Blogs

Ugh! I haven't been on in a few days with the exception of browsing with my phone and I miss the full BL experience (especially Blogs)

Its embarrasing as to why... My fuckin' macbook is receiving power and the battery is holding a charge but I get nothing on the display. If this was a laptop with PC components I would be well on my way to remedying the issue. Its embarassing because I'm a fuckin' 'computer guy'. I fucked around with the PRAM and SMC but... Nothing. It sucks that I gotta take it to the Apple Store but I'll take it as a learning experience.

I have 3 desktops in storage but the manner in which I packed moving from CO was in a 'I gotta get the fuck outta here' fashion so stuff is in assorted boxes

Anyway, I miss you guys!

Crushing up these kadians i think i am slipping into madness or just a real bad addiction. These little fucking beads that piss me off so much . But these little beads bring so much pleasure too. I throw a clonidine pill in (do not do this!) to bump the shot up alot and the pleasure washes over me. Nothing matters. It does not matter that i have to go out in the fridget cold to get smokes, that my g/f is going to be majorly pissed about me taking my shot so early and i don't care that my arms look like shit cause im shooting 6 or more times a day. Fuckit all.

I swore id never get this bad but hey i only promised that to myself. I barely even care that im doing crack with my shots of morphine and dilly to get higher. How did i get this bad? who gives a fuck honestly.

Flash foreward over a month later and im clean of every opiate except codeine. I don't intend to stay that way because i need morphine for pain. Though the cannabis is doin a good job i gotta say. Maybe i could get marinol and fuck the morphine. Ive pretty much done it all and had my fun so i don't care much about it usually.

Such is the life of a fucked up junkie

Being a private person I have found this very difficult to do, there’s a lot I could say which I’m most proud of but not sure about revealing all, anyway here goes…

1. I’m a bloke.
2. I’ve served 23 years in the Royal Air Force.
3. I have a Jack-a-doodle dog called Alfie.
4. I love reading; it’s a great distraction which isn’t always very healthy.
5. I have travelled to places that some might dream about.
6. I self criticise all the time and analyse every thing I say or am told, also not healthy.
7. I have worked in a Night Shelter for 3 years coordinating a group of Counsellors.
8. I am a big believer that as we were born with two ears and one mouth we should listen more than we talk.
9. My mother died of cancer last year and I miss her terribly.
10. I’m not really sure why I use BL but find it very interesting reading what other people write.
11. I went skiing in Norway and had to be helped down the slope by a couple of 12 year old, I forgot to get of the lift when my friends got off so went to the top, now that was scary.
12. I’m a carer.
13. At times I get very lonely.
14. I love going on long walks with my kids.
15. My wife has MS.
16. I’ve been bungi jumping in Canada.
17. I work in drug treatment.
18. My passion is studying, I have done it all my life even been to Medical School which was v hard.
19. With all the suffering in the world I’m not sure if I believe in God, I do believe that there is no greater power than what I hold within, the decisions I make govern my journey in this life and will determine my fate.
20. I am also a volunteer Counsellor for a charity working with survivors and have done so for about 8 years now.
21. I hoovered out my car this morning and broke the hoover, not sure how to tell my wife I’m thinking of leaving it and saying when it’s mentioned “really hun how on earth did that happen…”
22. I have many favourite quotes but this week it’s "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller.
23. I have been in therapy for years and love it.
24. I tell everyone I don’t believe in ghosts, yet enjoy going on ghost hunts, not sure what that’s all about.
25. I have never been asked for my ID in a shop or bar like some I have read on BL, but I’d really like to be.

