Blogs

I have been drinking so much more lately.
Sometimes its just a few glasses of wine at night to wind down- and one night I Was out to get trashed to celebrate my 30th Bday........
But there have been a few nights here (like last night) that I drank way too much and spend the entire next day suffering from it.
I was told to slow my roll by a wise man, and I think he is right.
Time to slow the heck down........
Can't stand these headaches.

The insomnia is going to drive me to a crazy house. Maybe it's my deviated septum, maybe it's just my body adjusting to sobriety; I just can't remain asleep. I think if I'm dreaming, I'm experiencing something called "REM" but I'm still really tired when I wake up.
Physically, I'm feeling better. No more chills!!! I just need to keep reminding myself how much worse it was in the beginning. Another day another dollar.

Talk about the "OJ" of creativity. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to contribute when I'm put in social situations. Time seems so precious to me now. It's worth more to me than anything materialistic. Time is a man's best friend. Dogs come second Biggest improvement? I don't have to poop every 5 seconds. Thank goodness! "Keep on keepin' on".

My head is spinning, my heart is pumping and consticting and all those feeling of old attraction become in the light of day again.

I dunno what to think or do or say.

What do you say after you find your very first boyfriend again online after 15yrs?

Damn, i can't believe I just looked over this page to see if I have a filter option to make it friends only being paranoid he would read this. haha.

Not saying i want that again, not saying I am attracted to him still. Just the shock of acidentally finding him online was a shock. More so after TRYING to find him 5 years ago and couldn't so I gave up. Now I was goofing around on a site and put something in that was from a movie and his picture pops up. I get curious and message him -- its him.

not sure what to think or do. wow.

funny how life works out.

Fate or truely just accidental? not sure. I would like to think fate as we are all meant to meet people again after losing touch. What path it takes is all up in the "stars".

On another unrelated matter, WTF is up with Facebook? Password issue this morning. Its changing password on people. What the heck? My bestfriend also said it happened to her, so its not like it was just me.

Weird. Life is.

What are you gonna use to celebrate the upcoming game/day?

To say i have been feeling down as of late would be a big fucking understatement. Yesterday everything came crashing down in one big pile of regret. Nothing but thoughts of regret, missed opportunities, missed chances and just plain rotten luck of the last year. I thought i was having a nervous breakdown because it all hit me at the same time like a sack of bricks. All those missed opportunities and regrets of things i could have done seem so much more depressing on a sunless sunday afternoon somehow.

It just seems that i have nothing to look foreward to in this coming year at all not compared to last year. This time last year i had a plane ticket bought to go meet my g/f and i was as happy as could be. I felt like the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet and perhaps i was atleast for a little bit. I thought i would never see this place again once i got to the airport and i gladly kissed it goodbye. But luck being what it is or fate if you can call it that had different plans and i was back on this fucking rock by the spring. Why couldnt i have stayed out there and have some sort of life for myself? Why couldnt something have gone my way? It was not even my fault that things got fucked up and perhaps that is what makes me so pissed off about it. It took months, a few hundred alcoholic beverages and a fair share of blow and opiates to beat it into my fucking head that it was not my fault. But it does not seem to make it any easier.

So i have felt like someone trapped in a prison cell since i came "home" again. It certainly does not feel like home anymore that is for sure. Ive been in a manic frenzy on and off since i got back pretty much. Either that or wallowing in a pit of despair that seems bottomless at times. I have to get out of here ASAP beg, steal or motherfuckin borrow.

The only peace i seem to get these days is when i am asleep or too high to notice im miserable. Solace in the needle. Spike a vein, draw blood, shoot it home and im at peace. All my problems go away. For a few hours anyway

This will so weird! I lapsed this passed november since december I have beeen shooting everyday for two months now. Every single time I shoot up I throw you. With in 5 mins im vomiting uncontrolably. I stay naucious anywhere from 5-18 hours. I feel will sick I don't feel the high most it the time I'm losing a lot it weight and I look sick all the time. I tried shooting smaller hits, eatting before, eatting after, i heard taking fiber helps, it didn't. I even used different types of dope, even snorthing gets me sick. Ive trief EVERYTHING but I'm still sick. Why does this happen to me? HELP!

