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So I had the last of my bud left. I normally wait until night time to smoke, but wanted to get out of the house. It was very nice out, perfect weather. My homeboy was at his ex gf Sheena's house. I saw her and I was like "unblock me on facebook" she was like "oh someone must have got on my account and did that"

LoL uh huh. Called out!

We just sat on the bench and rolled up. I was kind of nervous cuz there were kids at the park and stuff, but we kept it cool.

I hadn't been to the park in a very long time, its the same one I played at growing up, and got lots of memories.

It was just a really super chill day, it really was good for me to get out for some fresh air. Things have been tense lately, very tense. Me and my friend daniel have been wanting to play basketball for a long time. There were some kids playing basketball so we decided to join in. Some of them rolled up and were older, like maybe 20 or 21. I got to talking to this dude and he goes to the same nightclubs I use to go to. I was like yeah im [bleep] and he was like really? and seemed kinda speechless for a second. I was like fuck yeah thas right.

Overall it was a really nice day out of the house and I get to enjoy the good weather before it gets cold as fuck. Im kinda bummed cuz I couldnt get my cam today, but am going in the morning tomorrow. Peace!

Test

I had a pretty normal day today. there was one awful moment though. For my sociology group we had to write down a joke and bring it to class no big deal right? so I went with this one from Bill Hicks "A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on." I thought it was really funny. Well the group im in is a bunch of sorority girls there is only one other dude and he knows them. Well they tell there jokes and I know im in trouble there telling what did the duck cross the road jokes. So im sitting theree trying to think of one I can tell real fast and just drawing a blank. My social anxiety was kicking my ass I was sweating I had this crazy urge to excuse myself and leave but I couldnt. So finally its my turn now I know I should just say some shit make one up but I was so nervous and they were just looking at me like I was a moron. So I just read it and there was dead silence they are all looking at me like wtf. So I just get up and leave. Luckily the teacher is my phycololigist so it was ok to leave. The shitty part is I have to be in the same group every thursday for the rest of the semester.

On a positive note I my phych gave me a social anxiety workbook and he seems to be commited to helping me come up with some strategies to manage it. I really feel that if I can get my anxiety under control that my quality of life and overall happyness would be soo much better. I really hate feeling like I cant talk to people it has slowly caused me to lose any self confidence i might have had. I really hope one day I will get to place were I can be happy.

My folks threw away .4 when I od'd, but I had a cd case with about .1 of that fire dope that almost killed me in it. As a show of solidarity I took the case out in front of them and rinsed it down the drain. and even rinsed my movie gallery card I had used to chop it up with.

As I saw the brown powder rinse down the drain I immediately regretted doing it. All I was thinking was "I could have gotten high one more time and no one would have known and that was the perfect amount to get high on without incident."

Im craving, and jonesing. A federal agent asked me to CI and I said no as Id probably have to use to buy... at the peak of my craving I thought about renigging and buying just for the complimentary taste. Im very against snitching... In my experience Im about 2 weeks out from the cravings disappearing.

1500 Purchased 4 .2 pointers on 9/11/11. Tolerance near 0% as last use of opiates occurred 3.5 months previously. Although overweight, no significant health problems. Dealer was puking uncontrollably. He said be careful.

1800 insuffulated .025 g, extreme euphoria and about 99.5% high. fentanyl suspected.

1825 Stupidly inject .3 g filter sterilized and washed and proceed to massively OD with no sitter. (I do not know why I did this, I was already amazingly high, wtf was I thinking)

0600 no call no show @ work

1000 friend calls parents and tells them to check on me ASAP!

1100 no response at apartment, parents break in to find son non-responsive very shallowly breathing and hypoxic. EMS called.

1130 o2 levels low, breathing and vitals barely detectable. rushed to ER.

1200 toxicology shows opiates, narcan administered.

1220 post ictal self finds right arm to be paralyzed, ears not working, and legs screaming in pain due to massive seizure at some point during overdose. significant muscle tearing had occurred.

