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(what ever you'd like to label it) advice please:

I'm a single mother of yes "three" (2-dads - I know, oh my(drama)) and would love all the advice I can receive on this delima of mine:

1) Should I continue to focus strickly on my girlies playing it single
or
2) Attempt to find "love" (my fear)

My girls are my world and priority in life and I'm unsure if I can share "myself" (did I mention I'm a bad sharer). I'm torn, what is healthy for me or best for them??

Advice please!

Thank you!!

Santa is around the corner playing some good house music and I've become quite ecstatic about rolling bawls again, its been a while ;D

Okay

I had pretty much abandoned the true use of my alarm clock and it had stopped from waking me up. My abuse of the snooze button was seemingly making getting out of bed an impossible task. That was until I recently realised what I had been doing and decided to retrain my brain to never use the snooze button again. I am now snooze button free. My abuse has stopped.

Back before we lived in nice warm houses, in cosy bedrooms with a comfortable bed, back when we were living outside in the wild, there were alarm clocks too. If we had decided to ignore them back then it would most probably lead to death, as the alarm clocks were the natural sounds of predators and other dangers. Their sounds would ALARM us so we woke up and became alert and ready.

So humans are naturally wired to wake up when alarming sounds are being heard. Nowadays though, we have created machines to imitate alarm in one way or another. Most alarm clocks seem to have the traditional beep-beep alarm which works fine for me.

I developed a major snooze button habit though, and I know I'm not the only one to have done that. My alarm was never set for when I wanted to be out of bed, but for about 30 minutes before I got out of bed so I could press the snooze button 3 or 4 times before getting up. I had associated the sound of my alarm with the desire to have more sleep. When the alarm would go off, my thought pattern would be;




Then 20 minutes of snooze abuse later






This thought pattern would continue some days for a couple of hours if I wasn't careful. It was not healthy to be snoozing so long so I decided to do something about it.

It was not a question of willpower though, I had to change the negative association that I had with the sound of my alarm clock into an association which would lead me to get straight out of bed every morning. Willpower might work once every now and again if you have something really important happening that you need to be up for or for some other reason but willpower alone cannot be relied on that early in the morning because the brain is only just waking up and will trick itself in order to stay in that bed at any opportunity.

The solution to this problem seems a little crazy but it works. My brain now doesn't think about anything when my alarm clock goes on, it just goes into auto pilot mode and I get up straight away before it can convince me to go back to bed.

You need to re-associate the sound of the alarm with getting straight out of bed, but you cannot do this while your brain is in waking up mode. This should be done during the day when your brain is awake and you can train it how you wish.

If you follow the following steps then I promise that it won't take long at all for you to have reprogrammed your brain to treat the alarm clock as a trigger to get up.

Step 1.
Close your bedroom curtains and put on your pajamas or whatever you normally wear to bed. Make it as much like normal bedtime as possible.

Step2.
Set your alarm to go off in two minutes time and get into bed, close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.

Step 3.
When the alarm goes off, get out of bed straight away, put some clothes on, or do the first thing you would normally do when you get out of bed in the morning.

Step 4.
Walk out of the bedroom.​

Repeat these steps for about an hour, or as much spare time as you can give it. With most people this will have already retrained your brain and when you next hear you alarm in the morning you will wake up follow the new routine that you have just tried to program into your brain.

Even if this works the first morning you try it, I would still recommend going through the steps again the next day to deeply ingrain this routine so that it replaces the snooze button routine totally.

If you don't believe that it can be that easy, I challenge you to give it a go for yourself.

I feel so much better in myself in the mornings now that I dont have to rush around like a madman trying to get ready in time. I also feel better because I haven't tortured myself in the morning and started my day with a negative thought pattern.

Nothing bad at all can come from trying this out, if you decide after trying that you preferred using the snooze button then you can easily retrain your brain again, although I'm not sure why anyone would ever go back to abusing the snooze.

One has to spend money and I've still got no job... And damn, I corrected my CV like 5 times. At first I was like "I'm going back" but 2 weeks have passed and I'm like "I want to stay here" so I'm totally pissed off by the lack of work. It's just unbelievable how many offers you can respond to and get nothing.