There done, hey that wasn’t too bad after all.

i just for once want to hear someone's voice wgo is friend and talk about anything. i am so lonely, even to talk on skype about videogames or courage wolf would make my day if you know how to get in touch via skype or cell. no drug talk period. i am ao,sorry to be like rhis

well hellooo bluelight..omg..u stonerz and freaks still whining
......

is it bad that the advice i give to others is quite often advice im trying to give to myself? i sit and read some of my posts over and over, like im trying to convince myself to take the advice. theres another side of me berating the other useless fucking cunting pathetic part of me which refuses to let go, grow up and move the fuck on.

how can i know what to do, the best way to go about things, the best way to get what i want from things in life, and yet not do them? its like i want to fail, i want to do the wrong thing, listen to the stupid idiot voice of my heart. maybe it feels more like living rather than acting out in this indecent life play.

versd said:

the ages from 15-20 are very formulative years of a persons life, and its amazing that you found someone to grow up with during that time.

its very unfortunate that it ended, and it must be very hurtful for her to have moved on so quickly. i know how hard it can be and how much of a reflection of yourself you can see in an ex's actions like that.

regarding moving on, if you havent found someone else, i believe that its very difficult to truly move on if you are a person prone to being lonely. i can relate to those sorts of feelings, and always when i get lonely, i always look back and remember that one special girl, where she is, and dream about what it would have been like if we had worked out. if things are going ok in life, i dont dwell too much on that sort of stuff, but whenever i get lonely, it seems i always default back to the last good person in my life.

you can get yourself quite worked up thinking about her and what shes doing now, especially if you were very good friends as well - soulmates even, and how always think about her, it must be hurtful to think that shes forgotten you, especially when you don't hear from her on your birthday.

trust me from experience, you guys were together for 5 years and from your description it sounds like you were very close during that time. a bond like that doesnt fade quickly, you grew up together, you most likely have had a strong influence on the person she is now, you are part of her and she carries a part of you where ever she goes. whenever someone speaks about anything to do with childhood, adolescence, her memory will include you in it. so trust me when i say, she hasnt forgotten about you.

there are likely many reasons why she didnt contact you, and you can chase them around your head a million times, at the end of the day it is of no consequence. you have to accept that you had your time together, and although you lost a great friendship when you parted ways, such is life and the way of things. dont destroy the memory of your friendship by dwelling on whats happening now and then becoming bitter she doesnt speak to you anymore. just value it, appreciate you had it at all and put it back on the shelf. some people are alone their whole lives and never get to experience an inkling of what you had. you loved once before, and now you know you can again.

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While I was sitting in the waiting area at my city's drug & alcohol service, a woman walked over and sat down on a chair beside me. She was probably in her mid 30's, but she looked much older. Very thin, with sunken eyes, missing teeth, bad skin, and a bald head - she had shaved off all her hair. She asked "how long have you been struggling with P?" She immediately knew that I was a meth-head just by looking at me, which I guess isn't difficult for a fellow addict. "Years" I replied briefly, not really wanting to get into a conversation. "Oh I'm sorry hun, I know how difficult it is. I entered the service when I was about your age and I'm still struggling myself..." she said. Then suddenly her name was called, and she stood up, smiled at me, and walked through to the meeting rooms with her counsellor. It was quite a sobering moment. I remember thinking how that could be me in another 10 years!

It's weird, and maybe I'm reading too much into the situation, but I think me and a dealer are falling for each other! We started off having a "casual sexual relationship" where he'd fuck me and give me a decent-sized bag of crystal in return (yeah, basically I was his drug whore), but things seem to be changing. He's becoming a lot more affectionate towards me. A week ago we met up in the city park and just sat on a seat overlooking the river, with his arm around my shoulder. And when I went to his place last night there was no sex involved at all. We just kissed, watched a DVD together while cuddling on the couch, and eventually went to bed (at about 4am - we had both been smoking meth throughout the night). Still, there was no sex. He just spooned me in the bed, holding me close and kissing my bare shoulder goodnight. When I left at about 8am, he said "hey, you're forgetting something!" and threw me a full gram bag of chunky crystal shards. Apparently his cousin cooks it and gives it to him for free, so he always has a plentiful supply.

I definitely like him. He's a good-looking Maori boy with a well-toned body, about the same age as me, and he's always been very kind and respectful. I'm guessing by his appearance that he isn't an addict - just an occasional user. Trouble is, I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me. Am I still a drug whore to him, even though he's becoming more and more boyfriend-like? Or is he genuinely into me? I also wonder if he's seeing other girls. It wouldn't surprise me if he is, but I couldn't handle that if we were gonna become an item. I like my relationships to be monogamous. I know I should probably ask him where we stand... but I'm just scared I'll just make a fool of myself. I really don't know what to do about this. Maybe time will tell.