1221 belligerently fights off 3 cops, 2 nurses and one 6'5" father while screaming "What have you fuckers done to me!?"

1225 sedated with unknown agent, and med-evacd to larger city hospital.

spends next 4 days in ICU still nodding off. catheterized, ct and mri looking for stroke. some pt and ot for arm, which has about 25% function. hearing about 30%.

09/15/11 transferred to psychiatric for substance abuse.
Kiss ass and very polite(i had already seen one flew over the cuckoos nest. caution heeded), released to parents care on 9/18.

Right arm at 65% functionality, coming back slowly. ulnar nerve damage, pinky and ring finger numb/pins and needles, same for arm above the elbow.

Hearing muffled and distorted but at about 70-80% functionality.


Well chaps, it was a good run. But I will never do heroin again, as playing guitar, my hearing, and my fucking arm and life are worth more to me.

Heroina, why'd you have to kiss me so sweetly only to bite my lip and be unfaithful?
Dear... do please fuck yourself right off.

it's a converted synagogue, they tell me. became a homeless shelter once, then a seedy rooming house.
at some point from that ignominy, the Feds and the State co-opted the place, and it now sits as a boarding house for those who lived & remember the last 70yrs of modern warfare; and those who are civilian hospice wards of the State, somehow shuffled in here through the whimsy of social workers.

It's an in-between place, in every sense of the term.

Ok for days i have been trying to find a way to post to bl using my crap cell browser. I finally found somewhere to post without a doc too large error message. If any bluelighter or admin come across this, please email me. [email protected] . There is really a thread and or post i want to share and maybe if you contact me via email, you can post it for me on my behalf. Please contact me, i have been on bl 4 years as sp0r and now my comp is brolke and it is very frustrating. Any admin please email me so we can work something out. Peace dave. Twitter @sp0r412 #harmreduction aim dag109

Motivation why is it so hard to obtain. I smoked some weed yesterday for the first time in 4 months thinking it might do me some good to do something i used to do. It felt good but at the same time i felt like shit. but then again i always feel like shit now because of the pills i was doing. I never wanted to quit smoking weed i had to because of the benzo withdrawal and then being but on zoloft things got even worse and i just stayed away from it. but its not just weed it everything i used to do before i changed my ways last december. everything i do now is so hard and creates stress and fear in me. its like i have this dark cloud following me around. i just want to be able to enjoy life again.

So the honeymoons over, I'm back home and it was INCREDIBLE. Beaches are awesome, weather is great, people.... eh, it was mostly retirees so I guess they're probably nice... lol

However! I just got offered a job the other day doing commercial roofing and that kinda work pays BANK. Something like $30/hr doing government buildings on scale pay. I say FUCK florida if I'm gonna be making that kinda cash in MD. I just have to convince the wife that money is better than sand and salt water. I'm sure she'll understand if I get the job.

Going to fill out an application right now! wish me luck BL

I posted this in Advanced Drug Discussion, and it got closed, with the reason as "use your blog." I don't know how the blog works, but here goes.

I am a young teenager, with little experience in the world of drugs (booze, bud, benzo, solvent, oxy). I have never talked to someone who has the same sort of ideal as me with drug use, which is this: basically, I plan to do every drug. The drugs I wouldn't do are not because I have limits; I really don't. I wouldn't do these drugs simply because thy don't appeal to me. If I was offered a shot of heroin, morph, coke, meth, pretty much anything, I would answer with a big fat "FUCK YES". Getting into drugs and having a drug lifestyle like most of the people who will read this do, is in fact one of my main ambitions in life. I spend hours a day on bluelight, reading everything I can, particularly trip reports. It is among my ultimate goals to get heavily into drugs, and the only thing stopping me is a lack of fucking dealers. I definetely have the money, I just don't know how the fuck to get my hands on anything other than grass, which I hate.

