Blogs

Grrawrr = Grr and Rawrr together by the way.

Seriously my mom is putting way too much fucking pressure on me lately. I swear everyday she restricts a new area of my life. Some things she has a right to - like how much money she gives me, or whether I get my own place or not (although it is still horribly annoying when she promises it, then CHANGES HER MIND AT THE LAST DAMN SECOND... if you're not gonna do it at all, don't say you will!! It's not that hard. I swear she enjoys watching me get my hopes up so she can smash them!). But other things she has NO right to, like what room I hang out in the most, or how I feel, or when I'm allowed to go through withdrawals/go to detox, or what I feel and when I'm allowed to feel it.

For instance, last night. My mom was on the biggest, most fucked up power trip I have EVER seen her on. I wanted to go to detox last night, but my mom wanted me to get evaluated by some random place first because some random nurse suggested it. Of course the fact that the detox center I want to go to will evaluate me once I get there fell on deaf ears. I've been trying to get into a facility for two weeks now. My mom has been saying for this past week - AGREEING WITH ME - that if I didn't hear anything back by yesterday, she would take me to the detox center herself! Well, last night it was finally approved and I was ready to go, when all of the sudden, she changes her mind and decides I need to get evaluated by this other place first! Which would be fine, except that I can't see them until next week. I tried explaining to her a million times why this wasn't the best idea, that I needed to go to detox as soon as possible, that the facility would do an evaluation themselves, etc. But no, she was on a power trip... a huge, unreasonable one, at that... and so it was her way or the highway. Literally. I could either wait a week to go be evaluated, or I could find somewhere else to live. And when I suggested just doing it at home, on my own, since I would start kicking before I had the chance to go be evaluated anyway? HAH. Forget about it. Her response? "That is not an option. You do that, and you're outta here." WTF so now I can't even quit drugs when I want to quit them?! And to add insult to injury, she THREW money in my face and told me to take it and do what I needed to do in order to stay well until I could go get evaluated by this place.

Yeah. My own mother literally made me choose between taking heroin for another week, or living on the streets. Lovely, eh? And the sad part... this is all real. It actually happened. I almost don't believe it myself.

So that was yesterday. And then today, I was informed that once I get back from detox, I no longer have a place to live. Wanna know why? It's because my mom thinks I spend too much time in the garage... which happens to be the only place in the house that I'm allowed to smoke. That is where people are allowed to smoke. I smoke. Therefore, I am in the garage throughout the day. And when I told her, "Whoa... you couldn't have said this bothers you earlier and asked me to go outside when I want to smoke? You're just jumping straight to kicking me out over something that doesn't even affect your life in any way? Don't you think you're jumping the gun? That seems really unfair." Even my dad agreed that it was fucked up (apparantly she didn't bother to run this by him, it was the first he heard about it too.) At that point I was told, "Tell me that something I do is unfair again, and you'll be outta here long before then."

So. It appears as though I can't do anything right, not even feel. The smallest tiniest little fraction of a thing I do, say, or feel... if it annoys my mother or rubs her in the wrong way even the SLIGHTEST bit... and I'm punished severely for it. As in, not having a roof over my head anymore. She does this often, by the way. Not the rest of it, but the whole thing where I'm not allowed to have emotions unless they suit her. It's gotten to the point where I'm straight up afraid of my mother - of saying anything in front of her, of coming to her with my problems... and forget about even trying to sit down and have a mature, adult conversation about how some of the things she does and says really hurt.

This really scares me, because the reason I got into drugs in the first place was because I was trying to bottle up my emotions. Now that I have some counselling under my belt, plan to get more, and am ready to start dealing with my emotions like an adult... I'm being forced to bottle them up again. God forbid I express even the TINIEST bit of anger or sadness. I've been forced to find a couch to crash out on many a night for committing the heinous crime of being human.

