Work work work work work work work

Fine by me -- I get paid next Friday!

I just need to keep myself well until then... urgh.

Work is fine, though. I'm sure it'd be much better on heroin... bleh. Save the heroin for after work. Last thing I want to do is get caught using heroin at work. Plus the bathrooms fucking suck... I'm going to have to think of something genius.

All this vegan food is killing me. Not that it's bad, per se, but my poor stomach

OH WELL... gotta go to sleep or I'll be late for work... again... that's not a good look...

 

Yeah keep the H for after work. Drugs are much more fun if they're your 'reward' after doing something productive.

You need to avoid being late, certainly the first few weeks/months. First impression is very important.

Good luck

 

If you're going straight from omnivorous to vegan, there can be an adjustment period, for sure. Especially with your flora-- expect a lot of gas for a few months. It does diminish over time, though.

 

So... yeah... I was late two days in a row & I think I lost my job. I won't know until Monday though. It was only like 12-13 minutes each time but that's kind of a lot. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Yay, me. Must high five myself on that one. What a fucking joke of a person I am.

Good thing my birthday is on Tuesday and I get to celebrate being unemployed again. GOD DAMN IT. 26 years old...another birthday without my mom or dad...no one gives a shit..I had to try so hard not to jump in front of the train as I was going home... Disappointment. My girlfriend is being supportive but I don't know how she really feels. Fucking embarrassing... I can't do anything right... I want to die so badly... Just thinking over and over and over about today... FUCK... I just want to drop dead right now...

I think I sprained my wrist punching my desk. I'm also about to go into withdrawals soon... so that's going to be great as well. Last year I was dope sick on my birthday. God, everything is just so fucked up again. Sigh.

I hate myself so much right now and I want to self harm so badly...

 

Try not to jump to conclusions, hun. I know it's easy to do, but it won't do any good. Even if you do lose your job, you can pick yourself up and get another one. Self hatred and self harm won't get you anywhere. Be kind to yourself please. There are a lot of people that care for you.

 

What spork said. I have been struggling with the same stuff for a while now; no work, no income, feeling like a parasite. I still do, instead of putting all your thoughts and energy into thinking "I fucked up again, I'm a failure" try thinking "What will it take for me to become happy?", try not to waste any time on negative thoughts, because they won't help you, on the contrary. Taking action, on the other hand, will.

I realized I can't be happy if I need to live with constant anxiety. I have been putting all my energy and time into going out and facing my social phobia head-on while getting off these little devils called benzos. I'm lucky I have a family that is good to me, even after all the crap I've put them through. (Just like you are lucky with such a caring girlfriend ) They know I have good intentions, but there's so many things I am just not ready to do, while I should be. They don't understand addiction, but my parents have alot of empathy (people say I do too ) and they know me well enough to see that when it comes down to it, I'm a good person. A person who is struggling to find his way. Eventhough I don't know you in real life, I can see you are a good person too.

Don't beat yourself up and don't start worrying until you're certain. Go to work on monday, don't be late ever again (If you can't get out of bed think about how shitty you felt for being late now). If your boss(es) don't say anything, work your ass off. If you can show them you're serious about this job and you want to work, I don't see why they wouldn't give you another chance. Even if you do get fired (I'm really hoping you don't), it's far from the end of the world. There's SO many jobs out there. Even if it's not the job of your dreams, taking a job doesn't mean you have to do it for the rest of your life.

Please don't hurt yourself over something as trivial as losing a job. It may not seem like a small thing when it happens, but there will always be jobs for those who are willing to work. Please concider that.

You will find your way, never give up hope! Good luck!!!

 

Thanks again for bringing me back down to earth when all I want to do is get lost in my own unhealthy thought loops

It's just stupid things -- like, we need a new couch -- I wanted to buy that for our living room... or we try to feed our dogs a really good brand of dog food and I would have gotten an employee discount on it making it more affordable... I wanted to take my family to dinner for my birthday & pay for it myself... all of those shameful things that I won't get to do... I hope I just get a stern warning... I guess I will see tomorrow...

Thanks for the well wishes once again. I was just so fucking happy I got this job and then to fuck it up so soon afterwards... UGH! I am trying not to dwell, I made an emergency appointment with my therapist... he will be helpful... He's told me he's been fired from multiple jobs so he started his own business! Ha! After a couple of nights sleep I am feeling a bit stronger... Thanks again, ((hugs)) to you all who have been my virtual friends... there's really no one else I can bother with this stuff...

My girlfriend has been doing Nar-Anon (support group for loved ones of addicts) and I don't know how she's going to change... I think she might have started drinking again too, because of me... it's just so hard... always trying to balance on a see-saw of being homeless or having a place to live; being employed or unemployed; being high or being sick... It fucking sucks... this is not a fun roller coaster at all.

Yet I still cannot manage to make myself want to be done with the lifestyle and be sober forever... I've been using drugs almost half of my life... something has to be wrong inside of my head...

But anyway sorry I am rambling, thanks again.

 

Thanks again, ((hugs)) to you all who have been my virtual friends... there's really no one else I can bother with this stuff...

I know how that feels... I'm the only one of my friends who has fallen this deep into addiction. There is one friend who can somewhat relate, but he's nowhere near as much of a druggy as me. He's just been struggling with benzos for a while now, like me. Other than that he only smokes weed and occasionally uses MDMA. Still he has the most understanding attitude of all my friends. He's the only one who can truly understand how incapacitating anxiety can be. I haven't even known him for that long, but I can always have a good talk with him. I like it. Alot of my other friends whom I've known longer act like they're superior because they don't have anxiety to cope with. I'm not comfortable around some of them because they act this way, but my best friends are also amongst them.. Which really sucks imo..

Other than that, this is the only place I can talk about how I feel and how I'm doing where there are people who actually understand the problems associated with addiction, depression and anxiety.

I still cannot manage to make myself want to be done with the lifestyle and be sober forever... I've been using drugs almost half of my life... something has to be wrong inside of my head...

A change in lifestyle doesn't have to mean being sober forever. But if you cannot use drugs without addiction.. It's a problem. I have realized I don't want to stop using drugs recreationally. I want to stop ABusing drugs and stop being dependent on them.

Bottomline; I want to be able to be happy when I'm sober. Not caring about when the next time I'll get high will be. I wanna be happy just knowing there's a time and place for everything, including drugs. I have read this somewhere on the forum. "I don't want my life to revolve around drugs, I want drugs to revolve around my life." It's pretty much what I want. I wish I could spend my money on useful things and if I have spare money, maybe spend some of the remainder on drugs.

I hope I can get to that point one day and I hope the same for you. Or, ofcourse, never wanting to use drugs again would be ideal (for us both I think). But well.. I do want to keep using drugs so I'm slowly learning to say "not now" to drugs. Difficult, but ever since that became my goal things have been changing for the better..

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So, what did they say at work? You know by now, don't you?

 

Yup, shit canned.

 

Yeah I saw it in the "how high" thread, what a bummer..
When I got fired I felt like crap too. It sucks. Just bear in mind that getting sacked feels alot worse than it actually is.

I bet you can find another job in no time if you want to. Good luck!

 

That sucks, hun. Please don't let this get you down too much. It might be hard for a bit, but in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. You can find something else.