​

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Well, are you? Sure, we all know that you talk big. But when you get right down to it, everyone knows that your badness department is seriously understocked. You heard me, I said that I don't think you have the goods to be bad.

I mean we're talking about a team of international ninjas who succesfully kidnapped the president. And not the president of some backwards, pansy country like Haiti or France, but the president of the flag-wavinest, revolution havenest U.S of A! I for one think that these ninjas could teach you a lesson or two in badness and still have time to pick a fight with some nazi bikers.

These guys are so bad that even though they could simply outnumber you two hundred to one, they prefer to face you one or two at a time to prove their own innate badness. So sure, you may think you're bad just because your mom used to call you a bad boy but you've still got a thing to learn about being bad.

If you were really all that bad you would've kicked my ass the instant I even questioned your badness. "I think he's talkin' to me" you'd say, as you dealt out a healthy dose of whoopass, instead you just stand there all pouty like a little schoolgirl, saying "Boohoo, the president has been kidnapped by ninjas but I'm not bad enough to do anything about it. I think I'll just suck my thumb". I knew it all along, you aren't a bad enough dude to save the president.

Wow, I feel special now. I have a craigslist stalker.
Apparently I'm a loser but yet they stalk me from craigslist to facebook and classmates.com and stalk my 10yr old daughter and my fiancee. Yet that is acceptable but me telling them that they are losers and have no life makes me a loser. WTF kind of logic is that?

Why do I even bother with that site?

*le sigh*

I am still without withdrawals but I do get migranes alot, so I guess i kinda do got them.

I worked out on Monday. Did some bicep, tricep, shoulders, pectorials and legs. meant to do some abs but some fuckwit and his buddy was hogging the machines for that, so I was like fuck it, i can just do some crunches at home but I ended up having a nap and really haven't had the erge to. now I have to repeat the monday workout to get those muscles to form. I am already showing some muscle in my shoulder and bicep area but not alot, just a slight difference from nothing to a little of something.

My shoulders are teh ghey. I don't want that body builder neck/shoulders look:



but it seems like they might naturally form that way, with that upside down V shoulders-neck in one loo. which i don't want, that looks gross to me but I guess that I can deal with that if I can get a bod:



Which I used to be close to back in my early 20's but lost it all when I got lazy and had kids LOL

I have my CBT appointment on the 30th. I dunno how that is going to go.

I'll try to keep up to date more on this blog.

Well must go eat, I need all the calories I ca get so I don't lose weight.

Side note: Didn't work my abs but I can feel the muscle in my abs this morn. weird. Oh well.

Take care BLers

Went to an appointment at the drug & alcohol service today. My case manager spoke to me and suggested that I enter into an "intensive DBT" (dialectical behaviour therapy) program, where I'd be obliged to attend a group meeting and a one-on-one meeting with a counsellor every week for a year. Then once that year is over, I'll have to continue the weekly appointments with the counsellor throughout the following year. That's two fucking years! Plus daily homework and all that shit. Apparently it's designed to treat my borderline personality disorder and drug addictions simultaneously, but it's gonna be so emotionally demanding on me. My first thought... fuck that.

I've decided to put my ducky avatar back on.

I've kinda been missing the little guy...

I'm 21 6'1" 198pnds 11% body fat
I'm getting ready to start my first cycle of winstrol, super nervous, I'm taking it alone and I work out a lot, I do cross fit, I have milk thistle, cranberry extract, flaxseed oil, and multi vitamins, just looking for some help to make sure I don't get the side effect to badly

I have about 50 million other things I should be doing, but I am being lazy on a Friday afternoon, so I will post on the Blogs theme. I will finish all the tasks starting with the fun ones (making plans, finishing edits to some stuff I'm writing, etc.) as it's just that kind of day.

