Blogs

Life Lately and a HRT Question for any FTMs out there in Blueville

I am 100% off medication and no withdrawals. YAY!
I have to see a lung specialist.
All my tests besides my chest x-ray came out just fine.
I am nervous about going downtown for asessment for HRT, afraid I will be denied for several reasons that I am sure are more are all in my head than reality. So nervous that I have yet to make an appointment.
Joined the YMCA and can't wait to start working out starting tomorrow, or maybe monday depending on how Terry is feeling.
I need to start planning a better diet for myself but lack the patience, energy, or lust to do so but know I need to.

Can someone tell me why in Toronto sugar from a factory that is right in our own city now costs us at METRO almost $4CAD??? for 2Kg at that! which is 4.4Lbs.

Wondering what T will be like, I have heard from the mild to the extreme.....??

These songs are so profound in my life right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FQ47uhGHUM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlOzmdArpwU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I96Vh5NuoJg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G82VcSLHD7E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H95hu4vGGog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weBe-W0mr0Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlv62wB4VNs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7fwnG8Gi-0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIf-MzvPvLU (You ARE Loved

)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY3W3hVt9PU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmKsCMgROCQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaHyvAMLk7U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7aJwdJmegQ

All from www.youtube.com and written and sang by their respective owners. I steak no claim to them, though I love the songs.

Oh and 1 last one, just cause it's too damn true for me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1s86vDhjx8

Hope you all are having a great first day of spring!

I'm off or a work out and some chillaxin'

%)

Mar 22, 2010

Mariposa

Adventures of Living.

A little worn down today. As it just so happens I've been hanging out with a couple (a&j) that I met 2 years ago at a crystal method show.. we ran into eachother a year later at another show and have since become friends.

Last night was wonderful, a party was started. We played guestuaries and taboo. Loads of wine, beer, 15 people and infinite hilarity.

So much hilarity. Its foreign being around normal people, so refreshing tho. A great start to spring break.

Mar 22, 2010

Dave

Step 1: Unmanageability, Question 11

Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic?
How has this affected my life?

03/21/10 2:04 PM

No I do not. I don’t even know how to formulate some sort of answer to this question. I guess I’m fortunate because there are many who often enter panic mode over perceivably minor things

Mar 21, 2010

OverDone

Step 1: Unmanageability, Question 10

insult - a disrespectful or scornfully abusive remark or action.
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

03/21/10 1:52 PM

No I do not. Challenges are opportunity for growth and learning. Yeah, some things are painful to go through but EVERYTHING is temporary (even the good things).

I have definitely been learning from pain.

Mar 21, 2010

OverDone

Step 1: Unmanageability, Question 9

Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan?
How has this affected my life?

03/21/10 1:45 PM

I’ve been thinking about this question the past two days and I can honestly say, according to how the question is worded, no I don’t fall apart when things go off track.

I guess some of these questions will be having short answers.

Mar 21, 2010

OverDone

W5 - The disgusting thing he hid

I am truely disgusted by him, how he hid the true facts of all those cases due to laziness or a quota or something. Sending all those people wo prison. Now we don't know who is innocent and who is truely guilty, now we might have guilty people free and innocent people incarserated. Those poor INNOCENT parents who went to prison after being wrongly accused of killing their kids. Strong people they must have been to still be alive today after so many years wrongfully imprisioned - one lady after 15 years and losing 2 of her sons after her baby boy died of natural causes.

I wish I could kick that pathologist in the nuts a few times. That man better be put in general population I tell you.

Mar 21, 2010

ONCOR

Brlegh! and WTF is he thinking..?

Ok, so Terry not 5 minutes ago trips over a milk crate like this:

Now he has a huge bump like almost looking like a bone sticking out (be he says theirs not) and it's bleeding like a civ.

It's deep and probably needs stitches but he seems to think a bath is more important than stitches.

I normally don't care about blood, I wa once soaked in it, from when my bestfriend shot himself beside me....trust me not pretty.

