I'm a little bit disappointed but ultimately feeling a bit more free internally.
Over the last year or so I had what I thought was a really good friendship with someone. I put a lot into this friendship emotionally and materially only to get stabbed in the back earlier on this year. One problem I used to have is that I could be quite naive and trusting of people without getting to know them properly. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that people meet and think "Oh hey, she's decent" and then when they get to know me they realise it's not all funky piercings and tattoos and that I am quite a difficult person to get close to. I'm totally aware of it and I understand that it must be a bit of a shock when people realise I'm perhaps not as straightforward as I make out. In trying to hide my vulnerability from the world I end up laying it bare. This person really disappointed me. I helped them out with stuff like money, clothes, things... and I feel like I got totally stabbed in the back.
Admittedly I made a bit of a dick of myself because a mutual friend of hers had befriended me and about this time last year maybe? She completely used me to get information about something that was really fucking important to me, and then took it for herself. It's something that I knew was inevitable, but at the same time when I tried to disengage from her she bitched about me to my friends who all encouraged me to trust her... worst fucking mistake of my life.
So yes, I tried really hard with the girl I was trying to help with stuff... and then we had a big blow out down to some girls she'd started hanging out with. One of them was seeing someone who was connected to someone else that I had a situation with... it all got a bit complex... but one of the girls she was hanging out with obviously didn't like me for reason and made up some total bullshit about me which sadly my friend believed rather than hear my side of the story. Not only was I really hurt that she would do that, but I was totally at a loss as to why the person who made up the shit would actually make it up. She wasn't the nicest person I've ever met and to be perfectly honest I didn't feel like I could connect with any of that group of people. Bunch of twenty-somethings acting like they knew everything. I guess maybe it was inevitable.
To be fair in the end I think I realised that kids of that age just don't understand or appreciate what things are going to be like when they're older. Most of them treated me with disdain which is fine, I'm a loser, I don't really care. I just don't understand why one person in particular would encourage me to become part of that social scene only to fuck me over. Probably because I was too nice, and too trusting, and because in that kind of situation people tend to go with the crowd and pick on what they see as the weakest rather than be true to themselves.
Anyway. The reason I've went on a total rant about that is because we'd been back in touch today and I was feeling a bit nostalgic because one thing I did enjoy was when she used to come up for cups of tea. I don't get a lot of visitors but there's certain people that turn up for cups of tea and chats which makes me happy. I stupidly said this to her and got a text back from her in which she said "yeah still needing head space" and at the end said "I'm glad you're happy"... I felt like a total wanker for saying that I missed our chats but I just meant that I thought of that particular element of our friendship fondly. It wasn't like I was asking her to start being friends again. And the end comment about "I'm glad you're happy" I found a bit patronising. I've always been fundamentally happy, I'm just too quick to let other people's issues bring me down. The best thing I ever did was to get away from that fucking shallow bunch of hipsters. I could count on one hand the people from that group that I would still give the time of day to.
I know it's petty and not really worthy of a rant but it really just frustrated me. Yes, I'm a difficult person to be friends with but I care about people so, so much and I feel like I'm the target for anyone who wants to be a cunt to someone. I know I'm quite bad for being the "victim" but honestly sometimes it feels like everyone uses me as their emotional punchbag. Saying that I do understand that sometimes I am just a bit of a dick... but I will always admit when I have been these days. Pretty much it's if I drink to excess in company that I don't feel comfortable with... I tend to get a bit of an attitude with people and can get bitter and shitty about people that have "wronged" me. But, put me in a situation with people like Debbie and the work people we hang out with... and I am absolutely fine. This is why I don't really socialise and if I want to drink, I do it alone and get creative. I don't abuse the happy drunk times with Debbie because I would absolutely hate it if I got shitty drunk around her and the people we hang about with because that person is not representative of who I am.
People can think whatever the fuck they like about me. I've been a cunt in the past. No doubt I'll be a cunt again in the future. But I will not be made to feel inferior by a bunch of shallow idiots who were only nice to me because I was "cool" for about five minutes. Their patter is shit and I will not be made a fool of again. When I was their age I would never have deliberately trod on someone like they've all trod on me.
All of this has made me even more determined to be myself. I'm fiercely fucking proud of how I've developed and I'm not going to change for anyone. I've hidden myself away for so long because I've been scared of what other people think and I'm just not willing to do it anymore. One thing I'm realising is that the ones that matter accept me as I am and are brutally honest with me about things even if they think it'll "upset" me. I'm not as sensitive as people think. Well, maybe I am, but I'm more reasonable than some people think. I'd rather have someone be honest with me and know if there's a problem than have them bullshit about it then get pissed off at me. People piss me off too. People actually forget that. I've been such a doormat that I've just taken everyone's shit and the few times I've fought back I've been met with total indignance for having the audacity to fight my own corner.
All of this is just fuel to my inner fire. I need to motivate myself to lose some weight, to get confident, to sort my shit out and do my own thing. I've been licking my wounds for the last few months and I'm starting to get claustrophobic. I am sorry for the time I wasted trying to be part of something that just wasn't meant for me.
I know I'm not perfect. But at least I don't deliberately stamp all over other people because I'm feeling insecure. I just get inwardly angry and rant about it on a blog. Which is entirely more healthy.