1. I was born left-handed, but my mother "switched" me. I write with my right hand but do everything else with the left.

2. I am compulsively tardy. I hope most people accept this in me as a genuine character flaw, and I am working on getting rid of it. "Always late, but worth the wait." :/

3. I am a lifelong Democrat but a true moderate one. Socially, I am very liberal, but in other ways I am not.

4. I am interested in the paranormal.

5. I have studied astrology since my teenage years and found it helped my life when nothing else really could. I would do it as a career if it paid better.

6. I will be age 30 in less than a month.

7. I did not think I would make it to age 30 because I've pulled a lot of stupid crap in my 29 years. I am now hopeful I will, and I'll be proud.

8. I still get carded for clove cigarettes, so the above is not as bad.

9. I do not approve of the way my elected officials are doing their jobs for the most part.

10. I have to stay away from online Scrabble games, but will play IRL with the brave.

11. I was born in New Orleans and hope to return someday.

12. I am an avid reader, since age 30 months. My parents found this out when I read them the credits on Dallas one evening. My dad tells the story better than I do.

13. My dad is my best friend and several BLers have met him.

14. I've spent most of my adult life working for attorneys, but never want or expect to become one myself. The people in my life are cautionary tales in some senses.

15. Relating back to the paranormal... lightbulbs blow out around me with a frequency that has got to be beyond coincidence. This only happens when I am mad or thinking about something very hard.

16. I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but have never been addicted to anything else.

17. My unhealthy relationship with alcohol has caused me a lot of consternation and I look forward to the day when a drink isn't how I want to be welcomed home after a long day.

18. I actually enjoy hanging out in airports on layovers. Usually I wind up having a drink with someone(s) interesting - not creepy guys, but cool people tend to approach me.

19. Creepy people also approach me sometimes. I have decent "radar" for that but it can falter occasionally.

20. Once I've figured out someone is a creeper, I cut them off. Period.

21. If I am mad at you but still like you, I will be likely to bitch at you and you have the right to bitch at me just the same. If I am mad at you but I don't like you, I will freeze you out completely.

22. I like smelling good. I wish I were more creative and could concoct perfumes myself.

23. I, unlike others who have answered this (lol), don't walk around the house naked and have clothes on unless I'm, um, being intimate with someone or showering. I guess I just feel best in comfortable clothes. I sleep with at least a T-shirt and underwear when it's hot.

24. I dream of having my own company someday which has as its goal truly helping women and children in need - but I can't talk about that now

25. I'm really not as much of a bitch as a lot of people think I am. I can get fiery and hotheaded but somehow I'm right quite often. When I'm wrong, call me out privately and I'll respond.

~end of survey~

I could have filled this out with a lot more, but I'm learning that it's best to keep many things to myself/trusted friends, and this is a public Blog.

Cheers - hey mods, what's the next theme? :D

measure - a certain quantity or degree of something.
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

acknowledge - accept or admit the existence or truth of
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

accept - believe or come to recognize (an opinion, explanation, etc.) as valid or correct :
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?

03/27/10 2:28 PM

No I have not. I have not experienced my disease’s full potential. I cannot accept something that I have not experienced.

I definitely acknowledge the full measure of what I have experienced to this point. I used to think that there was a big difference between ‘acknowledging’ and ‘accepting’. After looking up the definitions of these words I can say that I do accept the full measure of what I have experienced.

I accept that I can’t use successfully.

I accept that once I take one, I’m fuckin’ off to the races and may not stop for years.

I accept that everything I had that I valued (personal relationships, financial stability, emotional stability, clarity of focus, living accommodations) was thrown away or used up in the name of ‘one more’

I accept that I have harmed my family.

I accept that I have harmed myself.

I accept that there are days that I would like to get high.

I accept that I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I accept that there are those who will never understand so its best to just keep my fuckin’ mouth shut.

I accept that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

I accept that if I start getting high again, I will become even more insecure and self-hating than I was before.

I accept that eventually I’ll be okay.

