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Been really long since i wrote one of these but hey why not. I have had a hell of a time so far going back to school and stuff also been doing hella dope to smoothen any kinks. I seem to have become more resilient and keep my head up even with all the disappointment strange as it sounds the drugs are my crutch better than any antidepressant i ever had but only for a short period. I am currently off for a significant period coping. Drank some beers on friday feels good man after two years of nothing but dope. I really love that i have kept off benzos, they are the worst thing ever like retardation only ten times worse. WALL OF TEXT haha feels good to be alive and in retrospect its the little subtleties that count. Love ya'll blers. strange as it sounds the drugs are my crutch better than any antidepressant i ever had but only for a short period. I am currently off for a significant period coping. Drank some beers on friday feels good man after two years of nothing but dope. I really love that i have kept off benzos, they are the worst thing ever like retardation only ten times worse. WALL OF TEXT haha feels good to be alive and in retrospect its the little subtleties that count. Love ya'll blers.

could u feel viodin on 70 mgs of methadone, even if I took 10 vics lol or should I wait until I come down more and more off the done. could somebody help me out?

i've taken methadone within the last couple hours because i didnt think i would be able to get any pills but my guy came though if i shoot up will it be a waste?

It may just be my epitaph...

Sitting here after eating 100mg of Tramadol, because I don't have any money to get real drugs. I can't even afford dirt weed. I have a job interview on Thursday so hopefully that will go well.

I hate this endless cycle of on-off-on-off but it's mainly a money issue. Well, it's definitely a money issue. Possibly a source issue but I haven't looked into that yet and anyway it would piss me off if I had money but no source. Fuck.

I'm only half watching A Clockwork Orange and listening to my girlfriend and dogs sleep. I have class tomorrow but probably won't sleep until much later. I miss smoking every day but breathing easily is also nice.

My blistered tongue is going away. Almost gone. The only remnants from my oxymorphone. Fucking suboxone as well. It quiets the beast and I guess that's all I can really ask for. I need a legit script for it but it's another rabbit hole I don't want to travel down. Short acting opiates. Sucky but tolerable withdrawals.

Whatever.

Hello everyone, my name is Abi, and have done the following:
Smoked ALOT of weed,
taken MDMA (Molly) twice. The first time i took one pill, the second i took a triple, both were amazing and unforgettable experiences.
I am not a virgin.
I would like to try:
Acid
or any kind of hallucinogen, and maybe another form of MDMA besides Molly, (any suggestions?)

I am 135ish lbs but im loosing weight because i got to the gym and am trying to eat healthy! (any suggestions?)
I have short hair that is brunette but i dye it red most of the time
My raver animal is a fox
My raver name is Abi Doobie
I like raves, concerts, and kickbacks, i do not like parties (because there is always drama/puking/and.more.drama)
If you would like to get to know me better please ask as many questions as youd like

...

Yesterday I had a reality check. I was smoking with my friend. We are both in a similar position. Broke, live with parents, live in small and sucky town, depressed. My friend was talking about how his dad goes around telling everyone that his son is a drug addict and won't do anything with his life. Being in a small town, that is poisonous and is hurting his rep and ability to find work. My family does similar stuff, but not as bad.

We are stuck in a rut and cannot move forward. We can't get out of this rut and seem permanently stuck here.

I got probation fees coming up and will be locked up if I don't pay them. For sure.

Well my friend gave me a proposition. He said he has gotten away with it before. He wants to knock over a liquor store. It was such a buzz kill because it just brought to reality the extreme shittiness of my situation. I really don't want to do this and told him I didn't want to. All he wants me to do is lookout and he will split the money down the middle.

I really didn't want to, but now I am second guessing myself. It is getting to the point where I either live the life that society wants me to live (a criminal) or go to jail because I cant afford my fees.

Fuck

Alcohol is a vicious poison designed to pacify and neutralize the proletariat working class. Deny us access to gabaergics and deny us health insurance, you rotten filthy little animals. Fuck you. Prohibition is like putting out a grease fire with a bottle of shampoo, while paying a bunch of hired thugs to use the same bottle and move onto there next abomination. Took me 6 years of drinking to realize this. There are far superior drugs on the market, you just have to look around. See you through looking glass kids.



I'm going to go play in the sun and roll in the grass in the park, reading short stories by kurt vonnegut and ken kesey, drinking water like a madman to replace the oral fixation drinking and smoking cigarettes have caused me. I am now free of both those things. Wellbutrin SR seems to be complimenting my small dose of klonopin significantly.


