Blogs

it was my birthday this week. 26 years old. damn!
enjoyed the meal and cocktails and the bbq with friends the day after. swimming yesterday and walks in the park. its been an active week. i like weeks like this. it gives me motivation and lets face it, i dont see much of that lately. i'm lazy!
not liking the recent arguments with "the one" though. dunno why its occurring but i dont like it.
maybe we need space? its not us. we are usually so strong and understanding of each other. he is my rock. it will get better. i will do everything in my power to make it better anyway. i just hope he does too..
maybe its cos i really need to book this holiday and i can't. i am beginning to slip under the currents of life. i feel like i am drowning among all the shit. no sleep, no money. anxiety is at an all time high. i need to recharge my batteries. get away from it all, sun it the fuck up!
maybe one day i will pluck up the courage to see someone about my mental shit. not that its ever worked in the past though. i must have "druggy" written on my head cos they wont prescribe shit! aaah well....
just gotta keep plodding on....as boring as it is.....
i have stopped going out, rarely drink and stim use is monthly at most, shame its the shitty mcat tho. would kill for some MDMA, never cared much for speed but i have taken my fair share of it..and damn i miss coke! if i were to ever get addicted to anything, that would be it. thats why i had to say goodbye....so i am being quite good with the uppers mainly because i cant stand comedowns. i feel like ending it all....my pure hell! problem is tho i like the benzo's. etizolam are probably not the best ones going but they certainly do the job, help me relax, help me sleep. good job i am shit scared of withdrawals to be fair or i would be taking them a hell of a lot more.... they may seem like little wonder pills but i know better.
where did i make the transition from uppers to downers? its not just the etizolam, its codeine, sleepers....what ever i can get my hands on for a good nights sleep. not good i am aware but 16 years of on/off insomnia is just bad!

i miss the days where i used to love music. i feel too much like a grown up now.

It was a dance that I went to on Saturday night.
It was a dance that I went to, but I wasn’t dancing.
I said hello to this young man, just to be polite.
We were only stangers with no intentions of romancing.
We talked about things that strangers talk about.
I thought you were cute, you had a kid eye.
The music was quite loud so we had to shout.
I tried to make conversation as long as I could, gentleman are hard to come buy.
The crowd was full of drunks and young lovers, hugging and kissing and loving each other.
I pretended not to notice that he was standing closer to me with each sentence he spoke.
He gave me butterflies so I smoked my cancer sticks and kept them coming one after another.
No guy of his stature has ever showed intrest in me, so I kept waiting for the punchline of the joke.
“Would you like to dance”? He said as he inched even closer to me.
Young men didn’t consider me pretty, they only considered me fat.
I declined his offer, because I didn’t know how. You see…
No young man has ever offered me that.
But then the music slowed and soon he had his hands on my hips.
Past exeperinces have kept me away from any intamicy like this.
It wasn’t long before we stopped talking with our words, only our lips.
Words weren’t as important as his soft kiss.
I gave him my number, he promised he’d call.
But if he doesn’t, I won’t be upset.
I was a victum of sexual abuse, and he showed me that I could still kiss young men after all.
I left the dance with no regrets.

So I decided earlier today to drink a cup of coffee. I rarely take caffeine due to effect it has on my anxiety. I wanted to drink it to see if it would improve my concentration/productivity while studyinf. I drank a big cup of espresso strentgth coffee and then I drank about 100ml of vodka and began studying. An hour later I started to few anxiety even with alcohol running in my blood. I drank a little more and resumed studying. Another hour later de anxiety resurfaced again. I drank more and some time later took my dogs for a long walk. I was feeling very well. Until the alcohol began to wear off again. I`m feeling a little hungover and shaky now 6 hours later from the cup of coffee.
Caffeine makes me feel shitty all over. It didnt make any noticeable effect on my productivity

I am currently maintained on methadone that I procured illicitly but it was quite necessary as I've been doing lots of dope.

I actually got a really kick ass job. I already did the new hire paper work now I have to wait for them to do my background check and tell me when to come in for orientation. I feel so lucky. I won't fuck this up!!! Too much depends on me keeping this job. Seriously.

So my anxiety is through the roof. I can't wait to go to therapy on Wednesday actually... exciting. Like for real. I really get along with my therapist. I dunno what it is. It's good though. Probably the best thing that's happened in a while... and the job thing. That was good too.