The fucked up thing is, is that whenever I try to make her understand that she's punishing me for having emotions, she says, "Oh, and you don't do that to ME? You jump all over me when I express how I feel all the time." Except that what she's talking about, and what I'm talking about, are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FUCKING THINGS. Yes, I do get mad at her for certain things she says and maybe I do raise my voice a bit at times. But I never attack her, never insult her. I just disagree, and it rubs me the wrong way, and so I react to that by raising my voice or having a sharper tone. However... not everyone is going to agree with everything you say. Sometimes, you are going to say things that rub another person the wrong way, and they are going to react to how you made them feel, either in their mannerisms or in their tone of voice. THAT IS LIFE. On top of that, whenever I DO do this, she quickly shuts me up with another threat of some sort - either kicking me out, or cutting off my cell phone, or whatever. Me raising my voice is not a "punishment". She, on the other hand, actually does punish/threaten me for showing any type of emotion or feeling, especially if it's in dissent with her own. There is a very large difference between raising your voice at someone, and literally punishing them with something that has the potential to seriously fuck up their life. Like, oh I don't know... forcing them to go live on the streets? How the hell can you even compare raising your voice to something like that?!

On top of having to bottle up my everyday emotions, I have to bottle up all this anger and resentment I have towards my mother. I would love nothing more than to have a good relationship with her and work out our issues. But that will never happen. Because in order for there to even be a CHANCE at that happening, it would require us to air our issues we have with each other. And I am not allowed to do that. Which means that when it comes to my mother, I am constantly just one huge fucking hot mess of confusion, resentment, anger, sadness, longing, depression, rage, fear, betrayal... you name it.

AND IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

Jesus fuck. And she's gotten A LOT worse lately. A LOT worse. Like, it's happening every single day now, it's always far more intense, and sometimes it even happens more than once a day. Why can't I ever catch a break... I feel like my life is always one huge battle after another, and it is. Just ONE TIME... in my whole fucking life... I just want there to be a period of peace. Where everything is okay, and there's not something lurking over my shoulder, stressing me the fuck out.

I'm just frightened, really, at the end of the day. I worry a lot about how and if I'll be able to stay sober. My emotions are quite literally my kryptonite. And if I have all these negative emotions that I can't express, that I have to bottle up, that are bound to one day explode... all while dealing with all this pressure from my mother, and her refusing to give me even a tiny bit of the independence that I DESERVE as a 24-year-old woman, and with my financial issues, and my problems with school, among other things... well fuck. I just have to wonder, is there any hope for me at all? I worry that there isn't.

i think i've made my mind up to move up-state, idk exactly when but i'm sure that i'd like to go. i visited my girl on the fourth of july, and it was awesome. granted, i'd have to quit my two jobs, but i'm so fucking stagnant here that i can't stand it. all i do is work, and i have nothing to show for any of it, no milestones have been met, no car and no apartment bought. this place is just fucking shitty man, and since i'm 82 days sober, i can no longer drown the fact that i hate where i live, and i hate living with my mom and little sister. granted, i'm going to miss my little sister, but i'm going to just tell myself that it'll be better for her to not have to live with me, as we're constantly tearing eachother apart. i like my jobs, i like not having to pay bills, but i've felt like i'm in a timewarp since i came home last september cause nothing ever fucking changes here. small town, midwestern cornfield life is killing me, and after staying in denver last year, i don't think i can do this whole rural thing anymore. there's no bodies of water, no elevation or hills, no culture, nothing. hopefully upstate i can find good NA meetings, and i'm going to find a job (at least one) before i move up there, because i'm never going to move again without having previously lined up some work for myself. as far as the meetings go, i've been going to my home group twice a week, but i skipped out today because my (mom's) house is trashed, and my sister called me out with the whole "what is wrong with you" card when i told her i was going to a meeting. so, here i am blogging instead of actually talking this shit out with people, but fuck it. it would be great to go for a run or a bike ride tonight, but my leg is sore for some reason and i don't have a bike, i might end up going for a walk, idk. i just don't want to be in this house anymore, bottom line.