I'm both happy, productive, and talkative, too talkative some would say. Fuck those some. I have a right to say whatever I goddamn well please.

A woman asked me if two large bags were hers yesterday, waiting in line for a simple haircut a friend was having. She had little broods of failure, which I believe is selfish and wrong, but what can you do.

A simple kind no was my reply, and then a moment later I made a silly little joke about homeland security. "Call them up I said." Unattended bags are dangerous. Don't you realize we're in goddamn war?

Utter flag-sucking nonsense and these nitwits eat it up via 24 hour "news" (balls, I know journalism and that ain't it. Those fuckers should be stripped of their cozy little place in society and thrown to the packs of WORKING POOR like most citizens in this country)like a Chinese buffet gone mad on strong indica strains. She wasn't please with my humor "Call homeland security" I said with a big smile on me face. She looked at me as though I'd told her to wash her cunt out with antifreeze and stick her head in the oven.

Fuck those people. I love and tolerate most everyone and despite my vicious prose that I write, I'm actually undeniably the most kind and courteous person you could run into on the street. I'm broke and 2 steps away from being completely homeless, in title. I've a job now so its different. 6 months I had no such endeavor, yet I saw a woman on the main street here in Lawrence with a sign that said she was homeless. I had 53 cents to my name, dropped it in her can, then talked to her for half an hour. It made me feel good, and I'm sure it made her feel good. Most people don't give a shit about things like that, they're too busy washing their Volvos, watering there stupid grass when theres a goddamn record breaking drought going on, and filling up they're fat pocket books/wallets with evil treacherous garbage. Fuck those people. That's all. See the cat? see the cradle? Ho ho.

I'm walking my dog (well, two), minding my own business. My dog starts whining/growling to go near a neighbor's dog. The neighbor is outside with numerous other people (a few adults and five to seven children under the age of eight). My small dog runs towards the children but I'm more concerned with keeping the big one by me.

Suddenly the neighbor starts screaming that I can't control that dog and I shouldn't be walking it, 'cause I can't fucking control it, and that it scared the shit out of him a week or so ago when my dog pulled me near his, blah blah blah. I shouted back "Sorry!" 'cause what more could I say as I'm trying to keep my big dog moving to get away from the commotion... He's all "Sorry? Sorry?! What the fuck, she's sorry? Sorry?" then continued to ramble about how stupid I am to walk both dogs, etc etc.

Why I let this belligerent asshole who swears in front of children bring me to tears I have no idea.

This post will probably vanish.

Serj Oxazepam: Alcohol is a vicious poison designed to pacify and neutralize the proletariet working class. Deny us access to gabaergics and deny us health insurance, you rotten filthy little animals. Fuck you. Prohibition is like putting out a grease fir...
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22 minutes ago · Like


Lost and Found: oh dry up would ya
18 minutes ago · Like · 1 person


Claire: sell a few of those tickets bra
13 minutes ago · Like


Serj Oxazepam: It's people like you that give dobermans bad names. All of that kangaroo dung has seeped into your brains, making you too giddy to function, which I admire in a person. Let me sleep with both of you, I have the antidote. I'm the DOCTOR.
9 minutes ago · Like


Lost and Found: there is only doctor, only ever was one, only ever has been, only ever will be. The Great Doctor can not be replaced.
7 minutes ago · Like

Serj Oxazepam: When the fuck are you two pulling an Eddie Murphy and "coming to america?" We have fine cocaine here and women. Everyones fat and lazy and preoccupied with "buying shit they don't need." We could get away with murder, as the saying goes. Of course we'd never do those things. We're innocent. We can do anything. Do you two shoot?
10 minutes ago · Like


Lost and Found: dont confuse fluent with influent, in which case you may feel that you are being influential. Rather, you are merely displaying a case of insolence to what is real. Pull your head out of your ass and open your eyes
The world really isnt that bad of a place......
9 minutes ago · Like


Lost and found: shoot hoops?
shoot dope?
shoot the shit?
shoot guns?
shoot politicians?
8 minutes ago · Like





Serj Oxazepam: Well you're just a natural fool. Guns of course guns. Not people, just open air. Good call on the references I've been reading him all night and watching interviews and reading unpublished stories of his. His prose is contageous, i'd better get back to "sometimes a great notion." Clear my head and let me write better. I need an IBM selectric typewriter in good condition, if anyone has one send word I've got money

yo!... tryin to get connected. i love the site. lookin to make some good friends and share ideas.