(I posted this the other day but deleted it shortly after. I was in a negative space when I typed it. Kinda went against my 'personal rules' for Blogs in deleting it. For good or bad, my feelings are my feelings and are a snapshot of myself at a particular moment. It is what it is)

I'm hoping this particular perspective will pass and that it isn't a reality. I sense it is truth.

I've come to realize that I'm the only one that can do anything about my personal life challenges and that I have to deal with them by myself. Essentially, people don't want to hear it.

I get support and can reach out to people that I have never met but I have been refraining from that. Besides, its pretty fuckin' sad that my real friends are screen names on BL and the occasional voice on the phone from long distances away.

This teaches me about personal responsibility. If I fail to do what is necessary than I am the only one to blame for the consequences. When I do manage to do what is required in the day-to-day I benefit from the results. I'm okay with this. Its simple and its something every person in existence experiences.

The perspective? Its one of loneliness. I got this... you can fuckin' bet on that, but, I sure would like to share the positive with folks regardless of their disappearances during the negatives.

I guess the positive is being shared, just not in a way that I am accustomed to.

I dunno... being aware that it is all up to me, that I gotta handle my pains without bothering folks is making me strong but it is also making me colder.

Expectations, man. They cloud my rational thought. Everyone does things in their own way. I just hate the selfishness and immediate conclusion from others that 'I got this'.

Fuck it, man. Do we really need others in our lives at a personal level? I think it is more of a 'want' than a 'need'. My responsibilities are my 'needs'. My 'wants' may happen later in this game.

Take care of shit 'now' for a better 'later'. Everything else (friendship, hobbies, fun, etc) are just extras. They'll come later.

My foundation is built and its strong. Those other things will hold strong on that cement some day. I hope I will have resolved my resentments towards others when I'm ready to build.

I forgot to tell everyone that i got a new PFT testing and blood gasses and all those lovely tests and apparently lungs can heal themselves because my lungs are at 90% again, I'll never be 100% because of my reconstructive palate surgery and my post nasal drip and skin fusion of my palat to my tonsils.

I'm just happy that either the first 3 tests were wrong or that my lungs somehow healed.

Oh and the new x-ray showed nothing like the first one did. Last one looked like someone with emphazema. This one, nothing abnormal.


Long long life ahead of me, unless I get hit by a bus tomorrow. lol.

woaaah i av spent all day listenin to dubstep and LOVIN it. runescape has been high on the menu too...that tune tho. bar 9 shut ya mouth and a lot of stuff by datsik. its all awesome. lovin it, had a wicked night at the best friends last night, drank a bottle of vodka and enjoyed the vibes. gotta do it more often! thinkin i gotta piss off and make some tea now. grrrreat

crisis - a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])


What crisis brought me to recovery?

This is going to be long but fortunately I have always kept a journal as well as posting my misery online. Below (in blue italics) is the trend that brought me to NA:

07-21-2008 19:42

Its gettin' bad

Fuck! I had a nice run of banging coke. My connect was cool with fronting massive ammounts ($50 and $100 at a time). I was able to keep it going for about 3 months, eventually owing about $10k. Dude knew me when i was succesful and had no idea i was flat broke. I talked the talk and it worked for a bit. Now he wants his loot (can't blame him) and I don't have it.

I kept on telling myself "it's cool, i can always sell this and that". Now i'm actually thinking of a second mortgage. More immediately, I plan on hitting the pawn shop just so i can give him something and, more importantly, see if i can use the cash to hopefully get something to jam in my arm (actually feet and legs).

I know the drill... if i get more, i'll just be in the same spot after its gone. What then? I only have so much of value to pawn off (i still haven't paid my bills either). What the fuck do i do?!?!!

The easy answer is just STOP. It isn't that easy. How do i get over the obsession of getting another hit. I fucked myself by enjoying the "neverending" high for so long. Its almost like having a credit card and just buying shit without care because the money isn't something you can grasp.

People who have kicked this shit, how did you gain the strength and motivation to stop? I have none. I'm fucking weak as shit when it comes to sticking coke in my veins. I fantasize about it, talk about it, and cruise the internet to read topics about it. How the fuck did you stop?