For a variety of reasons, I am going to be back up north for at least a year. Realistically, more like several.

My feelings are somewhat mixed, but the main theme is heartbreak. Part of it is the reason I am returning north; namely, to help care for a family member who has been struck by a 100% fatal disease at a ridiculously young age. Since I found out in March, I have been a hot mess over it, unable to wrap my mind around it. She and I are extraordinarily close, and I don't know how much time I have left with her. She needs my help, so I quit my job of four years, and am moving back up there on a wing and a prayer, yet knowing God will see me through it, as He has led me to this decision. My teen son will be accompanying me, and he is overjoyed to be re-enrolling in the school system where he spent his formative years. That is a BIG positive; my child has never adjusted to living in the south and is a much happier person when he is up north amongst our family and his friends. It's an excellent school system, and I know his education will be seen to by capable, caring professionals, which is a fair contrast to our educational experiences down here.

Another part of my heartache stems from the fact that this has become home. I have grown roots here. I have friends; great, wonderful, deep friendships I have come to count on. I live in a small town where it seems I know everybody, and all the little things, like, they know me at the gas station and pull my brand of cigarettes off the shelf when they see me coming. It is beautiful here, with so much more untouched, undeveloped land than up north, where it's basically turned into urban/suburban/exurban sprawl in my home area. Here, I can sit out in my quiet acreage and hear crickets, tree frog, and our big bull frog. I can sit underneath my live oak and just stare at my pond, reflecting on life. On a clear night, it truly does feel like "stars fell on Alabama", and it smells so clean. I love my beautiful, quirky, unique house with its little idiosyncrasies. Football season is just a couple months away, and oh, how I will miss all the excitement over 'Bama and Auburn football every Saturday! I will miss being told, "have a blessed day", and being called "darlin', baby, honey", etc. People here are friendly and polite and patient. I'll miss good BBQ & friend okra and blackeyed peas.

I have not missed the fucking snow one bit, especially driving in it, and now I get the "joy" of doing so this coming winter.

At least once a day, I cry. To put the cherry on top of the Sundae of Suck, my bestie was supposed to have moved with me, but she has found herself a (wonderful!) man, and is in love for the first time in seven years. In no way do I begrudge her happiness, but having her up there with me would not only have softened the blow or me a little, but it would have been a lot of fun! She is my road dawg, my running buddy, and one of the best friends I have ever had. Thankfully, she is coming north with me to help me get settled, and will stay a couple weeks. I want her to be happy & I pray this new relationship turns out to be very special, loving, and real.

My plans are to visit every two/three months, money & time permitting. My son will want to see his daddy, and I will want to see my friends and just be HOME as often as possible.

Y'know, it's funny: The first six months or so I lived here, I would have jumped at the chance to move back up north. Now that it's happening, four years down the road, I am heartsick.

Positive things include getting to see the changing leaves, (although, I love our falls here on the Gulf Coast...day upon day of cloudless blue skies, warm not hot, no humidity, cool nights, load of sunshine...beautiful. Pay-off for the six months of unrelenting heat and tropical downpours.) Getting to spend time with my family. My son's happiness and well-being. The possibility of reconnecting with a certain special someone from my distant past. (I last saw him 31 years ago today, and I stupidly tossed away the best thing that had ever happened to me, but for some reason, I have a spark of hope for a second chance.) Christmas Eve at my aunt's house. (She goes all out & it's one of the most special nights of the year.) Seeing my regular doctor/dentist for some issues I have. (Have not had great success nor a lot of confidence in the health care providers I have dealt with here.) Familiar smells, sights, events...I know I won't be completely miserable. Returning to my beloved Church up there.

A lot of the sadness, stress, and grief is in the transition.

This has become home. I will be back. Someday, when my son is off at college, I will return here forever. Home.

02:05am 15mg insufflated
02:20am 30mg insufflated

Houston, we have lift off!