I've seen all the downtown and, no offend to Londoners of course, it's just my personal opinion, it may be the biggest city in Europe and it's a paradise to live salary / expends but I wasn't really astonished by architecture etc. Totally unlike Budapest or Prague.

I eventually bought some weed in a not so dangerous district but it's sooo weak. But hey, I wasn't conned at least! I really got 3 grams and it was some weed. I guess I should have asked for skunk. I don't believe people get high off this, there must be something as strong as this stuff from the Netherlands I used to get while in Poland.

Going around different districts gives a better perspective on London. I like how you may use London's metro, you can actually go from the North to the South paying just 2.50 pounds off-peak. I haven't been much in southern districts but I came to know the North and the downtown quite fast.

Well, sure, one can come sightseeing, there's a lot of stuff to see but I'm sick of it already...

Hey guys!

Well here I have an idea that came about as me and my friends smoked hella dank. I was telling them how I wanted to get the Magic Flight Launch Box for xmas (http://magicflight-launchbox.com/) and then I had a brilliant Hi-dea!!

I want to build a vape using the launch box's battery powered heating element, that somehow has a fan that will blow the steam into a bag.

So, basically, I want to make a Volcano vape without paying 500 bucks. Any info on past projects that other people might have would be awesome!

Note: im not going to make a lightbulb vape, those are lame I want to make a nice ass one to keep around

I've noticed I've been becoming less and less social, I have no idea when this began but its hard for me to hold a conversation without losing interest and just making the whole situation awkward.

Noticed this at a party on Friday, I didn't feel like talking to anyone really, except a close friend of mine and when I did approach a different group the above happened.
I wasn't always like this, let's hope its just a phase.



On another note my morning glory has bloomed its first few flowers, 2 have shrivelled already but its well on its way to 3 feet in height. The sweet peas have never stopped growing and the pansys should show some flowers soon, as for the miracle bean, I wish I could dispose of it but its still so very much alive and id hate to destroy something I grew just like that. Its really big, but the bastard aphids had destroyed much of it while it was still growing at the spectacular rate that it did.

School will start soon, the classes I need or want are full so I might have to bullshit this smester with only music or such just so I can save a good amount of financial aid for my traveling fund across america, into canada, and eventually take a plane to europe and travel on foot and train everywhere overthere. Seemingly enough it feels as if it'd be easier since I've lost so much contact with my 2 best friends, one involved so much with his girlfriend, don't get me wrong I'm happy for him, but since then we haven't much of him at all and when we do he doesn't want to do anything since he has become "low one money" and even tho we say we"ll spot em he says he'd rather not because he doesn't like using other peoples money, the thing is were inviting him to do it so yea, that's his excuse and I'm pretty sick of it. Anyway that makes it easier to say farewell to them.

I dream of moving the fuck out of america and into europe, no preferances as of now as I haven't had the chance to see or experience anything overthere, or canada.

I had a discussion a while ago, 3 September now that I think of it, with an interesting fellow. We started off on astronomy (mostly him calling me on my attempt to fake my stargazing-- I used to know where cassiopeia was, damnit!), but wound up quickly on faith. He was determined that science is as 'faith-based' as religion, and I was convinced that it isn't. Two hours later and we've both edged a bit toward the middle position, but still more or less polarized.

In the end, it came down to semantics. He considered that 'faith' meant simply believing something to be true that you have not directly experienced, based upon someone else's word. For me, having had a strongly religious upbringing, it had a very loaded definition that could be summed up briefly as: faith = willful ignorance. Now, I don't necessarily disagree with his stance; as a working scientist I know that most scientific work is done by first reading primary literature and determining whether the conclusions drawn from any particular investigation are valid. Someone else did the work, and I have to take it on 'faith' that if I were to repeat the work I would get similar results, within error.

But I don't call that faith.

Why does that matter, though? Simply put, humans have been trained over millenia to see the world through the lens of descriptive language, and while it is incredibly useful it can, like all tools, become limited and even hindering when edges are pushed. Even ignoring that every language has its own little biases and omissions, consider language as a whole. Language is, at its deepest roots, a shorthand for describing the world. The resulting information is compressed. When I say 'a rock', you can picture a rock, and it may look something like a rock that I pictured when I wrote that word. But it is but a label. Sure, I could have done a better job of describing it; given dimensions, density, composition, morphology, gross and fine physical descriptors, and the like. But each of those is still but a label; some compression of meaning is involved, and it is my opinion, my intuition, that it is a lossy compression.

