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Well, I got my felony readiness hearing tomorrow. It;s so funny how are legal system works. They got so much evidence on me there is no way I'm Not Guilty. But I don;t hav enough money so we got to do what the Public Pretender says. Maybe I will actually get offered the deal topmorrow. Shit when I did a real crime they gave me a misd. in no time flat. I get caught with soemthing that affects only me, well lets fuck with this guy now, HAHA stupid DA. Maybe if they worked a little harder on real issues like all the corruptness thats going down at cityhall, San Diego wouldn't be so fucked up with its problems. Oh well, like the Clash said, " I fought the law and the law won."

What do you guys think about bringing Blog themes back?
Remember those?

Give us your opinion!
If you guys like the idea, we can start another list up and go through them.......

Didn't sleep good last night, been thinking about the whole situation in turning myself in monday.
shit sucks, but before i can move any further in my recovery i'm going to have to knock out this legal shit. Going to spend some time in jail over it.
I'm going to still have my bed here in the halfway house, and everything. so that's reassuring for me when I get out of jail.
I'll be leaving tommorow mid morning sometime, my sponsor is picking me up, and taking me to the jail. so I can do my time. I havn't told my parents yet, don't really want to get em all stressed, and don't want to get them more $$$ involved in me then they already are. I don't have a bond to bail out, so it sucks, but it's for the best. It will be a damn good clean living experience to tell others when I get out.
gotta overcome this fear, shit isn't good for me. so going to face FEAR damnit. I don't like it, since i'm working on building a new me, er well recovering the old me. I gotta learn to live without fear in my life. and all the unhealthy shit.
I'm still living in fear today, trying to get through it. I'm working through it by being aggresive, and in the long run i know the shits going to start problems, but for the moment it's helping me get through the feeling of feeling "lessthan".

finished up the seminar today, went good. the instructor went in detail into steps 6-12. got a certificate, and signed up to get 10 hours of credit. to count towards my future addiction counsler.

going to a meeting tonight, 6pm and 7pm.

keep me in ur thoughts, i might add later to this, loves u all.

Drewpy

I'm hoping this particular perspective will pass and that it isn't a reality. I sense it is truth.

I've come to realize that I'm the only one that can do anything about my personal life challenges and that I have to deal with them by myself. Essentially, people don't want to hear it.

I get support and can reach out to people that I have never met but I have been refraining from that. Besides, its pretty fuckin' sad that my real friends are screen names on BL and the occasional voice on the phone from long distances away.

This teaches me about personal responsibility. If I fail to do what is necessary than I am the only one to blame for the consequences. When I do manage to do what is required in the day-to-day I benefit from the results. I'm okay with this. Its simple and its something every person in existence experiences.

The perspective? Its one of loneliness. I got this... you can fuckin' bet on that, but, I sure would like to share the positive with folks regardless of their disappearances during the negatives.

I guess the positive is being shared, just not in a way that I am accustomed to.

I dunno... being aware that it is all up to me, that I gotta handle my pains without bothering folks is making me strong but it is also making me colder.

Expectations, man. They cloud my rational thought. Everyone does things in their own way. I just hate the selfishness and immediate conclusion from others that 'I got this'.

Fuck it, man. Do we really need others in our lives at a personal level? I think it is more of a 'want' than a 'need'. My responsibilities are my 'needs'. My 'wants' may happen later in this game.

Take care of shit 'now' for a better 'later'. Everything else (friendship, hobbies, fun, etc) are just extras. They'll come later.

My foundation is built and its strong. Those other things will hold strong on that cement some day. I hope I will have resolved my resentments towards others when I'm ready to build.

