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Wil loves what he does, but the question 'What do you do?'epitomises inane conversation that is just a social routine when he enters the world of the 'straight'.
Will have been doing drugs on and off for a 20 years or so. He doesn't sell, doesn't steal to support his habit and is a functioning successful member of the community.
On the contrary he is proud of what he does and his business contributes and positively impacts on the community.
But he is always seeking something more. The 9-5 grind, buying a house and paying it off so that when he dies his children can have doesn't appeal.
Marriage, an institution fabricated by the factions that dictate social etiquette, didn't suit-to be with a partner for the sake of it. People change.
But he can't picture a life without drugs.
The weekend BBQ at some estate, 30km's from the city, having to 'mingle', socialise for the sake of it, having to answer and explain 'What he does', for the tenth time and even worse, asking it himself.
Longing to be 'off chops' escape the humdrum, the mundane, the normal.
Once you have been there, how can you go back.
It's killing him slowly, mentally, physically and financially.
Death by a thousand grams, lured continually like the proverbial moth to a flame.
He can stop and has, but what then? What's the same as the rush from coke? The feeling or warmth from smack? The complete euphoria from a double drop of the perfect flipper? The sense of industry from ice?
Base jumping? Car racing? Deep sea fishing? What everyday, week? Sure.
How can he go back? What is the norm?
What does he do?

In the past few months, I have been receiving "urgent" messages -- perhaps from my subconscious -- that I need to prepare myself to live in solitude. This being said, I cannot understand what this is trying to tell me. I currently am in a relationship with a very special person in which I believe we get along well. I am trying to sort through the possibilities of my subconscious requiring me to live by myself or if it simply means mental preparations (a "just in case", if you will) for any time I might have to live by myself.

I have a wonderful, supportive family and, as I have mentioned, I'm not considering breaking up with that special person. It's putting some stress in our relationship, though.

Any thoughts?

PS. Yes, I am a camel.

Hello all. I snorted a 20 mg norco, and then a few hours later took a 30 mg adderall. I'm feeling a bit shaky and weird. What should I do?

I always told myself: Captainballs, all you have to do at this waiting tables job is go sober for one or two days and you will come out ahead money-wise. Well I did. Sunday.

Saturday night, I was out of everything. I had been doing h pretty much 24 hours per day for the last week with bars. I was unable to score anything, not even pills, on Saturday night. Enter Sunday: someone had previously paid me to take their shift, and the day a fiend turns down $15 is a cold day in hell, so I did it, making my Sunday about 12 hours long.

I was about as anxious as it gets. The previous night, I did not sleep at all. what do I have to rest about? No money, girlfriend basically trapped in another country and I don't have the financial muscle anymore to un-bind her, living at mom's house, resting on two degrees that cost nearly $150,000 to get, credit score that puts me on par with a convicted felon - all of these things running through my mind when I'm sober.

I show up to work and do my first shift with only minor panic attacks. Sometimes it's just hard for me to believe that I'm serving people food. It's surreal all the fucking time unless I am doped to the gills. I can't imagine that selling drugs would be less stressful than this, but at least you have the upper hand on customers these days because of the prices and the rain or shine demand. In the restaurant business, you have to hustle like crazy for minor profit that gets taxed internally by the illegal kitchen staff payout and externally by the government.

I just don't get this whole planet sometimes. I was raised to be a total liar and thief, so when I get a job where that's not the mode of operation, I am suddenly an actor. Even when no one is looking, I am being honest and working hard. Then, I discover that even in these menial jobs, it doesn't pay to be an honest or good person. The fake me gets walked all over by management. And it bothers me, because I've turned the pitbull off so that I'm easy to get along with. I need the job, but it's so hard to keep my instincts under control.

Which, I guess, is why I will never be sober at work ever again.

I'm facing prison. Possibly a long time.

The whole thing's a clusterfuck of a misunderstanding, but regardless, I can't afford proper representation.

The Public Defender strikes me as one with a double digit IQ and a triple digit income, he's no help.

I send him long, concise, well thought out questions which he ignores.

I'm being charged with aggravated harassment in New York state. I wrote some cryptic, vague and poetic words to a cunt that fucked me over. She took it as a threat. I should have cut my losses. I should have known better. Oh well.

He wants to know if I want a jury trial. He's a wimp full of fear. If anything this is a freedom of speech issue. If there was no intent to cause alarm, and there certainly wasn't, they shouldn't be allowed to take hearsay and conjecture and threaten my fucking freedom. It's an outrage, but I"m not surprised. This rotten planet profits from the pain, suffering, misery, and bondage of its human inhabitants.


Some get rich, others eat shit and die.




He Who Goes to Law Takes a Wolf by the Ears

Here's the charge:

Section 240.30 Aggravated harassment in the second degree.

