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I saw her...

C and I almost broke up. I told him we couldn't change eachother to be something we are not. I don't want to live in the country (bumfucknowhere). I respect that all his family is there, and he has strong ties, but they hate me. We CONCLUDED that there was no hope for our future. My best friend and I parted ways.
A few hours later, he called me, crying, his mother on the phone, telling me she didn't blame me for his ODing. He FOUGHT with his parents over me! The bad girl whose own family hardly even wants her. And it was sweet... and I do love him- It's just- something's off. We are BFF, and he loves me so much.
Seeing my first love's pics tonight reminded me of how that used to feel. Wanting to be with someone the rest of your life. Have I ever felt that way about C? I'm not sure...

Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I stabbed that dude when I was jumped by 12 members of a local gang. I received 15 stitches, two black eyes and multiple bruises from that incident. It was two days prior to my girlfriend’s high school graduation. Ha! I looked great for THAT event.

My friends and I were drinking and smoking weed on a rooftop in town and we saw these dude’s on the street selling powder. Back then powder coke was referred to as ‘butter’. We were all drunk and yelled down to potential customers ‘that shit ain’t butter, its fuckin’ Parkay’ and ‘look at the white boys sellin’ garbage!’. There were only three or four of them that we could see and we really didn’t give a shit.

One of the dudes threw a brick up at us and it hit a wall, bounced and hit my girlfriend in her back. Her brother got pissed and ran down the balcony. I ran after him to back him up.

I got to the alley way that he ran to and he had disappeared. There were, however, about 12 dudes standing in that alley. We started yelling shit at each other, I pulled my knife out and a dude threw a brick or large rock at my head. I ducked and lost my balance. The next thing I knew I was getting kicked and punched by a bunch of mother fuckers. I still had my knife in my hand and thrust out. I still remember feeling it enter and sensing a reaction.

It isn’t clear after that but I remember laying on the ground, answering questions fielded by paramedics and/or police.

When in real danger, have I ever felt indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I guess this is referring to ‘immediate’ and ‘present’ danger as opposed to ‘potential’ (i.e. the danger of the daily process of copping on the streets of North Philly).

The only time I was in ‘real’ danger on my last run was the time I had just gotten back from Colorado and didn’t know where to cop any shit from. I was drun k one night and REALLY wanted some coke (whether it was powder or crack I didn’t care). It was about 2 or 3 in the morning and in my brilliance, I decided to drive through North Philly looking for corners to score from. I saw two dudes walking down the street, we made eye contact and did the ‘head nod’ thing.

They motioned me to pull over. I did. They walked to my car and told me to pull into a dark lot next to an abandoned building. I told them I wasn’t doing that and that we could do it here. They asked me what I wanted and I told them I wanted powder. The dude in the front moved to the side and I saw that the other guy was holding a shotgun and it was pointed at me (maybe 2 or 3 feet away). The other guy reached into the car and said ‘gimme the money’. I’m no idiot so I gave the dude my $80 bucks. He then reached into the car and tried to unlock and open the car door while saying ‘it’s cool, it’s cool, relax’. I slammed on the gas and ducked down as I drove away.

I was actually very relaxed when this occurred and really didn’t care if I got hurt. I was more concerned about being further inconvenienced by them taking my car and leaving me stranded downtown. I was more pissed about my stupid drunken idea and the fact that I was out $80.

New Zealand's new right-wing government has decided to get tough on beneficiaries (people who receive weekly payments from the government to support themselves, due to unemployment, sickness, solo parenting, etc.) in order to save a bit of cash. I could be in trouble here, cos my benefit is due to be reviewed in a few months time, and I may no longer qualify. In the past, my doctor wrote "major depressive disorder" as the reason I could not work, because that was my diagnosis at the time. But now my diagnoses have changed. I no longer have "major depressive disorder"; I have "poly-substance dependence" and "borderline personality disorder."

