Blogs

I have about 50 million other things I should be doing, but I am being lazy on a Friday afternoon, so I will post on the Blogs theme. I will finish all the tasks starting with the fun ones (making plans, finishing edits to some stuff I'm writing, etc.) as it's just that kind of day.

1. I was born left-handed, but my mother "switched" me. I write with my right hand but do everything else with the left.

2. I am compulsively tardy. I hope most people accept this in me as a genuine character flaw, and I am working on getting rid of it. "Always late, but worth the wait." :/

3. I am a lifelong Democrat but a true moderate one. Socially, I am very liberal, but in other ways I am not.

4. I am interested in the paranormal.

5. I have studied astrology since my teenage years and found it helped my life when nothing else really could. I would do it as a career if it paid better.

6. I will be age 30 in less than a month.

7. I did not think I would make it to age 30 because I've pulled a lot of stupid crap in my 29 years. I am now hopeful I will, and I'll be proud.

8. I still get carded for clove cigarettes, so the above is not as bad.

9. I do not approve of the way my elected officials are doing their jobs for the most part.

10. I have to stay away from online Scrabble games, but will play IRL with the brave.

11. I was born in New Orleans and hope to return someday.

12. I am an avid reader, since age 30 months. My parents found this out when I read them the credits on Dallas one evening. My dad tells the story better than I do.

13. My dad is my best friend and several BLers have met him.

14. I've spent most of my adult life working for attorneys, but never want or expect to become one myself. The people in my life are cautionary tales in some senses.

15. Relating back to the paranormal... lightbulbs blow out around me with a frequency that has got to be beyond coincidence. This only happens when I am mad or thinking about something very hard.

16. I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but have never been addicted to anything else.

17. My unhealthy relationship with alcohol has caused me a lot of consternation and I look forward to the day when a drink isn't how I want to be welcomed home after a long day.

18. I actually enjoy hanging out in airports on layovers. Usually I wind up having a drink with someone(s) interesting - not creepy guys, but cool people tend to approach me.

19. Creepy people also approach me sometimes. I have decent "radar" for that but it can falter occasionally.

20. Once I've figured out someone is a creeper, I cut them off. Period.

21. If I am mad at you but still like you, I will be likely to bitch at you and you have the right to bitch at me just the same. If I am mad at you but I don't like you, I will freeze you out completely.

22. I like smelling good. I wish I were more creative and could concoct perfumes myself.

23. I, unlike others who have answered this (lol), don't walk around the house naked and have clothes on unless I'm, um, being intimate with someone or showering. I guess I just feel best in comfortable clothes. I sleep with at least a T-shirt and underwear when it's hot.

24. I dream of having my own company someday which has as its goal truly helping women and children in need - but I can't talk about that now

25. I'm really not as much of a bitch as a lot of people think I am. I can get fiery and hotheaded but somehow I'm right quite often. When I'm wrong, call me out privately and I'll respond.

~end of survey~

I could have filled this out with a lot more, but I'm learning that it's best to keep many things to myself/trusted friends, and this is a public Blog.

Cheers - hey mods, what's the next theme? :D

measure - a certain quantity or degree of something.
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

acknowledge - accept or admit the existence or truth of
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

accept - believe or come to recognize (an opinion, explanation, etc.) as valid or correct :
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?

03/27/10 2:28 PM

No I have not. I have not experienced my disease’s full potential. I cannot accept something that I have not experienced.

I definitely acknowledge the full measure of what I have experienced to this point. I used to think that there was a big difference between ‘acknowledging’ and ‘accepting’. After looking up the definitions of these words I can say that I do accept the full measure of what I have experienced.

I accept that I can’t use successfully.

I accept that once I take one, I’m fuckin’ off to the races and may not stop for years.

I accept that everything I had that I valued (personal relationships, financial stability, emotional stability, clarity of focus, living accommodations) was thrown away or used up in the name of ‘one more’

I accept that I have harmed my family.

I accept that I have harmed myself.

I accept that there are days that I would like to get high.

I accept that I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I accept that there are those who will never understand so its best to just keep my fuckin’ mouth shut.

I accept that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

I accept that if I start getting high again, I will become even more insecure and self-hating than I was before.

I accept that eventually I’ll be okay.