I couldn't decide what to write about here- My view of myself, my life, others and just everything in general has changed so much over the last two years.
I feel like I have been broken and I'm working on piecing myself back together atm.
I used to think that if I loved enough, my life would be good. I realized in doing so I lost myself. I let myself become someone I didn't want to be and now I am getting myself back.
I went from viewing life through these eyes that were full of stars, to seeing life for what it is.
I've known pain, I'm not saying I lived with my head in the clouds, but I lived for the wrong reasons........
I see myself for who I am now. And I see life and those around me with new eyes as well.
Not all wonderful, not all bad- it is what it is.
blah. maybe I should write about something else..............
I might delete this

not important anymore

DEAR MUNCHKIN
it really hurts me that we are no longer friends. you will never know. all i want is for you to take responsibility for your actions and promise me things will change. your jealousy ruined everything. you make me feel like i am supposed to be your property wen i am not. i have a family and other friends and yes i do still need you! i cant understand why you are so adamant on passing the blame on for that night. i KNOW it was you but you will never admit that and as a result we cant even talk to each other without throwing insults.
my fiance is the only one who has told me i should make amends with you cos he can see me hurting and all you have done is bad mouth him to me.
i really wish i could say this to you but when i tried to explain you ignored me or denied everything to try to belittle me. when the shoe was on the other foot and i refused to reply to any of your messages you would not stop. i wish in some ways i never told you why i was so angry. at least then it felt like you cared. now it just feels like you tried to hurt me intentionally.
we were friends a very long time! now look what we have become! enemies!
i never wanted this but i wanted a better life for myself. there is more to life than taking drugs and you know it.
i have not changed.well maybe i have but he has not changed me and she has not changed me....i have become sick of my old life. i am ready to settle down, have a nice home, get married and getting hammered with you every weekend was no good for me.
i dont know if you were trying to manipulate me or you didnt do any of it intentionally but it made me pull away from you.
i feel sad every day knowing i have lost my best friend. maybe i am softening up.
i wanted you to be the first person i tell i am pregnant and that cant happen now. it breaks my heart. all i want is a sincere apology from you.
i miss you.
charl xxx

Got this from some Survey site:

ok, start with the basics, whats your name
Ocean

age
ALmost the big 3-0

gender
Girlie.

shoe size
8 1/2-9

height
5'8-9"

eye colour
hazel

hair colour
black

ok these ones are all your favourite things, starting with
colour
This is hard...
Blue or green or a combo of the two- The color of the ocean
I'm getting into red pretty big time though.

food
I love all food..........
BUT I might say German?

hair style
I don't have a fav

jelly bean flavour
?? don't have a fav

website (dont suck up to this one, be honest)
BL of course!!


number
Hmmmmmm- donno, maybe 3

item on clothing (descriptions are better than just 'my T-shirt')
ON clothing?!?! Uh- maybe a witty saying? or picture of something I like?

moving on again now, pepsi or coke

neither

chocolate or vanilla
both

tv or books
both

staying in or going out
Um, well, its always been staying in......but I'm feeling adventurous.

friends or family
family

myspace or facebook
FB

nail polish or natural (guys just say if you like girls to wear it or not)
nailpolish is my new obsession

art or sports
art

past or future
I like the idea of both

left or right
depends.

odd socks or matching ones
both. I just love socks.

tea, coffee or neither
both

hot or cold
cold

fly or fall
huh?>??

run or ride
ride

sing or scream
sing

watch or join in
watch

dance or laugh
laugh

just pick one now, continent
this one

type of sweet
Tira Misu

girls name
Saoirse

boys name
Atlas

fizzy drink
Tattinger's

what makes you? happy
Lots of things

sad
sheesh- um, a lot of things


giggley
my best friend

obnoxious
my brother :D

sleepy
alcohol

hungry
not eating

empty
eh.

cold
lies.

bouncy
a trampoline

mature
age

immature
age

loud
its natural i think?

shy
people

next, describe your dream person starting with gender
male

eye colour
? doesn't matter


height
TALL

hair colour
doesn't matter

smart or sassy
smart

droop dead gorgeous or stomach crampingly funny-
FUNNY all the way.


give three other qualities they would need


are you single


do you drink
yes

what do you think about smokers, or say if you do
I am one atm Boo me. I failed.

ever punched someone
ahah yeah.