My psychiatrist is a fucking idiot who spelled my name 3 different ways. I told the fucker to write new prescriptions because the pharmacy won't fill them. They're not even controlled substances. What the fuck. I thought he was fucking with me. HE FUCKED UP. NOT ME. God forbid you have to tear up your $1/sheet DEA prescription pad paper and SPELL MY NAME CORRECTLY. I am changing doctors ASAP. Dumb fuck! Blaming everyone else but himself. This is the THIRD TIME, for fuck's sake. Blame it on your receptionist, blame it on the pharmacist, blame it on me... God forbid you blame it on yourself because that's who did it!!!

Jesus fuck... ANYWAY.

I cannot fuck this up. I will not fuck this up. I cannot, I will not .. fuck this up. I got this.

Even though my drug use has been pretty bad I've actually been being super productive. It seems as of I am always doing something to better myself lately rather than fuck with my friends and just score drugs. I got extra hours at work and have been even picking up hours for others so my paychecks have been pretty fat, now that's the shit I like... I also even took my placement test for college yesterday and am scheduled to pick out my classes. Oddly, I have become excited over the fact that I'm going back to school since I feel as if I've been wasting away more than ever. I'm actually proud of myself for once and it was good to see my mom so happy for me that she cried tears of joy. I know she wants the best for me and she'd rather know that I am trying to better myself and my life instead of doing heroin or other shit. I don't want to only be able to tell my mother that I do heroin and fucked up again. Instead I want to tell her about what I'm accomplishing that is actually worth even stating, I hate just telling her shit that breaks her heart. Yeah, I'm fucking with heroin and shit still which I haven't let on but everytime I use o have a feeling she knows, she probably does. Damn I'm starting to think I need to get clean again but I'm not going to.... I'm not going to lie to myself and try to deny the fact I want to use heroin but I know its not going to help things. I'm better off just smoking weed but once you start using heroin its all you can think about at times even though you try to tell yourself you dont need or crave it.

http://imgur.com/a/i8eqJ WARNING IT'S FUCKING WEIRD

Well ok it's several pictures, but hypothetically you could merge them into one. I've never seen anything more fucked up and weird. It's like Matt Groening turned emo, schizophrenic, and got hammered before doing an episode. (the first part is spongebob, second is simpsons)

...

...

I've been unable to maintain my sobriety and have relapsed after a couple of weeks clean.

I don't feel like a failure, for some reason. I know I should feel worse. But I don't. I feel like a human being again. Popping these pills.

I don't think it's possible for me to stay clean. Getting clean is easy. Staying clean is hard. I've found out I have more friends than I thought I did. Friends who do not use. Friends who give a fuck if I live or die.

But I don't care if I live or not.

I want to get away.

That would involve getting back together with my ex-boyfriend and leaving my wonderful girlfriend and brother and moving out west and pretending to want to be with him. I'd be away from all drugs except for alcohol of course -- you don't drink water in the desert, you drink vodka.

My ex-boyfriend broke my heart into a million little pieces and blamed me for it. He blamed his friends and his brother for making the decision to break up with me for him. He's easily influenced by others. He thinks he can be a writer or a Nurse. But he's stupid as fuck. He might as well just quit while he's ahead. He's been in college for over 7 years with nothing to show for it except for his parents being that much poorer. He's never shown much interest in whether I was dead or alive, just whether or not I wanted to fuck. I don't care. I'll lie back and tell him what a big fucking man he is and how much I love his cock. It's all the same to me. At least my body will derive pleasure for someone. It certainly hasn't done much for me.

But I hate my ex. I hate his fucking guts.

He's a coward. Too sensitive. Indecisive. Small-minded. Needy, nerdy, useless. He needs to be coddled. I can't stand it. He is Everything I hate in a man. Hell, everything I hate in a human being. But I'm certain if I acted enough, he'd let me come out and stay with him. I don't want to leave my girlfriend, but I need to leave this place. I need to leave drugs. Pills and pot and heroin and cocaine. I need to leave New York City. I know this is a fucked up thing to do to someone. I need to be selfish, though. I need to get away. It's my ticket out of this hellhole. Into another hellhole, but one without drugs. Maybe I can learn.

Maybe I am just sick in the head and want to drag others down with me.

Here we go again.

