I’ve done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
02/26/10 1:42 PM
Well, some of the things I’ve done that go against the ideals of who I would like to be (as opposed to who I was) I will list according to character flaws or defects. You see, its real easy to say I want to be a humble, honest, selfless individual but actually practicing such things as humility, honesty and selflessness is quite different.
Below are examples:
Humility
Sometimes I strut around in meetings like I’m the baddest motherfucker in the room. Sometimes, yeah, I’m on-point and ready to fight. Why the hell would I carry myself in such a way and be willing to throw fists in a NA meeting? Well, there are some shady characters in the rooms, people with significant clean time that are looking to take advantage of us newcomers (especially the female newcomer). I have little tolerance for those who are looking to take advantage of us new folks.
We are vulnerable In the early stages of this recovery thing and, for me, I wanted/needed very badly to not have to be on my guard all the time. I was tired and needed my meetings to be a place where I could relax and let my guard down a little. For the most part, I can relax nowadays because I think people know not to fuck with me. The thing is, my cockiness and arrogance most certainly makes me unapproachable to people newer than me. This behavior that I’m exhibiting is simply another form of perpetrating isolation. The two previous time periods that I was involved in NA, isolation was a big issue for me. I need to avoid it at all costs. I agree with my sponsor, recovery is about many things and one of the most important of those things is positive relationships. I can’t have a positive relationship with anyone if I make myself unapproachable.
Temptation
Around the time I got out of rehab, I learned that syringes had recently become available over-the-counter without a prescription. Many times when grocery shopping, I have walked past that pharmacy just DYING to purchase a fresh box of spikes. Needles are VERY attractive to me (especially a fresh box of 100). The thought is always in my mind when I see a pharmacy nowadays. I have separated the thought from the action and I know that this question is asking ‘what have I actually acted out on’ but I need to call myself out on my needle fixation.
Below is another entry from my journal that exemplifies acting out in a manner that isn’t conducive to what I want to achieve:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=2288
02/26/10 1:42 PM
Well, some of the things I’ve done that go against the ideals of who I would like to be (as opposed to who I was) I will list according to character flaws or defects. You see, its real easy to say I want to be a humble, honest, selfless individual but actually practicing such things as humility, honesty and selflessness is quite different.
Below are examples:
Humility
Sometimes I strut around in meetings like I’m the baddest motherfucker in the room. Sometimes, yeah, I’m on-point and ready to fight. Why the hell would I carry myself in such a way and be willing to throw fists in a NA meeting? Well, there are some shady characters in the rooms, people with significant clean time that are looking to take advantage of us newcomers (especially the female newcomer). I have little tolerance for those who are looking to take advantage of us new folks.
We are vulnerable In the early stages of this recovery thing and, for me, I wanted/needed very badly to not have to be on my guard all the time. I was tired and needed my meetings to be a place where I could relax and let my guard down a little. For the most part, I can relax nowadays because I think people know not to fuck with me. The thing is, my cockiness and arrogance most certainly makes me unapproachable to people newer than me. This behavior that I’m exhibiting is simply another form of perpetrating isolation. The two previous time periods that I was involved in NA, isolation was a big issue for me. I need to avoid it at all costs. I agree with my sponsor, recovery is about many things and one of the most important of those things is positive relationships. I can’t have a positive relationship with anyone if I make myself unapproachable.
Temptation
Around the time I got out of rehab, I learned that syringes had recently become available over-the-counter without a prescription. Many times when grocery shopping, I have walked past that pharmacy just DYING to purchase a fresh box of spikes. Needles are VERY attractive to me (especially a fresh box of 100). The thought is always in my mind when I see a pharmacy nowadays. I have separated the thought from the action and I know that this question is asking ‘what have I actually acted out on’ but I need to call myself out on my needle fixation.
Below is another entry from my journal that exemplifies acting out in a manner that isn’t conducive to what I want to achieve:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=2288