07-21-2008 20:46
Thanks for the input. I did was able to stay clean in the past through NA for 5 year spurts. My meeting attendance stopped and soon enough I was back using again. After 5 years i started feeling like a "normal" person and then... the shit hit the fan.

I know what needs to be done but i'm having a real hard time with it. its the damn obsession.

Dude won't do anything harsh concerning my debt, i helped him in the past with a free place to live for 8 months. The most i'll have to worry about is the factg that i lied to the dude and hear his complaining. He was good with it when i ran the tab but now he needs loot.

I tell myself i'll go to the gym, sleep all day, drink or anty number of things to distract myself from the shit but the fact that its so easy to get is making it tough.

I know i sound like a pussy and lots of people have been able to kick it no problem but fuck how do you get it out of your mind and how can i stop being such a pussy about it?

07-23-2008 02:58

Originally Posted by Dxmmonster
No man you dont sound like a pussy. Almost everyone here on this forum has had addiction problems. It's soo natrual to be afraid to face reality. No drugs means actually dealing with problems in life.

Fuckin sucks, I just suddenly realized the other day that I was fully addicted to tramadol and NEEDED it to live a normal life... the second I realized that, it scared the shit outta me even tho I was high at that time.

Sorry for all the negative vibes in my post, just hope you get through this shit.
Peace out

Click to expand...

I didn't catch any negative vibes from your post. What i like about BL is you get honesty from folks who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose. We lie to ourselves so much that we need people to reign us in and say " your full of shit and you know it. This is what ya need to do"

I'm doing ok I suppose. I did an 8ball last night which (compared to $400/$500 a day) is an improvement. Today I did about a gram and a half, popped ativan and OTC nighttime sleep aids with vodka to knock me out.

I'm going to make a commitment to journal each day in the hopes that putting my feelings/need on paper will help.

I'm still a pussy though, I cried (the blubbering type of cry) today. Self pity and realization that I destroy or run away from good things has brought me to this point. I never craved a fucking hug before but I would have traded my car for the opportunity to hug/hold someone who understood while i just cried and absorbed some sort of human closeness

We are thinking my son has ODD and possibly ADHD. They also want to test him / evaluate him for bipolar as well.

He has attacked just about everyone he knows, violently but not overly violent. Just slapping, punching, kicking, biting, yelling, defiance to anyone in athority. Attacking class mates, kicked one kid in the head that was supposedly a good friend and who NOW they play well. He is an authoritan, he has to be in charge and ording people around all the time, and if things don't go his way he freaks out and cries and/or hitting, running around, yelling, defiance. Also in his OLD class (they had to switch him, more explanation to come) class he used to make a loud BEEP noise, run around and hide, mouth off and swear, try to run away from class, and have his evil little laugh and think its all a riot. No care for anything but himself.

He has done just about everything short of trying to kill himself or anyone else....with a weapon that is.

He convinced his bestfriend to get scisors and to cut the screen window on a 2nd floor bedroom out and to jump out. Thanks be to whomever is up there, they got caught by my BFF's husband. He threw a screwdriver at my head the other day.

His behaviour has been in a lull for a couple days, I suspect this weekend it will flair up again because he see's his dad.

He has a file with an orginization I cannot mention, and not CAS/CPS, its an organization that helps kids with serious behaviour issues in our city. I only don't mention it because I don't premote anything unless someone needs help of the same services.

I worry about him though, I worry about him being put on meds, I worry what he'll become because of his issues but I know that at least I am tryign constantly and he is recieving loving care and guidance from me and that's all I can do asa parent is guide him in the right way and lead by example.

Kids with ODD are scary man, heck my own kid can be scary at times. Not when he's hitting and stuff...just this last time throwing a screw driver at my head. Now I have to report it to the psyche in the morn and I worry that they might form him.

Well, we'll see.

Well, I have been 1 year clean this month. It hasn't been overly easy but not really much temptation to fall off the wagon. Lately though with having some pretty strong PMS its induced some stress and so in turn I am feeling the erge to get high and just mellow out but I haven't yet and I don't plan on to. I have nothing in my house to get high anyhow, not even a tylenol around here.