if yes did they deserve it, if no say rar
I wouldn't have punched them if they didn't

what word or phrase do you use wayy too much

Like, OMG and ummmm


got a mobile?
yep


if yes what make if no say meh
ummmm erricson

tell me something no one knows about you (dont worry i probably dont know you)


what job do you have
none

what job do you want
any

where are you
home

wearing any jewellery (say what)
yes- 2 rings.

did you right 'what' in that last box because you arnt wearing any

no

be honest, did you change what you put in that box when you saw the next question
no?!?! this is kinda dumb.

which part of your body hurt last
my ankle

do you know why

nope

would you kill someone to save someone you truly love
yes

are you spontaneous?
sometimes

if you had a choice how would you want to die
in my sleep

what would you want on your grave
I want to be cremated

what would your last words be
I don't know what the circumstances will be so it depends

if you could hug anyone right now who would it be
Clint

are you alergic to anything
not that I know of

where would you take someone, on a first date
I don't know??!

to break up
huh?!?!

to propose
i wouldn't

to apologise
i don't know.....the beach?

to say 'i love you'
wherever?!?!

if you had three wishes what would you wish for? (in the next three boxes)
happiness

wish 2
peace

wish 3
good health for my family-

if you could do one thing for the world what woukd it be (ANYTHIING)
peace

when have you been the happiest do far in your life
When I found out I was pregnant.

when do you think you will be that happy again
I hope so.

when will you be happier
When/if I have a baby

anything you want me to know
nope

why did you take this quiz
boredom

how long did this take you

too long
would you do it again if you knew how long it was

nope

do i sound like a nice person
Uh, an annoying one.

can i have a hug
No. :D

So............there is a job up the road, that is working as a sales girl for the local fish market- which would be totally cool. IT like a total of a 4 min drive there and I'd get the scoop on fresh fish.........
Right now I can only get a very limited number of hours due to other circumstances- so this position would be great b/c it is only 20 hrs a week- but its year round and after a few months I should be able to work full time- Which I Would prefer to do.....I'd hate to quit the job for somewhere else since I Would likely go there often......
I guess I should just apply and see what happens b/c any money at this point will be put to good use.....I got bills.
I can not imagine me handing someone fresh fish or crabbies.......like living ones.
Eeeek.
I'd be a fish market girl hahahaha

'Most recent change in your perspective?'
Suggested by OverDone


I will be thinking about this before I writ mine out

As I noted last time, Verizon has some decent Blackberry apps. Still mad (in a good way) about that internet radio. Not listening to that Belgian Vocal Trance station but on an Israeli Trance station (it is just about our national genre) I heard a perfect mashup, "Destination Awakening" by Redstar, a Redstar vs Dt8 Project. If THAT doesn't snap your neck nothing will. I love Dt8 anyway, Andrea Britton has a great voice. I keep the original mix of "Winter" on my memoury card (4GB, roughly 400 tracks including a dozen full mixes).

I have been getting into Dub Step lately, Caspa and Mr.Hudson "Back for the First Time." DJ Fresh...

Fuck it, here is my must have list:

"We Become One" Junkie XL

"Take my Love" Sound of SoHo

"Strange Condition" (Inpetto Vocal Mix) Morgan Page

"Star Strings" (Vocal Version) Jody Wisternoff

"Addicted" (Full Club Mix) Serge Devant ft Hadley

"Another Day on the Terrace" Sunlounger

"Any Love" (Scandall on Sunset Ibiza Rmx) *I don't even know the artist, I copped it off a Scandall CD I dug in Hong Komg on my way over here. He's got it on a 2010 Hed Kandi compilation but couldn't tell you which. The shit is reeeeal tight though.

"Autumn Sun" (Original Mix) DJ Tatana

"Fire" (Radio Edit) Ferry Corsten ft Simon Lebon (yeah, from Duran Duran but it is still a must have, when Ferry drops it in, man!)

"Key of Life" (MaRlo Rmx) Ohmna ft Nurlaila

"Pacifica" Freemasons


OK, enough for now.