This time though I thought I was going to vomit, i was seriously on the verge of it and still am. Which is why I am avoiding going to bitch at him while he sits in the tub. I need to go check on the cut in a second and I am dreading it.

He should know better, we are both highly trained in First Aid. Fucking stubborn men. 8)

Bluelight, we seriously need a vomit smiley

Warning, its not pretty.

NSFW:

Mar 21, 2010

ONCOR

Many of us have said

Take my will and my life.
Guide me in my recovery.
Show me how to live.

Mar 21, 2010

Dresden

M

Scarey story about suboxone

I just found this site today and signed up .i've been looking for help trying to get off methadone maintinance and i just been getting the run around to make a long story short i've been on meth since 1990 with a short break when i detoxed on an out patient basis but after about 16 months i was right back out there again.the last thing i wanted to do was get back on this stuff but after trying a few detoxes and rehabs and even one called narcanon who claims to be the best by suposedly sweating the drugs out of you with a combination of vitamins and some type of niacin but in very high doses but to me it just seems to be another momey making gimic.they swear by sticking you in these saunas for hours at a time it speeds the process up oh another thing it is all based on l.ron hubbard and his made up religion scientology and with the backing of some big celebrities such as tom cruise alley sorry had a brain fart can't think of her name and john travolta ,to me it's just another business adventure for these people who claim this is the only way to live your life but you tell me do there lives look so wonderful (don't think so).well back to my original story during this time i was trying to get clean i went to another dr.who charged me an arm and a leg and put me on suboxone and a bunch o other meds for ths other withdrawal symptons.he made himself very clear not to try to inject this but he said it so many times i was just thinking he was just telling me this cause i could get high from it and he did not want me to try it.let me tell you how right he was and how wrong i was cause after i managed to break that down and cook it and drew it up as soon as i hit and pushed that i thought i was going to die all i herd was the best way i can describe it was it sounded like there was a train running through my head next thing i no i was i instant withdrawils i was sweating vomiting my bones were aching every symptom you could think of i had but 10 times worse instantly.i don't know if any o you ever overdosed on opiates and they inject you with (i believe it's called narcain) it is the worst feeling anyone could feel some i'm just telling anyone out there if you are ever thinking of doing something like please don't please .

Mar 21, 2010

30roxi30

wow. an ordinary journal post?

today is march 20th 2010. days still pass by. i still remember dates a year ago and wonder about how it was a year ago. i still remember those times which have passed by now. it wont be long until it will be over a year, and those memories wont be as close as they are now.

perhaps it will help me leave that all in the past and help me to move on towards the future. i am still crippled every day because of whats happened in the past, and the continuing torture of not being able to, or not wanting to let it go.

its been a long time since i've written in this journal, since i've put my thoughts down. i know that in the past its kept me healthy so i will try to pick the pen up again. not much has changed, im still in that dark place i was a long time ago. and everyone still seems to be passing me by, moving on in their lives, developing new facets while i dwell on a broken one of mine.

she has decided to end all contact and i've been largely fine about it. perhaps i havent been facing the reality of what it entails. what the consequences to that decision is. ive successfully detoxed from a nasty benzo habit, i've thrown my cigarettes away, given my blade away. and i'm now left with nothing. i'm left with no coping mechanisms at all. no longer can i run from the truth, i have to face it now.

when the reality rises to the surface and stares me in the eyes. i cant drown it again with pills, i cant let the blood flow to wash away those thoughts. theyre sitting there always. right infront of me, i can't escape the reality. theres nothing left for me to do.

sometimes its overwhelming. and i wonder what else can i do when i dont have those avenues to pursue?

i wonder what im capable of.

ill see her again tonight. and then shes gone again. time marches forwards for her. and i stand still. unmoving, unable to forget, i've put my roots down in this scorched soil, in the past.

its so fucking inconsequential. for it to hurt this much and affect me this much is a fucking joke. give me some real problems so i dont feel like such a pussy for not being able to handle a simple broken heart.