A person is guilty of aggravated harassment in the second degree when, with intent to harass, annoy, threaten or alarm another person, he or she:

1. Either (a) communicates with a person, anonymously or otherwise by telephone, or by telegraph, mail or any other form of written communication, in a manner likely to cause annoyance or alarm; or (b) causes a communication to be initiated by mechanical or electronic means or otherwise, with a person, anonymously or otherwise, by telephone, or by telegraph, mail or any other form of written communication, in a manner likely to cause annoyance or alarm; or

2. Makes a telephone call, whether or not a conversation ensues, with no purpose of legitimate communication; or

3. Strikes, shoves, kicks, or otherwise subjects another person to physical contact, or attempts or threatens to do the same because of a belief or perception regarding such person's race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, religion, religious practice, age, disability or sexual orientation, regardless of whether the belief or perception is correct; or

4. Commits the crime of harassment in the first degree and has previously been convicted of the crime of harassment in the first degree as defined by section 240.25 of this article within the preceding ten years.

Aggravated harassment in the second degree is a class A misdemeanor.

Click to expand...

Have you ever such vague nonsense in your life?

Regardless. They're profiting from my slip-up and have good reason to.

There are approximately 2 million inmates in state, federal and private prisons throughout the country. According to California Prison Focus, "no other society in human history has imprisoned so many of its own citizens." The figures show that the United States has locked up more people than any other country: a half million more than China, which has a population five times greater than the U.S. Statistics reveal that the United States holds 25% of the world's prison population, but only 5% of the world's people. From less than 300,000 inmates in 1972, the jail population grew to 2 million by the year 2000. In 1990 it was one million. Ten years ago there were only five private prisons in the country, with a population of 2,000 inmates; now, there are 100, with 62,000 inmates. It is expected that by the coming decade, the number will hit 360,000, according to reports.

What has happened over the last 10 years? Why are there so many prisoners?

"The private contracting of prisoners for work fosters incentives to lock people up. Prisons depend on this income. Corporate stockholders who make money off prisoners' work lobby for longer sentences, in order to expand their workforce. The system feeds itself," says a study by the Progressive Labor Party, which accuses the prison industry of being "an imitation of Nazi Germany with respect to forced slave labor and concentration camps."

Click to expand...

I'm a very pessimistic man, and have come to accept that the worst case scenario isn't a mere possibility but a likelihood.

I feel stronger than I've ever felt in my life. Maybe it's a Martyr complex. I don't know. Maybe it's the sobriety, the fasting, the introspective thought that's gone into realizing just how shit the planet is and how slothful I've been in my activism.

I just wish I had the money to fight these assholes properly and "beat them to death with their own rules," as a wiser man than me has once said.

Art is long and life is short and success is very far off.

One day I'll have the money to make these cocksucker pay for what they've done. But for now I can only be true to myself and to those that treat me decently.

That's todays word. Decency. When was the last time you've seen it? It's certainly no longer a commonplace staple in today's god-fearing, down-trodden, valueless culturally bankrupt nightmare.

I'll have to look for it when my worries are gone.

P.S.

Thanks for listening. I really do love and respect my freinds here, far more than I've respected anyone I've ever met in the "real world." This planets full of nitwits and assholes. Bluelight hase over 100,000 members. That's what, .02 percent of the world population. You'd think I'd feel more alone, but I don't. I'm glad I have that .02 percent. It's all that keeps me hanging on and fighting this evil shit I deal with everyday.

I don't know why I'm posting this here, I suppose I'm just lonely. I know it's suited for more of a blog post, but I still would like anyones response, advice, wisdom, camaraderie, or whatever may be offered. Selah.

All individuals have dreamed of a heal for the common cold. Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have revealed a possible “Superdrug” that might heal any virus under the sun. The drug is long way from human trials but has been successful in killing viruses in mice by attacking genetic materials in viruses.

Source of article:MIT cre-ates Superdrug that could be in the position to get rid of all viruses

Genetic code of viruses targeted by drug

Time reports that the journal PLoS One published an article from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology that has incredible findings. The common cold might now be killed by this superbug called DRACO. It also can kill viruses including hemorrhagic, fevers, polio, and all the strains of influenza. The narcotic targets the genetic information that viruses use to replicate. Ribonucleic acid is what DRACO, or Double-stranded RNA Activated Capsase Oligomerizer, attacks according to MIT news.

Good way to treat illness

When healthy cells become unhealthy and infected they create a double-stranded RNA and then the virus replicates throughout the body. Eventually the infected cells die. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology research started because there are so many drugs out there that target infections, however none that can effectively target viruses. There are medications out there that target specific viruses but none that target a wide spectrum of viral diseases period. One component of DRACO latches onto the double-stranded RNA, or dsRNA, that virus-infected cells produce. The other component initiates a process called apoptosis, or cellular self-destruction. The human body’s natural defenses are triggered by DRACO to discover and destroy the invading cells. However, according to United States News and World Report, DRACO does not destroy any cells in its path, it targets viral dsRNA alone, leaving healthy cells unharmed.