I'm not answering his calls and ignoring his texts. It's time to focus on ME, which will probably include being (totally) single in the very near future.
I'm painting my room HOT PINK, I'm making new friends here, and applying to work at a phat restaurant, where I've worked before at a different location.
All the guys I've dated have thought they were disgusting, but I'm thinking of getting dreadlocks. I looked up my old BFF online, and she has matured into being bold, artistic, and alternative; it is so beautiful. She is my inspiration and she doesn't even know it.
I am still finding myself, but I can feel myself growing everyday, including coming over my shyness, making goals, and setting priorities. It doesn't hurt that I'm taking a class called "critical thinking" which has really got my gears turning!
When fall rolls around, I may move home, or I may stay here, but one thing is for sure. I am going to make the most of my time and appreciate the beauty that is life with all of my heart.

Do I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?

03/25/10 12:52 PM

Okay, a two part question using present and past tense in a confusing manner causes me to question how well thought out the question was. Did someone just shit this question out quickly? It IS a valid question but, c’mon...

Anyway, no I do not take drugs or act out on my addiction anymore. I haven’t taken drugs in 215 days.

I enjoy the feelings I have nowadays. Yeah, some don’t feel all that good but in the back of my head I know that they won’t be felt forever and that I can learn from them. Many times when I catch a feeling that I don’t like I see it as a learning opportunity as well a step toward growth.

Back in the day, when I was using, I absolutely tried to change and suppress my feelings. As to what I was trying to change or suppress... well... I’ll need to give this some legitimate thought in order to accurately pinpoint everything.

The second part of this question seems critical to me. Another opportunity to look at myself on a deeper level and to gain knowledge as to WHY I was doing the things I was doing.

03/27/10 12:22 PM

What was I trying to change or suppress? I’ve been thinking on this question off and on for the past couple of days and its difficult to answer for some reason. I KNOW I was trying to avoid feelings but WHAT feelings?

I know I didn’t like how the world was and how I seemed to not fit into it very well. Sure, I could put that chameleon’s skin on and carry on as other’s did when I was clean before but it didn’t feel right. When I was using I didn’t face anything at all. I left the house only for work or to go get my shit.

The longer I withdrew more responsibilities and realities piled up and they seemed too large to tackle. So I kept putting them off and withdrew into my high, complacent little world.

I know that I was a pussy concerning emotional pain and being high helped me become more tolerant to that pain. I was (and still am) an insecure dude who found comfort in running from himself and initiating false feelings and moods.

I was embarrassed to allow others to see me. The disappointed looks on my family’s faces, the concern of my friends. I was kinda full of shame. I KNEW I could do well in life and recognized that I definitely wasn’t meeting my potential or coming anywhere close to becoming the person I was supposed to be.

i need help folks im on d118s 30 mgs also i take sertraline200mgs quitiapine 300mgs on others but there fine out of those two ive mentioned could either be blocking pleasent opiate effects or bring on tolerance to df118s more quickly than if i wasent taking them with df118s all help much appreciated%

I'm no longer using meth to get high... I'm using it to feel normal. I've felt this way for a while now. When I take a hit from a pipe, I don't get the same euphoria that I used to. It just wakes me up like a loud alarm clock inside my head, so I can face the world and do my daily things. Without meth, there is no alarm clock inside my head. Even though I'm awake, it feels as if I'm still asleep... I'm tired, unmotivated, apathetic, and unable to enjoy life.

I want to feel the rush and the euphoria again from when I first started using, but I know that's unlikely to happen. I need more and more just to achieve the same effect. I smoked a gram today and it didn't do much except wake me up and give me an energy boost. It's keeping me awake too... it's now 1:30am and I can't sleep, despite taking a large cocktail of major and minor tranquilizers. I'm chasing that white smoky dragon, but it's flying away and leaving me behind.

I finally got one after contemplating it for a couple years now and I absolutely love it!!

Sorry for the TMI, but fuck off it's MY blog I'll do what I want!

Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

03/25/10 12:41 PM

No I do not.

I so fucked up hugely today. I wrote a comment on Youtube without stopping the sharing.

I commented on a post by a gay couple about being FTM.

NO one, well one person on FB knows but no one that is close to me not even my bestfriend yet.

Well, seems I blew that secret.

Well maybe no one was reading....for the next 3 days



Fuck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIJlkSpEygI

I saw her...