I heard somewhere that personality disorders don't qualify someone for a benefit, and while drug dependence has been a valid reason, it may not be any more if the government has their way. So if they cut my benefit, what do they expect me to do? And how do they expect me to survive? There are very few jobs available at the moment, and I'd be the last person an employer would hire due to my criminal record and total lack of work experience or qualifications. If I get shifted onto the unemployment benefit cos the government no longer considers drug addicts worthy of the sickness benefit, I'll be on it for a very long time, and regularly questioned about why I haven't found a job. Shit, maybe I'll just have to start dealing drugs instead! 8)

I haven't made many blog entries lately, as someone recently pointed out, so I thought I'd write a quick update. As I mentioned in the Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion thread in The Dark Side, I've relapsed heavily on meth. Mostly because the local drug & alcohol service is refusing to prescribe me pharmaceutical amphetamines (I heard they've prescribed it to other meth addicts before, so I don't understand why they aren't giving them to me), and their counselling isn't working, so I feel like I'm being forced back into using again. I just can't function or live a normal life without meth... I'm dependant on it.

I don't have enough money to fund a daily habit cos I'm no longer dealing/hustling like I used to, so I've hooked up with a dealer who gives me as much as I want in return for "company". Yeah, it's trashy and superficial, but at the moment it's the only way I can support my addiction. At least the guy is quite attractive (handsome, well toned body, same age as me, etc.) and he treats me well, so I can't complain. Trouble is, I can tell I'm returning to my old ways. Today I was starting to feel desperate cos I was on a comedown and hadn't had a call from him - even though I saw him yesterday and he said he'll be in touch soon. Eventually he sent me a text saying he won't have any more meth till Thursday which was disappointing to say the least. I'll be feeling like shit for the next 2 days.

Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.

03/21/10 7:30 PM

Perhaps in my addiction but not these days. I don’t know how to expand on this further since the question is phrased in the present tense.

today or tomorrow I plan to go to a nearby coffee store and a fast food restaurant in hopes of landing a job. wish me luck!

I can't stand being this broke all the time anymore.

I ain't got no cigarettes

Ok, hi. I sometimes wonder how many ppl will ever read these journal posts (maybe what? 1 to 3?), but that's better than nothing and God demannds that we be thankful for what we've got rather than complaining and being miserable all the time. It really isn't such a hard demand to comply to, in my estimation, either.

So anyway, first of all, let me say I'm glad the journal function is still here as of today, the first day of spring 2010 anno domino!

It's about 2am here in sunny fort lauderdale, which has become a veritable paradise as of late to reside in, and I just back from the bar.

I had 13 drinks, and I met a highly attractive married couple from New York named Steve and Joanna. I gave them a non-filter cigarette, which shocked them, and they were oh so nice to me.

She asked what else I was on besides CH3CH2OH, and I told her that I had been fucked up on all sorts of new designer drugs the week earlierly. She told me I was on "fire," and I do love a
geniune compliment every now and then.

I told them that they were both very beautiful ppl, and that he was a very lucky man to have her. He was touched by my sentiment. She was more gorgeous than I could have imagined possible, and I told her almost that, but I also told her that she was also very nice, and that this fact was even more important than the other.

I would have loved to fuck him, I can't deny it, but I never would b/c they are married--how quaint of me acutally--and there is no shortage of dick here in fort lauderdale anyway.

They had go go dancers on the bar platforms--very atttractive, scantily clad females--who kept pouring cranberry bacardi shots down my throat for three dollars a pop. The music was quite good overall, danceable and hip hoppy even, and there were colored lasers galore along with tvs playing humorous nekkidity and car wrecks.

I miss my 19yo love who is now in VA for court and I fear that he won't come back but I think he will bc he loves me, and that's also what my horoscope implied.

The new 28yo hispanic lover didn't come over today but might tomorrow. He settles for sex, but I want to show him love like he's never seen it before.

They are both heavenly.

Finally, and I know Ive already talked about this subject too much, but I feel compelled to share this one more thing and then that will be it on the subject for me, so do forgive me.

Some of the effects of the compound SHIVA aka 3,4,5-trichlroramphetamne.hcl which Im not going into now specifically can only be descirbed as nothing short of grotesque but also shockingly beautiful at the same time and not evil or painful in any way. Grotesque? Yes. Macabre? No.