Can I be described? Aspects of me can be described, but is that me? And if not, then what am I? How can I communicate that essence?

My life has been a wreck for the past 6 months. I struggled with addiction for 3 months, finally pulled myself together and thought I was on my way to fixing my life. Turns out I was wrong. I lost my job back in June and haven't found anything since. Bills are due and I don't have any money.

I am now seeing my friends slowly leave me behind (what few I did have left). I sit here day and night, doing nothing. I entertain myself with video games and look forward to having my younger brother come over after school to hang out with me. Other than that, my life is boring.

I see my friends put up pictures and status updates on facebook about going to parties and hanging out and having fun, but I look at my phone and not a single text from them. Never an invite to go along with them. I've just given up. Nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. I'm just the guy people call when there is absolutely nothing left to do. I'm the last resort.

My life has amounted to nothing and I just want to leave it all behind.

It has always been a fantasy of mine to go out and just hike. I want to hike the entire Appalachian trail. Every day the need to do this becomes stronger and one day I will do it. Just the solitude and meeting curious people along the way.

I have a clinical trial coming up in January (I hope), and will be getting paid $3800. Once this is done, I'm packing my shit and leaving. I'm making my dream come true and I'm leaving everything and everyone behind. Sort of my way to start over.

I hope I can follow through and make this happen. I'm known to talk a big game but when it comes down to it I back out at the last minute. Let's see if I can change that for once.

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This is the first time I've gone to the blogs section. I like writing blogs, because I like talking to myself and never shutting up, basically. xD

So let's see. I'm basically just gonna talk at myself, or talk to nothing. I suppose that's what people tend to do in blogs, really.

I made brownies. They're so much better than my last ones. xD I was talking to an internet person, who I'll call 13512915 or something similar, earlier, and I mentioned I was making brownies and that I figured tonight would be fun. She then said "just brownies, no meds" or something like that.
She then continued to try and talk me out of taking pills today. So now I feel bad for doing it anyway. Like I let her down or did something bad.

And just to make everything worse, this stupid codeine won't kick in! I took about 150mg of it, but nothing is happening! Why?! This is awful. I wanna die. How dare these pills not kick in!! I took twice as much as I usually do!!!

This is so unfair. This is awful. Awful awful awful! What do I do now? Maybe if I walk around a bit that'll make me feel something. That usually helps. But I can't believe this is happening!!!! It's so not fair! Why won't the just kick in? It's been like an hour!!!!!!!!

I hate everything.

hello?

When I lost my best friend Joe in an overdose a little over three months again I have this reminder of why I can not help him and it reminds me of my past quilt, my past deaths that are not able to change. I pray I these things do not exist, and that I must be dreaming. Just in time to wake up with the hard facts, that we all live, we all die. That does not begin to justify what has all happened to a lot of us. In all of my past skeletons, I miss what all of the people meant to me. I was left alone, to fend for me and my daughters in a world that would rather see you die then hear your pain. Like a sea of tears to wide to cross, it scares so maany people away so that help is out of the question in most cases. I just think until we let out our pain to an open ear even if it is just to God or a close friend or to be honest out loud works too, it is then we should find answers. That is not always the case though. There is no answers to life, only ways of survival. How do you survive in a world that would rather eat you then to feed you. Some say with religion, and I am a christian, but it is just not that simple. There is a war on this planet and a lot of times, it is between those that are hurting, and those that are in denial and then the privledged ones. A lot of the ones that really need help is the ones that are to proud or afraid to ask. Not because they think they are better then you, but because the mere thought of another rejection is just to hard to bare, and to do without is easier then to be denied help in your lowest times in life. Sometimes a person is so broken that it takes everything in them to just try to survive.
Sometimes you need to know the worst is over now and you can breathe again. There's so much left to learn, and not many left to fight that are willing to help or make a difference. There is really nothing that can steal your pain, but you. You need to want to release it, and not feel guilty when you let go, or the guilt has a string to it as if when you try to let it go, it still drags you down. Especially when you are in denial about the very thing you are trying to let go. Those are the very things that have the strongest strings attached and drag you harder and faster. You must recongnize what you are releasing so you know that even though it is a part of you, it doesn't have to be you. You can only become all you want and more, if you learn when to acknowledge what you are and where you've been. We can take responsibility without letting it break us down or what was the purpose of surviving. Apparantly we are all here for a reason, why not make the best of it, and stop judging yourself and others. Just learn to learn lessons, not labels yourself as broken, you are not broken you are becoming the person you need to be with the lessons you go through. These things mold you into who and what you are. That is why so many people do not care, because most parents never wanted the kids or the kids were abused to grow up to abuse, and no one takes blame. When we can stop and recognise our weakness and strengths will be able to move forward and find peace.