The mouse cure

The study looked at the effects of DRACO in various mammalian cells, including human and mouse, and found the drug was effective in healing 15 different viruses. However, according to United States News and World Report, DRACO is not going to be accessible for some time. The researchers estimate it will be a decade before animal and human trials could have concluded and DRACO will be available for human use.

Citations

Time

MIT News

U.S. News and World Report

CNET

Wikipedia on RNA

Centers for Disease Control

Last night @ no desernable time or place I ingested crystal MDMA. For days before I have been doing nothing but popping a percocet (10mg) and smoking weed constantly. Also in the mix for the first 2 days before I smoked black tar opium rolled up into fuse like strings in joints. They are called Oprah Winfrey's.

I began the dose at .05 as I had heard this to be particularly potent. Feeling the effects around 30 minutes in I desided to wait another half hour and dose some more. As time passed and the slightly increasing up began to level off I ate some more. :D

At about 3 hours in I had ingested .12 grm and was quite lovely and humming and with the combined ingestion of all the previous cannabis and opiates disturbing dementia and paranoia ensued.

Went to bed early eager to try .2+ durring the day when I am not so exasperated.8(8(

ok so I got caught 4th of july in canoe with two joints and to keep it brief landed on probation which I got put on last tues the 9th i had to see my po for the first time today. I wasnt expecting a drug screen but I got one needless to say I failed it. She is sending it to a lab to see what the levels where I told her I was going to fail it when she gave it to me. Anyway I have to go back on the 31 thats two wks from today and I need to be able to piss clean all bullshit aside anyone know what I can do to make sure im clean????????????

it seems every time i move, i am all gung-ho about changing all my bad habits. in fact, i prolly wrote a very similar blog entry 3 years ago when i moved the first time.

this time i am trying baby steps, altho i decided to hire a personal trainer. hopefully someone holding me accountable for making shitty choices and helping me figure out how to workout will be good. i hate thinking that people are watching me fumble around or mess up when i go to the gym. i really like that this place is private and i don't feel idiotic when i can't do an exercise.

granted, i have only gone 3 times but i am motivated enough that i have not had random beers just for the sake of having a beer. i am not sure i am an alcoholic, but i have one hell of a habit. i've been tracking calories and i eat about 700-800 calories a day. however i drink about 900-1000 calories. i suppose my low food intake is why i am not insanely fat from all my beer consumption.

when it comes to drinking, i just don't care. for the longest time it was an escape and a way to shut off my brain. now its just a way to pass time. but i am finding that if i don't start drinking, i still find things to do. but i am not going to get too excited, i've mentioned here how i stopped for awhile in seattle. but right now i am not feeling too depressed, so who knows?

work is going well. except the mother is super superstitious and willing to attribute her children's behavior to everything except the kids themselves. amazingly, i am managing to get to work at 6.30am and still be awake when i get home. i'm working longer, earlier hours yet i am getting more done in the evenings. its pretty nice.

He's working with the D.A. to get it dropped down to a violation with no jailtime/record. Large fine, but whatever.

IF the bastard doesn't accept this proposal, then a jury trial awaits.

Fuck it. I can't wait to get on the stand. I could talk my way out anything, especially considering how ridicluous this nonsense is and they will be sure to see a counter suit for emotional damages ad nausea-um. We'll see how it goes. Hearing set for Sep 12 unless they insist on the Misdemeanor then we're going to trial baby one month later.

Fucking swine.


Thanks for all the help and support. I love each and every one of you and just wanted to convey my utmost respect, love, and appreciation for not only the times you've taken to read through my gut-wrenching gibberish but also offer constructive advice, and a shoulder to lean on, so to speak. If the world consisted only of your ilk we wouldn't need these threads like these and we'd be off dancing somewhere.

Beating these fuckers to death with their own rules would be nice, but optimism isn't inherent in my current states.

Why is it that everyone thinks that every person has someone or some reason to be alive
Today I tried to kill my self 3 times cut my wrist my gf got rid of all my good razors oh yea im gay lol tried to hang myself ive gained more weight than i like and almost broke the hook in my closet and then a bag over my head holes all over smh I dont know anyone that has ever wanted to die so bad but just couldnt kill them selves I feel weak and stupid Now im sittin her bloody wrist bruised neck o and cut my hair fml Welp I just wanted to get that off my chest talk if you wanna I wouldnt mind having a real friend!!!

For once I am no way at fault for drama this time, I guess it came looking for me.

