The abyss is staring back at me again

I'm stuck. 27 years old, two degrees sitting on my wall, and I can't hold down a job for the life of me. I tried really hard this time: 1.5 years of trudging my way through a job I hated before I had a fucking OVERDOSE at work that almost killed me on the 25th of last month. All the low pay, all of the headaches, all of the hopelessness culminated in a nervous breakdown combined with a genuinely needed visit to the ER. Heroin, Xanax, and about 14 somas had my blood pressure low and my heart rate near 300 BPM. Never felt like that before in my life. Shaking uncontrollably and nodding at the same time. The embarrassment of being put on medical leave the next work day, and here I remain almost a month later with almost no hope of being brought back. My financial situation is dire. I'm supposed to be rich by now and I am in poverty.

The position was soul crushing and I felt trapped. Work was killing me already and then I discovered heroin, which was such a welcome relief compared to the mountains of expensive pills I was taking every day despite my inability to get high of of them anymore. I am so sad right now. So disappointed. So close to taking a massive shot and not waking up ever again. After 4 days in the hospital detoxing, I am not better mentally. I have destroyed my credit and it is keeping me from getting a good job, which makes me wake up every day and cringe when I see those degrees hanging on the wall. It makes me cringe that I've been offered lots of money when i was younger but neglected it to explore Europe.

I am beyond bankrupt. I need a miracle. I haven't eaten in days and just walking outside causes me to lose control of my gag reflex because I am losing my contact with this world. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't know whether I want to see how this story ends. I don't think I am going to be around much longer, and I know I've said that before but I am not doing very well anymore and I don't know if I can climb out.

 

I'm not going to address the 'ending it' ideation, because you already know my thoughts on that. Clearly though, your current situation is untenable. You're very talented at what you do-- anyone who has been following your 'serious' posts knows that well-- but do you actually enjoy doing it? Obviously not. So... what do you enjoy doing? Other than getting high?

You're a very intelligent person, that's obvious. I worry that your only motivation up until now has been money. Now, I know that your debt load and other obligations are not usual, but that being said: is there a way for you to monetize something about which you're passionate? It's hard as hell to think of such things when one is in despair, but even taking your first steps in a different career direction can help to show you the way. As long as maximum fiscal profit is not necessarily your goal.

The guy selling roadside corn for six hours a day six days a week, but who has a rich home life, fulfilling relationships and has intellectually stimulating hobbies, is successful. The man who spends 14 hours a day at the office but makes half a million a year in base salary before bonuses but has no time or energy to do anything but work is (IMO) a failure.

It may sound glib coming from someone whom you've never met irl, and who is by nature somewhat detached, but having experienced both I would say without hesitation that the work which allows for a comfortable but not extravagant lifestyle while leaving time and energy for socialization and hobbies beats out the lucrative but exhausting/consuming work.

You can get through this, but (IMO) there are a few things that you need to get over first. One: buying stuff. Living below your means is a good exercise in humility and fiscal responsibility, and is vital to living well. You know better than any other the pitfalls of spending money you don't yet have. Two: the world owes you nothing. You're smart, you have two degrees, and you're very skilled at what you do, but that doesn't entitle you to anything. Work sucks sometimes, but rather than looking at the days individually, it can help to take a longer view. A job may blow, but it gives vital experience which can be used to obtain a far better one. No matter what your education, once you're in the workforce all that really matters is your experience, your references, and your contacts. Which is what you build up at your 'crappy' jobs.

You can climb out, and I think you want to. I hope that you want to. But once you start to climb out, you need to keep from digging a fresh psychological hole. Which means changing habits. Hard as hell, there are no illusions there. But by doing so you will learn so much about yourself, motivation, and human nature that you will have a great edge over others who have had easier going.

You know your situation best. If you need help, for fuck's sake GET IT. There's no shame in asking for help, whether it's fiscal, psychological, advisory or even full-on inpatient. You know what is going on best, and I can only hope that you are able to see the value that I see in you, and that you are worth the effort required to set yourself back where you feel that you aught to be.

Be well, and don't do anything permanent. Please.

 

I agree with everything Dave said.

When I was in my 20s I had the two degrees, and yet had to move back in with my folks as I couldn't get employment to save my life, and just drank myself stupid for several years. Don't know what I would have done if I'd discovered opiates at that stage in my life, they came later, when I was more stable.

I ended up with the "great job" that paid great but just made me fucking miserable so found something I could do freelance and just did enough of it to survive. But all the crappy jobs and the great job that made me miserable paved the way to that. It was a long road but doable.

As Dave said you are worth the effort to get through this, hang in there, somehow.

 

Thanks guys. I hate shitting on bluelight like this, but I'm always grateful to have a helping hand.

 

No worries, bluelight is the only place where I can openly shit and not feel ashamed for anything I say. No one in my life, in person, do I disclose my drug use or personal struggles to. Only BL.