It's the same thing every time. For those who are predictable, you will either like them or dislike them. You won't expect them to change. You don't think you'll even be able to like that person. What he did in the past is a precursor to what he will do, eventually. It's inevitable, right? Of course he'll do the exact same thing that put him in a hole in the first place. He'll expect a different outcome, won't receive it, then will slowly get frustrated. ... Right?

What about those who aren't predictable? Those who do something once, learn from it, then vow never to repeat the action, taking a different course on the path. When we see these people, most of us want nothing to do with them. "Too unpredictable" becomes "dangerous". So you won't like that person anyway.

Are we limiting our interactions with others? Are we putting too many limits on their capabilities to become mature, honest human beings? Hell, are we even trying to help anyone else to see the error of their ways? Or do we just continue to berate and expound our hidden hatred on the people that we could be helping?

I have nothing to day in the day, no worries whatsoever, and I remember doing Memantine regularly a year ago; it completely changed me, very high doses induced a weird mini Ketamine state in which I was constantly in a loop, not a pleasant sensation; moderate doses made me much more sympathetic to others, helped with my memory a lot, I began to had that feeling of order everything, finish every task I had (from reading a book, cleaning my room to finish a videogame), always forget a direction, telephone number, name,etc. and strongly improved my performance at logical tasks.
I want to achieve a similar high today, mixing Lyrica in the combo because I know Memantine is synergistic with the stuff, and I have some nerve pain.

T - 00. Did 2 pills (20mg) of Ebixa, 3 pills (225mg) of Lyrica, and 500mg of Naprux (Naproxen) to increase the bioavailability of the Lyrica. All was taken with a can of Red Bull.

T + 30'. Browsing some articles like this "Cognition-enhancing and anxiolytic effects of memantine." I decided to take another 10mg of Ebixa.

T + 50'. I'm starting to feel... weird. Cannot describe what, but something feels like out of place. And my eyes are a little foggy? I don't know. It's like... err.. I can project better the things in my mind.... but that description it's so subjective.

T + 1.20'. I feel a little more warm. I definitely can feel an urge to do things (just take some pictures of my balcony for no reason), and music would seem to sound rhythmically better. Lastly I have moderate appetite because of the Lyrica, but will try not eat any bread or meat, just a little chocolate maybe. I'm also taking a caffeinated Aspirin to improve blood flow an pain management.

T + 2. I'm feeling pretty good; alert, determinant, and with a weird feeling in my head. I'm extremely hungry, so I'll eat a very small sandwich, and also take one more pill of Ebixa, reaching the 40mg. I won't go any further than this today.

T + 3. I played Battlefield 3 for a whole hour and had a very good match. I was very focused in the game. Also, the Lyrica keeps making me hungry so I ate some chocolate. I'm feeling.. good, feeling some pleasure around the body.... it's kinda weird, like if I would be opiated.. only I'm not.
I know it's because of the Lyrica but the Ebixa is definitely doing something that I still can't figure it out.
I may get some Codeine in a few hours....

T + 6?. I don't know how much time have passed, BUT, I felt cold and sleepy, and went to bed, but couldn't sleep, so I woke up and bought some Codeine, Carisoprodol (SOMA), and Provigil(Modafinil).
I also bought 3 grapefruit which I filtered in a machine to make it juice. You know what I mean, to improve the Codeine absorption. Now I feel foggy, I don't think it's the Lyrica, it's something else, like the Ebixa.
I feel fine tough.

Some of you may remember my post in the dark side a while ago, I don't remember how long but I think it was more than a year, possibly almost 2 years ago. 1/3 of people think I'm too nice and never say "Hey wanna go to John's party?" and 2/3 say I'm too mean, but I honestly believe some people are put off by my intelligence--which you wouldn't believe I have from some of my forum posts-- and the possible 10% remaining I don't get along with just because of their personality so fuck 'em anyway. About a year ago my only real friend left stopped talking to me after he moved and was consumed by Douchington City, USA. I got over that after a few months.

I'm considering taking a year off college to just get out and do something and see what happens. But what happens if nothing changes? I'm out $50,000 (at least) and a year of my life. I don't know what to do, who to trust, or why I should care anymore.