C and I almost broke up. I told him we couldn't change eachother to be something we are not. I don't want to live in the country (bumfucknowhere). I respect that all his family is there, and he has strong ties, but they hate me. We CONCLUDED that there was no hope for our future. My best friend and I parted ways.
A few hours later, he called me, crying, his mother on the phone, telling me she didn't blame me for his ODing. He FOUGHT with his parents over me! The bad girl whose own family hardly even wants her. And it was sweet... and I do love him- It's just- something's off. We are BFF, and he loves me so much.
Seeing my first love's pics tonight reminded me of how that used to feel. Wanting to be with someone the rest of your life. Have I ever felt that way about C? I'm not sure...

Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I stabbed that dude when I was jumped by 12 members of a local gang. I received 15 stitches, two black eyes and multiple bruises from that incident. It was two days prior to my girlfriend’s high school graduation. Ha! I looked great for THAT event.

My friends and I were drinking and smoking weed on a rooftop in town and we saw these dude’s on the street selling powder. Back then powder coke was referred to as ‘butter’. We were all drunk and yelled down to potential customers ‘that shit ain’t butter, its fuckin’ Parkay’ and ‘look at the white boys sellin’ garbage!’. There were only three or four of them that we could see and we really didn’t give a shit.

One of the dudes threw a brick up at us and it hit a wall, bounced and hit my girlfriend in her back. Her brother got pissed and ran down the balcony. I ran after him to back him up.

I got to the alley way that he ran to and he had disappeared. There were, however, about 12 dudes standing in that alley. We started yelling shit at each other, I pulled my knife out and a dude threw a brick or large rock at my head. I ducked and lost my balance. The next thing I knew I was getting kicked and punched by a bunch of mother fuckers. I still had my knife in my hand and thrust out. I still remember feeling it enter and sensing a reaction.

It isn’t clear after that but I remember laying on the ground, answering questions fielded by paramedics and/or police.

When in real danger, have I ever felt indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I guess this is referring to ‘immediate’ and ‘present’ danger as opposed to ‘potential’ (i.e. the danger of the daily process of copping on the streets of North Philly).

The only time I was in ‘real’ danger on my last run was the time I had just gotten back from Colorado and didn’t know where to cop any shit from. I was drun k one night and REALLY wanted some coke (whether it was powder or crack I didn’t care). It was about 2 or 3 in the morning and in my brilliance, I decided to drive through North Philly looking for corners to score from. I saw two dudes walking down the street, we made eye contact and did the ‘head nod’ thing.

They motioned me to pull over. I did. They walked to my car and told me to pull into a dark lot next to an abandoned building. I told them I wasn’t doing that and that we could do it here. They asked me what I wanted and I told them I wanted powder. The dude in the front moved to the side and I saw that the other guy was holding a shotgun and it was pointed at me (maybe 2 or 3 feet away). The other guy reached into the car and said ‘gimme the money’. I’m no idiot so I gave the dude my $80 bucks. He then reached into the car and tried to unlock and open the car door while saying ‘it’s cool, it’s cool, relax’. I slammed on the gas and ducked down as I drove away.

I was actually very relaxed when this occurred and really didn’t care if I got hurt. I was more concerned about being further inconvenienced by them taking my car and leaving me stranded downtown. I was more pissed about my stupid drunken idea and the fact that I was out $80.

New Zealand's new right-wing government has decided to get tough on beneficiaries (people who receive weekly payments from the government to support themselves, due to unemployment, sickness, solo parenting, etc.) in order to save a bit of cash. I could be in trouble here, cos my benefit is due to be reviewed in a few months time, and I may no longer qualify. In the past, my doctor wrote "major depressive disorder" as the reason I could not work, because that was my diagnosis at the time. But now my diagnoses have changed. I no longer have "major depressive disorder"; I have "poly-substance dependence" and "borderline personality disorder."

I heard somewhere that personality disorders don't qualify someone for a benefit, and while drug dependence has been a valid reason, it may not be any more if the government has their way. So if they cut my benefit, what do they expect me to do? And how do they expect me to survive? There are very few jobs available at the moment, and I'd be the last person an employer would hire due to my criminal record and total lack of work experience or qualifications. If I get shifted onto the unemployment benefit cos the government no longer considers drug addicts worthy of the sickness benefit, I'll be on it for a very long time, and regularly questioned about why I haven't found a job. Shit, maybe I'll just have to start dealing drugs instead! 8)

I haven't made many blog entries lately, as someone recently pointed out, so I thought I'd write a quick update. As I mentioned in the Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion thread in The Dark Side, I've relapsed heavily on meth. Mostly because the local drug & alcohol service is refusing to prescribe me pharmaceutical amphetamines (I heard they've prescribed it to other meth addicts before, so I don't understand why they aren't giving them to me), and their counselling isn't working, so I feel like I'm being forced back into using again. I just can't function or live a normal life without meth... I'm dependant on it.