Yet another "incident" took place. Friday afternoon I was going to get my methadone. The clinic is on the 2nd floor, I enter the building alone, am almost at the top of the stairs when I feel a guy coming up real fast. This guy even puts a hand lightly on my shoulder as if he is impatient but I decide to not say anything which is super unusual for me. After the library I have been making a conscious effort to not get into fights. I will be 44, it looks stupid getting into fistfights at this age. Being the person I am though, I decide to fuck with this asshole.

The hallway leading to the entrance on that 2nd floor is very narrow. I begin walking soooooooo slow. 2 steps from the entrance, literally, this dickhead actually jumps in front of me, literally mind you, and then jogs to the lady handing out the tickets. There was noone there waiting, what the fuck is he running for? 6 fucken windows? Anyway, I loudly said, "Fucken savages!" I know, I know, I shouldn't. "He said even louder, "Who you talking to, ME?"I then walked right past him to the 2nd ticket counter and was given a number ahead of him. I then looked at him nodding my head as if to say "Tsk,tsk" and said, "All that running for nothing" though I said that calmly.

I got my bottles, went downstairs expecting the guy to try to shine, but luckily for me he didn't come out after me. All I need to do is get pinched for an Assault. Anyway, I am about to leave this shithole of a city. It is kind of funny. There was a thread in "Second Opinion" forum asking if posters lock their doors. I explained about my life in Mindanao. I live in a concrete fort, surrounded by a moat (well on 3 sides, the 4th is a creek), which is itself surrounded by chainlink topped with razor wire. A poster asked how I can stand such a life, it must be stressful. The truth is though that in places where everyone openly carries AKs and M16s people never disrespect one another. It is only in the West that I get stressed. Go figure.

Anyway, very cold outside, expecting more snow though it may not come until after I leave.

Looking for some chill people to hang with from the area. If you like to smoke, drink, or nod... Hit me up

Within a few centuries, it will be technically if not ideologically feasible to abolish suffering of any kind. If we wish to do so, then genetic engineering and nanotechnology can be used to banish unpleasant modes of consciousness from the living world. In their place, gradients of life-long, genetically pre-programmed well-being may animate our descendants instead. Millennia if not centuries hence, the world's last aversive experience may even be a precisely dateable event: perhaps a minor pain in an obscure marine invertebrate.

Far-fetched? Right now, the abolitionist project sounds fanciful. The task of redesigning our legacy-wetware still seems daunting. Rewriting the vertebrate genome, and re-engineering the global ecosystem, certainly pose immense scientific challenges even to a technologically advanced civilisation.

The ideological obstacles to a happy world, however, are more formidable still. For we've learned how to rationalise the need for mental pain - even though its nastier varieties blight innumerable lives, and even though its very existence will soon become optional.

Today, any scientific blueprint for getting rid of suffering via biotechnology is likely to be reduced to one of two negative stereotypes. Both stereotypes are disturbing, pervasive, and profoundly ill-conceived. Together, they impoverish our notion of what a Post-Darwinian regime of life-long happiness might be like; and delay its prospect.

• The first stereotype of a pain-free world centres on soma - Aldous Huxley's brilliantly-conceived but spurious evocation of the "ideal pleasure-drug":
  
  

  "...Two thousand pharmacologists and bio-chemists were subsidized. Six years later it was being produced commercially. The perfect drug. Euphoric, narcotic, pleasantly hallucinant. All the advantages of Christianity and alcohol; none of their defects. Take a holiday from reality whenever you like, and come back without so much as a headache or a mythology. Stability was practically assured..."

  Click to expand...

  
  Soma is taken by the brainwashed and manipulated dupes of the ruling genetic caste in Brave New World. A cross between a hangoverless tranquilliser and a non-addictive opiate, soma allows Huxley's utopians to enjoy (episodes of) imbecilic, drug-induced bliss to offset their empty consumerist lives. In BNW, soma is a pleasureable cure-all; but it underwrites a static, philistine, loveless society where intellectual progress of any kind has been abolished. Surely we don't want to end up as brave new worlders?
  