I walked away from my job over a year ago. I been unemployed ever since and it sucks...but Im pretty sure my job was worse. I would have lost my mind had I continued to work there.
In the same week my gf left me, which was a huge blow to my ego because I wanted to be the one who would walk away. And she did first. I spent months in regretting the time I wasted (was only a few months).
Now Im walking away from all my so-called friends.
The next step is getting away from my family and my house.
I feel incredibly lonely and scared....but I think Im heading the right direction regardless.

...

...

Grrawrr = Grr and Rawrr together by the way.

Seriously my mom is putting way too much fucking pressure on me lately. I swear everyday she restricts a new area of my life. Some things she has a right to - like how much money she gives me, or whether I get my own place or not (although it is still horribly annoying when she promises it, then CHANGES HER MIND AT THE LAST DAMN SECOND... if you're not gonna do it at all, don't say you will!! It's not that hard. I swear she enjoys watching me get my hopes up so she can smash them!). But other things she has NO right to, like what room I hang out in the most, or how I feel, or when I'm allowed to go through withdrawals/go to detox, or what I feel and when I'm allowed to feel it.

For instance, last night. My mom was on the biggest, most fucked up power trip I have EVER seen her on. I wanted to go to detox last night, but my mom wanted me to get evaluated by some random place first because some random nurse suggested it. Of course the fact that the detox center I want to go to will evaluate me once I get there fell on deaf ears. I've been trying to get into a facility for two weeks now. My mom has been saying for this past week - AGREEING WITH ME - that if I didn't hear anything back by yesterday, she would take me to the detox center herself! Well, last night it was finally approved and I was ready to go, when all of the sudden, she changes her mind and decides I need to get evaluated by this other place first! Which would be fine, except that I can't see them until next week. I tried explaining to her a million times why this wasn't the best idea, that I needed to go to detox as soon as possible, that the facility would do an evaluation themselves, etc. But no, she was on a power trip... a huge, unreasonable one, at that... and so it was her way or the highway. Literally. I could either wait a week to go be evaluated, or I could find somewhere else to live. And when I suggested just doing it at home, on my own, since I would start kicking before I had the chance to go be evaluated anyway? HAH. Forget about it. Her response? "That is not an option. You do that, and you're outta here." WTF so now I can't even quit drugs when I want to quit them?! And to add insult to injury, she THREW money in my face and told me to take it and do what I needed to do in order to stay well until I could go get evaluated by this place.

Yeah. My own mother literally made me choose between taking heroin for another week, or living on the streets. Lovely, eh? And the sad part... this is all real. It actually happened. I almost don't believe it myself.

So that was yesterday. And then today, I was informed that once I get back from detox, I no longer have a place to live. Wanna know why? It's because my mom thinks I spend too much time in the garage... which happens to be the only place in the house that I'm allowed to smoke. That is where people are allowed to smoke. I smoke. Therefore, I am in the garage throughout the day. And when I told her, "Whoa... you couldn't have said this bothers you earlier and asked me to go outside when I want to smoke? You're just jumping straight to kicking me out over something that doesn't even affect your life in any way? Don't you think you're jumping the gun? That seems really unfair." Even my dad agreed that it was fucked up (apparantly she didn't bother to run this by him, it was the first he heard about it too.) At that point I was told, "Tell me that something I do is unfair again, and you'll be outta here long before then."

So. It appears as though I can't do anything right, not even feel. The smallest tiniest little fraction of a thing I do, say, or feel... if it annoys my mother or rubs her in the wrong way even the SLIGHTEST bit... and I'm punished severely for it. As in, not having a roof over my head anymore. She does this often, by the way. Not the rest of it, but the whole thing where I'm not allowed to have emotions unless they suit her. It's gotten to the point where I'm straight up afraid of my mother - of saying anything in front of her, of coming to her with my problems... and forget about even trying to sit down and have a mature, adult conversation about how some of the things she does and says really hurt.

This really scares me, because the reason I got into drugs in the first place was because I was trying to bottle up my emotions. Now that I have some counselling under my belt, plan to get more, and am ready to start dealing with my emotions like an adult... I'm being forced to bottle them up again. God forbid I express even the TINIEST bit of anger or sadness. I've been forced to find a couch to crash out on many a night for committing the heinous crime of being human.

