The truest amazement that I have experienced are these moments.
Moments stringing together, without tampering or purposeful placement by my hands.
lined up, in perfect form to create the present time that I participate.
Eternally in motion, internally a supposed time of dance.
Seeking to relieve this mourning.
If only this clocks gears would tick with certainty.
A confused state of unknowing. I have failed to be kind to myself nor those that I love dearest.
The dealer of this deck, is a sabotage. Espionage to the altered self. A blockage to the truest self, higher self, infinite self.
Is there even a self? I blind to see mirrored images, but what, I am that distorted being staring back?
I used to believe external factors were the joker. But with open eyes, I am the determining factor. The singular detriment to the fortune I seek.
Though told, a beautiful soul, being and whole. Hardly am I able to muster a smile and thank you.
Thinking to myself, "you don't even know one shred of how horrible of a human I am and have become".
Equivocally, undoubtedly I do not know who I am? Who am I? What am I?
I feel so unworthy of the gifts I have been graced with. Like a fallen angel who betrayed the will of God.
To live a life that which I must scorn? Am I even alive anymore?
These moments pass and I am enthralled, elaided. Yet, consciously I punish myself by actions of human disregard.
Am I broken? What is my purpose?
These questions I understand are to evaluate my importance. Though knowing I determine this.
I lock myself away, often, scared and petrified of shaming myself and others. I face this daily, never have I experienced such a level of self awareness.
Scared shitless.
I revisit my childhood now, and can account for where these feels arise. As small child, crying with no urgency or comfort by my parents. How do you heal a damaged child? Am I even capable?
I am in deep pain. Endless pain.
Moments stringing together, without tampering or purposeful placement by my hands.
lined up, in perfect form to create the present time that I participate.
Eternally in motion, internally a supposed time of dance.
Seeking to relieve this mourning.
If only this clocks gears would tick with certainty.
A confused state of unknowing. I have failed to be kind to myself nor those that I love dearest.
The dealer of this deck, is a sabotage. Espionage to the altered self. A blockage to the truest self, higher self, infinite self.
Is there even a self? I blind to see mirrored images, but what, I am that distorted being staring back?
I used to believe external factors were the joker. But with open eyes, I am the determining factor. The singular detriment to the fortune I seek.
Though told, a beautiful soul, being and whole. Hardly am I able to muster a smile and thank you.
Thinking to myself, "you don't even know one shred of how horrible of a human I am and have become".
Equivocally, undoubtedly I do not know who I am? Who am I? What am I?
I feel so unworthy of the gifts I have been graced with. Like a fallen angel who betrayed the will of God.
To live a life that which I must scorn? Am I even alive anymore?
These moments pass and I am enthralled, elaided. Yet, consciously I punish myself by actions of human disregard.
Am I broken? What is my purpose?
These questions I understand are to evaluate my importance. Though knowing I determine this.
I lock myself away, often, scared and petrified of shaming myself and others. I face this daily, never have I experienced such a level of self awareness.
Scared shitless.
I revisit my childhood now, and can account for where these feels arise. As small child, crying with no urgency or comfort by my parents. How do you heal a damaged child? Am I even capable?
I am in deep pain. Endless pain.