I got a new puppy today!!

[edit: took picture down due to size]


She's the one looking into the camera.

Ok, for most of my life I have been underweight. I was 100Lbs from 16yrs old until 1999 when I had my first kid. Then after that kid I went down to 120Lbs for 3 months and then back to 100Lbs after that. i was 100Lbs until 2004 when I got preggers with my 2nd kid and went down to 110Lbs after I had him, then back to 100Lbs 6mos after i had him. Then was 100Lbs until July 2009 when i went up to about 112Lbs, then in Sept/Oct 2009 I started using drugs and doing pills so I went down to 96Lbs. When I stopped doing that crap in Jan 2010 I went up to 105Lbs. Then by Summer 2010 i was about 115Lbs. Then I moved out here and by october 2010 I was 121Lbs.
I haven't weighed myself since then but I have definately gained at least 3-5Lbs.
I have water retention / swelling, fatique, increased appitite, weight gain, ongoing period then no period (sorry tmi).
Yeah, no I am not pregnant. Something is going on. Maybe too much salt? My iron is low side of normal...maybe that needs a slight fix. maybe its something hormonal...
I walk each day but not enough to swell.
This started in December when I DID have a pregnancy scare but Im not preggo. So I am all WTF?!
I am seeing my Dr. soon to get whatever this is pinned down.
bah, I hate being this much weight but I know its good for me. **shrugs**

Well, some definite changes in how I see and approach things now as compared to when I was getting high are recognizable of late.

Back then, it was all about immediate results. Now, now, now... me, me, me. All that did was postpone all the feelings and avoid all the realities that I couldn't handle.

Now, it is the complete opposite (mostly). I recognize that patience is necessary and that long term results don't materialize until later (imagine that?). I now accept that groundwork must be laid and that what I do today sets the future in motion. Yeah, I get down at times but these blues are shorter in duration and have always been alleviated by the results of present actions.

Its interesting how the two lifestyles are in direct opposition to each other.

Well, I got my felony readiness hearing tomorrow. It;s so funny how are legal system works. They got so much evidence on me there is no way I'm Not Guilty. But I don;t hav enough money so we got to do what the Public Pretender says. Maybe I will actually get offered the deal topmorrow. Shit when I did a real crime they gave me a misd. in no time flat. I get caught with soemthing that affects only me, well lets fuck with this guy now, HAHA stupid DA. Maybe if they worked a little harder on real issues like all the corruptness thats going down at cityhall, San Diego wouldn't be so fucked up with its problems. Oh well, like the Clash said, " I fought the law and the law won."

What do you guys think about bringing Blog themes back?
Remember those?

Give us your opinion!
If you guys like the idea, we can start another list up and go through them.......

Didn't sleep good last night, been thinking about the whole situation in turning myself in monday.
shit sucks, but before i can move any further in my recovery i'm going to have to knock out this legal shit. Going to spend some time in jail over it.
I'm going to still have my bed here in the halfway house, and everything. so that's reassuring for me when I get out of jail.
I'll be leaving tommorow mid morning sometime, my sponsor is picking me up, and taking me to the jail. so I can do my time. I havn't told my parents yet, don't really want to get em all stressed, and don't want to get them more $$$ involved in me then they already are. I don't have a bond to bail out, so it sucks, but it's for the best. It will be a damn good clean living experience to tell others when I get out.
gotta overcome this fear, shit isn't good for me. so going to face FEAR damnit. I don't like it, since i'm working on building a new me, er well recovering the old me. I gotta learn to live without fear in my life. and all the unhealthy shit.
I'm still living in fear today, trying to get through it. I'm working through it by being aggresive, and in the long run i know the shits going to start problems, but for the moment it's helping me get through the feeling of feeling "lessthan".

finished up the seminar today, went good. the instructor went in detail into steps 6-12. got a certificate, and signed up to get 10 hours of credit. to count towards my future addiction counsler.

going to a meeting tonight, 6pm and 7pm.

keep me in ur thoughts, i might add later to this, loves u all.