I don't have enough money to fund a daily habit cos I'm no longer dealing/hustling like I used to, so I've hooked up with a dealer who gives me as much as I want in return for "company". Yeah, it's trashy and superficial, but at the moment it's the only way I can support my addiction. At least the guy is quite attractive (handsome, well toned body, same age as me, etc.) and he treats me well, so I can't complain. Trouble is, I can tell I'm returning to my old ways. Today I was starting to feel desperate cos I was on a comedown and hadn't had a call from him - even though I saw him yesterday and he said he'll be in touch soon. Eventually he sent me a text saying he won't have any more meth till Thursday which was disappointing to say the least. I'll be feeling like shit for the next 2 days.

Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.

03/21/10 7:30 PM

Perhaps in my addiction but not these days. I don’t know how to expand on this further since the question is phrased in the present tense.

today or tomorrow I plan to go to a nearby coffee store and a fast food restaurant in hopes of landing a job. wish me luck!

I can't stand being this broke all the time anymore.

I ain't got no cigarettes

Ok, hi. I sometimes wonder how many ppl will ever read these journal posts (maybe what? 1 to 3?), but that's better than nothing and God demannds that we be thankful for what we've got rather than complaining and being miserable all the time. It really isn't such a hard demand to comply to, in my estimation, either.

So anyway, first of all, let me say I'm glad the journal function is still here as of today, the first day of spring 2010 anno domino!

It's about 2am here in sunny fort lauderdale, which has become a veritable paradise as of late to reside in, and I just back from the bar.

I had 13 drinks, and I met a highly attractive married couple from New York named Steve and Joanna. I gave them a non-filter cigarette, which shocked them, and they were oh so nice to me.

She asked what else I was on besides CH3CH2OH, and I told her that I had been fucked up on all sorts of new designer drugs the week earlierly. She told me I was on "fire," and I do love a
geniune compliment every now and then.

I told them that they were both very beautiful ppl, and that he was a very lucky man to have her. He was touched by my sentiment. She was more gorgeous than I could have imagined possible, and I told her almost that, but I also told her that she was also very nice, and that this fact was even more important than the other.

I would have loved to fuck him, I can't deny it, but I never would b/c they are married--how quaint of me acutally--and there is no shortage of dick here in fort lauderdale anyway.

They had go go dancers on the bar platforms--very atttractive, scantily clad females--who kept pouring cranberry bacardi shots down my throat for three dollars a pop. The music was quite good overall, danceable and hip hoppy even, and there were colored lasers galore along with tvs playing humorous nekkidity and car wrecks.

I miss my 19yo love who is now in VA for court and I fear that he won't come back but I think he will bc he loves me, and that's also what my horoscope implied.

The new 28yo hispanic lover didn't come over today but might tomorrow. He settles for sex, but I want to show him love like he's never seen it before.

They are both heavenly.

Finally, and I know Ive already talked about this subject too much, but I feel compelled to share this one more thing and then that will be it on the subject for me, so do forgive me.

Some of the effects of the compound SHIVA aka 3,4,5-trichlroramphetamne.hcl which Im not going into now specifically can only be descirbed as nothing short of grotesque but also shockingly beautiful at the same time and not evil or painful in any way. Grotesque? Yes. Macabre? No.

Finally, I have no way of knowing its proper doasge b/c I never took any. DOC is active at the 1 mg level, but DOC is not SHIVA.

YMMV.

I am listening to Tired Eyes Slowly Burning by the Tear Garden right now. It iis both magical and brilliant, and the a/c is thumpin. I might go eat some leftover pizza here in a minute. good night

k, the new puerto rican bf texts me the following msg:

I'm sorry for riding ur ass today, but I would be just wasting my breath if u dont want to change for the better. You do, however, need motivation. So I promise to leave you alone about everything, but I won't take u out to dinner unless u get a job.

I didnt go to college, and Im probably not as smart as you, but I do have a decent job, car, and condo which I own. So imagine what you could accomplish if u would just clean up your act. You could be doing better than me and enjoying ur life more than u are.