  
• The second stereotype of life-long bliss strikes us as even more degrading than pharmacological hedonism. It features an intra-cranially self-stimulating rat. The little creature's enraptured frenzy of lever-pressing is eventually followed by death from inanition, self-neglect and immunological collapse. Not just rats, but also fish, chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, cats, dogs, monkeys and humans have all been found to exhibit electrical self-stimulatory behaviour when given the opportunity to do so. The pleasure-pain axis is an invariant feature of the vertebrate line - and beyond.

In the case of humans, our reward-pathways are (slightly) more anatomically diffuse than the average rodent. At least with present-day electrode-placement techniques, intra-cranial self-stimulation (ICSS) as practised by laboratory humans doesn't lead to uncontrolled hedonistic excess and death. Only depressed or deeply malaise-ridden human subjects compulsively self-stimulate when wired. Ill-defined "ethical constraints", however, are commonly held to forbid the human use of ICSS rather than to mandate its widespread adoption and refinement for "treatment-resistant" depression - even by avowed utilitarians. So instead of using depressed fellow humans, experimenters use rats. Pleasure-crazed rodents have become the symbolic expression of wirehead hedonism - and of all the pitfalls that "unnatural" pleasure entails.

Rats, of course, have a very poor image in our culture. Our mammalian cousins are still widely perceived as "vermin". Thus the sight of a blissed-out, manically self-stimulating rat does not inspire a sense of vicarious happiness in the rest of us. On the contrary, if achieving invincible well-being entails launching a program of world-wide wireheading - or its pharmacological and/or genetic counterparts - then most of us will recoil in distaste.

Yet the Olds' rat, and the image of electronically-triggered bliss, embody a morally catastrophic misconception of the landscape of options for paradise-engineering in the aeons ahead. For the varieties of genetically-coded well-being on offer to our successors needn't be squalid or self-centred. Nor need they be insipid, empty and amoral à la Huxley's Brave New World. Our future modes of well-being can be sublime, cerebral and empathetic - or take forms hitherto unknown.

Instead of being toxic, such exotically enriched states of consciousness can be transformed into the everyday norm of mental health. When it's precision-engineered, hedonic enrichment needn't lead to unbridled orgasmic frenzy. Nor need hedonic enrichment entail getting stuck in a wirehead rut. This is partly because in a naturalistic setting, even the crudest dopaminergic drugs tend to increase exploratory behaviour, will-power and the range of stimuli an organism finds rewarding. Novelty-seeking is normally heightened. Dopaminergics aren't just euphoriants: they also enhance "incentive-motivation". On this basis, our future is likely to be more diverse, not less.

Perhaps surprisingly too, controlled euphoria needn't be inherently "selfish" - i.e. hedonistic in the baser, egoistic sense. Non-neurotoxic and sustainable analogues of empathogen hug-drugs like MDMA ("Ecstasy") - which releases a lot of extra serotonin, dopamine and pro-social oxytocin - may potentially induce extraordinary serenity, empathy and love for others. An arsenal of cognitive enhancers will allow us be smarter too. For feeling blissful isn't the same as being "blissed-out".

Ultimately, however, using drugs or electrodes for psychological superhealth is arguably no better than taking medicines to promote physical superhealth. Such interventions can serve only as dirty and inelegant stopgaps. In an ideal world, our emotional, intellectual and physical well-being would be genetically predestined. A capacity for sustained bliss may be a design-feature of any Post-Darwinian mind. Indeed some futurists predict we will one day live in a paradise where suffering is physiologically inconceivable - a world where we can no more imagine what it is like to suffer than we can presently imagine what it is like to be a bat.

Technofantasy? Quite possibly. Today it is sublime bliss that is effectively inconceivable to most of us.

read more: [wireheading.com]

More so then any drug, I see coke bashed and bastardized on these forums. I grew up in NYC and tried coke after graduation getting it from one of my friends who sold very high quality coke at the time.