The fucked up thing is, is that whenever I try to make her understand that she's punishing me for having emotions, she says, "Oh, and you don't do that to ME? You jump all over me when I express how I feel all the time." Except that what she's talking about, and what I'm talking about, are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FUCKING THINGS. Yes, I do get mad at her for certain things she says and maybe I do raise my voice a bit at times. But I never attack her, never insult her. I just disagree, and it rubs me the wrong way, and so I react to that by raising my voice or having a sharper tone. However... not everyone is going to agree with everything you say. Sometimes, you are going to say things that rub another person the wrong way, and they are going to react to how you made them feel, either in their mannerisms or in their tone of voice. THAT IS LIFE. On top of that, whenever I DO do this, she quickly shuts me up with another threat of some sort - either kicking me out, or cutting off my cell phone, or whatever. Me raising my voice is not a "punishment". She, on the other hand, actually does punish/threaten me for showing any type of emotion or feeling, especially if it's in dissent with her own. There is a very large difference between raising your voice at someone, and literally punishing them with something that has the potential to seriously fuck up their life. Like, oh I don't know... forcing them to go live on the streets? How the hell can you even compare raising your voice to something like that?!

On top of having to bottle up my everyday emotions, I have to bottle up all this anger and resentment I have towards my mother. I would love nothing more than to have a good relationship with her and work out our issues. But that will never happen. Because in order for there to even be a CHANCE at that happening, it would require us to air our issues we have with each other. And I am not allowed to do that. Which means that when it comes to my mother, I am constantly just one huge fucking hot mess of confusion, resentment, anger, sadness, longing, depression, rage, fear, betrayal... you name it.

AND IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

Jesus fuck. And she's gotten A LOT worse lately. A LOT worse. Like, it's happening every single day now, it's always far more intense, and sometimes it even happens more than once a day. Why can't I ever catch a break... I feel like my life is always one huge battle after another, and it is. Just ONE TIME... in my whole fucking life... I just want there to be a period of peace. Where everything is okay, and there's not something lurking over my shoulder, stressing me the fuck out.

I'm just frightened, really, at the end of the day. I worry a lot about how and if I'll be able to stay sober. My emotions are quite literally my kryptonite. And if I have all these negative emotions that I can't express, that I have to bottle up, that are bound to one day explode... all while dealing with all this pressure from my mother, and her refusing to give me even a tiny bit of the independence that I DESERVE as a 24-year-old woman, and with my financial issues, and my problems with school, among other things... well fuck. I just have to wonder, is there any hope for me at all? I worry that there isn't.

i think i've made my mind up to move up-state, idk exactly when but i'm sure that i'd like to go. i visited my girl on the fourth of july, and it was awesome. granted, i'd have to quit my two jobs, but i'm so fucking stagnant here that i can't stand it. all i do is work, and i have nothing to show for any of it, no milestones have been met, no car and no apartment bought. this place is just fucking shitty man, and since i'm 82 days sober, i can no longer drown the fact that i hate where i live, and i hate living with my mom and little sister. granted, i'm going to miss my little sister, but i'm going to just tell myself that it'll be better for her to not have to live with me, as we're constantly tearing eachother apart. i like my jobs, i like not having to pay bills, but i've felt like i'm in a timewarp since i came home last september cause nothing ever fucking changes here. small town, midwestern cornfield life is killing me, and after staying in denver last year, i don't think i can do this whole rural thing anymore. there's no bodies of water, no elevation or hills, no culture, nothing. hopefully upstate i can find good NA meetings, and i'm going to find a job (at least one) before i move up there, because i'm never going to move again without having previously lined up some work for myself. as far as the meetings go, i've been going to my home group twice a week, but i skipped out today because my (mom's) house is trashed, and my sister called me out with the whole "what is wrong with you" card when i told her i was going to a meeting. so, here i am blogging instead of actually talking this shit out with people, but fuck it. it would be great to go for a run or a bike ride tonight, but my leg is sore for some reason and i don't have a bike, i might end up going for a walk, idk. i just don't want to be in this house anymore, bottom line.

For a variety of reasons, I am going to be back up north for at least a year. Realistically, more like several.