I added this woman July 1st because she was apart of the LGBT facebook community and she was looking for friends in Ontario who was also LGBT because she didn't have many friends who were. So I added her cause I didn't have many friends who were either. Thing is she never chatted to me ever, like beyond adding her (asking if i could), we never once chatted. So I thought we never would and I now knew alot of my friends who I thought were purely straight were not, they were gay or bi. So I really didn't need hollow facebook friends. So I deleted her.

Psycho bitch causes drama. Messages my girlfriend and send her her cell number and flirts with her. She denies it of course and my gf is getting miffed at her and shows me the message log of the convo.

I told her to just drop it, not into drama. Everything is quiet for over an hour and she comes back with "Oh and she's not my type and her was hitting on me"

I told her she's full of it, my gf isn't like that at all, zero chance of her even flirting. Told her I trust her completely. She laughed "lol" at me and said "Funny" and so I messaged her back and said "?" and she messaged back "Its funny you would trust her". I said "Well since you adore drama, goodbye".

Of course though my gf was miffed because she was originally on my friends list. Thought some things but I assured her it was just some psycho on facebook.

I am seriously considering stop using facebook except that I have family where thats the only way I have contact with them.

This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks facebook has been drama.

I am just so sick of drama and stupidity.


My gf and I are just fine of course but drama added in with being apart its hell.

Austin has been acting up 10 fold in the past 2 months (since summer started) and its been nothing but hell. Drama from him, drama from his dad constantly threatening him and me having to threaten HIM with the cops almost on a daily basis.

I am so done with all this stress and drama.

Fuck the world.

The Old Man and I realized quick that buying ur rc's from the corner store would be too expensive. I've seen the you tubes w/ people making their own "herbal smoke", however never took it too seriously, however the Old Man did and somehow talked me into going in w/ him to order online. Apperently I've been lucky as I am yet to be fu%^ed from a vendor. I do my research before buying as does the Old Man (thanks to this website mainly, so i thank all ligitimate posters.) Anyways, we ended up purchasing 3 g's of 2201. (vendor names will be witheld as i am not trying to sell anything.) Got the 2201 in a few days. Our medium didn't arrive as quickly. This leads us to grocery store parsley. (not too bad, smoked alright. Any fuckin ways... Here goes.

AM 2201- 2g over 1 1/2 zone of parsley

Fast acting
Pretty strong
Short duration 20-30 min max.

Back from vacation from the boot, I still have one gram left. Talked to Richard Cranium (D.H.) as he will be my rat, had him come over. Blowed his little rat brain. D.H. is used to smoking the plant and not the other. This time we used a pack of squares. This is a novel idea as it was just tabacco. It smelled, tasted, smoked and looked just like a cigerette. No one was the wiser. Ordered JWH-5c (yes, i know). RCS-8 and AM 1220. Here's the breakdown.

AM 1220- white

Kinda blah
not strong at all
not the way you would think when u think "high" so sayeth D.H.
easy to break. i.e. acetone, everclear w/out warming
Duration: Maybe an hour

JWH-5c- Bright white

Umm we'll say it was just like 210
easy to break, the cleanest looking one w/ crystals, however these crystals very well could be dextrose (sugar) used to step on my d.
however since JWH-5c is not correct, there is no telling what they might give you or me, so buyer beware.

RCS-8- almost yellow

difficult to smoke
difficult to break (everclear warmed for about 5-7 min. using the crack method with mason jar and pot of water) one would figure all this extra work should pay off. not so much. It did get my other rat, Annajew, off.
She reports it as mellow and semi smooth once she got it lit.
Duration: hour or so

All rc's ,beside fore mentioned parsley, were done using tabacco. (Kite, Top, ect.)

The only downside the rats have is the extremely quick tolerance build up to these rc's AM 2201 seems to be the most resistant to the tolerance level as this one proves to be the rat's fave.

Soon, a review on URB-597. I been reading some good things about this chem from people that aren't out to sell u shit and seem to have a good grasp of what is going on.

O well hope this helps someone like the post before helped me. War.

I've taken my tabacco to work and around the neighborhood. Never have to worry about pocket money. Shit sells itself. Good luck!

Letter 1A In a series; etal; To a Friend, Anonymous.
Preview
Long.
Time.







How's things. I've been mired in an improbable clusterfuck of calamaties and atrocities unthinkable. I've been licking my wounds for two solid months and the flies still stab at them like cougars toward the intestinal offerings of the morning meal.


Enough of that shit.


How are you?




I just went through a month long desvenlafaxine (metabolite I'm sure you're firmiliar with) withdrawal. Protracted withdrawals up to 1.5 months. Godawful shit. I'm planning a massive litigation soon, I want you in on the ground floor. I'm not looking for money, or apologies or any of that useless tripe and cannon fodder. I want those drugs scheduled. Schedule 3 at fucking least.


Doctors shouldn't be able to dole them out like party favors at a menagerie. Step right up. Win a crippling addiction. What the fuck has country come to.


