winter thoughts

K so long time no blog but got to get something written down. Honestly lost again i know that its just that time of year for me to be depressed but damn this year is bad. No job no money and according to my family I became a drunk. Possibly all reasons to be depressed but something else is bugging me. Cant put my finger on it. I'm lost in myself cant find anything that looks familiar. Right now constantly getting bitched at to do something with myself or be out on my ass. That doesn't bother me. I have recently withdrew from the world I don't have any friends really I keep everyone else at a safe distance. That doesn't bother me. I barely eat any more drink a fifth a day and quit doing drugs that actually make me happy. That doesn't bother me. What really gets to me is that I don't care and couldn't care if I wanted to. I'm not worried about losing anything including myself. No interest in anything no will to contact friends or family or continue any hobbies, reading, fucking or even sleeping has become boring.( not to mention started having more and more vivid nightmares every night.)

No idea why I'm even posting this not looking for help, advice or sympathy. I think I just had to read it myself to see how pathetic it is. I think I'm really really frightened deep down but I'm so numb that it doesn't bother me. Even thinking about dying drums up no emotion the mere thought simply bores me. This all might pass again but how many more times until I give up. How many more times can I hit my bottom and actually want to crawl back out. Especially because I'm fond of rock bottom love having nothing left to lose. I started to accept that nothing is ever gonna come of this life, maybe that's the real problem. Just no idea how I would think any differently. Truth is no one but me can fix this but cant motivate myself I always just quit before I begin, seeing the whole situation as pointless. Why?

I guess the whole point is if I cant even recognise myself any more where did I lose myself.

 

Well that feels better spent past hour going over old blogs and what a cycle. just glad i write this shit down before it gets lost in my head and adds to the tremendous confusion. Sorry to those who read this and are confused by it god knows i am.

 

Heh, that's the fun of Blogs: not only are you able to create a bit of a record of (at least an aspect of) your life, but you're able to get glimpses into others' lives. It's a great way to learn different ways to approach life, and it really is good fun just to write.

... says the guy who hasn't posted anything other than an announcement or survey to his own blog in over a year