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The repetitive, mind numbing ordeal of living with this day after day has taken its toll.
I feel nothing inside of me. Nothing.
I literally have begun to feel a void inside of me. It's hard to explain.
When I sit still and try to enjoy being high, I'm still reminded of the bullshit in the air, suffocating me.
The only time I cannot be consciously aware of my shit is when I'm sleeping, not dreaming. And I hate sleep. Go figure.
You smile, I take the cue that something is funny, and smile back.
I can't relate to your state of euphoria.
But I can pretend.
Deep down I hate your fucking soul, inside and out, for being everything I'm not.
Inside I don't even fucking want to be alive, cause my whole fucking life is a lie. A lie I didn't ask for. A lie I'm left to piece back together to make a truth.
I know that if I'm ever to make a truth out of this shit, I have to keep swimming.
So I'm cramming drugs down my throat in an attempt to feel alive, or want to live, for that short lived high.
It used to be a now and then, now its an everything inbetween.

 

You can build something inside of you. When there is nothing, there is only room for creating. Dont move to fast when you dont even know why you are, keep moving but dont forget that you need to keep yourself okay first...you dont have to shoulder all the agony alone.

 

The thing is, I know exactly why I'm moving fast, and the faster I move, the sooner I can gain the money I need to accomplish what I need to to feel alive for once in my fucking life.