I heard you went through something similar this is why I write. I'm now effexor free and it took a month and half of horrible withdrawals far worse than opiate or benzodizapines or even ghb or alcohol. It was unprecedented, and I'm shocked that the culture permits this type of rampant profiteering off the suffering of the willfully ignorant.


It's atrocious.




But I digress, Darwinism et al.


Hope your well. Bottom line is I'm fixed and stabilized on lyrica mirtazapine (memantine to prevent tolereance, read the ADD forum about that) and .5 clonazepam as needed. I'm doing alright for myself, and with a jury trial coming up in 3 months, a man needs to be at his prime. Confidence should seep murkily from every single pore, exonerating even the 'justice' and guilting him to no end for his foul impunity. We're talking the lowest of the low here, the wretched of the earth.


The scum also rises.


Ok for now. Send word. I'll drop a line next time I'm in Rape country, but hopefully I'll be going there and LEAVING (key word) there as a liberated person void of chains.


He who goes to Law takes a wolf by the ears. Get back.


I have a number if you want to talk in person. I've been getting back into serious conversation and would very much enjoy a call. It's a skype number on the computer, but I'm always around.


[pm for number]


Cheers. Send word, Mr. Danza.


Scott.
Posted by Scott La Rock at 9:31 PM 0 comments

Productive Mondays are always fun. Flat tires rarely are. I found my driver side front tire almost flat and thought my plans for being productive were poached. I drove to the gas station one block up and filled the tire, then I went to Big O. I was able to get it fixed for $10 because the valve stem was just loose.
I made my way to the dispensary and back before 12 o’clock. At 1 o’clock my mom had a doctor’s appointment so I took her to see one of her doctors. Out of there at 2 o'clock. We were. (Yodaspeak). My mom is much better than she was in May, when she was in the hospital. She’s doing well actually.
We had an early dinner/late lunch at Happy Gardens (my mom’s favorite Chinese food restaurant), then we went to the grocery store. Once we got home and got the groceries put away, I started working on my mom’s printer. Unable I was. To fix. (Yodaspeak). I determined the printer to be broken, which it certainly seems to be.
I went outside and washed my car in the driveway. The sun was setting when I started and it was dark out when I finished so I don’t know if I did a good job or not. I will check on it in the morning before
I go to Yoga class. (I need to be away from the parentals every now and again.)
A strange word. Is Yoga………

I struggle with anxiety and the only thing that I have found to work is benzos. What else can I do or take to help?

I did start a thread on this, was hoping to get moral support for my attempt to quit kratom. Apparently the forum proper is not the place for that, so will give it a go here as advised by mod. I am hoping for comments and moral support during my withdrawal, so hope I can pull in some feedback once I get going with the withdrawal process. I will make forum posts as and when I need advice or practical tips or to share something that worked - this blog will be my place to ramble, and vent, and scream But I hope to make it interesting too, kind of a story, I've always made sense of my life through stories... Anyway... At the moment I am planning ahead - this is my intro...

Chapter 1:

5-6 years ago I used to drink, and smoke. I gave up the smoking, and when I discovered kratom, the drink gradually phased out as I prefered the relaxed clarity that kratom gave me, not to mention the ability to get lots done in the stimulation phase.

Eventually I got fed up with the kratom, and quit that, too, and had a life free of drugs for a while. It was fantastic. Then some personal tragedies and difficult events happened, a supply of Oxycontin became available to me, and I thought what the hell, I need something to get through this, right? Wind forward a year and I was stuck with a 350mg a day Oxy habit, and had gone back on the kratom as well to help in between the occasional shortage of the hard stuff.

I Ct'd from Oxy and Kratom, did therapy, sorted myself out and totally turned my life around, I was running a lot, that was my new DOC I guess, but a healthy one. Then I got a trapped nerve in my back, it was agony... Having severed my oxy contacts long ago, I resorted to combining kratom and OTC codeine - at first for the pain, but then I enjoyed the buzz too. Then I bust my knee running, and suddenly there it was, a gap for the addiction to rush back in.

So for the last year I've seesawed between kratom and OTC codeine (prescription codeine when I can get it). I've tapered off the kratom several times, using the codeine, and maintained on codeine, and vice versa - but a lot of the time just combined them. Lately I've been off codeine for a month, just using kratom... I've CT'd a few times of kratom and then relapsed, because I couldn't get throught he freakin depression part of withdrawal with the responsibilities I currently have...