Drewpy

I'm hoping this particular perspective will pass and that it isn't a reality. I sense it is truth.

I've come to realize that I'm the only one that can do anything about my personal life challenges and that I have to deal with them by myself. Essentially, people don't want to hear it.

I get support and can reach out to people that I have never met but I have been refraining from that. Besides, its pretty fuckin' sad that my real friends are screen names on BL and the occasional voice on the phone from long distances away.

This teaches me about personal responsibility. If I fail to do what is necessary than I am the only one to blame for the consequences. When I do manage to do what is required in the day-to-day I benefit from the results. I'm okay with this. Its simple and its something every person in existence experiences.

The perspective? Its one of loneliness. I got this... you can fuckin' bet on that, but, I sure would like to share the positive with folks regardless of their disappearances during the negatives.

I guess the positive is being shared, just not in a way that I am accustomed to.

I dunno... being aware that it is all up to me, that I gotta handle my pains without bothering folks is making me strong but it is also making me colder.

Expectations, man. They cloud my rational thought. Everyone does things in their own way. I just hate the selfishness and immediate conclusion from others that 'I got this'.

Fuck it, man. Do we really need others in our lives at a personal level? I think it is more of a 'want' than a 'need'. My responsibilities are my 'needs'. My 'wants' may happen later in this game.

Take care of shit 'now' for a better 'later'. Everything else (friendship, hobbies, fun, etc) are just extras. They'll come later.

My foundation is built and its strong. Those other things will hold strong on that cement some day. I hope I will have resolved my resentments towards others when I'm ready to build.

I couldn't decide what to write about here- My view of myself, my life, others and just everything in general has changed so much over the last two years.
I feel like I have been broken and I'm working on piecing myself back together atm.
I used to think that if I loved enough, my life would be good. I realized in doing so I lost myself. I let myself become someone I didn't want to be and now I am getting myself back.
I went from viewing life through these eyes that were full of stars, to seeing life for what it is.
I've known pain, I'm not saying I lived with my head in the clouds, but I lived for the wrong reasons........
I see myself for who I am now. And I see life and those around me with new eyes as well.
Not all wonderful, not all bad- it is what it is.
blah. maybe I should write about something else..............
I might delete this

not important anymore

DEAR MUNCHKIN
it really hurts me that we are no longer friends. you will never know. all i want is for you to take responsibility for your actions and promise me things will change. your jealousy ruined everything. you make me feel like i am supposed to be your property wen i am not. i have a family and other friends and yes i do still need you! i cant understand why you are so adamant on passing the blame on for that night. i KNOW it was you but you will never admit that and as a result we cant even talk to each other without throwing insults.
my fiance is the only one who has told me i should make amends with you cos he can see me hurting and all you have done is bad mouth him to me.
i really wish i could say this to you but when i tried to explain you ignored me or denied everything to try to belittle me. when the shoe was on the other foot and i refused to reply to any of your messages you would not stop. i wish in some ways i never told you why i was so angry. at least then it felt like you cared. now it just feels like you tried to hurt me intentionally.
we were friends a very long time! now look what we have become! enemies!
i never wanted this but i wanted a better life for myself. there is more to life than taking drugs and you know it.
i have not changed.well maybe i have but he has not changed me and she has not changed me....i have become sick of my old life. i am ready to settle down, have a nice home, get married and getting hammered with you every weekend was no good for me.
i dont know if you were trying to manipulate me or you didnt do any of it intentionally but it made me pull away from you.
i feel sad every day knowing i have lost my best friend. maybe i am softening up.
i wanted you to be the first person i tell i am pregnant and that cant happen now. it breaks my heart. all i want is a sincere apology from you.
i miss you.
charl xxx

Got this from some Survey site:

ok, start with the basics, whats your name
Ocean

age
ALmost the big 3-0

gender
Girlie.

shoe size
8 1/2-9

height
5'8-9"

eye colour
hazel

hair colour
black

ok these ones are all your favourite things, starting with
colour
This is hard...
Blue or green or a combo of the two- The color of the ocean
I'm getting into red pretty big time though.

food
I love all food..........
BUT I might say German?