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

Mar 20, 2010

ocean

25 Things

1-25: to sum it up quickly. I am a hypocrite, I am a loser, and I fall in love way too easily and end up getting hurt. I love 4 people; one is dead and one hates me and one was a childhood love that I lost touch with and the last is my old friend. I shall forever be an outcast and a fuck up.

There summed it up. $:\$

Mar 20, 2010

ONCOR

Step 1: Unmanageability, Question 8

responsibility - the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions?
Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed?
How has this affected my life?

03/19/10 10:07 AM

Today, for the most part... yes I do accept responsibility for where I am in my life today. Concerning my actions, I try to the best of my ability to recognize whether my actions are actually reactions to other’s words or actions. Regardless, I need to be accountable for EVERYTHING I do regardless of the reasoning behind my behavior.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I do become overwhelmed with daily responsibilities. I need to do something about this soon because if I become stressed when I’m currently unemployed, what will happen when I get a job?

Becoming overwhelmed causes be to go into ‘shut-down’ mode. I isolate and simply continue the day in a manner of inaction. I will do mindless things on the computer, sleep or just simply do nothing at all. This is NOT a productive or healthy state for me

Mar 20, 2010

OverDone

the 25 things theme

i am going to try expand on my last post, about things that would be useful for my friends to know about me. AKA why i am difficult to befriend

1. i suck at staying in touch with people.
2. i go thru cycles where i have no desire for human contact beyond what is needed for work
3. i avoid talking on the phone
4. i can't stand people who are wrong and will correct you if you are
5. i love to argue and will play devil's advocate for fun
6. i often find being social exhausting
7. yet, i am usually the one inviting friends out to do stuff
8. i am much more open online
9. in groups where i don't know people, i like to shock people with random facts as opposed to small talk
10. when i stare at things, certain friends will bring that item to me

11. i suck at following most social mores
12. i have a good memory and remember mundane details (unless i am super drunk)
13. i get very annoyed when people lie and exaggerate about events
14. i tell my best friends that i hate them more often than i tell them i love them

since i stopped at 14, here is my post from facebook last may (with bolded updates/corrections):

1. i used to carry around a scrabble board and scrabble dictionary in my car. lexulous has now somewhat replaced my urge to play in person, along with the fact that i have no car. i have a car now, but still do not carry around scrabble

2. playing word games has given me a large vocabulary. when i write papers for school, i like to include bizarre words to see if professors notice.

3. i am an incredibly picky eater but i am willing to bet i have tried more random foods than most people. i try most anything a few times before declaring that i don't like it.

4. i prefer salty over sweet. in fact, i have been known to eat pretzel salt instead of the actual pretzel. and i like my dark chocolate with salt crystals in it.

5. i like to procrastinate. its rare that i do assignments in advance. yet i still get really good grades.

6. i hate talking on the phone and calling people. i used to hate calling businesses too, but i can do that now. i still won't call people i don't know well even if it causes great inconvenience to me.

7. i am really shy around people i don't know. i have a bad habit of talking thru other people; i will say something to person A with hopes that person B will hear and enter the conversation.

8. the only tv i watch regularly includess jeopardy, good eats, top chef, iron chef and football. there are a few other shows, but its pretty much the same shows still

9. i am a huge steelers fan thanks to james. several years of making me watch football has paid off.

10. i am insanely brand loyal when it comes to food. i would rather not eat than consume something from a brand i don't like. i guess this goes back to me being picky.

11. i refused to watch ghostbusters growing up because the secretary has the same name as me. i still have not seen any of the movies in the entirety.

12. i love the smell of new plastic toys.

13. i love to travel. i wish i had a job where i made enough money and enough flexibility to travel when ever i want to.