So the reason I want get into drugs and be a drug addict (seriously. Yes, I plan to get clean eventually as well, but I feel I need to know what it's like to be controlled by a substance. All of my friends think I'm fucking retarded, and you are thinking that right now as well, I know it). It is my understanding that drugs are something that can take you literally dozens of times further on so many different levels of life than leading a drugless life can. A while back, I saw a graph about dopamine or serotonin release relating to drugs. This contributed to my dream to do drugs. I've told lots of my mates about ths, whether I understood it properly or not. It said that you get 50% (happiness) release from eating. 100% for having sex (orgasm). And that 200% happiness release is the highest the human brain can achieve without the aid of substance. And then it told me this. That a cocaine high gives you 350% happiness. And that a meth high will give you ... 1200% happiness. This graph blew my fucking mind. It seemed unbelievable to me that most people weren't prepared to sacrifice their health, to feel SIX times as good as you can possibly feel if you, say, achieved your ultimate life dream, or made love to your dream beauty.

Now, I probably interpreted this information wrongly somehow, but that doesn't matter to me. From reading bluelight, it seems to me that drugs can do things like that; take you further than you could dream about going without them. I am obsessed with making the most of life, and I can't compehend dying without having experienced the drug lifestyle, warts and all, that you probably lead. Bluelighters, I envy you.

So, I guess I'm asking 2 questions:
1. Can you relate to me? Noone else has.
2. Do you, assuming you are like most bluelighters and you are really into that drug lifestyle I want to experience so badly, feel that people who don't use are missing out on the world? Do you believe that if your life was clean of drugs, it would be unbearably dull and pointless? This is not a question of being hooked on drugs, it's about whether you believe that drugs are really the most amazing thing, and that they can take you a hundred times further than anything else can. This is what I, as a non-drug user, believes and hopes for.

Any comments are welcome. I really hope this doesn't get closed, I spent a long time writing that.

Well, I have been trying to get into this state funded program for a while. Its kinda for crazy people. Part of a plan I been working on lately. Well the first visit went well, I was really high on benzos and dxm and totally put on a good show and passed the first step.

Well there are four steps. today was step two and I acted real chill and sober and said I have mood swings which is why I was like that the other day. I thought that would help me, but he acted like I seem to normal and might not meet the requirements. I dunno if I should step it up a notch or what, because I have put a lot of time in this.

I would hate to get denied at the next step after all this work.

Other than that I been ok. Just chilled with my gma and talked alot about my life and how its not so hot right now. Well I was saying all the negative stuff, she was just neutral. Its fucked up but I can get through it.

Im hoping to get into this program, they may give me some crazy meds i dont take, but i might also get some I need. If I don't get into this program then I don't get to have help right now.
don't have resources to see a doc or insurance

this past month ive ben half heartely attempting to quit Heroin often just waitin until i get sick to use my last dose wel over the past few times ive had strange symptoms of my heart beatin irregularly befor lastnight nothing scary had happend only minor heart shakes whil emy heart beats regularly after injection. lastnight after waitin 12 hourse sence my last 2 bag dose i decided to allow myself a one bag dose being i had strange symptoms originating from my recent shots ( rash under right peck andafter injection redening of my cheast compleately)anyway after my one bag shot i felt fine relaxed until my heart began beating heavily at a rate of 120-130 beats a min. and not just small but fast beats but intence heart jumping beats that moved my t shirt. i am very concerned as to whatmay be causing this weather its an alergic reaction to new cut in these bags ive been getting sence i was 17(now 19). also that night of the 1bag shot i drank a certin amount of beer more than i ever normally would. im hoping the heart rate was simply a reflection of my blood alcohol content and not a serious bodily reaction to my much loved drug. if anyone could share any knowladge of something like this happening i would be forever endebted to them. i am currently withdrawling 22 hrs without injection for fear of returing heart rate symptoms. i was quite scared for my life and considered going to hospital after minor heart pains after continued increased heartrate. as i said any advice on the topic would be more than apprecieated

sik has recently started injecting oxycodone even though he has been using for 6 years now. he was just wondering how many times he can reuse the residue left over in the spoon before all the goodies are gone.