Finally, I have no way of knowing its proper doasge b/c I never took any. DOC is active at the 1 mg level, but DOC is not SHIVA.

YMMV.

I am listening to Tired Eyes Slowly Burning by the Tear Garden right now. It iis both magical and brilliant, and the a/c is thumpin. I might go eat some leftover pizza here in a minute. good night

k, the new puerto rican bf texts me the following msg:

I'm sorry for riding ur ass today, but I would be just wasting my breath if u dont want to change for the better. You do, however, need motivation. So I promise to leave you alone about everything, but I won't take u out to dinner unless u get a job.

I didnt go to college, and Im probably not as smart as you, but I do have a decent job, car, and condo which I own. So imagine what you could accomplish if u would just clean up your act. You could be doing better than me and enjoying ur life more than u are.

I know this is meant as well meaning advice, but it feels like criticism to me gutturally. The Bolivian lover is so much sweeter and more accepting of me.

im sorry you feel the need to hold a grudge against me. im sorry that for so long it was me you were blaming for holding a grudge when really im the one who wanted all of this to go away.

im sorry you cant take responsibility for what happened and the choices you made. im sorry that i told someone you smashed a phone in my face and they put me in the baptist home.

im sorry that other people told their guidance counselors at school about the bruises on my face which helped you lose custody of me otherwise we would have had intense counseling. im sorry that you called the police to the house five times in six months because you and david were physically fighting which also helped me get taken away.

im sorry that i was the child and you were the adult.

im sorry that my father was dying, you were going nuts, and david was making you that way so i rebelled like any normal teenager would. im sorry i wasnt strong enough to push through back then and be the perfect daughter.

im sorry i always have an opinion.

im sorry you can only see your own pain in this. im sorry that for so long after this all happened i lied to you saying that it wasnt that bad and that i shouldnt have been taken away because i wanted my mom back. im sorry that i cant say anything about how you were in fear that youll hold that against me too.

im sorry you believe i "labeled" you, even though i had no part in all of that. im sorry the court system took over and saw that maybe you did have some problems that you refused to admit so they thought you were crazy.

im sorry that you grew up in a messed up home. im sorry for what you had to go through and that i was too young to realize that you needed help too.

im sorry i hated you back then for being so self absorbed. im sorry for loving you so much now that i cant lie to you anymore about what really happened.

im sorry that your mind does gymnastics to truly believe your made up versions of how things really happened. im sorry that your mind is unable to cope with everyday negative emotion.

im sorry that we cant be closer and that i believe we never will be. im sorry that i feel the need to write this for my own sanity. im sorry that i cant tell you these things face to face without getting extremely angry with you. im sorry that i am angry with you about something i dont want to even think about anymore.

im sorry im not scared of you anymore.

im sorry that after all this time you feel wronged by me. im sorry that at such a young age you put me in situations that were unnecessary, situations you'll never admit to and have probably already blocked out of your mind.

im sorry you feel i "back stabbed" you even though i was only looking out for my own well-being because i know you werent. im sorry your husband left you and that somehow i think you blame me for that too.

im sorry you can only see through your eyes and how you believe your perspective is the ONLY perspective. im sorry that i was the mistake that bumped you into welfare. im sorry that i was the daddy's girl.

im sorry that in some ways im exactly like you, no matter how much you disagree with that disgusted look on your face, otherwise we'd get along a lot better.

im sorry that i have all the pieces of you that you dislike about yourself.

but i still love you mom.
i always will.

Being a former student of finance who has both academic knowledge of the subject as well as personal experience trying to get really rich really fast and losing everything, I consider myself a fairly well-rounded individual in at least one or two categories.

So I stopped buying coke, a drug I like to do sometimes for fun. This fun, as it turns out, was costing me several hundred dollars per month. So I stopped for a few weeks and look at this basic lesson in finance I'm learning: suddenly I have a new PSP and a meager savings account, as well as a fantastic supply of all the meds I take to ease the pain of life. Who would have thought?

