I miss you so much. Just wanted to write it out.

To my husband. Dana Wesson who pasted in 1998.
You are on my mind hard today, so I wanted to write this out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTKZ-GUefVM

Ani DiFranco - Pulse

you crawled into my bed that night
like some sort of giant insect
and i found myself spellbound
at the sight of you,
beautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuff
bluffing your way into my mouth
behind my teeth, reaching for my scars-
that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

that night you leaned over
and threw up into your hair
and i held you there, thinking-
i would offer you my.....pulse
if i thought it would be useful
i would give you my breath,
except,
the problem with death
is that we have some hundred years
and then they can build buildings on our only bones
100 years, and then your grave is not your own
and we lie in out beds, and our graves
unable to save ourselves
from the quaint tragedies we invent- and undo,
from the stupid circumstances we slalom through

and i realized that night that the hall light,
which seemed so bright when you turned it on,
is nothing-
compared to the dawn
which is nothing-
compared to the light
which seeps from you while you're sleeping,
cocooned in my room-
beautiful and grotesque,
resting

that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

i thought-
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath

 

The last stanza says it all, stella. This poem paints the same picture of that physical level of grief:

One Sand Grain Amongst The Others in a Winter Wind

I wake with my hand held over the place of grief in my body.
" Depend on nothing," the voice advises, but even that is useless.
My ears are useless, my familiar and intimate tongue.
My protecting hand is useless, that wants to hold the single leaf to the tree
and say, Not this one, this one will be saved.

by Jane Hirshfield

My heart goes out to you as one who knows that grief. I am so sorry.

 

^ Getting to know you on this board has touched me in a way that I didn't expect. I got to see your grief with your son and how you and your husband and remaining son cope. I can say that you are doing so much good by sharing your experience because most of the ones in our position just crawl in a ball and want to die or just be alone. Even though we still have these times we also reach out when it is possible and within our strength. It is these things I see in you that help me to continue to share, and know I am not alone, and there is life after our loved ones pass. Now I can have friends that understand my struggle and I can maybe try things you have tried in the hopes of some comfort or some relief. Since that seems to come so far and inbetween. Stay strong beautiful soul and I will try and do the same. PM me if you need someone to talk too. It feels like the more I can help others it takes away some of my pain and for a moment it isn't about me or my losses. In no way am I perfect but I am just trying to do the next best thing I can, to do the right things in my situation. Love and light to you good friend. May you never feel alone because your not.