Song I had written about heroin back a few months ago.
Em hammering on low e 3rd fret. A5 B5 walk down on low e 3/2 back to Em
(id play the song if my arm was working better) Its bluesy, and the chorus has like a drunk louis armstrong What a wonderful world style. Its basically a round, start out cured of dopesick, to sick, and at the end you're right as rain again.


Em A5 B5
Brown sand, rocks in my hand, and I feel
3(g) 2(f#) Em
right as rain again


Black sand, rocks in my hand, and I am
just a hero'in

let me whisper ya lies for all your cryin
I know how ya feel, trust me Im sympathizin'
The world is a wreck there aint no justifin'
if you please
Ill help you

white sand, rocks in my hand, and i'm low
feed me up friend

tan sand, rocks in my hand, and Im sick
just kill me


You've stubbed your toe and no you aint a' dyin
you want to kick and it aint for lack a tryin
theres a hero in there hes just tired of flyin
if you need
ill heal you

burnt sand, rocks in my hand and I want
but I cant have

red sand, rocks in my hand and Im tore
fill my whole

Brown sand, rocks in my hand, and I feel
right as rain again

This blog is broken. Whatever.

Been really long since i wrote one of these but hey why not. I have had a hell of a time so far going back to school and stuff also been doing hella dope to smoothen any kinks. I seem to have become more resilient and keep my head up even with all the disappointment strange as it sounds the drugs are my crutch better than any antidepressant i ever had but only for a short period. I am currently off for a significant period coping. Drank some beers on friday feels good man after two years of nothing but dope. I really love that i have kept off benzos, they are the worst thing ever like retardation only ten times worse. WALL OF TEXT haha feels good to be alive and in retrospect its the little subtleties that count. Love ya'll blers. strange as it sounds the drugs are my crutch better than any antidepressant i ever had but only for a short period. I am currently off for a significant period coping. Drank some beers on friday feels good man after two years of nothing but dope. I really love that i have kept off benzos, they are the worst thing ever like retardation only ten times worse. WALL OF TEXT haha feels good to be alive and in retrospect its the little subtleties that count. Love ya'll blers.

could u feel viodin on 70 mgs of methadone, even if I took 10 vics lol or should I wait until I come down more and more off the done. could somebody help me out?

i've taken methadone within the last couple hours because i didnt think i would be able to get any pills but my guy came though if i shoot up will it be a waste?

It may just be my epitaph...

Sitting here after eating 100mg of Tramadol, because I don't have any money to get real drugs. I can't even afford dirt weed. I have a job interview on Thursday so hopefully that will go well.

I hate this endless cycle of on-off-on-off but it's mainly a money issue. Well, it's definitely a money issue. Possibly a source issue but I haven't looked into that yet and anyway it would piss me off if I had money but no source. Fuck.

I'm only half watching A Clockwork Orange and listening to my girlfriend and dogs sleep. I have class tomorrow but probably won't sleep until much later. I miss smoking every day but breathing easily is also nice.

My blistered tongue is going away. Almost gone. The only remnants from my oxymorphone. Fucking suboxone as well. It quiets the beast and I guess that's all I can really ask for. I need a legit script for it but it's another rabbit hole I don't want to travel down. Short acting opiates. Sucky but tolerable withdrawals.

Whatever.

Hello everyone, my name is Abi, and have done the following:
Smoked ALOT of weed,
taken MDMA (Molly) twice. The first time i took one pill, the second i took a triple, both were amazing and unforgettable experiences.
I am not a virgin.
I would like to try:
Acid
or any kind of hallucinogen, and maybe another form of MDMA besides Molly, (any suggestions?)

I am 135ish lbs but im loosing weight because i got to the gym and am trying to eat healthy! (any suggestions?)
I have short hair that is brunette but i dye it red most of the time
My raver animal is a fox
My raver name is Abi Doobie
I like raves, concerts, and kickbacks, i do not like parties (because there is always drama/puking/and.more.drama)
If you would like to get to know me better please ask as many questions as youd like

...

Yesterday I had a reality check. I was smoking with my friend. We are both in a similar position. Broke, live with parents, live in small and sucky town, depressed. My friend was talking about how his dad goes around telling everyone that his son is a drug addict and won't do anything with his life. Being in a small town, that is poisonous and is hurting his rep and ability to find work. My family does similar stuff, but not as bad.

We are stuck in a rut and cannot move forward. We can't get out of this rut and seem permanently stuck here.

I got probation fees coming up and will be locked up if I don't pay them. For sure.

Well my friend gave me a proposition. He said he has gotten away with it before. He wants to knock over a liquor store. It was such a buzz kill because it just brought to reality the extreme shittiness of my situation. I really don't want to do this and told him I didn't want to. All he wants me to do is lookout and he will split the money down the middle.

I really didn't want to, but now I am second guessing myself. It is getting to the point where I either live the life that society wants me to live (a criminal) or go to jail because I cant afford my fees.

Fuck

Alcohol is a vicious poison designed to pacify and neutralize the proletariat working class. Deny us access to gabaergics and deny us health insurance, you rotten filthy little animals. Fuck you. Prohibition is like putting out a grease fire with a bottle of shampoo, while paying a bunch of hired thugs to use the same bottle and move onto there next abomination. Took me 6 years of drinking to realize this. There are far superior drugs on the market, you just have to look around. See you through looking glass kids.



I'm going to go play in the sun and roll in the grass in the park, reading short stories by kurt vonnegut and ken kesey, drinking water like a madman to replace the oral fixation drinking and smoking cigarettes have caused me. I am now free of both those things. Wellbutrin SR seems to be complimenting my small dose of klonopin significantly.


I'm both happy, productive, and talkative, too talkative some would say. Fuck those some. I have a right to say whatever I goddamn well please.

A woman asked me if two large bags were hers yesterday, waiting in line for a simple haircut a friend was having. She had little broods of failure, which I believe is selfish and wrong, but what can you do.

A simple kind no was my reply, and then a moment later I made a silly little joke about homeland security. "Call them up I said." Unattended bags are dangerous. Don't you realize we're in goddamn war?

Utter flag-sucking nonsense and these nitwits eat it up via 24 hour "news" (balls, I know journalism and that ain't it. Those fuckers should be stripped of their cozy little place in society and thrown to the packs of WORKING POOR like most citizens in this country)like a Chinese buffet gone mad on strong indica strains. She wasn't please with my humor "Call homeland security" I said with a big smile on me face. She looked at me as though I'd told her to wash her cunt out with antifreeze and stick her head in the oven.

Fuck those people. I love and tolerate most everyone and despite my vicious prose that I write, I'm actually undeniably the most kind and courteous person you could run into on the street. I'm broke and 2 steps away from being completely homeless, in title. I've a job now so its different. 6 months I had no such endeavor, yet I saw a woman on the main street here in Lawrence with a sign that said she was homeless. I had 53 cents to my name, dropped it in her can, then talked to her for half an hour. It made me feel good, and I'm sure it made her feel good. Most people don't give a shit about things like that, they're too busy washing their Volvos, watering there stupid grass when theres a goddamn record breaking drought going on, and filling up they're fat pocket books/wallets with evil treacherous garbage. Fuck those people. That's all. See the cat? see the cradle? Ho ho.

I'm walking my dog (well, two), minding my own business. My dog starts whining/growling to go near a neighbor's dog. The neighbor is outside with numerous other people (a few adults and five to seven children under the age of eight). My small dog runs towards the children but I'm more concerned with keeping the big one by me.

Suddenly the neighbor starts screaming that I can't control that dog and I shouldn't be walking it, 'cause I can't fucking control it, and that it scared the shit out of him a week or so ago when my dog pulled me near his, blah blah blah. I shouted back "Sorry!" 'cause what more could I say as I'm trying to keep my big dog moving to get away from the commotion... He's all "Sorry? Sorry?! What the fuck, she's sorry? Sorry?" then continued to ramble about how stupid I am to walk both dogs, etc etc.

Why I let this belligerent asshole who swears in front of children bring me to tears I have no idea.

This post will probably vanish.