing without any kind of "special" phone when a visiting cousin offered to sell me his Sidekick 2008, since he had just bought a G3 (different brand, possibly better phone). 100 US seems fair enough though I do know someone who offered me the same phone for a mere 50 US. However, it is much easier to track down a relative than some acquaintance should the phone go belly up.

The same day, Friday, Jackie had gone to the on-base internet cafe to mess around with Youtube. Her home is about a block from the cafe so it is something she tends to do often.

As we were IMing she suddenly told me, "Baby, my niece is here telling me my bro just broke my sala (living room) window and is in my house again!" I told her to be safe but hurry home. Bidding me a fast goodbye she quickly arrived at the house only to see her eldest sister (who had been babysitting Jackie's kids while she had gone to the cafe) in tears. Seeing her brother she lashed into him only to have him grab her arm and bruise it severely. At that point Jackie's father arrived on the scene and soon he and Jackie were crying along with Jackie's sister.

The brother had been looking for cash and not finding any went ballistic. Storming off to their parents' home, he went into a deep sleep.

Jackie's sister notified the MPs who deployed but said they could not arrest the guy unless he was in the open since warrants do not extend to private dwellings in the Philippines.

Finally, 2 days ago he came to Jackie and apologised. She said she can forgive him but will never feel as close to him as she once did. It seems that he jas a "Shabu" addiction.

Shabu is Japanese slang meaning, "Go Fast." An apt name then for very pure methamphetamine hcl, in smokable form. Apart from Hawaii (and Guam) Americans have very little knowledge of the phenomenon. If any Americans happen to be reading this, imagine Crack (cocaine freebase) to the 10th power. Shabu gives an 8 hour "high" off just a single hit, as opposed to 2 to 3 minutes off of an equivalent dosage of Crack.

The entire Philippines has been effected by what has been a 10 year fascination with the drug though for the last 3 years it seems to be getting progressively better.

So now, with all this maddening drama, Jackie has taken to always dropping major "hints" as to how this shit would not be happening if I had returned (to Mindanao) quickly since when I do she assumes we will be making our "life."

I do intend to find a suitable place for us to live (obviously living in San Franz is not going to be an option due to Rizza's family, nor Mindanao at all given her maniacal "ex"). However I do not plan on returning before June.

May 10th will be a Presidential Election (along with all other elections). The Philipines always has more bloodshed than usual before any election and this, as I said, being a Presidential Election it is especially dangerous.

In addition, for reasons I MAY touch upon in an upcoming "Blood and Guts" entry, I reckon another coup is very likely to happen either in late April or very early May (prior to the May 10th Election).

Furthermore, it is a very dangerous time for me personally to be there (Rido with Uncle Allen-meaning blood feud, Govt investigation into Paramilitaries, State of Calamity just having been declared for all of Mindanao 36 hours ago, another subject I will touch upon, etc).

I explainrd all this to Jackie as much as I can but her concept of the world is much more different than mine. The farthest she has ever been is to Jolo (medium sized Muslim island in the Philippines, due south of Mindanao) and to Manila (Fort Bonifacio, the Military HQ (when her bro was killed on Jolo). She has lived almost her entire life on the same military base she was born on.

I explain about inherent risks, security and economic concerns and while she is certainly intelligent enough to understand, it is really abstract to her.

I know though that as each day pases I myself find it more difficult to stay away. Even without her I love Mindanao, but with her in my life it a deep yearning, something I have never known.

And on a related tact...Rizza has once again stopped communicating with me. I spoke to her mother about a week ago, and she said that whatever I decide to do (as far as ending the marriage), the family will abide by it but I know it is destroying her.

She did ask me to stop talking about Rizza online. Since this is the only place I have ever even mentioned her name, let alone sordid details, it confirmed my feeling that at least she (Mom) reads these entries.

Then, after not hearing from Rizza in close to 2 weeks I found (will not say how) that she began using her BL ID again. I guess she just gets curious about what I am doing, etc.

My 1st inclination was to rush here to my Blog and re-edit all Jackie's identifying info out of the entries. "Jackie" is not her real name but I do post a lot of information so...I decided in the end it does not really matter. Sooner or later they will all be able to find each other anyway unless I simply walk away from all my investments with Rizza's family (and those in proximity to them).

Anyway, life as I know it. Nice thunder storm right now (I love them!), no methadone today. Funny, I begin to hate being opiated. The nodding, the inability to remain coherent, to fully concentrate and yet I still have not reached the point where I can treuly envision myelf living opiate-free.