So I'm sitting here, on a Saturday, working. This sucks.... 12hr days this week, but I'll be happy on Thursday when I see my check. 32hrs straight time + 20hrs time &1/2... Come on next week...

...

edit

I woke up at 4pm today.
I have an interview tomorrow morning at 8am so I think on staying awake all the night.

10.00pm
Did 200mg Modafinil (Vigicer), 75mg Pregabalin (Lyrica), 250mg Aspirine, 250mg APAP, 70mg Caffeine and 1mg Xanax taken with Coca-Cola. Also eat a some dark chocolate.

11.00pm
Already feel more speedy. Listening to music sounds very ... like you want to dance, you know what I mean, not awesome, but very nice. Also my mood has improved a lot. Heart rate around 90 BPM. No longer feel hungry.

12.00pm
The euphoria continues. Will take 1mg of Alprazolam because heart rate increased a little (it's under 100 BPM anyway).

01.00am
Still feeling euphoric. Did some things like drawing, converting videos, uploading stuff, etc. ; very fun.
It's already past midnight so I'm gonna take another 75mg Lyrica, 200mg Modafinil and 1mg Xanax (Alprazolam)

2.15am
Feeling euphoric. It's very cold here but I don't feel like turning on the heather. Time is passing by fast luckily.

4.00am
Feeling very euphoric, but at the cost of my heart "bumping" a little (though my BPM are fine). Taking 1mg Xanax.

7.00am
Time passed by very fast. I played a little Battlefield 3, but mostly browsed the web and chatted. I still feel a little euphoric (not as some hours before) but it's already time to have a shower and go outside and I don't feel sleepy. I also used some Tetrahydrozoline to keep my eyes not red at all.
I'll take more 70mg of Caffeine and Pseudoephedrine to keep me awake. I don't know if I can score more Modafinil.
I have Clonidine and plenty of Xanax to come down in the day...

10.15am
I went to my interview. Everything went well, no headache, no backpain, no sleep, just with the mouth a little dry (for the sake of saying something). My heart rate right now is 116 BPM. I don't feel sleepy yet.
When coming back I drank a Red Bull with 2mg Xanax and smoke a cigarette. I feel like doing things yet, but little euphoria.
I'll take right now 75mg Lyrica and a vitamin supplement.
So far, Modafinil (Vigicer) was awesome and helped me a lot. Will keep posting until going to sleep (definitely not yet).

6pm
I managed to sleep from 3pm to 5.40pm thanks to 1ug Clonidine, 2mg Alprazolam, 2mg Clonazepam(Klonopin) and eating two small sandwiches. Food is very important to come down too.
Well, I'm closing this since this ended well.

Moderate your uppers doses, take little GABAergics, and everything will be possible!

She's gone, and she died a while ago..

Life's so different since then. Many people hate me for what I do, and yes I carry a lot on my shoulders.. Some of those that have known me for years sort of predicted this predicament i'm in.. They knew i'd be on the cover or something adult related.

I don't know if bluelight blog is even an active thing anymore.. I guess that's not the point of this either way.

I've worked for pretty much all of the porn empires besides a few. This hustler film and tmz feature is going to change a lot of things in my life. It's gone to the point of not being known but being financially set and able to take care of yourself.. To be fully known for the things you've done. I didn't expect my photo to be a feature on tmz along with the rest of the cast. I didn't expect the video to have such a following. But America loves scandals, and the sandra bullock jesse james scandal is a great scandal to make a mockery of in the eyes of a company that's a big shark in the empire itself.. It's all about making money.. I never thought i'd be casted to a video this big. Not yet anyways. Not that I actually had hopes to.. But parts of my career felt realy legit ya know. The fact that I had an agent, and someone to do the legwork.. The fact that I worked for companies that were actually known, and for the fact that I was actually getting the shit fucked out of me by guys I grew up watching in porn.. Life is a crazy thing...