(Con't from part 1)

Ive been really into Daoism, Traditional Chinese Medicine, and Kung Fu for the last couple of years of life. Its an all encompassing thing. How naive I was to it all in the beginning is a story unto itself, but I feel this path, or this Way perhaps, has kick started my awakening much harder than the acid I took so many years ago (and every year since then! hot damn!). Maybe its both. Real kung fu is like a real heavy trip that lasts forever. Its certainly not always pleasant, but every valuable learning experience aint no walk through candyland. Learning the connection of all animated activity in the Universe is a frightening responsibility. Discovering your own Chi is a salvation like no other. Dont get me wrong, Im all about the Jesus, but I too believe he was a disciple of the Eastern arts. I find the deepest connection between classical Greek stoicism and Zen Buddhism. I feel Marcus Aurelius would have been able to have many a good chat with the likes of Bodhidharma. Learning the body's connection to electromagnetic energies, to the vibrations of the planet we stand on, and pulling energy out of the Earth and atmosphere and into one's self is a beautiful gift. Learning to incorporate the consumption of other energies, such as food, or a woman's essence, into one's self is an entire lifestyle.

So yes, back to this recent documentary on the sex in India. A man made a most deep and intelligent quote, that "...without friction, there can be no exchange of energy. Love must involve friction, the touching of various parts of skin to each other." This ties in so deeply to Daoist sex arts, the art of satisfying a woman's intense sexual energy, without losing the man's energies in the process. We think of friction as a bad thing. Why does it have to be? There is friction when the membranes of the cells of a man's phallus grind against the walls of a woman's "tunnel of enlightenment." There is friction when hands writhe around to the small of each other's backs. There is friction when tounges swim in mouths, and when mouths squeeze down on the most sensitive areas of the body. This friction produces amazing energy. In the west, we are taught to discard it and throw it away. Were taught to pretend that women have inferior energy, and that men should waste theirs indiscriminately. This documentary mainly focused on the rise of sex as Taboo in India, but what I cant believe, is that they diddnt focus on the rise of Western popular culture in india. It all makes sense! The formula of the western media machine is designed to warp humans' notions of sex. Its designed to warp a human's connection to the Allmighty Cosmos. Its designed to cause a delusional world of hate, stress, violence, oppression, and deception masked as liberation and freedom. Its designed to render such friction as foreign, uncomfortable, and awkward. The last thing a population one wishes to control should have control over is their own sexualities. Such is the mark of slavery. So in India, the culture from which the Kama Sutra was created, even mere touching between "unmarried" men and women in public can result in beating without any notion of a trial (we all know it gets far worse in other parts of the world).

Could you imagine, a woman being "free" enough to experience the sexual connection between her soul and another in public? Im not talking about fucking raw dog over a parkbench, I mean holding hands, kissing, expressing beauty. Why is this such a painful sight in many parts of this world today?

We harvest energy from our food, if we choose to. We harvest energy from our exercise if we choose to. In the West, we often choose to not only discard energy when we consume food and exercise, but we often choose to spend and deplete our lifeforce. Sex is the ultimate harvest of energy. The energy to be harvested from multiple women is almost unimaginable, but nature has designed us to certainly require many men to do the job. The notion of sex to be purely contained between two people in the form of marriage is most wholly counter to the direction of our evolution. Humans have become separated and lost from the cosmos in many ways, but the most taboo is our connection to our sexualities. For the powers that control this world today, nothing is more a threat than love. Love, and the exchange of energy between many people, without any grid of control applied.

Its nice growing into an adult. Its nice knowing that youre really the normal one, and everyone else is actually the freak. Its reassuring knowing that Love, Empathy, and Meditation are the right paths, and that the world isnt naturally blind to these things, it has to be taught to be this way.

My arms are sore from crushing a tree with my elbows. My shins are red from beating a steel pipe. My hands are raw from grinding into concrete. My feet throb from kicking bricks. I am discovering the machine I am meant to be. I am waking up to the cosmic vibration this world aims to deny me. I am comfortable with my natural impulses, and affinity for "good giving, and game." We are all tigers and dragons inside of ourselves, waiting to be woken up.

To my husband. Dana Wesson who pasted in 1998.
You are on my mind hard today, so I wanted to write this out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTKZ-GUefVM

Ani DiFranco - Pulse

you crawled into my bed that night
like some sort of giant insect
and i found myself spellbound
at the sight of you,
beautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuff
bluffing your way into my mouth
behind my teeth, reaching for my scars-
that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

that night you leaned over
and threw up into your hair
and i held you there, thinking-
i would offer you my.....pulse
if i thought it would be useful
i would give you my breath,
except,
the problem with death
is that we have some hundred years
and then they can build buildings on our only bones
100 years, and then your grave is not your own
and we lie in out beds, and our graves
unable to save ourselves
from the quaint tragedies we invent- and undo,
from the stupid circumstances we slalom through

and i realized that night that the hall light,
which seemed so bright when you turned it on,
is nothing-
compared to the dawn
which is nothing-
compared to the light
which seeps from you while you're sleeping,
cocooned in my room-
beautiful and grotesque,
resting

that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

i thought-
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath

Just a thought. Has anyone one of you ever really thought about the changes we all go through? Like how all of our hearts change with experience. This song by Evanescence, makes me think. Read this and go into deep thought for me and really try to remember things. Things that really only our innocent side of ourselves remember. Real forgiveness. Get back in touch with our inner child.


Fields Of Innocence

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
oh I...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
oh why...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything


Ever just feel like you have lost some of your heart by cold truths of the world. Ever want to find your heart. I want to try to go back to when it was taken and find ways of slowly making it return to me. I often wonder where my own heart has gone. I try to go back to when I felt I lost it, and I am still trapped in unknowns. I am the stranger within myself. So I need to remember where my heart is and get it back, and I would help anyone else who wants to do this very same thing. Anyone ever feel like this? I am trying to remember...... why I am afraid to fight back really anymore. I need to stop trying to escape my problems by burying them instead of facing them. Lets face them together. It will help me still see the good in people, and some of you as well. I wonder if I am alone in how I feel...... Lets see how this turn of events go. I hate feeling like a stranger, I want to believe in everything.

I have this feeling like I was put on this earth to do something big to fight for a cause to make a differance to help people. I know many people have such delusions of granduer but what seperates them from the people who do make a differance? For every Nat Turner there a million nameless dead revolutionarys who made fuck all of a differance. I see this country falling farther and farther towards facism and I feel compelled to make a stand draw that line in the sand I dont even necessarily mean violently but I also am beginning to understand that violence and power is all that many humans understand as Moa said power is derived from the barrel of a gun. I know there is something to be said about being a good person and helping those around you as best you can and just trying to weather the storm of things that seem to be out of your control but, at the same time I feel as if its a copout. It seems we are living in a transitional time and its very possible that what we choose to do today will have reprocussions on the very fate of humanity.

edit wanted to make clear that I am not advocating unprovoked violence.

I've been putting off writing this blog, even though I know I need to. Everytime I go to write it, it's like I get a mental block or something. But I'm going to force myself to write it anyways, since it's the reason I might be disappearing for short (but random) periods of time.

Most of you already know I suffered a minor concussion 3 weeks ago. Something happened Friday night that I've been shying away from talking about it for obvious reasons. My best friend of 6 years, Giselle, knew I had a concussion and was still recovering. After coming back from the party we were at, I went to her bathroom to lay down on the tile. She came in after a while, saying her boyfriend needed to use it. I told her to give me a minute. She made some stupid comment about me wanting to see her boyfriend in the bathroom and said "Get the fuck up now." I told her she was acting like a bitch, she grabbed me by the hair, I bit her leg to try to get her to let go, she starting pounding my head in, and I don't remember anything after that. Except I came to at one point and felt something wet coming out of my ear, and hearing small snatches of "I'm going to fucking kill you", "Fucking bitch", etc. Some part of my brain registered that I was bleeding out of my ear, and that this was bad. I said something along the lines of, "There's blood coming out of my ear, I need someone to call an ambulance." I noticed her start focusing on hitting that ear and my original concussion site before I lost consciousness again; the bitch was literally trying to kill me. I don't remember anything else, the things I do remember (which isn't much during or after the attack), seem far away and blurry.

My friend said her boyfriend pulled her off of me shortly after I said that... I guess he finally decided to take note of the fact that I was already unconscious. It pisses me the fuck off that they were watching and didn't do anything. She was pounding my head in for about 10 minutes before anyone did anything, and it was only because I was able to come to for a few seconds and say that I needed medical attention. I cannot wrap my head around this. I feel a lot of rage lapping at the surface though, but I'm shying away from it. My friend also told me later that she pushed me into a glass table, which broke. He also mentioned she almost killed me, and I had to bite my tongue from asking him why the fuck he let it go on for so long then. Honestly, I want to know what she had to prove by doing this to someone ten times smaller than her. The crazy bitch is 22, almost 23 years old. It's not high school. In the adult/professional world, things like this just make you look trashy. I'm really little - everyone knows I wouldn't win most fights, and I'll be the first to admit it - so what the fuck is the point of attacking me?

The ambulance took me to the ER and the police came, both of which I don't remember. I have a ruptured eardrum, hearing loss in my left ear, a concussion on top of a concussion & all of the post-concussive symptoms that come with it x 10, bruises and cuts all over my body (from the table?), my entire face is swollen, my jaw is fucked up and I can't chew or open my mouth without being in excruciating pain, bumps all over my head and forehead, and scratches all over my face and neck. As far as the actions I'm taking against her: I'm pressing charges - it's being sent up to the D.A. and treated as an attempted murder case and suing the shit out of her. She also works for my therapist, so I called him to let him know what happened and that I refused to continue seeing him if she worked there. He said he would speak to her about it, but he wants to hear her side of the story first. BTW, I don't know what the fuck he needs to speak to her about - she almost killed one of his clients - that should be grounds for termination in and of itself. IT'S A GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE. Why would you let someone work there who has caused one of your clients extreme physical and PSYCHOLOGICAL trauma? I don't get it. And right now, I really need to talk to him more than ever. What the FUCK.

See, this is why I haven't been talking about it. Because when I talk about it, I have to think about it. And when I think about it, I have to acknowledge it actually happened... which means acknowledging how close I was to dying that night... that my best friend is the one who almost caused it... that no one watching cared enough to act sooner... and that it's highly possible no one else cares whether I live or die either. I don't want to accept these things or deal with those feelings yet. But I know that at some point, I'm going to have to allow myself to truly accept these things... the fact that I almost died is the big one that keeps trying to push through, but I'm not letting myself go there yet. It's also hard knowing that no one really cares what I'm dealing with. My family isn't being supportive at all. I'm just putting it off, I guess because I know that it's going to completely pull me under and I'm going to be in a very dark and lonely place. Last time I dealt with something traumatic, it took me a year, and I came out of it with a whole new set of distrust towards people and pretty severe PTSD. And that's what pulled me into addiction in the first place; I'm barely just getting my life back on track. I think that's why I'm putting it off for so long. I have no idea how this is truly going to affect me and I'm scared to find out.

But at least I have Bluelight this time. I feel more comfortable here right now. Probably because I know I can't trust anyone. People in my life say they care, but I don't believe them anymore. How do I know that everyone isn't harboring some sort of secret, irrational resentment towards me, and they're not all just waiting for the perfect opportunity to act on it? I mean, I didn't know that my "best friend" of 6 years secretly hated me so much as to not care that she was literally killing me... all because she was irrationally jealous. If anything, I was extra careful around him - I've been walking on eggshells around him for two years, ever since she punched me in the face for accidentally walking in on him in the bathroom two years ago when I was drunk. I've been more careful than I should have had to be around my "best friend's" boyfriend, even though she knows perfectly well that I have never in my life gone after ANY of my friend's boyfriends (even though she's done it to me twice). And yet her other friends slap his ass and she doesn't do shit. WTF.

But she's really pretty too... if you take away her ugly personality... so I don't understand it. People have always said I'm prettier than her, but never around her, and I always thought we were equal as far as looks go. I never said or did anything to make her feel like I thought I was better than her in any way. I always complimented her and stuff. Even if I did think that, I'm not a stuck up bitch and wouldn't show it (although she is), because looks aren't everything (obviously). So I can't understand her jealousy, although I keep trying to. I've never gone after any of my friend's boyfriends, never gave her a reason to feel jealous or insecure... idk her jealousy regarding me and her boyfriend is just completely fucking irrational to me.

Anyway my mind is starting to race and I don't like where it's heading, so I'm done. I didn't mean to turn this into a huge rant. I just wanted to say that between ER visits, doctor visits, figuring out what the fuck I'm going to do about therapy, legal stuff... and I also go over to my grandma's everyday for four hours to watch her in between when her caregivers are there, and her community doesn't have WiFi... things are kind of hectic to say the least.

Also, despite the tone of this blog, I don't want anyone to think I'm suicidal. I know I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I can have a great future ahead of me if I want to. And that's more than enough to keep me going. So please don't freak out and think I'm suicidal. I'm not. I promise.

Anyway. I'm still going to work on my mod stuff whenever I can. I'm not planning on stepping down or needing a break. I like being a mod. It's nice to know that I'm doing something right somewhere, at least, and I like helping people. That's not going to change, no matter how I feel or what's going on in my life. I just wanted everyone to know that.

I've tried to do "talk" therapy a few times since my mother died. My therapists were always older Jewish women. I suppose I saw them as surrogate mother-types. I never really clicked with any of them and stopped going after a few sessions. I did 10 sessions with a counselor at my college a few years ago, right before I started working. The therapist was a younger white woman, someone in my "demographic" but not really from a similar background. She probably was the most helpful out of any of the therapists I've had but it wasn't meant to be a long term thing anyway.

So yesterday I found myself in another therapist's office, telling him my tired old story. Boo hoo, let it out, I can't really cry anymore. I'm just stating facts. A, B and C happened and caused X, Y and Z. Am I hopeless, Doc?

This current therapist happens to work in the same office as my psychiatrist. I'd had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. I went in while I was on 40mgs of Vicodin... not enough to be nodding out but enough for me to be more open with him. As it happened, the therapist was there and my P-doc introduced me to him and we set up an intake appointment then and there. It wasn't until that night I started freaking out about what I got myself into. First of all, this therapist is male. I had reservations about the appointment and wasn't going to go... but in the end I did end up going. I was on 15mg of oxycodone so I wouldn't be w/ding and also just enough to allow me to be more open to this man whom I'd only met 2 days before.

I feel like I will go back on a weekly basis and see if anything comes of it...

I don't know how honest I should be about my drug use because I don't want to lose my clonazepam prescription because, for one, I truly do need it and for two, I don't think I could go through benzo withdrawal at the moment... not strong enough... I guess we'll see in the coming weeks how this all turns out.

Does anyone know where to order tramadol online? I want to find a legit scam-free site but there's so many out there. Not sure if anyone knows a site they can refer me to, thanks!

It takes a lot to suprise me at this point but lo and behold...One of the Infantry Battalions that I work closely with is the 36th. I get a text this morning telling me that the EXO, or 2nd in charge of the 36th, was popped at 2AM earlier this morning. Some guy got kidnapped on Monday and this asshole was part of a family operation. They had gone to pick up P5 million (about 110K American).

The police in Cagayan del Oro City, joined by the police from the victim's hometown, Marawi City, rolled up on the fool. He was in his Mitsubishi sedan, with two cousins, and a corporal riding a Honda XRM, a motorcycle. As the police motioned for the Major to pull over he guns the engine and both cousins pull 45s, began shooting at the police as they speed down Masterson Avenue, this major thoroughfare outside Camp Evangelista, the 4ID Headquarters where this guy lived in the Officer Quarters.

The Major pulled over in front of S and M, a mall, and ended up wounded in the firefight, as did one cousin. His CO, a guy I'm friendly with, Lieutenant Canete, goes to the police station and asshole says he just wanted to treat his cousins to burgers but then they all decided they had a hankering for pizza instead, hence their being at S and M, which is about the only place to get a decent slice here abouts. In his off time he directs the 4ID Band and plays the trombone.

I don't know why militaries dig brass bands. My brigade, NACHAL- usually mistransliterated as "Nahal" in English- is famous in Israel. They forced me to learn to play the Bass Clef Baritone Horn. Our scale is the same as the trombone...Go figure. As soon as I made NCO at age 17 I kissed that semi-retarded shit goodbye.

A big giant brass fart but the IDF takes that shit seriously- or used to. Ahhh young people have no idea how easy they have it hahaha.

It's been a week since I arrived in London. I can't get used to the city. Not that I get lost all the time, it's just the "atmosphere". Something totally unlike Budapest or Prague for instance where I felt like at home.

Besides, I can't get any contact for some weed which I desperately need. I would give some methadone for a few joints. Meanwhile, I'm still on my methadone. Well, it's quite interesting I'm almost fine with my regular dose after the recent binge on levorphanol, pentamorphone, and 6-methyldihydromorphine among others. It's probably the pressure and the climate generally. It's over 1020 hPa all the time here and I used to live over 300 meters above sea level and both my BP and my pulse have always been low. Anyway, it still isn't enough to feel good enough to make a few calls to apply for a job...

And, God, everything's here so dirt-cheap when you compare salary / prices, totally unlike Poland where everything is so expensive. But firstly you need to have a job, even some 7-8 pounds an hour.

Oh, and by the way my manic episode ended and I'm depressive again. I wished I knew how long it's going to last for. Really, a few hits of marihuana would help me look more happy on the streets etc. Damned methadone is so dull that no matter the dose I can't get my mood on a normal level. Again, I started popping more clonazepam. I also have some estazolam with me, I know there's no medication in the UK containing it. Besides, I actually can't go to any doctor 'cause my insurance ceases to be valid at the beginning of December.

I'm seriously thinking about going back to that Polish land where all that's left for you is dying. There's no work in Poland, nobody wanted me on the MMT because all 10 programs are full and have long queues. At least my psychiatrist isn't against me and prescribed me as much clonazepam as she might so I'm good for 3 months (well, if I don't overdo it, and I already do).

To sum it up, it was supposed to be much better but hey, this is life, I just had to get this fucking depressive episode just before my flight to London. Shit... I guess I'll visit all the places I wanted to go in London and I will pack my bag and find some cheap ticket back to Poland. I wish I were so successful as some people are here and they don't even speak a word in English. What for do I need my English if I can't use it for a good purpose?! How is it going to help me if this terrible anxiety ruins everything. Sure, I admit my drug usage contributed a lot to my anxiety, I'm not lying to myself.

Sometimes I even think about getting some fix, sometimes I feel so depressed I know I could use some opioid i.v.'ed. It could be even heroin although I'm really fond of it and prefer morphine, levorphanol, or some dextromoramide to it.

Beautiful long black hair flows down to her shoulders while her icy, yet warm, blue eyes captivate you and for a moment even draws from the natural temptation of our gender to stare at their breasts.

She's spent six hours a day texting you for the past month, and now you finally sit across from each other at the Wild Wings down the street from her house but miles from yours. "Why the fuck did I drive all the way to this side of town for a taken woman," you question yourself idly in the back of your mind. "But she's so beautiful, and it seems like he's not doing it for her," responds the dark side of your conscience.

She's got her issues like the rest of them, but she's into dope, she's got her own house, car, job, complete independence. The guy's been hanging around for three and a half years and she's already turned down one wedding proposal.

As you sneak into the mens room after throwing your hoodie over her head to conceal her gender as best as you can to blow a roxy at the sink, you catch your first glimpse of that low hanging but perfectly formed ass, and all of a sudden, every bit of morality about not stealing a taken woman is out the window.

Forbidden fruit hangs low. More as this developing story continues. Wish your boy luck, he's going for the steal.