Music wise listening to Aldo Nova, great 80s rock icon: "Ball and Chain" and "Can't Stop Lovin' You." Great songs!

OMG ever since Coley had a drug overdose he has been SOOOOO clingy and annoying. I am a girl who truly values my personal space, and he is constantly prying, following me around like a puppy, and trying to get me to marry him. How about slowing down and gaining my respect first idiot?

BTW I will probably delete this after I have cooled down...

I guess someone wisened up, he's signed the papers. I guess his lawyer told him what would happen if he didn't. LOL!!!

**doing happy dance**

EKG came out fine. The doctor is sending me to get a heart ultrasound and a referal to a lung specialist.

So yeah MORE testing.

The medicine seems to be healping my breathing.

I am doing good on half the clonazepam i was on before, but all its stopping is the lightheadedness and I can pay attention.

At the beginning of the song Omerta by Lamb Of God is a spoken quote:

"Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, 'If I live, I will kill you. If I die, you are forgiven.' Such is the Rule of Honor."

Too right. Fuck the law. If somebody robs or hurts me, I don't call the cops...

So,
I told R to fuck off yesterday. I don't need him now that C has realized how much he is in love with me, and we are back to being in perfect harmony.
gosh, it scares me how close I came to cheating, though. Like, I had even bought condoms and was practicing putting them on a dildo (since haven't used one in a long time)!
I just sometimes need to remind myself that I am worthy of being the number one love to a guy, who knows I am not perfect, and has their own imperfections, but we are both cool with that.

I got a call from my mom this morning. She went to a doctor's appointment and the doctor said she needed to be admitted to the hospital for observation. She didn't want to take an ambulance so I cruised out and drove her to the Emergency Room.

Apparently the medication that she had been taking for high blood pressure had caused her heart rate to drop to 37. People have said that she shouldn't even be standing with a heart rate that low but she was quite functional and perfectly lucid.

Anyway, this medication that she was prescribed caused some sort of receptor or something to no longer function properly and they said that she may need a pacemaker.

I stayed with her, asked the nurses questions, got her juice, ran to the house to grab some of her favorite books, took notes for what needed to be done for my niece's birthday party tomorrow that my mom was so looking forward to, called my brother and dad to let them know what was going on and stayed with her until she was taken from the ER to an actual room in the hospital.

I recognize that these are all things that any 'normal' person would do but... I've NEVER been responsible like that when it came to family. I was always chasing after my next high or sleeping off the last one. I was always lazy and selfishly self-centered.

I could see that it was comforting that I was there and I took charge of asking important questions. She was able to relax (for once).

Somewhere along the line of me getting clean, I became a son.

What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?

03/12/10 3:14 PM

I have experienced the standard ‘troubles’ that any drug addict has experienced concerning school and work. Below is a list:

WORK

• Tardiness

• Lethargy

• Frequent sick days

• Advances on my pay

• Inefficiency

• Quitting for no valid reason

SCHOOL

• Missed classes

• Not completing homework assignments

• Late to classes

• Dropping out altogether

• Unwillingness to study

• Overdose in junior high school

• Detentions in high school

• Suspended from high school

• Arrested in high school

• Expulsion from high school

• Dropping out of high school

Well I knew my luck would run out sooner or later. Legally the tech can't say anything but she kinda did. She went to me AFTER she took the x-ray's "Are you a smoker?" (insert internal "im going to fucking kick T's ass and FAAACK!) and I told her "No" and she goes "Oh?......" and then I said "...but I do have bronchitis" and then she sounded like an AH HA! moment hit her and said "Oh ok".

So I kinda get the feeling that that x-ray was a nasty looking bitch.

So now I have a Chest X-Ray this afternoon and a EKG tomorrow afternoon. I have also been perscribed medication to open my airways and also something about some kind of infection that might be causing the airway ristriction. I have 2 different meds for this. I have also been put back on clonazepam but 1/2 the dosage as before, just in case this is all just mostly just clonazepam withdrawals. He's worried because of the breathing issues and the chest pain. Which is why the chest x-ray and EKG. That way he can rule out everything that is obvious first. with chest xray he can also make sure its not TB.

I will try and update when I know wtf is going on.

Won't be online this coming week as it's march break. So I will be missing out on all our lovely online stuff until next weekend. Might be able to come online saturday when the kiddo is at bowling.

I so love medical drama....and drama in general in my life..... /sarcasm.