Today is Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 and it is now 953 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.
To recap: Jackie was firmly decided to give up both her daughters, ages 5 and 2.5, to make her life with me. I felt guilty, especially since I felt a bit excited over the possibilities her decison offered us...specifically the possibility of permanently relocating to Cambodia. In the end I re-assired Jackie that I will love and support her no matter her choice in this or any other matter...and now the conclusion...
Rachamim: "Jackie, what will your family be thinking?"
Jackie: "They will hate me I am sure, probablly forever."
R: "Baby, then why do this?"
J: "Because it is best for the girls, for me and for us."
With her unusually firm resolve I resigned myself to the situation (it did not take much resignation on my part) and we moved past it.
I felt strange though as we spoke later on the phone.
Rachamim: "What are you doing?"
Jackie: "Leila (pseudonym I will use for her youngest daughter, 2.5) is biting me!"
R: "Why???"
J: "Because she is hungry!"
R: "So give her the breast!"
J: "That is why she is biting me, because I will not let her have my breast!"
*With that exchange once again I felt the same terrible guilt over her decison. Sure, Jackie decided it but she decided it because of her life with me! If I disappeared from her life, perhaps she and the girls would have a good life...
Jackie says what many lovers do, she will kill herself if I ever disappear, but that is just so many words. It is probablly one of the most common protestations passionate lovers will make.
What if I DID disappear though? Jackie knows all about my life. Even if she didn't know about my life in San Franz (my town in Mindanao), she could simply get my record pulled at 4th Infantry Division HQ.
I met her after all through my involvement in a paramilitary. CAFGU-SS is one of a few licit pro-government paramilitaries directly attached to the AFP, the Philippine Military. Since San Franz is in Region 13, Caraga, it falls under the 4th Infantry Division.
The 4th ID happens to be HQd in the base where Jackie lives. Her familes almost 4 decade involvement with the AFP allows a lot of familial connections. Any way it is measured, there is no way I could actually just "disappear."
So, when I return home, I will pick Jackie up. She will leave a note for the girls, to be read upon maturity, and 1 note to her parents/ She fully expects to never see any of them again...and yet she is happy!
I always believed love was an ideal never achieved. I had always settled for less but Jackie has shown me, and continues to show me the word's truest meaning.
She has never flown in a plane, but is prepared to go abroad with me to Cambodia, after I promised her we would return the same day if she didn't like it...So, after I arrange my business concerns she and I will head to the mainland.
To recap: Jackie was firmly decided to give up both her daughters, ages 5 and 2.5, to make her life with me. I felt guilty, especially since I felt a bit excited over the possibilities her decison offered us...specifically the possibility of permanently relocating to Cambodia. In the end I re-assired Jackie that I will love and support her no matter her choice in this or any other matter...and now the conclusion...
Rachamim: "Jackie, what will your family be thinking?"
Jackie: "They will hate me I am sure, probablly forever."
R: "Baby, then why do this?"
J: "Because it is best for the girls, for me and for us."
With her unusually firm resolve I resigned myself to the situation (it did not take much resignation on my part) and we moved past it.
I felt strange though as we spoke later on the phone.
Rachamim: "What are you doing?"
Jackie: "Leila (pseudonym I will use for her youngest daughter, 2.5) is biting me!"
R: "Why???"
J: "Because she is hungry!"
R: "So give her the breast!"
J: "That is why she is biting me, because I will not let her have my breast!"
*With that exchange once again I felt the same terrible guilt over her decison. Sure, Jackie decided it but she decided it because of her life with me! If I disappeared from her life, perhaps she and the girls would have a good life...
Jackie says what many lovers do, she will kill herself if I ever disappear, but that is just so many words. It is probablly one of the most common protestations passionate lovers will make.
What if I DID disappear though? Jackie knows all about my life. Even if she didn't know about my life in San Franz (my town in Mindanao), she could simply get my record pulled at 4th Infantry Division HQ.
I met her after all through my involvement in a paramilitary. CAFGU-SS is one of a few licit pro-government paramilitaries directly attached to the AFP, the Philippine Military. Since San Franz is in Region 13, Caraga, it falls under the 4th Infantry Division.
The 4th ID happens to be HQd in the base where Jackie lives. Her familes almost 4 decade involvement with the AFP allows a lot of familial connections. Any way it is measured, there is no way I could actually just "disappear."
So, when I return home, I will pick Jackie up. She will leave a note for the girls, to be read upon maturity, and 1 note to her parents/ She fully expects to never see any of them again...and yet she is happy!
I always believed love was an ideal never achieved. I had always settled for less but Jackie has shown me, and continues to show me the word's truest meaning.
She has never flown in a plane, but is prepared to go abroad with me to Cambodia, after I promised her we would return the same day if she didn't like it...So, after I arrange my business concerns she and I will head to the mainland.