Haha I so wish I could write about this stuff on Facebook. But I'm not really a fan of admitting to the general public (i.e. my family) about my drug usage.
Anyway. Today, I realized that I really do love my family. Which seems like a no-brainer, but you don't know the way my family has been for a long time now. No one is close to each other anymore, there is always a ton of tension in the air - really, you could cut it with a knife, no one has any privacy, my parents don't even sleep in the same room, my mom is the ultimate control-freak, we all snap at each other over over everything, and my parents treat me the same. exact. way. as they did when I was 16. After getting out of the military and having lived on my own, coming back, at the same time my brother got out of jail, it's gotten to the point where just being in the same room with any member of my family feels suffocating.
Also, I would just like to take a moment to announce that Coconut Snackers, the ones in those $.99 red candy bags where it's like 2 for $1 or whatever... are way too sweet. But at the same time, the coconut is way too good. I need to put it in ice cream or something, it will be better that way.
But anyway. Despite the fact that being around my family is always really tense and pushes my anxiety and irritation levels to the limit, I do love them. Like, really love them. Which I think we all kind of forget a lot of the time. I mean, my mom says it every once in a while on the phone, but it always seems fake and it feels kind of fake when I say it back as well. But, dude. Life is short. My dad is nearing retirement and is getting old in age, and has a few problems, so I mean... you never know. And if he died tomorrow, or any of my family did, I would have a lot of regrets. We all need to treat each other better. I'm glad I brought it up to my therapist last week.
In my sessions so far, I've only been talking about one thing so far, my experience in the military. (By the way, I've never written the full story on these blogs - just bits and pieces. I will definitely write the full story sometime, though. The message and truth about what actually goes on absolutely needs to be put across, and I've been determined to find ways I can make a difference through my own experiences) Now I feel comfortable with most of it, enough to speak openly and very candidly about it. However, it's been four years. And there are still quite a few demons lurking behind that door. They still haunt me, and it carries over into my every day life - it affects much of my behavior and feelings in a negative way. It's hindering not only my mental growth, but my progression in life as well. It has me caught in a standstill - frozen in time between the past and the present. We have been focusing on learning how to let things go, allowing the grieving process to occur, and giving myself closure. We've talked about the guy I mention in my blogs a few times too, mostly just how to recognize the decisions that are the best ones for my own well-being, instead of others.
But those are all kind of self-centered. Not that I think that's a bad thing - that is the point of therapy after all. But I feel like my priorities have changed, and that maybe now it's a lot more important to focus on fixing things with my family first. I don't want to have any regrets later on in life.
Another thing I realized? I'm a control freak. That's where half my problems stem from, I'm sure - the fact that I have to feel in control of absolutely every situation, or I don't feel comfortable with it. It even boils down to my pill popping... that I need to be in control of my feelings and feel secure at all times, and I ensure this happens by taking pills. That's another thing I definitely want to focus on.
I finished the rest of those coconut stacks as I wrote this. I'm going to be wired lol oh well
Anyway. Today, I realized that I really do love my family. Which seems like a no-brainer, but you don't know the way my family has been for a long time now. No one is close to each other anymore, there is always a ton of tension in the air - really, you could cut it with a knife, no one has any privacy, my parents don't even sleep in the same room, my mom is the ultimate control-freak, we all snap at each other over over everything, and my parents treat me the same. exact. way. as they did when I was 16. After getting out of the military and having lived on my own, coming back, at the same time my brother got out of jail, it's gotten to the point where just being in the same room with any member of my family feels suffocating.
Also, I would just like to take a moment to announce that Coconut Snackers, the ones in those $.99 red candy bags where it's like 2 for $1 or whatever... are way too sweet. But at the same time, the coconut is way too good. I need to put it in ice cream or something, it will be better that way.
But anyway. Despite the fact that being around my family is always really tense and pushes my anxiety and irritation levels to the limit, I do love them. Like, really love them. Which I think we all kind of forget a lot of the time. I mean, my mom says it every once in a while on the phone, but it always seems fake and it feels kind of fake when I say it back as well. But, dude. Life is short. My dad is nearing retirement and is getting old in age, and has a few problems, so I mean... you never know. And if he died tomorrow, or any of my family did, I would have a lot of regrets. We all need to treat each other better. I'm glad I brought it up to my therapist last week.
In my sessions so far, I've only been talking about one thing so far, my experience in the military. (By the way, I've never written the full story on these blogs - just bits and pieces. I will definitely write the full story sometime, though. The message and truth about what actually goes on absolutely needs to be put across, and I've been determined to find ways I can make a difference through my own experiences) Now I feel comfortable with most of it, enough to speak openly and very candidly about it. However, it's been four years. And there are still quite a few demons lurking behind that door. They still haunt me, and it carries over into my every day life - it affects much of my behavior and feelings in a negative way. It's hindering not only my mental growth, but my progression in life as well. It has me caught in a standstill - frozen in time between the past and the present. We have been focusing on learning how to let things go, allowing the grieving process to occur, and giving myself closure. We've talked about the guy I mention in my blogs a few times too, mostly just how to recognize the decisions that are the best ones for my own well-being, instead of others.
But those are all kind of self-centered. Not that I think that's a bad thing - that is the point of therapy after all. But I feel like my priorities have changed, and that maybe now it's a lot more important to focus on fixing things with my family first. I don't want to have any regrets later on in life.
Another thing I realized? I'm a control freak. That's where half my problems stem from, I'm sure - the fact that I have to feel in control of absolutely every situation, or I don't feel comfortable with it. It even boils down to my pill popping... that I need to be in control of my feelings and feel secure at all times, and I ensure this happens by taking pills. That's another thing I definitely want to focus on.
I finished the rest of those coconut stacks as I wrote this. I'm going to be wired lol oh well