Going through death, addiction, being poor living in a car, depressed, suicidal, and just flat out lonely.. There's always a different pace life seems to head itself in.. I can imagine this path isnt the path a few people in my life wish for me to go down.. But i'm totally ok with that. I'm not miserable, unhappy, or doing what I do just the money factor. I love that I can express my sexual fantasies and use it in a way to feed my craze for being an exhibitionist. It's so liberating as a woman.. Trust me I know some people might not share that opinion either, but it's true... I feel in control of every move I make in my life. I'm independent, and i've had the oppurtunity to see a lot and meet some cool people along the way.

Outside of that i'm spending time with one of the most legit guys I have ever encountered on the face of this earth. He in himself has his own empire and he's a work horse. Waking up in his five bedroom home that he bought himself and watching him move and and just speaking to him it makes me smile. He's so independent and grew up from nothing at all. Just like me. We meet together in so many levels. He's humble about the enourmous amounts of success he's had in life, and he's just an all around chill guy.

I don't know man.. Shit's crazy... Life it's taking me all over the place. It makes my head spin.

I'm not prepared for certain blow ups.. But man let me tell ya what.. If I was going to do it.. I might as well have done it in the most legit way as possible.. And I have

I forgot this place existed D: how could I do that to you?

To hang around outside and try to find a heroin connect. Maybe should go there fucked up on something so I look more like one of them. Good plan.

Im sitting on my bed right now. Outside the sky is a light grey, and there are rough winds tossing the trees about. The branches are shaking neurotically like a middle aged woman flapping the flab that hangs too lose from her arm. Needless to say, its pretty fucking bleak.

I didn't do much today.

I left my house around 7 a.m. this morning to head into manhattan to get my methadone. For some reason, my take home bottle from Saturday seemed like it was less potent or something, and I wonder if I perhaps accidentally spilled some of the syrup, because I started to feel minor withdrawal while riding on the train.

Halfway into the city, the D line stopped for about ten minutes, and an announcement came over the loud speaker that one of the train cars had to be evacuated immediately and I believe they even mentioned the word "quarantined". I was not willing to risk dying of the bubonic plague just to get to my methadone clinic quicker, so I changed lines, and eventually made it to my stop in midtown.

It's weird how methadone works. When I initially got on the program (approx. 2 weeks ago) and was given my first 30mg dose, it seemed to take forever for the methadone to kick in. I had ran into my friend who was recieving buprenorphine and together we walked all the way downtown to where I met my girlfriend in the west village. The trek took a good hour, and I remember feeling concerned that this was not going to be enough methadone, as I could feel the shot that I had done that morning wearing off, and the early signs of withdrawal were kicking in even though I had dosed my methadone nearly an hour earlier. Anyway, to stop this from being a tangent, after two hours the methadone kicked in full force and I felt great. Now each day when I take it, I begin to feel it immediately which is really crazy. I've decided to stay at this low dosage of 30mg because it holds me well, and I've had the misfortune of being on MMT in the past, stuck on a tipple digit dose and that sucked.

Anyways, I'm happy with that aspect of my treatment. I was worried for a while that switching to methadone instead of bupe would be a big mistake, but I'm confident now that it's exactly what I need.

My girlfriend called me up this morning and that made me feel real good like always. It sucks being apart, but im leaving NY in two weeks to visit her, so Ive got something great to look forward to. I just hate doing the whole countdown thing. I want to be there now. I never knew how alone I really felt in the last few years, as I've had nothing to compare it to.

So now I'm looking out my window again, and it's still that nasty grey bullshit, but the winds have calmed down, and my curtains are no longer dancing wildly (thank god). It's just still and quiet .

So iv fallen for most inappropriate person on earth, hes turning
World upside down!! Gah hAte it wen someone has this kinda power over me

...