My feelings are somewhat mixed, but the main theme is heartbreak. Part of it is the reason I am returning north; namely, to help care for a family member who has been struck by a 100% fatal disease at a ridiculously young age. Since I found out in March, I have been a hot mess over it, unable to wrap my mind around it. She and I are extraordinarily close, and I don't know how much time I have left with her. She needs my help, so I quit my job of four years, and am moving back up there on a wing and a prayer, yet knowing God will see me through it, as He has led me to this decision. My teen son will be accompanying me, and he is overjoyed to be re-enrolling in the school system where he spent his formative years. That is a BIG positive; my child has never adjusted to living in the south and is a much happier person when he is up north amongst our family and his friends. It's an excellent school system, and I know his education will be seen to by capable, caring professionals, which is a fair contrast to our educational experiences down here.

Another part of my heartache stems from the fact that this has become home. I have grown roots here. I have friends; great, wonderful, deep friendships I have come to count on. I live in a small town where it seems I know everybody, and all the little things, like, they know me at the gas station and pull my brand of cigarettes off the shelf when they see me coming. It is beautiful here, with so much more untouched, undeveloped land than up north, where it's basically turned into urban/suburban/exurban sprawl in my home area. Here, I can sit out in my quiet acreage and hear crickets, tree frog, and our big bull frog. I can sit underneath my live oak and just stare at my pond, reflecting on life. On a clear night, it truly does feel like "stars fell on Alabama", and it smells so clean. I love my beautiful, quirky, unique house with its little idiosyncrasies. Football season is just a couple months away, and oh, how I will miss all the excitement over 'Bama and Auburn football every Saturday! I will miss being told, "have a blessed day", and being called "darlin', baby, honey", etc. People here are friendly and polite and patient. I'll miss good BBQ & friend okra and blackeyed peas.

I have not missed the fucking snow one bit, especially driving in it, and now I get the "joy" of doing so this coming winter.

At least once a day, I cry. To put the cherry on top of the Sundae of Suck, my bestie was supposed to have moved with me, but she has found herself a (wonderful!) man, and is in love for the first time in seven years. In no way do I begrudge her happiness, but having her up there with me would not only have softened the blow or me a little, but it would have been a lot of fun! She is my road dawg, my running buddy, and one of the best friends I have ever had. Thankfully, she is coming north with me to help me get settled, and will stay a couple weeks. I want her to be happy & I pray this new relationship turns out to be very special, loving, and real.

My plans are to visit every two/three months, money & time permitting. My son will want to see his daddy, and I will want to see my friends and just be HOME as often as possible.

Y'know, it's funny: The first six months or so I lived here, I would have jumped at the chance to move back up north. Now that it's happening, four years down the road, I am heartsick.

Positive things include getting to see the changing leaves, (although, I love our falls here on the Gulf Coast...day upon day of cloudless blue skies, warm not hot, no humidity, cool nights, load of sunshine...beautiful. Pay-off for the six months of unrelenting heat and tropical downpours.) Getting to spend time with my family. My son's happiness and well-being. The possibility of reconnecting with a certain special someone from my distant past. (I last saw him 31 years ago today, and I stupidly tossed away the best thing that had ever happened to me, but for some reason, I have a spark of hope for a second chance.) Christmas Eve at my aunt's house. (She goes all out & it's one of the most special nights of the year.) Seeing my regular doctor/dentist for some issues I have. (Have not had great success nor a lot of confidence in the health care providers I have dealt with here.) Familiar smells, sights, events...I know I won't be completely miserable. Returning to my beloved Church up there.

A lot of the sadness, stress, and grief is in the transition.

This has become home. I will be back. Someday, when my son is off at college, I will return here forever. Home.

02:05am 15mg insufflated
02:20am 30mg insufflated

Houston, we have lift off!

So I'm sitting here, on a Saturday, working. This sucks.... 12hr days this week, but I'll be happy on Thursday when I see my check. 32hrs straight time + 20hrs time &1/2... Come on next week...

...

edit

I woke up at 4pm today.
I have an interview tomorrow morning at 8am so I think on staying awake all the night.

10.00pm
Did 200mg Modafinil (Vigicer), 75mg Pregabalin (Lyrica), 250mg Aspirine, 250mg APAP, 70mg Caffeine and 1mg Xanax taken with Coca-Cola. Also eat a some dark chocolate.

11.00pm
Already feel more speedy. Listening to music sounds very ... like you want to dance, you know what I mean, not awesome, but very nice. Also my mood has improved a lot. Heart rate around 90 BPM. No longer feel hungry.

