arghhh.... another sleepless night kept up by a feeling indescribable. its like ive come to accept my own mortality and actually have a fear of death. its strange but i think that is what is going to kill me. ive always said if you had this life figured out already you would probably die. at least thats how its been for all my friends who died too early. now i am nearly face to face with my fear and i cant rationalize it away. its like im not actually scared of death i just cant stand to see everything ending. and for now it seems my life is getting back on track. this is a vary bad sign as all the times before exactly when i get situated and start to progress something disastrous happens. i might just be paranoid but this nostalgia wont go away and i cant rest my head. need hallucinogens to help my perspective of things for now i wait.
I can defanitly relate to all what you just wrote here...all of it!!! I feel I stay in this viscous cyle of growin stonger just to drop right back down the lowest of lowest and start it all over once again...seems it is a never ending cycle and that we(or myself forsure) will just never get out of this cycle. that it will continue on this route forever until it is our time to go...and i myself and also so so deathly affraid of leaving this earth and so many great people behind me...i hate to even get to thinking about it cause it can cause me some great depression at times. I know in my life things seem to have been slowing ending in certain situations and new beginings are on its way...but what are those new beginings cause I have no clue what is next...I think i can i know what direction i am aiming for...which mostly have been aiming for for a very long time...it just seems it will never get to that point of complete satsifactory, to become pleased with myself, to just be content...it just seems it will never come...will it???? all we can do is hope and pray and keep pushin forward i guess...i mean what else is there to do but to keep trying...goin backwards just doesnt seem like an option...though it could be so easly done, to fall back into the trap of lifes little failures...and to become that failure once again...but for today...my legs are still bringing me up and not down...who knows tommorrow may be a differnt story...but ONE DAY AT A TIME!! Good luck to you...hope you can keep on your track of moving forward....just was droppin you a few lines to let you know you arent the only one out there in this postion you are in....and i know problably could be a totally diff situation than mine...but as for as i can tell the cycle tends to be the same in almost all different situations....Soo....Lets just keep on trukn..... 