But when I say using kratom, believe me, I am talking a massive kratom habit. I quit the crap this Christmas just gone, as I was doing 50-100g a day plain leaf, and it was costing me a fortune - had about 2 weeks clean, then relapsed with some headshop extract while I awaited a new batch. My online vendor had some specials by the Kilo of kratom, I had cash, I thought, why not take advantage - I could just use responsibly, couldn't I?! Wrong. The first kilo was gone in ten days - so basically I was using 100g of plain leaf Indo a day - I chugged it to wake up, I chugged it to keep me going in the day, I chugged it to relax me at night. Every single day - because always I was reminded of the shitty RLS that comes on when I haven't dosed for 8 hours. And that's where I've been since January, using a hell of a lot of kratom... and having to use it because if I try to get past 2 in the afternoon my body starts trying to jump out of its own skin

I've tried to CT again but my motivation has been low, because with my present responsibilities, I know that even if I can get through the first 2-3 days I am going to have to be good to go by day 4, and the anxiety gets me every time. With Easter coming up I have managed to find a window of 10 days where I can more or less hole up and avoid social engagements and work pressures, and concentrate on getting off this shit.

Some will say it's only kratom, but it is a LOT of kratom - and having CT'd from an OXY habit I would say my kratom withdrawals have been comparable (though that could be a body memory from previous opiate withdrawals). I find tapering from kratom has worked, but my discipline is shot to pieces lately... too much stuff I've needed to do... The RLS/akathisia of kratom withdrawal is just the worst for me, followed by the depression which follows the acute phase. I think there is a huge psychological component in all this - because previously I had worked so hard to feel good, and so I just don't want to feel bad, even though I know some amount of suffering is the only way I can get off this now...

So, I have sourced some phenibut for the anxiety, and some kanna for the depression, and hope these will come in useful for my foray into yet another withdrawal. At least I have quit the combined codeine habit, maybe that will make things easier.

I got my last package of kratom through the mail today (another thing I am fed up with is that sense of dread if a package doesn't come, or if my vendor suddenly runs out of stock, etc...). I have about half a kilo of kratom, which I am going to do a short taper with into next week, and try to reduce the spikes in my system as much as possible. I have then set next Thursday as the last day of Kratom use. And then the adventure will truly begin.

I hope to use this thread to report on how it's going, and to keep me motivated. I do have a lot of inner motivation, but it surely may help if I get some support on here, as it would be embarrassing to come back and admit failure - typing accounts of the withdrawal process may also help me distract myself, and remind me of how shitty it is, if I start getting thoughts of occasional use again.

I cannot use opiates/kratom responsibly.

Apologies for a long opening post, and good wishes to anyone planning to quit any DOC, whatever it may be.

So, anybody out there reading?

I haven't slept in 3 days and I just took another 275mgs. I keep seeing shadows moving around me, think I see my dog run through the house, I swear I heard the front door open but I was sitting right next to it. Fuckin crazy.

I'm laying in the bedroom with the lights off smoking a cigarette. I need to find something to do.

And i keep typing to the rhythm of the techno song Henry Rollins did in his standup.

I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow. The people who I work with are all like best friends and they totally ignore me...and I'm usually okay with that. Tomorrow we're being forced to do a bunch of team building stuff, like trust catches and shit, and I'm convinced that no one is going to catch me. Also, I'm terrified about engaging in conversation with my co-workers. I totally tried that once - it was just like me rambling for a few minutes about how much George Lucas sucks and then eventually stuttering something about my aversion to coffee while a few of my coworkers stared at me blankly. Man. How great it would be to have friends at work.

My tank is on empty. Empty.

I am just physically incapable of having an honest job. I try - oh my god do I try. But falling while other people are rising is just too much for me. I've seen too many awesome things to be just barely fighting for survival. I keep telling myself that I'm about to start getting scrappy, but when? When will I turn into a pitbull again? Maybe if I wait tables and pretend that I'm grateful for life for the next what, 2 - maybe 5 - maybe 15 years? Knowing the whole time that I'm full-time suppressing that greedy instinct, putting on a show for everyone just so they will feed me - like an adopted, abused dog?

This is not me. I am a bank-rapist, a money shifter, and a derivatives trader. These things will never change. I can do other things, but I've already had a taste. The question is: when will I rampage again? I lead a pathetic existence right now. a lot of people think life is beautiful, but I don't. I think indulgence is beautiful. I will commit suicide before I find myself really just "chilling" and being like everyone else. I can't "chill." That cool stuff doesn't work for me, and my patience was as thin as it gets two years ago. Something's got to happen, even if I have to force it. A little more than 5 months before I turn 28. If I'm still fighting for table scraps at that time, then this material will have to be archived somewhere because I'll be as gone as it gets.

Saturday, 13 Aug

Sierra Nevada

Great sunset. Lots of clouds to give it color. The blazing reds and oranges contrasted against the intense blue sky. A little later, the elk were bellowing in the woods in teh hills, and now the coyotes are making a lot of noise as twilight turns to night. One coyote is really close. It sounds almost like it's laughing.