12.00pm
The euphoria continues. Will take 1mg of Alprazolam because heart rate increased a little (it's under 100 BPM anyway).

01.00am
Still feeling euphoric. Did some things like drawing, converting videos, uploading stuff, etc. ; very fun.
It's already past midnight so I'm gonna take another 75mg Lyrica, 200mg Modafinil and 1mg Xanax (Alprazolam)

2.15am
Feeling euphoric. It's very cold here but I don't feel like turning on the heather. Time is passing by fast luckily.

4.00am
Feeling very euphoric, but at the cost of my heart "bumping" a little (though my BPM are fine). Taking 1mg Xanax.

7.00am
Time passed by very fast. I played a little Battlefield 3, but mostly browsed the web and chatted. I still feel a little euphoric (not as some hours before) but it's already time to have a shower and go outside and I don't feel sleepy. I also used some Tetrahydrozoline to keep my eyes not red at all.
I'll take more 70mg of Caffeine and Pseudoephedrine to keep me awake. I don't know if I can score more Modafinil.
I have Clonidine and plenty of Xanax to come down in the day...

10.15am
I went to my interview. Everything went well, no headache, no backpain, no sleep, just with the mouth a little dry (for the sake of saying something). My heart rate right now is 116 BPM. I don't feel sleepy yet.
When coming back I drank a Red Bull with 2mg Xanax and smoke a cigarette. I feel like doing things yet, but little euphoria.
I'll take right now 75mg Lyrica and a vitamin supplement.
So far, Modafinil (Vigicer) was awesome and helped me a lot. Will keep posting until going to sleep (definitely not yet).

6pm
I managed to sleep from 3pm to 5.40pm thanks to 1ug Clonidine, 2mg Alprazolam, 2mg Clonazepam(Klonopin) and eating two small sandwiches. Food is very important to come down too.
Well, I'm closing this since this ended well.

Moderate your uppers doses, take little GABAergics, and everything will be possible!

She's gone, and she died a while ago..

Life's so different since then. Many people hate me for what I do, and yes I carry a lot on my shoulders.. Some of those that have known me for years sort of predicted this predicament i'm in.. They knew i'd be on the cover or something adult related.

I don't know if bluelight blog is even an active thing anymore.. I guess that's not the point of this either way.

I've worked for pretty much all of the porn empires besides a few. This hustler film and tmz feature is going to change a lot of things in my life. It's gone to the point of not being known but being financially set and able to take care of yourself.. To be fully known for the things you've done. I didn't expect my photo to be a feature on tmz along with the rest of the cast. I didn't expect the video to have such a following. But America loves scandals, and the sandra bullock jesse james scandal is a great scandal to make a mockery of in the eyes of a company that's a big shark in the empire itself.. It's all about making money.. I never thought i'd be casted to a video this big. Not yet anyways. Not that I actually had hopes to.. But parts of my career felt realy legit ya know. The fact that I had an agent, and someone to do the legwork.. The fact that I worked for companies that were actually known, and for the fact that I was actually getting the shit fucked out of me by guys I grew up watching in porn.. Life is a crazy thing...

Going through death, addiction, being poor living in a car, depressed, suicidal, and just flat out lonely.. There's always a different pace life seems to head itself in.. I can imagine this path isnt the path a few people in my life wish for me to go down.. But i'm totally ok with that. I'm not miserable, unhappy, or doing what I do just the money factor. I love that I can express my sexual fantasies and use it in a way to feed my craze for being an exhibitionist. It's so liberating as a woman.. Trust me I know some people might not share that opinion either, but it's true... I feel in control of every move I make in my life. I'm independent, and i've had the oppurtunity to see a lot and meet some cool people along the way.

Outside of that i'm spending time with one of the most legit guys I have ever encountered on the face of this earth. He in himself has his own empire and he's a work horse. Waking up in his five bedroom home that he bought himself and watching him move and and just speaking to him it makes me smile. He's so independent and grew up from nothing at all. Just like me. We meet together in so many levels. He's humble about the enourmous amounts of success he's had in life, and he's just an all around chill guy.

I don't know man.. Shit's crazy... Life it's taking me all over the place. It makes my head spin.

I'm not prepared for certain blow ups.. But man let me tell ya what.. If I was going to do it.. I might as well have done it in the most legit way as possible.. And I have

I forgot this place existed D: how could I do that to you?