So I smoked 5-meo-DMT for the second time and still hold it to be a fraction of the chemical it could be. Smoking it may produce high level euphoria and visuals but they also fade out at a rather rapid rate. Smoking DMT is an unpleasant experience once tripping the act causing me negetive thoughts based on the tasty of the heating prosses. I am starting to think the Aya tea may be the better way to take DMT and will experiment this summer mixing a cup of tea with a nice bonfire on the beach.

I have a good job and yet I still use just not like I used to. The hardest part now is coppin it. The risk involved could cost me my job if I got caught. Wondering if it's worth it @ all anymore, it just feels so good. Even if it is just for a little while

Smoking some headies, drinking a beer (or two ) relaxing as much as a I can today for tomorrow it is back to the grind. How did you relax this weekend?

PROJECT BARNSBEE

spring

- acquire sufficient funds (increased hours prohibit notion)

- create create create

- attain independent residency

- devise and configure adequate selling strategies for local market

summer

- add management: entrepreneurship plus

- apply for pell (requirements met due to independent status)

- create create create

- rent back lot saturday mornings once greenhouse business has died down

-acquire selling license

fall

- cont. art foundations + added above through next spring

- rent inside booth (day determined by greenhouse hours)

- create create create

- observe, improve, proceed

I am 100% off medication and no withdrawals. YAY!
I have to see a lung specialist.
All my tests besides my chest x-ray came out just fine.
I am nervous about going downtown for asessment for HRT, afraid I will be denied for several reasons that I am sure are more are all in my head than reality. So nervous that I have yet to make an appointment.
Joined the YMCA and can't wait to start working out starting tomorrow, or maybe monday depending on how Terry is feeling.
I need to start planning a better diet for myself but lack the patience, energy, or lust to do so but know I need to.

Can someone tell me why in Toronto sugar from a factory that is right in our own city now costs us at METRO almost $4CAD??? for 2Kg at that! which is 4.4Lbs.

Wondering what T will be like, I have heard from the mild to the extreme.....??

These songs are so profound in my life right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FQ47uhGHUM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlOzmdArpwU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I96Vh5NuoJg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G82VcSLHD7E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H95hu4vGGog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weBe-W0mr0Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlv62wB4VNs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7fwnG8Gi-0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIf-MzvPvLU (You ARE Loved )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY3W3hVt9PU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmKsCMgROCQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaHyvAMLk7U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7aJwdJmegQ

All from www.youtube.com and written and sang by their respective owners. I steak no claim to them, though I love the songs.

Oh and 1 last one, just cause it's too damn true for me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1s86vDhjx8



Hope you all are having a great first day of spring!

I'm off or a work out and some chillaxin'


%)

A little worn down today. As it just so happens I've been hanging out with a couple (a&j) that I met 2 years ago at a crystal method show.. we ran into eachother a year later at another show and have since become friends.

Last night was wonderful, a party was started. We played guestuaries and taboo. Loads of wine, beer, 15 people and infinite hilarity.

So much hilarity. Its foreign being around normal people, so refreshing tho. A great start to spring break.

Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic?
How has this affected my life?

03/21/10 2:04 PM

No I do not. I don’t even know how to formulate some sort of answer to this question. I guess I’m fortunate because there are many who often enter panic mode over perceivably minor things

insult - a disrespectful or scornfully abusive remark or action.
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

03/21/10 1:52 PM

No I do not. Challenges are opportunity for growth and learning. Yeah, some things are painful to go through but EVERYTHING is temporary (even the good things).

I have definitely been learning from pain.

Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan?
How has this affected my life?

03/21/10 1:45 PM

I’ve been thinking about this question the past two days and I can honestly say, according to how the question is worded, no I don’t fall apart when things go off track.

I guess some of these questions will be having short answers.

I am truely disgusted by him, how he hid the true facts of all those cases due to laziness or a quota or something. Sending all those people wo prison. Now we don't know who is innocent and who is truely guilty, now we might have guilty people free and innocent people incarserated. Those poor INNOCENT parents who went to prison after being wrongly accused of killing their kids. Strong people they must have been to still be alive today after so many years wrongfully imprisioned - one lady after 15 years and losing 2 of her sons after her baby boy died of natural causes.

I wish I could kick that pathologist in the nuts a few times. That man better be put in general population I tell you.