hair style
I don't have a fav

jelly bean flavour
?? don't have a fav

website (dont suck up to this one, be honest)
BL of course!!


number
Hmmmmmm- donno, maybe 3

item on clothing (descriptions are better than just 'my T-shirt')
ON clothing?!?! Uh- maybe a witty saying? or picture of something I like?

moving on again now, pepsi or coke

neither

chocolate or vanilla
both

tv or books
both

staying in or going out
Um, well, its always been staying in......but I'm feeling adventurous.

friends or family
family

myspace or facebook
FB

nail polish or natural (guys just say if you like girls to wear it or not)
nailpolish is my new obsession

art or sports
art

past or future
I like the idea of both

left or right
depends.

odd socks or matching ones
both. I just love socks.

tea, coffee or neither
both

hot or cold
cold

fly or fall
huh?>??

run or ride
ride

sing or scream
sing

watch or join in
watch

dance or laugh
laugh

just pick one now, continent
this one

type of sweet
Tira Misu

girls name
Saoirse

boys name
Atlas

fizzy drink
Tattinger's

what makes you? happy
Lots of things

sad
sheesh- um, a lot of things


giggley
my best friend

obnoxious
my brother :D

sleepy
alcohol

hungry
not eating

empty
eh.

cold
lies.

bouncy
a trampoline

mature
age

immature
age

loud
its natural i think?

shy
people

next, describe your dream person starting with gender
male

eye colour
? doesn't matter


height
TALL

hair colour
doesn't matter

smart or sassy
smart

droop dead gorgeous or stomach crampingly funny-
FUNNY all the way.


give three other qualities they would need


are you single


do you drink
yes

what do you think about smokers, or say if you do
I am one atm Boo me. I failed.

ever punched someone
ahah yeah.

if yes did they deserve it, if no say rar
I wouldn't have punched them if they didn't

what word or phrase do you use wayy too much

Like, OMG and ummmm


got a mobile?
yep


if yes what make if no say meh
ummmm erricson

tell me something no one knows about you (dont worry i probably dont know you)


what job do you have
none

what job do you want
any

where are you
home

wearing any jewellery (say what)
yes- 2 rings.

did you right 'what' in that last box because you arnt wearing any

no

be honest, did you change what you put in that box when you saw the next question
no?!?! this is kinda dumb.

which part of your body hurt last
my ankle

do you know why

nope

would you kill someone to save someone you truly love
yes

are you spontaneous?
sometimes

if you had a choice how would you want to die
in my sleep

what would you want on your grave
I want to be cremated

what would your last words be
I don't know what the circumstances will be so it depends

if you could hug anyone right now who would it be
Clint

are you alergic to anything
not that I know of

where would you take someone, on a first date
I don't know??!

to break up
huh?!?!

to propose
i wouldn't

to apologise
i don't know.....the beach?

to say 'i love you'
wherever?!?!

if you had three wishes what would you wish for? (in the next three boxes)
happiness

wish 2
peace

wish 3
good health for my family-

if you could do one thing for the world what woukd it be (ANYTHIING)
peace

when have you been the happiest do far in your life
When I found out I was pregnant.

when do you think you will be that happy again
I hope so.

when will you be happier
When/if I have a baby

anything you want me to know
nope

why did you take this quiz
boredom

how long did this take you

too long
would you do it again if you knew how long it was

nope

do i sound like a nice person
Uh, an annoying one.

can i have a hug
No. :D

So............there is a job up the road, that is working as a sales girl for the local fish market- which would be totally cool. IT like a total of a 4 min drive there and I'd get the scoop on fresh fish.........
Right now I can only get a very limited number of hours due to other circumstances- so this position would be great b/c it is only 20 hrs a week- but its year round and after a few months I should be able to work full time- Which I Would prefer to do.....I'd hate to quit the job for somewhere else since I Would likely go there often......
I guess I should just apply and see what happens b/c any money at this point will be put to good use.....I got bills.
I can not imagine me handing someone fresh fish or crabbies.......like living ones.
Eeeek.
I'd be a fish market girl hahahaha

'Most recent change in your perspective?'
Suggested by OverDone


I will be thinking about this before I writ mine out