...

edit

been busy with life shit here lately, havnt been as active asmuch as id like to be in my blog. Found a place to stay,and work. Happy with where I am now then where I was.. I don't even want to talk about that.
anyways,next time I sleep under the stars will be at a fucking camp site because that shits over with, Been off the 'hard shit', drinking a little, like last night got shitfaced and had a good time with it. didn't get locked up so that was a good thing right? Well must get ready for work, peace

When's the last time you ran? not sure, but i know i had to be running to catch the bus. i probably haven't ran just to run since high school phys ed. class.

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? one pair that i can't stand the thought of getting rid of just yet.

What are you dreading right now? the mile and a half run i have to do for my wellness class.

Do you celebrate 420? not like i used to.

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? usually i get 9-10 but i still feel as if i've gotten 6 or less.

If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? smoke, order take out, watch movies or tv, nap.

Who last grabbed your ass? boyfriend

Have you ever been on your school's track team? lol

Do you own a pair of Converse? not now. i had a pair of steel toe chucks back in the day though. they were sweet.

Did you copy and paste this survey? yes

Do you eat raw cookie dough? only in ice cream.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? yep.

Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? yes but i don't really listen to the radio that often.

Do you watch Trading Spaces? i never have.

How do you eat oreos? twist, lick off cream, and then eat cookies.

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? yes, but i was doing other things as well.

Are you cocky? i don't think i am.

Could you live without a computer? i could, but it would be difficult to adjust to.

Do you wear your shoes in the house? not unless i'm getting ready to go somewhere.

Who or what sleeps with you? boyfriend and kitty cat.

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? 8

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? 2

What do you do when you're sad? wallow.

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? my parents to tell them they could retire.

Last time you saw your best friend? august, i don't see her enough.

Are you in high school? no, i haven't been for 13 years. it kind of frightens me to say that.

What jewelry are you wearing? just belly button ring currently, that never comes out.

Is anyone on your bad side now? not really, no.

What's the first thing you do when you get online? check my e-mail.

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? i watch reruns sometimes when nothing else is on tv.

How do most people spell your name? carrie, the boring way.

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? yeah.

Where do you work? not saying that here

What are you doing tomorrow? class and work.

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? maybe in his own sort of way.

Favorite name for a girl? not sharing my baby names here either. i don't want people stealing them lol.

Favorite name for a boy? read above.

Will you keep your last name when you get married? probably not.

When was the last time you left your house? yesterday.

Do you return your cart? rain, snow, sleet or whatever. i know what it's like to have to gather carts, not a fun job.

Do you have a dishwasher? yes, it's a life saver.

What noise do you hear? neighbor dog barking.

Would you survive in prison? i don't think i could, i'm pretty weak.

Who is the youngest in your family? my kitty.

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? emily. she packs 2 suitcases for an overnight...

Do you know anyone with the same name as you? not first and last.

What's the last thing you purchased? roasted veggie and hummus wrap for lunch yesterday.

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? no siblings.

What brand are your pants right now? pajama pants from target. not sure of the brand.

Ever been to Georgia (the state)? nope.

What irritates you most on the internet? swim.

What brand is your digital camera? nikon

Do you watch movies with your parents? i don't see them often, but when i do i may watch movies with them.

What song best describes your life right now? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? some, but i'm super picky about my perfume.

Are you taking college classes right now? yes.

Do you like sushi? one of my all time fave foods

Do you get your hair cut every month? more like every 2-3 months.

Do you go online everyday? usually.

Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? what?

Note:
This experiment is based on my previous times mixing mild uppers and downers; because it was really nice, I want to push it a little more this time. I have no opiates but because yesterday I did a lot of Tramadol I think it counts, based on it large half life. All the pills were taken with Caffeinated drinks.

Background:
Friday Night, wake up a few hours ago, was really tired. I had an interview in the morning and I traveled a lot. Stomach completely empty.
Yesterday (Thursday) I did 800mg Tramadol and 10mg Clonazepam (I have high tolerance to benzos). I could still feel the effects of the Tramadol a few hours ago.