I'm not answering his calls and ignoring his texts. It's time to focus on ME, which will probably include being (totally) single in the very near future.
I'm painting my room HOT PINK, I'm making new friends here, and applying to work at a phat restaurant, where I've worked before at a different location.
All the guys I've dated have thought they were disgusting, but I'm thinking of getting dreadlocks. I looked up my old BFF online, and she has matured into being bold, artistic, and alternative; it is so beautiful. She is my inspiration and she doesn't even know it.
I am still finding myself, but I can feel myself growing everyday, including coming over my shyness, making goals, and setting priorities. It doesn't hurt that I'm taking a class called "critical thinking" which has really got my gears turning!
When fall rolls around, I may move home, or I may stay here, but one thing is for sure. I am going to make the most of my time and appreciate the beauty that is life with all of my heart.

Do I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?

03/25/10 12:52 PM

Okay, a two part question using present and past tense in a confusing manner causes me to question how well thought out the question was. Did someone just shit this question out quickly? It IS a valid question but, c’mon...

Anyway, no I do not take drugs or act out on my addiction anymore. I haven’t taken drugs in 215 days.

I enjoy the feelings I have nowadays. Yeah, some don’t feel all that good but in the back of my head I know that they won’t be felt forever and that I can learn from them. Many times when I catch a feeling that I don’t like I see it as a learning opportunity as well a step toward growth.

Back in the day, when I was using, I absolutely tried to change and suppress my feelings. As to what I was trying to change or suppress... well... I’ll need to give this some legitimate thought in order to accurately pinpoint everything.

The second part of this question seems critical to me. Another opportunity to look at myself on a deeper level and to gain knowledge as to WHY I was doing the things I was doing.

03/27/10 12:22 PM

What was I trying to change or suppress? I’ve been thinking on this question off and on for the past couple of days and its difficult to answer for some reason. I KNOW I was trying to avoid feelings but WHAT feelings?

I know I didn’t like how the world was and how I seemed to not fit into it very well. Sure, I could put that chameleon’s skin on and carry on as other’s did when I was clean before but it didn’t feel right. When I was using I didn’t face anything at all. I left the house only for work or to go get my shit.

The longer I withdrew more responsibilities and realities piled up and they seemed too large to tackle. So I kept putting them off and withdrew into my high, complacent little world.

I know that I was a pussy concerning emotional pain and being high helped me become more tolerant to that pain. I was (and still am) an insecure dude who found comfort in running from himself and initiating false feelings and moods.

I was embarrassed to allow others to see me. The disappointed looks on my family’s faces, the concern of my friends. I was kinda full of shame. I KNEW I could do well in life and recognized that I definitely wasn’t meeting my potential or coming anywhere close to becoming the person I was supposed to be.

i need help folks im on d118s 30 mgs also i take sertraline200mgs quitiapine 300mgs on others but there fine out of those two ive mentioned could either be blocking pleasent opiate effects or bring on tolerance to df118s more quickly than if i wasent taking them with df118s all help much appreciated%

I'm no longer using meth to get high... I'm using it to feel normal. I've felt this way for a while now. When I take a hit from a pipe, I don't get the same euphoria that I used to. It just wakes me up like a loud alarm clock inside my head, so I can face the world and do my daily things. Without meth, there is no alarm clock inside my head. Even though I'm awake, it feels as if I'm still asleep... I'm tired, unmotivated, apathetic, and unable to enjoy life.

I want to feel the rush and the euphoria again from when I first started using, but I know that's unlikely to happen. I need more and more just to achieve the same effect. I smoked a gram today and it didn't do much except wake me up and give me an energy boost. It's keeping me awake too... it's now 1:30am and I can't sleep, despite taking a large cocktail of major and minor tranquilizers. I'm chasing that white smoky dragon, but it's flying away and leaving me behind.

I finally got one after contemplating it for a couple years now and I absolutely love it!!

Sorry for the TMI, but fuck off it's MY blog I'll do what I want!

Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

03/25/10 12:41 PM

No I do not.

I so fucked up hugely today. I wrote a comment on Youtube without stopping the sharing.

I commented on a post by a gay couple about being FTM.

NO one, well one person on FB knows but no one that is close to me not even my bestfriend yet.

Well, seems I blew that secret.

Well maybe no one was reading....for the next 3 days



Fuck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIJlkSpEygI