Blogs

I showed this blog to my friend Brittany and she really liked it. We have been sending blogs to each other via pm's on facebook. It is kind of fun.

Brittney hooked me up with a cool ass chick about a month or two ago and I kind of fucked it up. I didn't REALLY fuck it up but something happened and we both made a mistake, and I got most of the blame for it.

Well all of a sudden I have started to miss her again. The first month was pretty hurtful because I had high expectations and my hopes and aspirations for the relationship (what could have been) pretty much got smashed against the wall. I feel much better now but I keep seeing her pictures lately. Brittany put a picture of them on Facebook. I also saw a picture of her on my friends facebook. She was wearing a black dress and just really looking good. It didn't really do much, but now I kind of miss her. Not really tho, I am just lonely, and at times like this, I miss whatever I can.

I slept in today. Until around 2pm. The bad thing is that I was still tired so I fell asleap again and didn't wake up until like 8pm. It is going to be a long night. Its cool though because I have a lot of friends I am talking to.

Oh yeah I got a phone call from my friend angie who is in jail right now. We are really good friends, and she is sexy as fuck and has an awesome music taste. Also she is an artist. I kind of just see her as a friend but there has been a couple times where she has called me wanting dick but I never could find a ride. She lives about 45 minutes away. Last time I saw her she smoked a blunt of chronic with me and got me wired. She was really whored up too because she was going to visitation to see her man. The collect call was bad ass, it went like this:

"You have a collect call from : I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!"

See u soon

out of sight, out of mind

just another ex girfriend.

lol remember while you were driving back home today from alecs house after blazing, you had this moment of clarity going 35 passing ruth musser. getting over an addiction is just how you get over an ex. yeah obviously its going to be hard and it will take awhile. You might slip and call her or check up on her once in awhile, but no matter what things can never go back to how they used to be. She moved on, so should you. It takes months and months to get over an ex that you truly cared about. someone you devoted most of your life too. Its not going to be easy but you just got to keep it out of your sight then it will be out of mind. don’t look back cause its only going to make it harder…life is all about the decisions you make. MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS and live life to the fullest. be good to yourself, be good to your parents and love your God at all cost…cause nothing else matters.

I am really glad the anniversary of 9/11/01 fell on a Sunday this year. *Shakes head* I just don't want to hear about it! Esp. not today. Yes, I know it was scary. Yes, I know how much of an impact it had. I was old enough at the time to be aware that this was some serious shit going down--I don't need you reminding me each and every year with your "woe is me" crap even though you were only effected on the national-level! Did you know anyone who died because they worked there? Did you know anyone who went into the building and died because of it? No? Then do NOT complain to me about how much it impacted your life.

And on that note, I think the biggest image of that day that sticks with me is of the people jumping out of the building. I remember hearing a reporter on the radio my Science teacher had quietly going (with a student standing watch at the door for the principal who took away the TVs 'cause he felt we [8th grade] were "too young to know what's going on") say something along the lines of, "And now there appears to be some sort of--Those are people! There are people jumping from the building!"

:-/

i'm pretty pleased that i am making progress and still able to have fun when i want to. it seems like most of these posts revolve around drinking (or not drinking); i did not realize how much i drank until i made a conscious effort to stop.

but i am pretty happy with the results so far... i've lost about 10 pounds of fat and gained 2 pounds of muscle. but more than that, i feel decent when i wake up at the ass crack of dawn and have energy to make it through the day. i am still lame and pass out around 10.30pm tho. however i am noticing more flexibility and i am slightly stronger. i'm even thinking of joining a gym to get better cardio workouts in!

It reminds me of Pokemon cards or Magic cards from when I was in, like, middle school. Pikachu for Squirtle? Why not?!

I traded a friend a decent amount of klonopin for a decent amount of oxycodone. It works well both ways. Technically free drugs. I am enjoying those free drugs as I write this. It's been about 2 weeks without oxycodone so I was fiending pretty hard. Sad, right? Although my teeny tiny tolerance has been a good thing. I'm only on about 45mg of oxycodone and 3mg of clonazepam and feeling great.

How come when you're opiate-naive you get all nauseous and can't even think about eating but then when you've had a tolerance and a habit, you almost need opiates in order to be able to eat? And you crave the shittiest food on earth. Like, McDonald's dollar menu shitty.

I guess things are looking up drug wise. At least until I finish my last 30mg of oxycodone. I did 90mg in less than 24 hours. I'm a real fucking vacuum cleaner when it comes to this shit. When I don't have any, everything sucks. I just go through the motions of life. When I do have opiates, I don't have a fucking care in the world. This morning I was all "boohoo I need therapy, I need a job" -- now, at least for the next ~6 hours or so, I will be like... LIFE IS AWESOME! And it's all an illusion. But I like that illusion. It's one I can live with, until the drugs wear off. Then where am I? Back to where I started. Vicious fucking cycle...

Just a couple days ago I was eating tramadol and suboxone and feeling sorry for myself. Deep down, I still am feeling sorry for myself but these pills make it worthwhile. Knowing I have them and knowing they're around somehow makes things better.

I'm going to chill out, eat my fucking McChicken and watch pirated episodes of Breaking Bad... and maybe get some homework done. Hahaha.

I love you like grave danger
Like moon shining disguise
Mmm hmm
When I wake up with your makeup
And spread blush cross the sky

Like a meteor crush
I'm gonna tell the world
Been a million years full of tears
But I found my girl

My notion of love devotion
Was a corrosion of mind
Mmm hmm
Then come cupid and now I’m stupid
And I feel it’s just fine

Like exploding face
I’m gonna tell the world
Been a million years full of fears
But I found my girl

It’s a spun tongue
It’s a holy shit
It’s a loud cry from the heart
It’s a live death
It’s a big breath
It’s a no more we’re apart

Like a rainbow crash
As we bow and swirl
Been a million years full of tears
But I found my girl

Like exploding sun
Let the light unfurl
Been a million years full of fears
But I found my girl

I can't seem to get this song out of my head. I guess it's cause how I feel ATM. It's been so good thus far, it's like a dream. Like above words ring true. I never imagined being this happy.

amazing! acudetox.com & my training make me know i'm not crazy! keep guiding me sweetheart! i miss u so....

can't sleep.
go outside to have a smoke. light. drag. space-out for a min.
awareness.
horrible distant ungodly metallic grinding noise, down the wet ave. huh? chevy tahoe drags a bare, seized alloy wheel past at 30. hits the next light and silence.
wait.... wtf??
coming back the other way, nasty gouging sound..... and there he goes, past, and back down the ave.... laying waste to bling rim on wet pavement.
two johnny laws leisurely roll by a few minutes later, and a drunk crosses wobbly on a bicycle behind them. ..... ah well, time for another smoke.
10 minutes later....
what the fuck?? here it comes again.....

he goes by, then around the block, and now he's coming back. the chevy grinds past 4th time wheel a ragged nub now. to the opposite block, thru a red, and fades off in the rain. *yawn*

half an hour.....
AGAIN...... going towards downtown. the alloy wheel gone, steel spindle & rotor glowing orange. no prowl-cars for miles.

that's it, I'm going to bed.

Today I did a blog, it was like...all bloggy n stuff %)

hey i ordered a few things from theladyjane and a few ,biz sites but anyone knoz any sites to get oxys that wont scam me again thanks

So I had the last of my bud left. I normally wait until night time to smoke, but wanted to get out of the house. It was very nice out, perfect weather. My homeboy was at his ex gf Sheena's house. I saw her and I was like "unblock me on facebook" she was like "oh someone must have got on my account and did that"

LoL uh huh. Called out!

We just sat on the bench and rolled up. I was kind of nervous cuz there were kids at the park and stuff, but we kept it cool.

I hadn't been to the park in a very long time, its the same one I played at growing up, and got lots of memories.

It was just a really super chill day, it really was good for me to get out for some fresh air. Things have been tense lately, very tense. Me and my friend daniel have been wanting to play basketball for a long time. There were some kids playing basketball so we decided to join in. Some of them rolled up and were older, like maybe 20 or 21. I got to talking to this dude and he goes to the same nightclubs I use to go to. I was like yeah im [bleep] and he was like really? and seemed kinda speechless for a second. I was like fuck yeah thas right.

Overall it was a really nice day out of the house and I get to enjoy the good weather before it gets cold as fuck. Im kinda bummed cuz I couldnt get my cam today, but am going in the morning tomorrow. Peace!

Test

I had a pretty normal day today. there was one awful moment though. For my sociology group we had to write down a joke and bring it to class no big deal right? so I went with this one from Bill Hicks "A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on." I thought it was really funny. Well the group im in is a bunch of sorority girls there is only one other dude and he knows them. Well they tell there jokes and I know im in trouble there telling what did the duck cross the road jokes. So im sitting theree trying to think of one I can tell real fast and just drawing a blank. My social anxiety was kicking my ass I was sweating I had this crazy urge to excuse myself and leave but I couldnt. So finally its my turn now I know I should just say some shit make one up but I was so nervous and they were just looking at me like I was a moron. So I just read it and there was dead silence they are all looking at me like wtf. So I just get up and leave. Luckily the teacher is my phycololigist so it was ok to leave. The shitty part is I have to be in the same group every thursday for the rest of the semester.

On a positive note I my phych gave me a social anxiety workbook and he seems to be commited to helping me come up with some strategies to manage it. I really feel that if I can get my anxiety under control that my quality of life and overall happyness would be soo much better. I really hate feeling like I cant talk to people it has slowly caused me to lose any self confidence i might have had. I really hope one day I will get to place were I can be happy.

My folks threw away .4 when I od'd, but I had a cd case with about .1 of that fire dope that almost killed me in it. As a show of solidarity I took the case out in front of them and rinsed it down the drain. and even rinsed my movie gallery card I had used to chop it up with.

As I saw the brown powder rinse down the drain I immediately regretted doing it. All I was thinking was "I could have gotten high one more time and no one would have known and that was the perfect amount to get high on without incident."

Im craving, and jonesing. A federal agent asked me to CI and I said no as Id probably have to use to buy... at the peak of my craving I thought about renigging and buying just for the complimentary taste. Im very against snitching... In my experience Im about 2 weeks out from the cravings disappearing.

1500 Purchased 4 .2 pointers on 9/11/11. Tolerance near 0% as last use of opiates occurred 3.5 months previously. Although overweight, no significant health problems. Dealer was puking uncontrollably. He said be careful.

1800 insuffulated .025 g, extreme euphoria and about 99.5% high. fentanyl suspected.

1825 Stupidly inject .3 g filter sterilized and washed and proceed to massively OD with no sitter. (I do not know why I did this, I was already amazingly high, wtf was I thinking)

0600 no call no show @ work

1000 friend calls parents and tells them to check on me ASAP!

1100 no response at apartment, parents break in to find son non-responsive very shallowly breathing and hypoxic. EMS called.

1130 o2 levels low, breathing and vitals barely detectable. rushed to ER.

1200 toxicology shows opiates, narcan administered.

1220 post ictal self finds right arm to be paralyzed, ears not working, and legs screaming in pain due to massive seizure at some point during overdose. significant muscle tearing had occurred.

1221 belligerently fights off 3 cops, 2 nurses and one 6'5" father while screaming "What have you fuckers done to me!?"

1225 sedated with unknown agent, and med-evacd to larger city hospital.

spends next 4 days in ICU still nodding off. catheterized, ct and mri looking for stroke. some pt and ot for arm, which has about 25% function. hearing about 30%.

09/15/11 transferred to psychiatric for substance abuse.
Kiss ass and very polite(i had already seen one flew over the cuckoos nest. caution heeded), released to parents care on 9/18.

Right arm at 65% functionality, coming back slowly. ulnar nerve damage, pinky and ring finger numb/pins and needles, same for arm above the elbow.

Hearing muffled and distorted but at about 70-80% functionality.


Well chaps, it was a good run. But I will never do heroin again, as playing guitar, my hearing, and my fucking arm and life are worth more to me.

Heroina, why'd you have to kiss me so sweetly only to bite my lip and be unfaithful?
Dear... do please fuck yourself right off.

it's a converted synagogue, they tell me. became a homeless shelter once, then a seedy rooming house.
at some point from that ignominy, the Feds and the State co-opted the place, and it now sits as a boarding house for those who lived & remember the last 70yrs of modern warfare; and those who are civilian hospice wards of the State, somehow shuffled in here through the whimsy of social workers.

It's an in-between place, in every sense of the term.

Ok for days i have been trying to find a way to post to bl using my crap cell browser. I finally found somewhere to post without a doc too large error message. If any bluelighter or admin come across this, please email me. [email protected] . There is really a thread and or post i want to share and maybe if you contact me via email, you can post it for me on my behalf. Please contact me, i have been on bl 4 years as sp0r and now my comp is brolke and it is very frustrating. Any admin please email me so we can work something out. Peace dave. Twitter @sp0r412 #harmreduction aim dag109

Motivation why is it so hard to obtain. I smoked some weed yesterday for the first time in 4 months thinking it might do me some good to do something i used to do. It felt good but at the same time i felt like shit. but then again i always feel like shit now because of the pills i was doing. I never wanted to quit smoking weed i had to because of the benzo withdrawal and then being but on zoloft things got even worse and i just stayed away from it. but its not just weed it everything i used to do before i changed my ways last december. everything i do now is so hard and creates stress and fear in me. its like i have this dark cloud following me around. i just want to be able to enjoy life again.

So the honeymoons over, I'm back home and it was INCREDIBLE. Beaches are awesome, weather is great, people.... eh, it was mostly retirees so I guess they're probably nice... lol

However! I just got offered a job the other day doing commercial roofing and that kinda work pays BANK. Something like $30/hr doing government buildings on scale pay. I say FUCK florida if I'm gonna be making that kinda cash in MD. I just have to convince the wife that money is better than sand and salt water. I'm sure she'll understand if I get the job.

Going to fill out an application right now! wish me luck BL

I posted this in Advanced Drug Discussion, and it got closed, with the reason as "use your blog." I don't know how the blog works, but here goes.

I am a young teenager, with little experience in the world of drugs (booze, bud, benzo, solvent, oxy). I have never talked to someone who has the same sort of ideal as me with drug use, which is this: basically, I plan to do every drug. The drugs I wouldn't do are not because I have limits; I really don't. I wouldn't do these drugs simply because thy don't appeal to me. If I was offered a shot of heroin, morph, coke, meth, pretty much anything, I would answer with a big fat "FUCK YES". Getting into drugs and having a drug lifestyle like most of the people who will read this do, is in fact one of my main ambitions in life. I spend hours a day on bluelight, reading everything I can, particularly trip reports. It is among my ultimate goals to get heavily into drugs, and the only thing stopping me is a lack of fucking dealers. I definetely have the money, I just don't know how the fuck to get my hands on anything other than grass, which I hate.

So the reason I want get into drugs and be a drug addict (seriously. Yes, I plan to get clean eventually as well, but I feel I need to know what it's like to be controlled by a substance. All of my friends think I'm fucking retarded, and you are thinking that right now as well, I know it). It is my understanding that drugs are something that can take you literally dozens of times further on so many different levels of life than leading a drugless life can. A while back, I saw a graph about dopamine or serotonin release relating to drugs. This contributed to my dream to do drugs. I've told lots of my mates about ths, whether I understood it properly or not. It said that you get 50% (happiness) release from eating. 100% for having sex (orgasm). And that 200% happiness release is the highest the human brain can achieve without the aid of substance. And then it told me this. That a cocaine high gives you 350% happiness. And that a meth high will give you ... 1200% happiness. This graph blew my fucking mind. It seemed unbelievable to me that most people weren't prepared to sacrifice their health, to feel SIX times as good as you can possibly feel if you, say, achieved your ultimate life dream, or made love to your dream beauty.

Now, I probably interpreted this information wrongly somehow, but that doesn't matter to me. From reading bluelight, it seems to me that drugs can do things like that; take you further than you could dream about going without them. I am obsessed with making the most of life, and I can't compehend dying without having experienced the drug lifestyle, warts and all, that you probably lead. Bluelighters, I envy you.

So, I guess I'm asking 2 questions:
1. Can you relate to me? Noone else has.
2. Do you, assuming you are like most bluelighters and you are really into that drug lifestyle I want to experience so badly, feel that people who don't use are missing out on the world? Do you believe that if your life was clean of drugs, it would be unbearably dull and pointless? This is not a question of being hooked on drugs, it's about whether you believe that drugs are really the most amazing thing, and that they can take you a hundred times further than anything else can. This is what I, as a non-drug user, believes and hopes for.

Any comments are welcome. I really hope this doesn't get closed, I spent a long time writing that.

Well, I have been trying to get into this state funded program for a while. Its kinda for crazy people. Part of a plan I been working on lately. Well the first visit went well, I was really high on benzos and dxm and totally put on a good show and passed the first step.

Well there are four steps. today was step two and I acted real chill and sober and said I have mood swings which is why I was like that the other day. I thought that would help me, but he acted like I seem to normal and might not meet the requirements. I dunno if I should step it up a notch or what, because I have put a lot of time in this.

I would hate to get denied at the next step after all this work.

Other than that I been ok. Just chilled with my gma and talked alot about my life and how its not so hot right now. Well I was saying all the negative stuff, she was just neutral. Its fucked up but I can get through it.

Im hoping to get into this program, they may give me some crazy meds i dont take, but i might also get some I need. If I don't get into this program then I don't get to have help right now.
don't have resources to see a doc or insurance

this past month ive ben half heartely attempting to quit Heroin often just waitin until i get sick to use my last dose wel over the past few times ive had strange symptoms of my heart beatin irregularly befor lastnight nothing scary had happend only minor heart shakes whil emy heart beats regularly after injection. lastnight after waitin 12 hourse sence my last 2 bag dose i decided to allow myself a one bag dose being i had strange symptoms originating from my recent shots ( rash under right peck andafter injection redening of my cheast compleately)anyway after my one bag shot i felt fine relaxed until my heart began beating heavily at a rate of 120-130 beats a min. and not just small but fast beats but intence heart jumping beats that moved my t shirt. i am very concerned as to whatmay be causing this weather its an alergic reaction to new cut in these bags ive been getting sence i was 17(now 19). also that night of the 1bag shot i drank a certin amount of beer more than i ever normally would. im hoping the heart rate was simply a reflection of my blood alcohol content and not a serious bodily reaction to my much loved drug. if anyone could share any knowladge of something like this happening i would be forever endebted to them. i am currently withdrawling 22 hrs without injection for fear of returing heart rate symptoms. i was quite scared for my life and considered going to hospital after minor heart pains after continued increased heartrate. as i said any advice on the topic would be more than apprecieated

sik has recently started injecting oxycodone even though he has been using for 6 years now. he was just wondering how many times he can reuse the residue left over in the spoon before all the goodies are gone.

Song I had written about heroin back a few months ago.
Em hammering on low e 3rd fret. A5 B5 walk down on low e 3/2 back to Em
(id play the song if my arm was working better) Its bluesy, and the chorus has like a drunk louis armstrong What a wonderful world style. Its basically a round, start out cured of dopesick, to sick, and at the end you're right as rain again.


Em A5 B5
Brown sand, rocks in my hand, and I feel
3(g) 2(f#) Em
right as rain again


Black sand, rocks in my hand, and I am
just a hero'in

let me whisper ya lies for all your cryin
I know how ya feel, trust me Im sympathizin'
The world is a wreck there aint no justifin'
if you please
Ill help you

white sand, rocks in my hand, and i'm low
feed me up friend

tan sand, rocks in my hand, and Im sick
just kill me


You've stubbed your toe and no you aint a' dyin
you want to kick and it aint for lack a tryin
theres a hero in there hes just tired of flyin
if you need
ill heal you

burnt sand, rocks in my hand and I want
but I cant have

red sand, rocks in my hand and Im tore
fill my whole

Brown sand, rocks in my hand, and I feel
right as rain again

This blog is broken. Whatever.