11.15 PM - Did 300mg Modafinil, 60mg Pseudoephedrine, 80mg Caffeine. Planning to take 2mg Alprazolam in a few minutes.

11.30 PM - Smoked a Cigarette because I have read in lots of places that enhances any kind of upper. Also, I used to did it before and yes, smoking was really pleasant. Actual Heart rate, 82.

12.15 AM - My heart rate increased a little, 85, but my mood it's much better and I feel good.

12.30 AM - My heart rate went up to 95, so I'm doing 2mg Alprazolam now.

12.45 AM - My heart rate downed to 84 now, I'm feeling a little euphoric. Gonna take 100mg Modafinil (reaching 400mg in total).

1.15 AM - Heart rate 90. Having a good time doing things and listen to music.

1.50 AM - I'm pretty sure I found like 1mg of 2C-E which I had from previous times. I did it nasally, and it burned a little, so I think it was 2C-E indeed. I don't think dust burns when aspiring a little... I wonder if something will change with so little 2C-E. BTW, I'm feeling my body hot. Heart rate 90.

2.15 AM - Since my heart rate doesn't seem to increase, I'm not really sure what's happening, so I'm gonna take 2mg Clonazepam.

3.30 AM - My heart rate is at 75, but all this time I feel extremely focused and entertained while reading. Still don't feel sleep, and the heat I was feeling went away (it's also 10ºC now here).

4 AM - I think I already past the peak, so I just did 2mg Alprazolam and 2mg Clonazepam

I figure I would blog about random shit while high on dope to amuse myself. You know it's funny how life can suck until some premo dope gets in your hands. Work it especially brutal being sober. I really like doing a bag of dope after a long stressful day of work...really keeps the stress away. Anyway that's it for now because i'm starting to get cross-eyed and it's becoming impossible type

Well it has been a series of long days. I realized I got my first paycheck from new job Monday... and decided to go a bit mental with it. I grabbed some heroin and did it up, then Tuesday did the same... toss in some ambien and miller lite.

I'm kind of pissed at myself. It made me realize tho that I am really not missing out on anything. I just sat in my friends passenger seat for the good part of Tuesday and took micro-naps everywhere. Oh well.

I plan on lifting some weights sometime in the near future. I think I need something productive to help keep my mind focused on what I really need to be doing. Hopefully it works out.

Also, I think I am going to get a dydoe piercing soon. Really soon. It should be badass. Will post pics in the nudie thread

...

When my parents gifted me $5,000 for graduating high school on time (keep in mind I on extremely rare occassion ask for money from my parents) my older brother started bitching about how he was never given that amount of money. They bought him a car, and no shitty car either, it was the car of his dreams at the time, an eclipse spyder or w/e at 11th grade! He likes to race so his car needed repairs that cost THOUSANDS to fix. Talking transmission fixes and all this crazy shit I don't know about, as if that wasn't enough paying for his tickets (speeding,lights, etc.) He graduated during summer, a semester late. They spent at least $12,000 on him by senior year. But this isn't the end of it, I had to live in the same room as his girlfriend and him because he never does take into consideration anything about anyone that doesn't involve him. For 3 fucken years. And no they didn't fuck while I was present, what's wrong with you. I didn't feel comfortable in my own home, the countless times I farted into their pillows and used their toothbrushes to brush my ballsack, in a sense yea, they both licked my ballsack, and I allowed it. I wish I would've allowed myself to lose control just once and snookie punched the two bitches. The dumb broad he called a girlfriend would just talk and talk and talk... Just shit seeping out of her mouth hours on end, far worse than Oprah or any of these whores that seem to have all the answers, how I didn't invest in a bark control collar for her fascinates me, the sufferings I've endured. Id probably have had to invest in a $3,000 lock since she was born with this god damned mouth, always moving, having to make a sound as if shed cease to exist if she stopped talking for a single minute.

