it was my birthday this week. 26 years old. damn!
enjoyed the meal and cocktails and the bbq with friends the day after. swimming yesterday and walks in the park. its been an active week. i like weeks like this. it gives me motivation and lets face it, i dont see much of that lately. i'm lazy!
not liking the recent arguments with "the one" though. dunno why its occurring but i dont like it.
maybe we need space? its not us. we are usually so strong and understanding of each other. he is my rock. it will get better. i will do everything in my power to make it better anyway. i just hope he does too..
maybe its cos i really need to book this holiday and i can't. i am beginning to slip under the currents of life. i feel like i am drowning among all the shit. no sleep, no money. anxiety is at an all time high. i need to recharge my batteries. get away from it all, sun it the fuck up!
maybe one day i will pluck up the courage to see someone about my mental shit. not that its ever worked in the past though. i must have "druggy" written on my head cos they wont prescribe shit! aaah well....
just gotta keep plodding on....as boring as it is.....
i have stopped going out, rarely drink and stim use is monthly at most, shame its the shitty mcat tho. would kill for some MDMA, never cared much for speed but i have taken my fair share of it..and damn i miss coke! if i were to ever get addicted to anything, that would be it. thats why i had to say goodbye....so i am being quite good with the uppers mainly because i cant stand comedowns. i feel like ending it all....my pure hell! problem is tho i like the benzo's. etizolam are probably not the best ones going but they certainly do the job, help me relax, help me sleep. good job i am shit scared of withdrawals to be fair or i would be taking them a hell of a lot more.... they may seem like little wonder pills but i know better.
where did i make the transition from uppers to downers? its not just the etizolam, its codeine, sleepers....what ever i can get my hands on for a good nights sleep. not good i am aware but 16 years of on/off insomnia is just bad!
i miss the days where i used to love music. i feel too much like a grown up now.
enjoyed the meal and cocktails and the bbq with friends the day after. swimming yesterday and walks in the park. its been an active week. i like weeks like this. it gives me motivation and lets face it, i dont see much of that lately. i'm lazy!
not liking the recent arguments with "the one" though. dunno why its occurring but i dont like it.
maybe we need space? its not us. we are usually so strong and understanding of each other. he is my rock. it will get better. i will do everything in my power to make it better anyway. i just hope he does too..
maybe its cos i really need to book this holiday and i can't. i am beginning to slip under the currents of life. i feel like i am drowning among all the shit. no sleep, no money. anxiety is at an all time high. i need to recharge my batteries. get away from it all, sun it the fuck up!
maybe one day i will pluck up the courage to see someone about my mental shit. not that its ever worked in the past though. i must have "druggy" written on my head cos they wont prescribe shit! aaah well....
just gotta keep plodding on....as boring as it is.....
i have stopped going out, rarely drink and stim use is monthly at most, shame its the shitty mcat tho. would kill for some MDMA, never cared much for speed but i have taken my fair share of it..and damn i miss coke! if i were to ever get addicted to anything, that would be it. thats why i had to say goodbye....so i am being quite good with the uppers mainly because i cant stand comedowns. i feel like ending it all....my pure hell! problem is tho i like the benzo's. etizolam are probably not the best ones going but they certainly do the job, help me relax, help me sleep. good job i am shit scared of withdrawals to be fair or i would be taking them a hell of a lot more.... they may seem like little wonder pills but i know better.
where did i make the transition from uppers to downers? its not just the etizolam, its codeine, sleepers....what ever i can get my hands on for a good nights sleep. not good i am aware but 16 years of on/off insomnia is just bad!
i miss the days where i used to love music. i feel too much like a grown up now.