When asked about coke I tend to reply that I don't recommend trying it or discourage it, I just say that good coke is key. Cocaine is the champagne of drugs it is very expensive but the aspects that make it worth this price as very nuanced. Coke is not stronger than other stimulants, in fact I find addoral to be "stronger". Coke is far more pleasant.

Good coke is not tweaky, a few lines do not deprive one of sleep for an entire night, and one does not fiend ten minuets later. Good coke makes one throw up after three lines from the sheer purity, these lines will numb everything they touch withing ten seconds. There is no tingle, it is a full numbing as if Novo(caine) had been applied. One does not get physically tired while there mind is still going on coke, they feel one hundred percent energized and withing fatigue. A good line of coke lasts for about 30mins, and a redose of half a line should keep that going for close to an hour even with reasonable tolerance.

Bad coke is typically cut with amphs, this is useless garbage. This coke is as good or worse then just buying street speed, it is tweaky and fiendish. These lines will upset ones stomach in an unpleasant body load way, throwing up on pure coke is a smooth process that comes out of nowhere, the feeling of blowing amphs is more just heavy and unpleasant. One can blow almost limitless cut to shit coke without feeling as if they have had enough, something pure coke makes happen somewhat quickly. (3 lines for me and my tolerance is moderate, one line of good shit used to get me up and good).

Don't buy bad coke, its a waste of your money. The effect is similar enough to speed that its not worth paying those kind of prices. Bad coke is far more addictive and fiendish, if its not fire then don't both and its normally not.

ok well got up this morning at 8:20am, didn't sleep wortha shit last night because i'm still stuck to my "go to bed 3am" schedule, so it sucked.

the guy that did the seminar is a really cool guy. i've known him since 2007, and he got me here in this recovery place where i'm at today.
yesterday he talked about the brain, and how drugs effected the pleasure pathway, i dont have my notes, but he talked about the fancy named parts of the brain and how drugs effected them.
today he talked about step 4, (yesterday he talked about 1-3). I knew step 4 was listing people u hate, people uve slept with, and shit that scares you. which is in a nutshell sorta what it's like. what really stood out to me was the whole "fear" part of the 4th step invintory(sp)?, which i live in fear everyday. shit theres hundreds of things that i'm afraid of.
one thing is that i'm curently going through is, i'm afraid of jail, and prison. and monday i've having to turn myself in to b'ham jail. over a FTA. it sucks but before i can advance in my recovery i have to work through that, and since its my biggest fear atm, i gotta do it before i can work on any of the other shit.
a lot of people here care for me so that's pretty cool. i was worried about how i'm going to be able to pay for my space here at the halfway house, and if my spot will be here, they said not to worry about it becaause "people here care". which besides hearing it from bluelight, i didn't think anyone cared for me. yeah well my parents care, but it's a little diffrent.
called my sponsor a lil ago, and he's having a rough time dealing with a break-up. it was nice to talk friend to friend over whats going on in his life, and its cool that he opend up to me about it. because that means someone trusts me, which in the past no one has ever fucking trusted me, becasue i'm a lier, a cheat and a con. who wants to trust that?

YESSSS my foodstamp card came in, now i gotta activate it, and go shopppppppppppppppppin!
fuck im hungry lol.

well more will be revealed.
drew

I thought my Saturn Return would be kinda good- and in ways it has been. I have really been looking at myself, my life and my future or what I want for it........... It is confusing and yet simple.
I feel like my life has been turned upside down.
Not meaning to be so vague but its all I can think to say- b/c its about as clear as my head is.

Love is a 4 letter word that means so much, but than again it is just a word. But when you turn that word into a feeling, it changes everything.
Now there is a certain someone that this emotion is felt to the extreme, and I mean to the extreme (she know whose it is). Now I wish there was another word, other than love, because the word just doesnt express how I feel for her. Infatuation, well of course, devotion, only everything I do everyday; protector, well I try to, but I have been a having a little problem there since I cannot see her and I know she needs me. She says codependent, I say she is just my other half, my yin to my yang, my Sun to my Moon, my umm how to say this with it about being too sexual, (oh well) but yes my vagina to my penis. She is my everything and I am her everything. If she was to go from this world there would be no point for me caring on. And I believe this will never change, it hasnt for close to 10 years now.