14. i am a beer snob who drinks coors light. i would go broke rather quickly if i kept drinking microbrews that i like. the dogfish head 120 is $9.50 a bottle

15. i am stubborn. if it comes down to doing what i want, or what someone else wants, i don't understand why i should be the one to concede. i also don't understand the idea of not playing games to win.

16. i declared i was moving cross country because i was bored in ohio. i moved here with no job and no plan, but everything seems to be working out fine. i have a job, a place to live with my two best friends, am in grad school and making new friends i am back in ohio but still thrilled that i moved to seattle

17. i don't wear my engagement ring to work because i hate getting it all dirty. and because over thanksgiving the diamond fell out and i had to have it reset. i still don't wear it. but i never take off my wedding ring. the only time i did i wanted to see if i could fit it around my tongue.

18. i can't sleep if i don't have pajamas on. and i prefer to have my eye pillow and teddy bear and pillow and blanket too. and there needs to be some sort of ambient noise in the background.

19. the first car i drove was filled with little furbies from mcdonalds. someone kept leaving them on my hood every morning junior year. i still don't know where they came from.

20. i prefer the aisle seats on flights so i can get off the plane faster.

21. i hate crowds of people that just stand around and have no purpose. i dislike waiting in lines and most other things associated with large masses of people.

22. while i may bitch about my job, i do love what i do. spending all day playing with little kids beats an office job any day. even if the bureaucraticness annoys me.

23. i swear, a lot. its pretty amazing that i have typed this much with out saying fuck.

24. people say i have some sort of accent and lots of people assume i am foreign when they meet me. other than sounding like i am from the midwest, i don't think i talk funny.

25. football manager doesn't amuse me

Mar 20, 2010

_a_A_C_c_

Blog Theme: 25 Randoms

1 - I eat quinoa every morning (was turned on to it in the HL thread)
2 - I am extremely anti-racist (no longer violently so)
3 - I've never been bitten by a dog
4 - Spent 40 days in England, Ireland and Scotland
5 - I have a HUGE crush on Macy Gray
6 - It has taken me 21 years to acquire 32 college credits
7 - I have three tattoos
8 - If coffee was a woman, I would marry it
9 - I LOVE office supplies
10 - I have more shoes than most of my female friends
11 - I hate the sight of unpolished Doc Martens/Solovairs
12 - I typically stutter, drop something or trip when talking to a girl I may like
13 - I used to be able to write fluently with Nordic runes (Elder Futhark)
14 - I would like to wear a shirt that says 'Satan Loves You' to a catholic mass before I die
15 - I can do an impressive Marvin the Martian impersonation
16 - I can relate to Dave's struggle in coming up with 25 Random Facts
17 - Each one of my dogs MANY toys has a specific descriptive name
18 - I only pick up my mail every other week
19 - I have many watches but never wear them
20 - My favorite name brand is Burberry
21 - I came in fourth place in our 6th grade spelling bee (I misspelled 'proprietor') <---I also misspelled 'misspelled)
22 - I hold resentments for years (working on that one)
23 - When I brush my dog, I take the hair outside and throw it on the grass so the birds can use it for nests
24 - When I was little I pretended to be in KISS and played air guitar while smacking a plastic bottle of baby powder in order to replicate smoke
25 - 'Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made' never ceases to make me smile

Mar 20, 2010

spork

unicorn related

Mar 19, 2010

Sweet P

One of those days

I really don't wanna be sober today. I'm on a bad meth comedown; feeling drained, gloomy, and all emotional - like I could burst into tears at any moment. I'd score some more, but my main guy has mysteriously gone AWOL and my other contacts are all bikers who'd probably pressure me into sex (which I'm NOT in the mood for today) or some shady "mission". So fuck it, I'm gonna get drunk. I've just arrived home from the bottle store with a six-pack of beer and a bottle of cider. $:\$

Mar 19, 2010

Sweet P

25 Random Facts about Me- suggested by the beautiful animal_cookie

I'm not sure but I think you just choose 25 random facts, right? Well- Here we go:

1) I dye my hair
2) I like to read
3) I study astrology
4) I have 2 tattoos
5) I make a damn good Jager Schnitzel
6) I dream of going to Ireland and Scotland
7) I am really into genealogy
8 ) I am a hermit
9) I obsess over names for possible future children and could have 20 kids each with 3 names

10) I have about 20 something states to see before I die to have seen them all
11) I was born in Jersey

12) I am Irish/Italian/German/Lithuanian but have dropped the temper that was passed down
13) I believe I have been reincarnated MANY times
14) I am afraid of cars and mice (and recently found evidence of mice in my car!!!!!!I seriously went coo-coo for a day or two and now have my car and mice fear combined and aggravated)
15) I'm trying to earn extra money doing Astrology charts for people
16) I love nature and consider it sacred
17) Bigotry, Ignorance and Hypocrites infuriate me
19) I love Orbit Gum (Sweetmint and Wintermint)
20) I do not like Green tea
21) I wear mostly green, blues, black and purple and my house is done in mostly those colors (except I am trying to change my kitchen to include red)
22) I think the Ocean is the Goddess
23) I have a high opinion of The Dalai Lama and Buddhism but am not a Buddhist
24) I have a love of socks
25) I don't do drugs besides prescribed anymore

Mar 19, 2010

ocean

M

Withdrawal

I'm addicted to poppy pods. I've been putting off quitting for as long as possible, but now is the time. I have a sore throat so I decided that now is the time to go cold turkey and get it over with.

If I ever go back to using, which I probably will, it'll be on a strict schedule of no more than once a week. I really don't have any desire to stop using poppy tea, but it's causing me more pain than enjoyment now. I barely get high anymore, all it really does is give mild pain relief, sound sleep and a relief from withdrawal. At this point the withdrawals aren't severe: chills, fatigue, yawning, insomnia. It sure as hell isn't fun though; I can't remember the last time I went more than three days in between doses. I don't know how severe the withdrawals will get because I've never made it past day three.

Today was day one. My last time using was last night. No withdrawal symptoms yet. Tomorrow is when it starts. I really hope it starts subsiding after day three. I have to be sure not to let my brain convince me to use again after a few days. It's pretty easy to rationalize stupid decisions when you're in withdrawal.

If I can keep the use at once per week in the future, tolerance and physical dependence won't be big issues. I can't imagine life completely free of opiates, but using poppy tea more than once a week has clearly made my life worse. Keeping the use at once per week will be difficult but doable.

Mar 19, 2010

mushroompizza

M

Step 1: Unmanageability, Question 7

Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?

03/18/10 9:41 AM

I think I can honestly say that I consider the needs of others more than most people I encounter in my day-to-day. I am a rather compassionate and empathetic person but lately I have been a little down because of other people’s pain. Mostly, imagining what someone is going through is what is most painful for the simple fact that I think of worst case scenarios that are most likely unrealistic.

Lack of consideration is essentially self-centeredness/selfishness. I can be very analytical and typically consider as many variables in a situation concerning interactions with people in order to eliminate confusion, misunderstanding and unnecessary hassle/aggravation.

I was VERY inconsiderate (to say the least) in my addiction. I didn’t consider ANY of the known consequences, ANY effect on the people in my life my using had, or anything beyond the need to get high.

Mar 19, 2010

OverDone

B

I can't believe what I am gonna do to get a good fix.

I am about to drive 6hrs!!! So I can get something worth while. I'm @ work the whole time shop is open here. What a joke! Every time I have found something it's been crap. So here I go driving, crazy...

Mar 19, 2010

Sweet P

Step 1: Unmanageability, Question 6

Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

03/17/10 11:55 AM

Tough question. I wish it was worded differently. Anyway, sometimes I strongly assert my opinions or suggestions because of the belief that things often come to logical/linear conclusions. If negative, less troublesome conclusions can be had than I typically assert my will to avoid the aforementioned hassles.