The Sierra Nevada is a mountain range in the western United states. The northern end is a little north of Lake Tahoe in California, and it runs 400 miles south, gradually gaining elevation, passing spectacular regions such as the Lake Tahoe region, Yosemite, Sierra Crest, Kings Canyon, and Sequoai national park. It ends just beyond Mt. Whitney, the highest point in the continental United States with an elevation of 14496 feet. The range is about 70 miles wide.

The Pacific Crest trail (PCT) is a long range hiking trail (about 2600 miles in length) that stretches fromthe mexican border to the canadian border. It passes through the length of the Sierra Nevada. The route is mostly through national forest and protected wilderness areas. 100s of people hike the length of it every summer.

My girlfriend and I went into town for supplies yesterday. Somebody in town mentioned to me that they were driving down to San Francisco in a few days. I knew that at some point, their route would take them across the PCT. The PCT is a hike I have wanted to do since I first heard of it, and I would be happy to hike even a segment of it. I mentioned this and asked for a ride. They generously agreed to driv e me and my pack and let me off at a PCT trail head just off Interstate 80 where it crosses the Sierra Neveda, specifically at Donner Pass near Truckee, California.

So, I have spent the rest of the day yesterday and this afternoon preparing for the trip. I plan to hike from Donner Pass (Soda Springs) down 500 or so miles of trail, summit Mt. Whitney, and hike down 20 miles to Lone Pine, CA. At Lone Pine, I will hitch a ride or take a bus back home. With a pace of 20 miles per day, it should take me 3 or 4 weeks, and I will have hiked nearly the entire length of the Sierra. If I were to run much of it (like some ultra maraton people do) I complete the trip much more quickly of course, but that speed is too fast for me to enjoy the scenery. I have plenty of time and want to absorb the sights.

So, I have finished packing and repairing my equipment. Including 3 weeks of food and 1 gal of water, my pack weighs around 70 pounds. Not horribly heavy for a month long trip and my modest pace. But I did pack some odd things like a camp stove (because of fire restrictions in some areas), infrared goggles (for hike up Half Dome I plan to do at night to avoid the notorious crowds of slow, out-of-shape people clogging the cables), fishing gear, a couple of books, a journal, a sketch book, etc. And I'm not bringing some heavy things. No tent, no camp shovel, no hatchet, no change of clothes or underpants, etc.

Also while in town, I was excited to find some poppy pods while walking. They are dry by this late in the year. Black resin has dried a few inches down the stem. They were near an abandoned building that must have been some kind of “general store” that looks to have been built more than 100 years ago. This place practically a ghost town. It has negative population growth, claims a pop of over 1000, but that is hard to believe so many live here. Anyway, I going to make tea with them. Hopefully they are still good.

My ride leaves early Monday, so I'm not sure how long before I will have access to a computer again.

ihave recently learned that you can inject heroin and methamphetamines together and it is the most amazing feeling. it lasts for a vry long time and it is incredible .the only rough part is that the meth lasts way longer than the heroin so the comedown is still a bitch. or is it. i have found the miracle cure for that as well.BENZODIAZEPINES!!!!!!! preferably klonopin because they last damn near 24 hours. i have recently taken all three and i feel amazing. i can not put it into words and ive only recently started using meth from time to time. i have always despised it because it has turned many of my friends into animals. i am now an officially changed man. i encourage all of you to go out , buy a twenty bag of some good black tar heroin, a twenty bag of some good crystal meth and ten 1 milligram klonopin. you will feel absolutely amazing and you will not have the horrible crash that comes with it. im going to go do another hit right now. you should too. peace

CON'T FROM HERE

The conspiracy is so painfully obvious that one has to be blind, willingly or not, to miss it. Its fingers are in our sources of sustenance, poisoning us physically where these elements nourished us for millions of years. Our culture is manufactured and designed with intent, a strong intent on manipulating the deepest and most susceptible drives to predict all behavior and direct all mass traffic. Our moral compass is bent and skewed to create a deep personal and connected drive to kill and allow killing to take place, where we once existed purely to propagate life.

To quote the great Marcus Aurelius, "instruct or endure." To quote the great Sun Tzu, "to know one's self fully, and to know one's enemy fully, is to achieve complete victory." The Universe has cracked open my brain and showed my own soul to me more times than I am comfortable with (which is the beauty of it, comfort is a terrible thing to be enslaved to!). It came time for me to know my assailants as well. So I found my opening, and went deep into the bowels of the beast.