When I am with her, nothing matters. Nothing, it is just me and her. When I am inside her, I am in complete heaven. I do not need a foreign substance to gain anything and I know this for sure. All I need is her to be with me. The only drug I need is her. I cant wait to be with her again and hopefully that will be sooner than later. I am working on it as the best as I could. It will be her Birthday in a few days, I wish I can give her the world, but unfortunately, I will be lucky to give her anything. Goodness she deserves so much more than I can give her, but she doesnt mind, she doesnt believe in materialistib stuff anyway. I really mess her and she knows that.

Now I know I got to take of mysele so I can take care of her. I will get better and everyday is getting better. Hopefully soon we shall be together and we will lay there together with nothing on and just hold her. Hold her in, hopefully by than, the strongest arms and she can just be safe. I cannot wait to be inside her and give her what I was the only man to ever give her (I know this what some people would not want to hear). But I was the one to actaully see her O face, and hear. I think the parents were still asleep and she didnt know I lived at home. So we serent thatr quiet. She met my OParents the next day.

Sorry I haveny posted in awhile, Eventhough the DA here is a butvh lesbian, she is ultra conservative and a bitch, but I have been in heaven, literally "I HAVE BEEN IN" my heaven and its so funny when you are sober its like, get it in there, ah shit I came.

well today started alright, went and did a little work, pourd some concrete, and then had to get on my belly and climb up under this house to fix some piping. shit sucked cuz i ran into like a dozen spiders.
nasty looking things, little, yellow/gold. big fat ass's poking in the air. i swear they lookd pretty posionious so i smashd them with my hammer.
i left my scent behind so it's only a matter of time before they get me while i'm sleeping.
helpd my buddy move into diffrent apartments.
tonight theres an AA seminar so it should be intersting. well other then that not a whole lot goin on.
goin 2 watch a movie tonight and chill.
TGIF!

im a mutant. a mysteriouse stranger. i come as a hero i leave as a damn fool. im going to be here for a while, get used to it. im a juggalo. proud to be white. but i aint a biggot im true. west-koast-killas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------fat--------------------------------------------------------------jay-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------whoop-----------------------------------------------------------whoop-----------------------------------------------

im a mutant. a mysteriouse stranger. i come as a hero i leave as a damn fool. im going to be here for a while, get used to it. im a juggalo. proud to be white. but i aint a biggot im true. west-koast-killas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------fat--------------------------------------------------------------jay-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------whoop-----------------------------------------------------------whoop-----------------------------------------------

well where to start,.
well have zero food, so it sucks. theres food in the fridge and in the pantry but it isn't mine. it's my room mates, and we are beefing at the moment.

he's ex-army and thinks that he can fucking control everything. fuck that i'm not letting him control me.

so he's got food in there, but i'm not going to touch it. no matter how hungry i am. i'm just going to have to deal with it.

i havn't eatn anything in the past 48 hours besides a little can of beany weenies.
shit sucks because i'm hungry.

i should've had foodstamps but the bitchs at the foodstamp office are fucking stupid.

theres something about me, its hard for me to go ask people for food, because they will look at me like i'm worth nothing.
so i dunno. maybe it's a pride thing, i guess i really wont know until i work the steps.
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on the other note, going to be working with my sponsor tonight, he's pretty cool. used to be on heroin and is a little bit older then me. so he knows sorta what i'm going through. he's going to bring me a ps2 game because my 360 is getting worked on.
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been working a little today, digging a septic tank it seems like, a shit pipe busted and i'm having to dig around it, and under it, getting shit water all over the place. shit sucks lol.
but its service work man, im not getting paid for it. so thats something pretty cool i guess.
ground was frozen this morning so i couldn't do anything, so i had to wait till later before i did anything.
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yeah going on 3 weeks sober now, almost a month, 2/3/11 is my 30days so dont feel like doing the math. working one day at a time. one minute at a time.