...sick and tired of being broke as a joke. there has to be something i can do, some kind of come up in my life. iim sick of the people around me and the authoritys hasselin me. there has to be something better in life then this. whats my come up....whats my calling.

by nofx

Fun things to fuck. fun things to fuck. fun things to fuck. fun things to fuck.
fuck the front door, fuck the back.
fuck the good girls with the knack.
fuck the government until they fuck you back.
fuck a muslim, fuck a jew.
fuck fans of blink 182.
that's illegal if you were born in '83. yeah, yeah, yeah.
fuck a bean cheese burrito. fuck a bowl of cookie dough.
fuck the space between the big and neighbor toe.
fuck a cop, fuck a marine.
fuck a jar of vaseline.
fuck a calzone with pepperoni
. fuck a midget, fuck a dwarf.
fuck chris cringle with an elf
. but before you fuck it all... go fuck yourself!

I have been dealing with this dude I met about a month ago. I would give him visa giftcards for crack-cocaine, and get about 50% of their worth in cash. I realized that I could steal the giftcards and he wouldn't know the difference, so I did. And I built up about 1800 in debt to him, and then continued giving him fake or cards with no money on them. I kept fucking this guy over and over, I knew it was going to catch up. Today I gave him about 3 fake cards. Tonight around 3 he texts me and asks if I can give him a ride, he says he will give me a g. Was sorta suspect, but I agree. I get over there, call him and say im pulling up and he answers "yeah" and then hangs up. Seems even more suspect.

I pull up to the apartment complex where we had met multiple times in the last few days, and he walks out. He gets in the car, I had food I was going to eat, so I ask him if hes hungry. He goes Yeah, hungry for some ass. Pulls out a 9mm on his lap, says "Give me my money." I try to play dumb, he then points the gun at my face. "You've been fucking me, give me my money. I will blow your fucking brains out right here." We go back and forth, me trying to play dumb and cover my ass and finally I convince him to put down the gun, and I get him 500 cash.

That was the story in a nutshell, but wow - that was the scariest moment of my life. Im a 20 year old dude, and could not stop crying for about an hour after that happened, it was awful.

The temptation is there, and the product is there.

What else am I going to do sitting by myself in an empty house surfing the web?

Well, I need to study for an exam thursday so I can get my truckers-license. That's a pretty big deal, especially failing twice before this time must be the last one.

So sobriety needs to be king, but the temptation is distracting me from what's important.

That is why I'm writing this now, to remind myself to be excellent to myself and focus on what ís important: giving myself the chance to change jobs.

The drugs will still be here, but I'll be a lot happier with a truckers-licence that's for sure.

just had an awesome rolling experience, cant wait for a next one, need more ideas for things to do

In my world, good days are when I feel like a normal person again who has an independent, fulfilling, motivating life, as I did for a long time until I was forced to move back into my parents' home after an ex beat himself up, and me, and told the cops I beat him up, so we both went to jail. I was in jail for 3 days, but it was when I was supposed to have moved from the apt I shared with my ex, and my parents moved all my stuff out and back into their house, and that was like the end of it for my freedom. I was, what, 30 at the time? And trust me, i tried like hell to get back out on my own but it didn't happen, then last year I went to real jail and then to the mental-health rehabs and that set me back, oh, over a decade.

But I've already talked about all that...

I had a pretty good day yesterday (still up) because I hung out with a guy friend I've known years who, yes, uses, but has a pretty normal life. We just goofed off all day. I had to be back home before my midnight curfew... even when I was in high school I never had a curfew... my mother thinks things like sex and drugs only happen at night.

So i felt like the "pre-2010" me for a day and it was great. I just wish I could be me all the time. I can't. I have to monitor what I do and say and post and write... at least when people know me. I have to pretend to be in recovery when I am using (and I haven't fucked up my life while using.... this time.... so people still think I've been in recovery this whole time.) I have to pretend to not miss my life when I had lovers or boyfriends or when I was dancing or modeling or rolling every other weekend and going to clubs and raves.

Well the truth is I totally miss the way my life was before it did get out of hand, and that was not actually due to drugs, it was cuz of a car accident and my own SOBER decisions. I miss being an ADULT. With a car, a place, a significant other living with me, a job of my choosing, privacy, the stuff a lot of people take for granted.

It's going to be VERY VERY hard for me to get that kind of life back.

Right now, i am praying for my SSI disability $ to start coming in, for my back injury. It's tied up in some accounting shit and I have no income except a few little things right now.