I know this is meant as well meaning advice, but it feels like criticism to me gutturally. The Bolivian lover is so much sweeter and more accepting of me.

im sorry you feel the need to hold a grudge against me. im sorry that for so long it was me you were blaming for holding a grudge when really im the one who wanted all of this to go away.

im sorry you cant take responsibility for what happened and the choices you made. im sorry that i told someone you smashed a phone in my face and they put me in the baptist home.

im sorry that other people told their guidance counselors at school about the bruises on my face which helped you lose custody of me otherwise we would have had intense counseling. im sorry that you called the police to the house five times in six months because you and david were physically fighting which also helped me get taken away.

im sorry that i was the child and you were the adult.

im sorry that my father was dying, you were going nuts, and david was making you that way so i rebelled like any normal teenager would. im sorry i wasnt strong enough to push through back then and be the perfect daughter.

im sorry i always have an opinion.

im sorry you can only see your own pain in this. im sorry that for so long after this all happened i lied to you saying that it wasnt that bad and that i shouldnt have been taken away because i wanted my mom back. im sorry that i cant say anything about how you were in fear that youll hold that against me too.

im sorry you believe i "labeled" you, even though i had no part in all of that. im sorry the court system took over and saw that maybe you did have some problems that you refused to admit so they thought you were crazy.

im sorry that you grew up in a messed up home. im sorry for what you had to go through and that i was too young to realize that you needed help too.

im sorry i hated you back then for being so self absorbed. im sorry for loving you so much now that i cant lie to you anymore about what really happened.

im sorry that your mind does gymnastics to truly believe your made up versions of how things really happened. im sorry that your mind is unable to cope with everyday negative emotion.

im sorry that we cant be closer and that i believe we never will be. im sorry that i feel the need to write this for my own sanity. im sorry that i cant tell you these things face to face without getting extremely angry with you. im sorry that i am angry with you about something i dont want to even think about anymore.

im sorry im not scared of you anymore.

im sorry that after all this time you feel wronged by me. im sorry that at such a young age you put me in situations that were unnecessary, situations you'll never admit to and have probably already blocked out of your mind.

im sorry you feel i "back stabbed" you even though i was only looking out for my own well-being because i know you werent. im sorry your husband left you and that somehow i think you blame me for that too.

im sorry you can only see through your eyes and how you believe your perspective is the ONLY perspective. im sorry that i was the mistake that bumped you into welfare. im sorry that i was the daddy's girl.

im sorry that in some ways im exactly like you, no matter how much you disagree with that disgusted look on your face, otherwise we'd get along a lot better.

im sorry that i have all the pieces of you that you dislike about yourself.

but i still love you mom.
i always will.

Being a former student of finance who has both academic knowledge of the subject as well as personal experience trying to get really rich really fast and losing everything, I consider myself a fairly well-rounded individual in at least one or two categories.

So I stopped buying coke, a drug I like to do sometimes for fun. This fun, as it turns out, was costing me several hundred dollars per month. So I stopped for a few weeks and look at this basic lesson in finance I'm learning: suddenly I have a new PSP and a meager savings account, as well as a fantastic supply of all the meds I take to ease the pain of life. Who would have thought?

So I smoked 5-meo-DMT for the second time and still hold it to be a fraction of the chemical it could be. Smoking it may produce high level euphoria and visuals but they also fade out at a rather rapid rate. Smoking DMT is an unpleasant experience once tripping the act causing me negetive thoughts based on the tasty of the heating prosses. I am starting to think the Aya tea may be the better way to take DMT and will experiment this summer mixing a cup of tea with a nice bonfire on the beach.

I have a good job and yet I still use just not like I used to. The hardest part now is coppin it. The risk involved could cost me my job if I got caught. Wondering if it's worth it @ all anymore, it just feels so good. Even if it is just for a little while

Smoking some headies, drinking a beer (or two ) relaxing as much as a I can today for tomorrow it is back to the grind. How did you relax this weekend?

PROJECT BARNSBEE

spring

- acquire sufficient funds (increased hours prohibit notion)

- create create create

- attain independent residency

- devise and configure adequate selling strategies for local market

summer

- add management: entrepreneurship plus

- apply for pell (requirements met due to independent status)

- create create create

- rent back lot saturday mornings once greenhouse business has died down

-acquire selling license

fall

- cont. art foundations + added above through next spring

- rent inside booth (day determined by greenhouse hours)

- create create create

- observe, improve, proceed