Blogs

Needless to say, Joysa hates me, and to be honest I dont blame her but we love who we love. I was never big on faking emotion and now that I am firmly entrenched in middle age I feel t hat with the clock winding down I will only worry about things I can control. I didnt see a future with Joysa and in the end, at age 23, she will barely remember who I am soon enough.

I therefore began 2012 on the right foot, involved only with Lovely. In February we ran into some major difficulties and although we managed to endire, April brought even worse problems. From April until the first week in July we went through one major issue after another. Finally, on July 6th, we called it quits. Usually Im 100% open about everything in this Blog but just as when Rizza and I imploded, it sometimes takes a bit of time before I can manage to discuss it with at least a modicum of objectivity. At this point it is still too raw of a wound to put it on display.

On July 8th, probably due to stress from the breakup, one of the metal fragments in my sinuses-bullet fragments-caused me a nasty bout of Sepsis. Without tossing about technical labels, there are two forms. I had the form presenting as super low body temp and dangerously low blood pressure. To make a long story short I nearly died twice and was hospitalised in Butuan until July 22nd.

Lovely had been spirited away by her parents on a week holiday as they tried all sorts of things to get her to stop crying over the breakup. Returning home July 9th she thought I had simply walked away from it all without a word. It wasnt until July 26th that she was able to discover what had happened but by then I had already flown to New York City, my current location, in hopes of getting some first class medical care, my concern being my liver due to Hepatitis C.

Im back at my friend's flat, finishing up my tests, just about back to full strength. I have had to switch from morphine back to methadone, 220 mgs, but I often prefer methadone anyway.

Lovely and I talj online every couple of days now and things are in stasis until I return to Mindanao, though Im not thinking that far ahead at the moment.

On amazon I'm looking for a car air freshener, and the whole category is populated by vaporizers. wtf? Do they really think that's going to keep amazon from removing them if they want to?

Fine by me -- I get paid next Friday!

I just need to keep myself well until then... urgh.

Work is fine, though. I'm sure it'd be much better on heroin... bleh. Save the heroin for after work. Last thing I want to do is get caught using heroin at work. Plus the bathrooms fucking suck... I'm going to have to think of something genius.

All this vegan food is killing me. Not that it's bad, per se, but my poor stomach

OH WELL... gotta go to sleep or I'll be late for work... again... that's not a good look...

It’s a tragic story. Beautiful girl meets drugs.

Watch us fade away...





You have such a pretty face, have you considered dieting? You are so thin, have you considered modelling?

Im feeling tired again its the kind of tired that cant be shaken off with a good rowdy song. Its gotta be the lack of seratonin my brain just doesn't respond as well to trips and rolls as it used to. I think I averted an addiction to kolonopin by stopping my intake just in the nick of time. So instead im railing sunoxone and taking g bongs lol but hey I shouldnt complain I dont have cancer, hiv, hep c, or anything else wrong apparently. I have got a nice house to live in a huge nice mac computer im typing this on with radiohead streaming over my super fast connection. Maybe I should go to the bar and get wasted? Maybe I should enjoy this moment for what it is instead of always bitching and being miserable. But the one thing im sure of is that im done being a junky that life just doesnt hold any fun for me anymore its a grind, I hate waitin at the gas stations and ghetto apartments all amped up butterflys on the stomach will he show? will it be good? will the narcos roll on me? not fucking worth it. I never thought I would write that in my blog but its how I feel and its a feeling that has been building for a couple years.

So I dunno bluelight who am i? College student? drug addict? liar? theif? junky? mentally ill? young? passionate? political? genius? revolutionary? I want to be someone and im willing to die trying because I have realized that this is all so pointless. So I dunno I just want to help those who hurt like me.

Deleted

My catwalk models in AALLL their glory





The Paparazzi!

back to the models

As some of you may know, my best friend Dylan Blair Breternitz was shot on Christmas of 2011, he died a day later. It sucks losing the best friend you have ever had, to put it lightly.. but all you can do is honor him and move along with your life. after he passed i was in a very bad place. i was already strung out on dope and depressed. and when he died it made it worse. i spiraled around the drain for a while, barely hanging on. Having to pay the dope man every day to stay "well". if i couldnt come up with the $ i would break down, and cry, because the withdrawals were that bad.. soon i would be throwing up constantly, and even throwing up and shitting at the same time. It At this point in my heroin career, i was using so i would not get sick. at first it was for that high, and i still did enjoy getting high, but the main reason i used was so i wouldnt get deathly ill.

But, I could only take so much abuse. On May 22 of 2012, i finally was intaked into the methadone maintenance program. at this point, i was at my wits end. i had tried to quit countless times, had However, the methadone worked like a charm! Now im not blowing all my $ on dope, as a matter of fact, i have only used once since ive been on the program, which is good for me . also i am getting my health and my self esteem back, as well as my self respect. so things are going very well now. i still have my hardships, but nothing like the hell i endured.

all the while, the void from my friend's death is still gaping. anyways, i was on facebook yesterday, and i visited his page to look at his p ictures and reminisce. and i had forgotten his birthday had passed, it is on july 2. so i post on his wall, wishing my brother a happy belated birthday, and that i alwaays love him. i thought that it was kind of silly, because, hell, who's gonna read it? certainly not Dylan, right? Thats what you would think....

But today he sent me a message from beyond. I am certain of it, convinced. right after i wished him a happy birthday, a red rose grew on my rose bush. this may seem insignificant, but this bush's roses are always purple. its never been red once, save for now. Also, the rose bush is significant. Dylan used to live at my house, in the guest house. the bush is right by the guest house, and right by where we always hung out. Also, there was a marijuana plant growing that Dylan had planted. We would water it and take care of it, and have a chuckle about it since it was in plain sight, and growing to be quite the strapping marijuana plant. eventually i had to get rid of it, when the swat team pulled up to my house and i just about shit my pants. i ran out there, tore it out of the ground, and buried it. the end of the plant.

Anyways, that red rose has Dylan's name on it. I know its him. the only red rose ever, right after his birthday, on his favorite rose bush. it makes me happy and relieved to know hes there, that there is life after death.

it was my birthday this week. 26 years old. damn!
enjoyed the meal and cocktails and the bbq with friends the day after. swimming yesterday and walks in the park. its been an active week. i like weeks like this. it gives me motivation and lets face it, i dont see much of that lately. i'm lazy!
not liking the recent arguments with "the one" though. dunno why its occurring but i dont like it.
maybe we need space? its not us. we are usually so strong and understanding of each other. he is my rock. it will get better. i will do everything in my power to make it better anyway. i just hope he does too..
maybe its cos i really need to book this holiday and i can't. i am beginning to slip under the currents of life. i feel like i am drowning among all the shit. no sleep, no money. anxiety is at an all time high. i need to recharge my batteries. get away from it all, sun it the fuck up!
maybe one day i will pluck up the courage to see someone about my mental shit. not that its ever worked in the past though. i must have "druggy" written on my head cos they wont prescribe shit! aaah well....
just gotta keep plodding on....as boring as it is.....
i have stopped going out, rarely drink and stim use is monthly at most, shame its the shitty mcat tho. would kill for some MDMA, never cared much for speed but i have taken my fair share of it..and damn i miss coke! if i were to ever get addicted to anything, that would be it. thats why i had to say goodbye....so i am being quite good with the uppers mainly because i cant stand comedowns. i feel like ending it all....my pure hell! problem is tho i like the benzo's. etizolam are probably not the best ones going but they certainly do the job, help me relax, help me sleep. good job i am shit scared of withdrawals to be fair or i would be taking them a hell of a lot more.... they may seem like little wonder pills but i know better.
where did i make the transition from uppers to downers? its not just the etizolam, its codeine, sleepers....what ever i can get my hands on for a good nights sleep. not good i am aware but 16 years of on/off insomnia is just bad!

i miss the days where i used to love music. i feel too much like a grown up now.

It was a dance that I went to on Saturday night.
It was a dance that I went to, but I wasn’t dancing.
I said hello to this young man, just to be polite.
We were only stangers with no intentions of romancing.
We talked about things that strangers talk about.
I thought you were cute, you had a kid eye.
The music was quite loud so we had to shout.
I tried to make conversation as long as I could, gentleman are hard to come buy.
The crowd was full of drunks and young lovers, hugging and kissing and loving each other.
I pretended not to notice that he was standing closer to me with each sentence he spoke.
He gave me butterflies so I smoked my cancer sticks and kept them coming one after another.
No guy of his stature has ever showed intrest in me, so I kept waiting for the punchline of the joke.
“Would you like to dance”? He said as he inched even closer to me.
Young men didn’t consider me pretty, they only considered me fat.
I declined his offer, because I didn’t know how. You see…
No young man has ever offered me that.
But then the music slowed and soon he had his hands on my hips.
Past exeperinces have kept me away from any intamicy like this.
It wasn’t long before we stopped talking with our words, only our lips.
Words weren’t as important as his soft kiss.
I gave him my number, he promised he’d call.
But if he doesn’t, I won’t be upset.
I was a victum of sexual abuse, and he showed me that I could still kiss young men after all.
I left the dance with no regrets.

So I decided earlier today to drink a cup of coffee. I rarely take caffeine due to effect it has on my anxiety. I wanted to drink it to see if it would improve my concentration/productivity while studyinf. I drank a big cup of espresso strentgth coffee and then I drank about 100ml of vodka and began studying. An hour later I started to few anxiety even with alcohol running in my blood. I drank a little more and resumed studying. Another hour later de anxiety resurfaced again. I drank more and some time later took my dogs for a long walk. I was feeling very well. Until the alcohol began to wear off again. I`m feeling a little hungover and shaky now 6 hours later from the cup of coffee.
Caffeine makes me feel shitty all over. It didnt make any noticeable effect on my productivity

I am currently maintained on methadone that I procured illicitly but it was quite necessary as I've been doing lots of dope.

I actually got a really kick ass job. I already did the new hire paper work now I have to wait for them to do my background check and tell me when to come in for orientation. I feel so lucky. I won't fuck this up!!! Too much depends on me keeping this job. Seriously.

So my anxiety is through the roof. I can't wait to go to therapy on Wednesday actually... exciting. Like for real. I really get along with my therapist. I dunno what it is. It's good though. Probably the best thing that's happened in a while... and the job thing. That was good too.

My psychiatrist is a fucking idiot who spelled my name 3 different ways. I told the fucker to write new prescriptions because the pharmacy won't fill them. They're not even controlled substances. What the fuck. I thought he was fucking with me. HE FUCKED UP. NOT ME. God forbid you have to tear up your $1/sheet DEA prescription pad paper and SPELL MY NAME CORRECTLY. I am changing doctors ASAP. Dumb fuck! Blaming everyone else but himself. This is the THIRD TIME, for fuck's sake. Blame it on your receptionist, blame it on the pharmacist, blame it on me... God forbid you blame it on yourself because that's who did it!!!

Jesus fuck... ANYWAY.

I cannot fuck this up. I will not fuck this up. I cannot, I will not .. fuck this up. I got this.

Even though my drug use has been pretty bad I've actually been being super productive. It seems as of I am always doing something to better myself lately rather than fuck with my friends and just score drugs. I got extra hours at work and have been even picking up hours for others so my paychecks have been pretty fat, now that's the shit I like... I also even took my placement test for college yesterday and am scheduled to pick out my classes. Oddly, I have become excited over the fact that I'm going back to school since I feel as if I've been wasting away more than ever. I'm actually proud of myself for once and it was good to see my mom so happy for me that she cried tears of joy. I know she wants the best for me and she'd rather know that I am trying to better myself and my life instead of doing heroin or other shit. I don't want to only be able to tell my mother that I do heroin and fucked up again. Instead I want to tell her about what I'm accomplishing that is actually worth even stating, I hate just telling her shit that breaks her heart. Yeah, I'm fucking with heroin and shit still which I haven't let on but everytime I use o have a feeling she knows, she probably does. Damn I'm starting to think I need to get clean again but I'm not going to.... I'm not going to lie to myself and try to deny the fact I want to use heroin but I know its not going to help things. I'm better off just smoking weed but once you start using heroin its all you can think about at times even though you try to tell yourself you dont need or crave it.

http://imgur.com/a/i8eqJ WARNING IT'S FUCKING WEIRD

Well ok it's several pictures, but hypothetically you could merge them into one. I've never seen anything more fucked up and weird. It's like Matt Groening turned emo, schizophrenic, and got hammered before doing an episode. (the first part is spongebob, second is simpsons)

...

...

I've been unable to maintain my sobriety and have relapsed after a couple of weeks clean.

I don't feel like a failure, for some reason. I know I should feel worse. But I don't. I feel like a human being again. Popping these pills.

I don't think it's possible for me to stay clean. Getting clean is easy. Staying clean is hard. I've found out I have more friends than I thought I did. Friends who do not use. Friends who give a fuck if I live or die.

But I don't care if I live or not.

I want to get away.

That would involve getting back together with my ex-boyfriend and leaving my wonderful girlfriend and brother and moving out west and pretending to want to be with him. I'd be away from all drugs except for alcohol of course -- you don't drink water in the desert, you drink vodka.

My ex-boyfriend broke my heart into a million little pieces and blamed me for it. He blamed his friends and his brother for making the decision to break up with me for him. He's easily influenced by others. He thinks he can be a writer or a Nurse. But he's stupid as fuck. He might as well just quit while he's ahead. He's been in college for over 7 years with nothing to show for it except for his parents being that much poorer. He's never shown much interest in whether I was dead or alive, just whether or not I wanted to fuck. I don't care. I'll lie back and tell him what a big fucking man he is and how much I love his cock. It's all the same to me. At least my body will derive pleasure for someone. It certainly hasn't done much for me.

But I hate my ex. I hate his fucking guts.

He's a coward. Too sensitive. Indecisive. Small-minded. Needy, nerdy, useless. He needs to be coddled. I can't stand it. He is Everything I hate in a man. Hell, everything I hate in a human being. But I'm certain if I acted enough, he'd let me come out and stay with him. I don't want to leave my girlfriend, but I need to leave this place. I need to leave drugs. Pills and pot and heroin and cocaine. I need to leave New York City. I know this is a fucked up thing to do to someone. I need to be selfish, though. I need to get away. It's my ticket out of this hellhole. Into another hellhole, but one without drugs. Maybe I can learn.

Maybe I am just sick in the head and want to drag others down with me.

Here we go again.

It's the same thing every time. For those who are predictable, you will either like them or dislike them. You won't expect them to change. You don't think you'll even be able to like that person. What he did in the past is a precursor to what he will do, eventually. It's inevitable, right? Of course he'll do the exact same thing that put him in a hole in the first place. He'll expect a different outcome, won't receive it, then will slowly get frustrated. ... Right?

What about those who aren't predictable? Those who do something once, learn from it, then vow never to repeat the action, taking a different course on the path. When we see these people, most of us want nothing to do with them. "Too unpredictable" becomes "dangerous". So you won't like that person anyway.

Are we limiting our interactions with others? Are we putting too many limits on their capabilities to become mature, honest human beings? Hell, are we even trying to help anyone else to see the error of their ways? Or do we just continue to berate and expound our hidden hatred on the people that we could be helping?

I have nothing to day in the day, no worries whatsoever, and I remember doing Memantine regularly a year ago; it completely changed me, very high doses induced a weird mini Ketamine state in which I was constantly in a loop, not a pleasant sensation; moderate doses made me much more sympathetic to others, helped with my memory a lot, I began to had that feeling of order everything, finish every task I had (from reading a book, cleaning my room to finish a videogame), always forget a direction, telephone number, name,etc. and strongly improved my performance at logical tasks.
I want to achieve a similar high today, mixing Lyrica in the combo because I know Memantine is synergistic with the stuff, and I have some nerve pain.

T - 00. Did 2 pills (20mg) of Ebixa, 3 pills (225mg) of Lyrica, and 500mg of Naprux (Naproxen) to increase the bioavailability of the Lyrica. All was taken with a can of Red Bull.

T + 30'. Browsing some articles like this "Cognition-enhancing and anxiolytic effects of memantine." I decided to take another 10mg of Ebixa.

T + 50'. I'm starting to feel... weird. Cannot describe what, but something feels like out of place. And my eyes are a little foggy? I don't know. It's like... err.. I can project better the things in my mind.... but that description it's so subjective.

T + 1.20'. I feel a little more warm. I definitely can feel an urge to do things (just take some pictures of my balcony for no reason), and music would seem to sound rhythmically better. Lastly I have moderate appetite because of the Lyrica, but will try not eat any bread or meat, just a little chocolate maybe. I'm also taking a caffeinated Aspirin to improve blood flow an pain management.

T + 2. I'm feeling pretty good; alert, determinant, and with a weird feeling in my head. I'm extremely hungry, so I'll eat a very small sandwich, and also take one more pill of Ebixa, reaching the 40mg. I won't go any further than this today.

T + 3. I played Battlefield 3 for a whole hour and had a very good match. I was very focused in the game. Also, the Lyrica keeps making me hungry so I ate some chocolate. I'm feeling.. good, feeling some pleasure around the body.... it's kinda weird, like if I would be opiated.. only I'm not.
I know it's because of the Lyrica but the Ebixa is definitely doing something that I still can't figure it out.
I may get some Codeine in a few hours....

T + 6?. I don't know how much time have passed, BUT, I felt cold and sleepy, and went to bed, but couldn't sleep, so I woke up and bought some Codeine, Carisoprodol (SOMA), and Provigil(Modafinil).
I also bought 3 grapefruit which I filtered in a machine to make it juice. You know what I mean, to improve the Codeine absorption. Now I feel foggy, I don't think it's the Lyrica, it's something else, like the Ebixa.
I feel fine tough.

Some of you may remember my post in the dark side a while ago, I don't remember how long but I think it was more than a year, possibly almost 2 years ago. 1/3 of people think I'm too nice and never say "Hey wanna go to John's party?" and 2/3 say I'm too mean, but I honestly believe some people are put off by my intelligence--which you wouldn't believe I have from some of my forum posts-- and the possible 10% remaining I don't get along with just because of their personality so fuck 'em anyway. About a year ago my only real friend left stopped talking to me after he moved and was consumed by Douchington City, USA. I got over that after a few months.

I'm considering taking a year off college to just get out and do something and see what happens. But what happens if nothing changes? I'm out $50,000 (at least) and a year of my life. I don't know what to do, who to trust, or why I should care anymore.

I walked away from my job over a year ago. I been unemployed ever since and it sucks...but Im pretty sure my job was worse. I would have lost my mind had I continued to work there.
In the same week my gf left me, which was a huge blow to my ego because I wanted to be the one who would walk away. And she did first. I spent months in regretting the time I wasted (was only a few months).
Now Im walking away from all my so-called friends.
The next step is getting away from my family and my house.
I feel incredibly lonely and scared....but I think Im heading the right direction regardless.

...

...