For once in your pathetic existence can you shut your mouth for five fucken minutes? both live in a superficial world where you take advantage of people for most idiotic of things, poeple who want to help you, to the fullest extent. You preach family and practice everything but. I place horse shit on higher in a pedastool than you both. The only people I feel sorry for are my parents and my neice, born into a world where her own two parents can't even support themselves. So pure of heart and what's sad is that I wouldn't be surprised if that beautiful girl grew up into being a whore. The remedy for a weeping infant? Barney. Every fucking time. The shitty mother is by far more interested in barney than my neice is. I feel so sorry for her. And my mother, my mother can't help but feel guilty, I've told her time and time again how I feel about them but mothers just have this unconditional love for their children. Her own son drains her of life and puts it into something so selfish and dispensable and she continues to feed it. It reminds me of Dante Aligheiri's depiction of two men- conjoined, one gnawing the back of the head of the other, the only difference being that this isn't hell and there is certainly something she is perfectly capable but her family values just won't let her.
They moved out for about a year, then moved back in, what was supposed to be initially a week looking for a new home turned into a months, 8 months now. Raising a child in our living room, bringing company over and being loud, like they owned the god damned place when they both work and don't pay a cent for rent or food. These people don't learn from their mistakes. If murder was justifiable then here would be a perfect example. I've thought about it as much as any other person thinks about killing all the pedophiles and rapists in the world, but of course I have a life ahead of my own to live on. I just hope my mother grows out of this false sense of unconditional love for the parasite she calls her son. As for me, I must endure a bit longer before I get the fuck out of here and never see these two shitty less-than-human ever again. It isn't like me at all to wish negatively upon people at all, always the best, even if I don't like them but with these two, I can honestly say that hate them. I despise, I loathe, but I have never hated anything or anyone like I do these two.

Recently all I can think about is suicide...i have no plans to kill myself, but the thoughts are forever present..I feel like I have a thousand thoughts in my head, not a one is good, and I just want it to stop..I know i should be on medication, but I have no insurance.I'd become a pill zombie, if I could. I'm miserable in my life, I have no friends and a boyfriend who is practically out the door..if i did do it, with him gone, it would be one less thing to hold me back..i know i should be thankful for what i have because people do i have it worse, but that doesn't help me in the slightest..i look for some kind of relief but it never comes, only gets worse..I have recently been experiencing panic attacks as well, although no one knows about it, no one would care if they did...my life is forever spiraling out of control and i have no way to stop it.

no one cares what happens to me, and if they do, and i took my life, they would move on from it.

I hear how selfish suicide is all the time, i personally don't feel this way..living with chronic pain and having no escape from it, well some people just don't understand it..when there is no one to talk to to get these feelings out, just make it so they keep building up..I have urges to cut, but i haven't..anything to escape..God im lonely..I wish there was an escape! when will it end, if ever? FML!

I fully intended to freeze the lake of fire to be used for productions of Disney on Ice, so I brought along my ABSOLUTE ZERO fire extinguisher. It's a backpack of sorts like in the movie Ghostbusters. The demons were fucking annoying, especially those flying imp motherfuckers, so I borrowed Gabriel's flaming sword of Righteousness and slew them by the score on my way down. Imagine swatting flies and having them turn into green globules of ectoplasm. As I got lower, I encountered the Balrog and pulled a Gandalf and he of course got pwned with my collection of magically imbued ancient Frankish throwing axes. The lower demons got a full taste of the EXTINGUISHER OF AGES. My trigger finger itched because they're sneaky fuckers and will not fight honorably--the sixth sense protecting the back of my skull was useful there. I pretty much froze them until my very short and adrenalized breath crumbled their remains to bits.

Upon seeing the havoc I was wreaking, Satan and I made a deal that I'd let him have East Hell to indulge himself in torture porn for the unrighteous souls, whereas the lake of fire would be used for future productions of Aladdin on Ice.

I WON.

That is all.