Over the last year or so I had what I thought was a really good friendship with someone. I put a lot into this friendship emotionally and materially only to get stabbed in the back earlier on this year. One problem I used to have is that I could be quite naive and trusting of people without getting to know them properly. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that people meet and think "Oh hey, she's decent" and then when they get to know me they realise it's not all funky piercings and tattoos and that I am quite a difficult person to get close to. I'm totally aware of it and I understand that it must be a bit of a shock when people realise I'm perhaps not as straightforward as I make out. In trying to hide my vulnerability from the world I end up laying it bare. This person really disappointed me. I helped them out with stuff like money, clothes, things... and I feel like I got totally stabbed in the back.
Admittedly I made a bit of a dick of myself because a mutual friend of hers had befriended me and about this time last year maybe? She completely used me to get information about something that was really fucking important to me, and then took it for herself. It's something that I knew was inevitable, but at the same time when I tried to disengage from her she bitched about me to my friends who all encouraged me to trust her... worst fucking mistake of my life.
So yes, I tried really hard with the girl I was trying to help with stuff... and then we had a big blow out down to some girls she'd started hanging out with. One of them was seeing someone who was connected to someone else that I had a situation with... it all got a bit complex... but one of the girls she was hanging out with obviously didn't like me for reason and made up some total bullshit about me which sadly my friend believed rather than hear my side of the story. Not only was I really hurt that she would do that, but I was totally at a loss as to why the person who made up the shit would actually make it up. She wasn't the nicest person I've ever met and to be perfectly honest I didn't feel like I could connect with any of that group of people. Bunch of twenty-somethings acting like they knew everything. I guess maybe it was inevitable.
To be fair in the end I think I realised that kids of that age just don't understand or appreciate what things are going to be like when they're older. Most of them treated me with disdain which is fine, I'm a loser, I don't really care. I just don't understand why one person in particular would encourage me to become part of that social scene only to fuck me over. Probably because I was too nice, and too trusting, and because in that kind of situation people tend to go with the crowd and pick on what they see as the weakest rather than be true to themselves.
Anyway. The reason I've went on a total rant about that is because we'd been back in touch today and I was feeling a bit nostalgic because one thing I did enjoy was when she used to come up for cups of tea. I don't get a lot of visitors but there's certain people that turn up for cups of tea and chats which makes me happy. I stupidly said this to her and got a text back from her in which she said "yeah still needing head space" and at the end said "I'm glad you're happy"... I felt like a total wanker for saying that I missed our chats but I just meant that I thought of that particular element of our friendship fondly. It wasn't like I was asking her to start being friends again. And the end comment about "I'm glad you're happy" I found a bit patronising. I've always been fundamentally happy, I'm just too quick to let other people's issues bring me down. The best thing I ever did was to get away from that fucking shallow bunch of hipsters. I could count on one hand the people from that group that I would still give the time of day to.
I know it's petty and not really worthy of a rant but it really just frustrated me. Yes, I'm a difficult person to be friends with but I care about people so, so much and I feel like I'm the target for anyone who wants to be a cunt to someone. I know I'm quite bad for being the "victim" but honestly sometimes it feels like everyone uses me as their emotional punchbag. Saying that I do understand that sometimes I am just a bit of a dick... but I will always admit when I have been these days. Pretty much it's if I drink to excess in company that I don't feel comfortable with... I tend to get a bit of an attitude with people and can get bitter and shitty about people that have "wronged" me. But, put me in a situation with people like Debbie and the work people we hang out with... and I am absolutely fine. This is why I don't really socialise and if I want to drink, I do it alone and get creative. I don't abuse the happy drunk times with Debbie because I would absolutely hate it if I got shitty drunk around her and the people we hang about with because that person is not representative of who I am.
People can think whatever the fuck they like about me. I've been a cunt in the past. No doubt I'll be a cunt again in the future. But I will not be made to feel inferior by a bunch of shallow idiots who were only nice to me because I was "cool" for about five minutes. Their patter is shit and I will not be made a fool of again. When I was their age I would never have deliberately trod on someone like they've all trod on me.
All of this has made me even more determined to be myself. I'm fiercely fucking proud of how I've developed and I'm not going to change for anyone. I've hidden myself away for so long because I've been scared of what other people think and I'm just not willing to do it anymore. One thing I'm realising is that the ones that matter accept me as I am and are brutally honest with me about things even if they think it'll "upset" me. I'm not as sensitive as people think. Well, maybe I am, but I'm more reasonable than some people think. I'd rather have someone be honest with me and know if there's a problem than have them bullshit about it then get pissed off at me. People piss me off too. People actually forget that. I've been such a doormat that I've just taken everyone's shit and the few times I've fought back I've been met with total indignance for having the audacity to fight my own corner.
All of this is just fuel to my inner fire. I need to motivate myself to lose some weight, to get confident, to sort my shit out and do my own thing. I've been licking my wounds for the last few months and I'm starting to get claustrophobic. I am sorry for the time I wasted trying to be part of something that just wasn't meant for me.
I know I'm not perfect. But at least I don't deliberately stamp all over other people because I'm feeling insecure. I just get inwardly angry and rant about it on a blog. Which is entirely more healthy.