BAD days are when I am stuck at home with my mother nagging at me saying I am middle-aged and have no job prospects and no marriage prospects, tho I have a double major from a great university and i supported myself just fine for a long time. She seems to forget the past decade. BAD days are when my back injury kicks up and I don't have the former meds I used to have (and used to over-use and MISUSE but they WORKED dammit). BAD days are when I feel lonely as hell, as I've never had to feel before, and have no one to talk to about shit.

BAD days are waking up feeling: fat, ugly, old, unloved, anxious, and like a loser.

GOOD days are when I feel NORMAL. And I guess that's 3 or 4 times a month.

How tall are you barefoot? 5"8" I shrunk. I was recently measured and I had always been 5'9".....not anymore.
Have you ever smoked heroin? no
Do you own a gun? nope
Rehab? nope
Do you get nervous before making phone calls? Depends on what kind of call it is.
What do you think of your friends?They're cool.
What's your favorite Christmas song? Silent Night
What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee and water.
Do you do push-ups? No.
Have you ever done ecstasy? Yeah.
Are you vegetarian? Nope.
Do you like painkillers? Yeah, for pain.
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Don't have one......though I could use one if you want to share
What time did you wake up today? 9 or something.
Current worry? money
Current hate? I don't hate much.....maybe politics.
Do you own slippers?Not right now.
Do you burn or tan? usually burn
What songs do you sing in the shower? depends on the mood
How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
Do you wish on stars? hmmmm not recently
What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
What song do you want played at your funeral? This swedish song called ostra something by Kronos Quartet if I have a funueral. I may not.
Do you love someone? Sure. I love a few people.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? yeah, once.
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? can't remember the last time I was on a roller coaster. That's sad.
3. When's the last time you've been sledding? Not sure.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? Depends. I like alone......mostly.
5. Do you believe in ghosts? Yep
6. Do you consider yourself creative? I wish I was.
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? Psh, yeah.
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? For what? Looks? Acting ability? General liking of? Jolie can't act but she's hot. Aniston is the better actress.
9. Do you stay friends with your ex's? One.
10. Do you know how to play poker? Nope.
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? yes.
12. What's your favorite commercial? Don't like commercials.
13. What are you allergic to? Not really much that I can think of.
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? no, i am pretty law abiding
15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco? Yes
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? n/a
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Yes.
18. How often do you remember your dreams? 1/4 of the time.
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? Oh, I don't know, a few days ago?
20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Yep.
21. What's the one thing on your mind now? Love at first sight.
22. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah, I do.
23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?No. I rarely put salt on my food.
24. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes.
25. What cell service do you use? You can guess.
26. Do you like sushi? Yes
27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? yeah
28. What do you wear to bed? pajama pants and tshirt
29. Been caught stealing? Once, when I was a bad kid.
30. Do you pee in the pool? Do I? No. Have I? Yes.
31. Do you truly hate anyone? No- dislike, yeah- hate, no.
32. Bluegrass or Rap? Bluegrass
33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? ONE? Maybe......Kristen Stewart or Alexander Skarsgard
34. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole? any milk
35. What food do you find disgusting? Hmmmmm I love food but maybe chicken livers as it is one thing I'm very leery of trying.
36. Windows or Macintosh? both.
37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"
Yes.
38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? i've tried to be god about this- I don't like that kind of thing but I'd be lying if I said I haven't.
39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? absolutely have.
40. Have you ever sung in-front of the mirror? sure have. I sing a lot and when I get ready for work I sing........

A lot of positive things have been happening in my life these last few months. These positive experiences and happenings are tainted with other's pain. I'm tired of the sad news and I'm tired of worrying.

Fucking hell I hate not knowing. All the thoughts that immediately go through my head that might be happening are sick and twisted. I hate it because that part of this world is sick and twisted. I hate that those I care about keep popping their heads into that horror to say 'hi'.

They either get sucked into its sickness for indeterminate amounts of time suffering or they die.

I gotta go easy. Its probably not as bad as I think. I'm certain that there is very little good to be found, though.

Please be well

I am, for the most part, a positive person by nature. I've never really seen the glass as half empty or half full, but wondered what I could do to fill it to the top. I've always looked for positive things in bad situations. I've always put on a happy face, even when I was hurting. And now all of that positivity is slipping away from me... and I honestly don't know what it is.