My ‘insistence’ has had the following effects on relationships:

Resentment

‘I told you so’ attitudes

Perceived pomposity

Estrangement

Regret

Pain

Anger

Mar 18, 2010

OverDone

Time for a new theme already?

Why yes, yes it is. But first, I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to the Find Me An Avatar theme. The contributions will be listed in the next few replies as vBB's Blogs module won't allow any more than 4 images per post, even if they're little bitty avatar images.

Since I just love polls, I'll let majority rule. Whichever avatar gets the most votes by Wednesday evening when I get back from the gym (probably 7:30-8ish, MDT) will be adopted as my avatar for at least the next two weeks. If I still dig it after that time, I'll adopt it permanently.

Personally, I'm keen on Dr. Z and the 'Think then Post' avatar courtesy of Mr. Done. But I'll leave the choice up to you all. Usual voting rules apply, bla bla bla.

For the upcoming theme, ocean and I were chatting and we thought that the whole interactive theme trend that we've been doing for the past little while has been fun. So we've decided to do an extension on animal_cookie's 'Four Truths and a Lie' theme and go with Surveys as a theme.

Got a survey? Pass it on. The only rule here is that you have to fill out the survey yourself first if you expect anyone else to fill it out.

As always, feel free to let ocean or I know about any themes you'd like to see. We have a list going, but don't have assigned dates as of yet. In the pipeline:

Rebirth/renewal
Short Stories
Poems
Traditions
Emotions

Thanks, and happy Blogging!

Mar 18, 2010

Mariposa

My pleas

Had an interesting morning in court. While I was waiting to be called, some guy offered to share a joint with me, so we sneaked off to have a chat and a smoke. Then when I returned to the waiting area outside the courtroom, feeling kinda stoned, I saw one of my meth dealers sitting there! Obviously he'd been busted for something. Anyway, I thought my lawyer had entered "no pleas" during my last appearance, but apparently he just asked for the hearing to be postponed. So today I entered my pleas...

Possession of a Class A drug (methamphetamine): "Guilty."

Possession of a drug utensil: "Guilty."

Driving under the influence: "Guilty."

Dangerous driving: "Not guilty."

I'm gonna fight the dangerous driving charge, cos I wasn't intentionally driving dangerously! I had a seizure behind the wheel which caused me to crash my car. Luckily I managed to get hold of the hospital records to confirm this. I'll be appearing for sentencing in another month.

Mar 17, 2010

Sweet P

dammit

well once again indecisiveness has been my achille's heel of sorts. i know it pisses people off, it pisses me off still cant face decisions. i get that terrible pain in my stomach as my anxiety grows because even though i know what i want on a pizza i cant spit it out. everyone gets so mad when i just freeze like that. all i can do is look down and say "i dont know" like a milion times. sometimes i wish there were two of me so i could kick the shit outta myself.
its like i can only be decisive on hallucinogens, and alot of times im a dick cuz thats the only time i tell people how its goin down instead of vice versa. one of these days im gonna become a hermit or join the militia or sumtn.
doesnt that seem dreamy living in the woods miles away from roads and towns with nothing but a psychadelic garden to keep me company. ahhh bliss

A man can dream.

Mar 16, 2010

jmsopi

cant untangle this ball

arghhh.... another sleepless night kept up by a feeling indescribable. its like ive come to accept my own mortality and actually have a fear of death. its strange but i think that is what is going to kill me. ive always said if you had this life figured out already you would probably die. at least thats how its been for all my friends who died too early. now i am nearly face to face with my fear and i cant rationalize it away. its like im not actually scared of death i just cant stand to see everything ending. and for now it seems my life is getting back on track. this is a vary bad sign as all the times before exactly when i get situated and start to progress something disastrous happens. i might just be paranoid but this nostalgia wont go away and i cant rest my head. need hallucinogens to help my perspective of things for now i wait.

Mar 16, 2010

jmsopi