Enough figurative speech. I still cant fucking believe I was exposed to everything I believed was inside this corporate body. All of the fascist undertones engineered by Hitler, Eichmann, Himmler, and the whole lot were there every present. Corporate ideology and fascism go perfectly hand in hand. Its well on the record, the fascist tendencies which crept into the American lifestyle in the 30s, 40s, and 50s, but was quickly alerted to the masses by the greatest and most active anarchists, democratists, socialists, and other activists of the times, by means of art, writing, protest, and the general decry of awareness. So this movement was recognized, and pushed underground around this time. Since then, it has spent the 60s, 70s, and 80s in much experiment. Billions of dollars have been backing the last century's use of the general population as a mind control experiment (ever seen Century of the Self?). From MK-ULTRA to corporate focus groups, the American people have been used to reverse-engineer the human psyche to find out how best to manipulate a mass of people. All of this is quite factual, and quite right out in the public sector, no clandestine operations here. In fact, were taught its devices in our universities and college classrooms! We use such labels as "marketing" and such values are instilled as "profits" and such words are made completely mutilated as "ethics." We create armies of willing slaves, vast herds of human resources who willingly surrender their cognitive freedom, spiritual connection, and physical energy in exchange for a grand idea of emptiness, of pretentious outward appearance with no gift inside the well crafted packaging. This psychological trend expresses itself in every facet of the corporate world, from the design of the worker's uniforms regarded as "suits" (which are designed to create the subliminal notion of optimal physical shape and health, while concealing a horribly unhealthy state), to the collective notion of "just doing one's job" (have you ever recalled hearing soldiers convicted of warcrimes decrying they were "just following orders?").

This is more than a lens one chooses to see modern culture with. These things are actively schemed, planned, and executed by the very sort of entities I just finished "working" for. I saw first hand how culture is designed, manufactured, and passed on to the unsuspecting masses. The actors, engineers, and analysts all play their roles well, with no attempt to obfuscate their agenda. This machine I worked for manufactures nearly half of the channels on cable television, the greatest mind controlling device in the history of the world. They also produce more than one-third of the "blockbuster" type motion pictures Americans are all encouraged to expose themselves to as much as possible (while simultaneously surrendering their only machine-given asset, "cash" in order to obtain poisonous and fake sources of nutrition which contain ingredients which encourage impulsive consumption, do you not see the connection?). They decide how men should behave and think, and how women should behave and think, how the youth should engage in sexual activity and assimilate into their appropriate cultural subgroupings, how people of one race should walk and talk, and how people of another race should interact and behave. They decide how events and elements of the world external to their creation should be percieved. They ultimately decide a narrow, fake, empty, and horribly distorted consensus on reality for the general masses, and seek to permeate this infection in any manner possible. They even decide what should be rejected, what people should actively regard as unwanted or undesirable, and spend billions of dollars on implements which they purposely predict will be discarded as trash, white noise, or unpopular. This allows for a total control over perception, even over those who believe they reject everything the machine creates! Give Chomsky and Herman's Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media a deep read sometime to describe this all much better. I can assure you, the media machine exists for such purposes, as I have been as close to its most fundamental manufacturing processes as an outsider can be.

And to think, me! I crawled out of the woods unaware of the cancerous nature of urban life out of mere curiosity with a few dollars in my pocket and a couch to sleep on. I went from surviving off of dirt in this city, to earning an annual high enough for me to bemoan the amount I must surrender to my masters at the IRS every April. I am quite confident in my ability to wear my innocent-engineer-nerd-guy disguise well, few know the Shadow Tiger which lurks underneath. The theories Chomsky lays out on how the Manufacture of Consent works all apply to the entertainment industry, if not, more-so than the News Media. I have experienced this first hand, and I assure you, you are every day of your life beckoned to enslavement by this machine.

So, like most of my mad experiments, Im glad to have suffered total agony in having to have the filth of this horrible mind control device known as cable television and entertainment media to know that it is, indeed, a fierce weapon being unleashed on the unsuspecting minds of all Americans (and the whole of the world, for that matter). This madness is what allows such violence to permeate our globe. It is why we sit back and jack off while our own "state" slaughters tens of thousands of innocent civilians, for the purpose of creating a perpetual theater of war. We sit back and allow a world to build itself up to a state of total self annihilation because we're completely occupied by the machinations of this propaganda device. I bid you adieu, find yourself an engineer that can willingly work better than I did, even while regretting it every keystroke of the way.

Hey guy been on subutex for 4 years alway snorted then up untill nw they change the ingrediants in sum brands i take 2mg reckitt benckisert brand purple and white box with ingrediantr of monohydrated lactose mannitol maize starch povidonea excipient k30 citric acid sodium citrate and magneshum stearate as i remember with old brands the ingrediants were jst mannitol aand lactose monohydrate which were no problem snorting but with all these new ingrediants in the new brands i warey of snorting these i be gratefull for all advice if u have snorted the new brand and still catch that same buzz thanks

That's how long it will be until she's home again, and this time for good.
She's moving out here and is looking for a place atm.
Can't wait till she's back, MSN just doesn't always do it.

Anyone have a time machine? Harry Potter? Someone flip the clock ahead at least 16 days ok? tyvm. lol.

Feeling lonely tonight again. Sucks balls.