I suppose it could be a few different things. I'm having at least one problem in each area of my life. Literally. Family life, relationships, career, finances, school, my health, problems I have with myself, the military, other shit from my past, you name it. Alone, none of this seems insurmountable. But added together, I don't know... maybe the combination of it all has me stressed to the max, and now it's hard to stay positive about anything. Because lately I feel like I've just be going through the motions, faking emotions (I don't like people asking me if I'm okay or what's wrong, because I don't think it's sincere for one and for two, I don't want to be burdening the people I know and love with my problems). Life feels empty. Meaningless. Like what's the point since we're all going to die anyways, it's not like any of it matters. But still, I'd LIKE to make the most of it while I'm here. Life just makes it nearly fucking impossible sometimes. My motto: If you don't like something, either change it, or adapt. But with some of this shit, that's not even possible.

To begin with, my family. No where to even start with this, there's so many damn problems. EVERYONE has their issues - my mom, dad, brother, myself - and they all chash with everyone else's. I tried typing all out, but it was too long. I might do a follow up blog soon. I've tried to fix things soo many times... but it's such a toxic environment. it makes me feel smothered. I NEED to get out of here and just move out, but that's not possible for me right now because of my current financial situation. So for now, I just have to deal. But it's hard, I constantly feel tense and on edge around here.

I don't know. I just wish this empty, depressing, everything is meaningless feeling would go away. I hate it. I guess what it all boils down to is loneliness, I suppose. But I don't have the stamina to type everything out right now, running out of steam. Maybe later...

for those of you that don't know I am a sweatheart

I wrote a post in the lounge about me drawing request art for people. I do it a lot in the world and figured why not. Ppl will try to shoot me down of course but once I do a couple requests it will be a success. Hopefully a good project. Thats how I learn.

Here it is.

I am a badass sketch artist and photoshop junky. I can draw an image and color it and have it as a jpeg in 20 minutes. I have been absent from BL for a while, but am an undiscovered badass. Watch me prove it.

I do this for friends in the world all the time. It's really easy for me and I like to make ppl happy and let them bask in my awesome-ness.

[ goinstrong ]

[ps] I love bluelight and have been deeply involved for some time now. Time to give something back.

EX : my friend Kat from Houston said to draw her an octopus.Got a pen..Opened photoshop, had this on her wall in an hour.

So. My mind is kinda numb right now but I need to try to get this out of my head anyways, because I'm ridiculously irritable right now and my emotions are on thin ice.

Lately I'd been questioning my place with a "friend". He'd started acting distant lately, ever since the last time we hung out. I still don't understand why, because everything was fine then. He started ignoring my texts, phone calls, friend request on Facebook, and evaded making other plans to hang out after this last Saturday (we were supposed to chill but it completely slipped my mind and I didn't remember until he texted me asking what happened). I kind of knew the friendship was slowly crumbling. Deep down, I even knew that he was causing it... and that he didn't care. He was pretending to be my friend for his own selfish reasons. I started biding my time for the right time to tell him I was done, that none of it was worth it to me anymore.

Sunday, after he ignored my phone calls and texts... and then yesterday, after he never called me back like he said he was going to... I finally broke down and told him a little bit of how I felt. That I didn't know what was going on, but that I felt like it was personal. He called me then, said it wasn't personal, gave me all these excuses just to appease me, we hung up a few minutes later... I didn't feel appeased. If anything, I felt more unsettled than I had before we talked. After we hung up, I sent him a tentative text asking if he still wanted to chill this week (since that was originally the purpose of me calling him and him calling me back to begin with, but I'd forgotten to bring it up on the phone). Which he ignored. Well I finally texted him and told him that he was still doing the one thing I told him was bothering me and that I needed to take some time to figure out what I wanted to to do. Then I turned my phone off because I knew he was just going to ignore me some more and I didn't want to deal with that.

So I finally turn my phone back on, and guess what? He didn't ignore me. Guess what he said INSTEAD?

"Thanks!"

Well you know what... fuck you. I was prepared to just walk away quietly. I would have been happy to do so. Until he said, "thanks". Yeah, thanks for not wanting to talk to me. After all the shit I did for him too, all the dumb secrets I kept for him, all the shit I put up with, all the patience I had... how fucking rude.

So you know what else? Fuck that. I'm NOT going to just walk away quietly. Because that hurt. Bad. For many, many reasons that I will not get into on here. But you can be sure that he's going to be hurting just as much as I am when I'm done...

"Thanks!".... lol... what the fuck is that shit...

He would have been better off ignoring that text completely.

Yeah... it's been a hella bad two weeks, and it's only Thursday tomorrow.

I have been well and truly blindsided by the quotient of drama. I cannot take it.

I won't put up with hearing loud sex when I am exhausted (not from sex with whomever it picked up at the bar).