Today is my 21st day with absolutely no opiates of any kind. God must truly exist. Blood is thicker than water. A good girl goes a lot farther than a pretty one.

Feeling lethargic and minor depression. Nothing I can't handle. Cut down to 2-3 cigarettes a day. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

not really... i just figured i always bitch on here and felt like making a random post

hmm... i more or less worked stuff out with my friend who i posted about before. work is going well. i still hate cleveland. and snow. my new year's resolution is to move when the school year ends.

i never really thought it mattered. i suppose the state of one's penis might give me a clue where there person was raised, but that it is it.

somehow this came up while i was hanging out with my coworkers after work. it turned into a 45 minute conversation. maybe i am weird but discussing cocks with coworkers seems strange to me?

this is why i dislike hanging out with coworkers.

Yesterday I was using my Blackberry Curve, the device I am composing this entry on. All of a sudden my data services went dead. Each time I tried a different feature it had a window saying something along the lines of, "Server Busy, Try Again." In 2009 I was in the US for my medical treatment and T-Mobile (my carrier at the time) had a 3 week outage. It was maddening. Right away I thought the same, though now my carrier is Verizon. I checked with my friends with whom I am staying and who also use Verizon. They were fine.

I waited a half hour, then called Verizon. Verizon immediately told me that their Fraud Department had suspended my account. I use Verizon International fir 2 devices, my Blackberry and my Sidekick (1 for personal other for business). As time progresses I depend more and more on these phones and even in 200c I didn't have the feeling I had yesterday.

So I asked the talking head to connect me to Fraud, only to be told to leave my name and contact number. The problem being that my phones were dead, so I gave my friend's landline and hoped for the best.

No response. This morning at 8AM, the time Fraud opens, I had Verizon Customer Service patch me through. Finally I got a Fraud Co-ordinator on the line.

She tells me my account info doesn't match my Credit Report info. I was a bit relieved because of a prior relationship (which I will eventually get to in the "My Life" entries) where a lover took out several credit cards (actually 12) in my name, without my knowledge, then maxed them. I ended up paying 11,000 US to settle that shit but still had crap popping up years later. I don't believe in credit and until those cards had never even applied for credit. The Fraud Co-ordinator said my Report had me listed at 400 Brook Avenue, my flat here in the Bronx. I explained that I hadn't lived there since early 2006. I told her I have the International Contract because I live and work abroad and that this was all covered when I signed with them. She asked me to fax her copies of my official I'd with my current address on them. I explained that as an expat in the Philippines I did not get any type of official I'd (actually if you get Official Residency you do get a card but I am ineligible for that since it requires FBI Clearance if I claim my American citizenship, or Department of Interior Clearance from Israel. Can't get FBI having been in an American prison and Israel wont allow me to live in Mindanao because it is a war zone with Islamic based insurgencies). I asked if my civil marriage certificate from the Philippines might suffice (not that I bring it everywhere I go) but she said no. Finally I asked, if I provide something with the address I am staying at, would that do the trick. She asked what address was it, I told her, she said yes as long as it is "official." Asking what would constitute "official" proof I was told that government or utility correspondence.

Luckily I had just received a letter from OASAS (the NY State regulatory body for methadone maintenance) regarding my transitioning between foreign medical providers and my programme here in NY. I went to a pharmacy around the corner faxed a copy of my passport, as well as that paper and within in hour was re-connected.

The outage though made me realise that I really need to stop being so reliant upon technology. That's me, always looking for the blessing in disguise.

I do love this Blackberry though. I have internet radio on it, getting a Vocal Trance (my fave genre) from Brussels right now. I need to buy a pair of those Dr.Dre HD Headphones though! I have Sony 700s (DJ Headphones). I bought 3 pairs (I love them) for 540 US (total) since my single pair broke in Mindanao and I found it impossible to repair. Now I see J and R Musicworld in Manhattan has them for 80 US each! DR Dres are fantastic, 320 US a set though.
Anyway, enough for now...