Ok, so Terry not 5 minutes ago trips over a milk crate like this:



Now he has a huge bump like almost looking like a bone sticking out (be he says theirs not) and it's bleeding like a civ.

It's deep and probably needs stitches but he seems to think a bath is more important than stitches.

I normally don't care about blood, I wa once soaked in it, from when my bestfriend shot himself beside me....trust me not pretty.

This time though I thought I was going to vomit, i was seriously on the verge of it and still am. Which is why I am avoiding going to bitch at him while he sits in the tub. I need to go check on the cut in a second and I am dreading it.

He should know better, we are both highly trained in First Aid. Fucking stubborn men. 8)

Bluelight, we seriously need a vomit smiley

Warning, its not pretty.

Take my will and my life.
Guide me in my recovery.
Show me how to live.

I just found this site today and signed up .i've been looking for help trying to get off methadone maintinance and i just been getting the run around to make a long story short i've been on meth since 1990 with a short break when i detoxed on an out patient basis but after about 16 months i was right back out there again.the last thing i wanted to do was get back on this stuff but after trying a few detoxes and rehabs and even one called narcanon who claims to be the best by suposedly sweating the drugs out of you with a combination of vitamins and some type of niacin but in very high doses but to me it just seems to be another momey making gimic.they swear by sticking you in these saunas for hours at a time it speeds the process up oh another thing it is all based on l.ron hubbard and his made up religion scientology and with the backing of some big celebrities such as tom cruise alley sorry had a brain fart can't think of her name and john travolta ,to me it's just another business adventure for these people who claim this is the only way to live your life but you tell me do there lives look so wonderful (don't think so).well back to my original story during this time i was trying to get clean i went to another dr.who charged me an arm and a leg and put me on suboxone and a bunch o other meds for ths other withdrawal symptons.he made himself very clear not to try to inject this but he said it so many times i was just thinking he was just telling me this cause i could get high from it and he did not want me to try it.let me tell you how right he was and how wrong i was cause after i managed to break that down and cook it and drew it up as soon as i hit and pushed that i thought i was going to die all i herd was the best way i can describe it was it sounded like there was a train running through my head next thing i no i was i instant withdrawils i was sweating vomiting my bones were aching every symptom you could think of i had but 10 times worse instantly.i don't know if any o you ever overdosed on opiates and they inject you with (i believe it's called narcain) it is the worst feeling anyone could feel some i'm just telling anyone out there if you are ever thinking of doing something like please don't please .

today is march 20th 2010. days still pass by. i still remember dates a year ago and wonder about how it was a year ago. i still remember those times which have passed by now. it wont be long until it will be over a year, and those memories wont be as close as they are now.

perhaps it will help me leave that all in the past and help me to move on towards the future. i am still crippled every day because of whats happened in the past, and the continuing torture of not being able to, or not wanting to let it go.

its been a long time since i've written in this journal, since i've put my thoughts down. i know that in the past its kept me healthy so i will try to pick the pen up again. not much has changed, im still in that dark place i was a long time ago. and everyone still seems to be passing me by, moving on in their lives, developing new facets while i dwell on a broken one of mine.

she has decided to end all contact and i've been largely fine about it. perhaps i havent been facing the reality of what it entails. what the consequences to that decision is. ive successfully detoxed from a nasty benzo habit, i've thrown my cigarettes away, given my blade away. and i'm now left with nothing. i'm left with no coping mechanisms at all. no longer can i run from the truth, i have to face it now.

when the reality rises to the surface and stares me in the eyes. i cant drown it again with pills, i cant let the blood flow to wash away those thoughts. theyre sitting there always. right infront of me, i can't escape the reality. theres nothing left for me to do.

sometimes its overwhelming. and i wonder what else can i do when i dont have those avenues to pursue?

i wonder what im capable of.




ill see her again tonight. and then shes gone again. time marches forwards for her. and i stand still. unmoving, unable to forget, i've put my roots down in this scorched soil, in the past.

its so fucking inconsequential. for it to hurt this much and affect me this much is a fucking joke. give me some real problems so i dont feel like such a pussy for not being able to handle a simple broken heart.

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

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