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Either I'm about to have a psychotic break or I'm really feeling this good and happy for no reason....

Dancing around my house <3
When one is an opiate/opioid addict, one becomes acquainted with all manner of their own disgusting bodily fluids. Things one can never really imagine coming from within are expelled with a mighty force; one can liken this to an exorcism of sorts. Perhaps even your body screaming, "No! Stop! Before it's too late!"

But I was never one to listen to what people tell me to do. Not even to myself. You say up, I say down. You say left, I say right. Ad nauseum.

The first one is vomit. Usually, when one is new to opiates, one will puke after using every single time. Some people become accustomed to the opiate nausea and do not puke anymore and some people puke every single time. It's really a crap shoot. [Har har.] Also, when one is sick from lack of opiates when one has a physical dependence, vomiting is very common as well. So you get used to that pretty quickly. I'm sure most people have drank alcohol to the point of vomiting or else have had a stomach flu at one point in their lives. I personally have a history of bulimia, so vomiting is not something that scares me. However, I did just vomit a great deal of yellow bile all over my bathroom. That was awesome.

Next up, urine. Urine retention is a side effect when using opiates! Sometimes, you can sit on the toilet for 15 minutes and not squeeze out a single drop. It's very uncomfortable and damaging to your kidneys and body in general. Once you finally go, however, sweet relief!

Now... feces. There's incredible amounts of constipation. Stool impaction. Ripping of the anal lining. Etc, etc. One must try to be as hydrated as possible and eat enough fiber so as to maintain a semblance of normal bowel movements. When in withdrawals, this rock hard stool turns into basically pissing out of your ass. It's fantastic, especially when it's the 6th time that day. Can anyone say hemorrhoids?!

Then there is sweat. You sweat more and get overheat while high on opiates as well as when withdrawing from opiates. You may find you can soak an entire sheet in an hour. You don't know whether you're hot or cold or both.

Tears, when in withdrawal, will stream down your face as if you were watching Titanic for the first time while holding your dead dog.

Mucus will stream from your nose while in withdrawal and you will feel like you're in 2nd grade again.

And that, my friends, is that. If you're a female there's the bonus of having your period! Which is just sublime when you're dope sick. Trust me. I know.

I apologize for having written that, but I had to get it out of my head because I'm so fucking disgusted. I just puked a bunch of bile all over my bathroom. It was awesome.
I started writing a book a few weeks ago, about the shit that's happened to me over the last few years. I'm in a whole bunch of legal trouble, so I have nothing to lose, really. I mean, I'm a convicted felon for the rest of my life. I can't vote. Can't own a firearm. Can't leave the country, or even my federal district. Whatever. I made a stupid mistake and got caught. I'm dealing with it. Anyway, if you have any interest in this, here's the Kickstarter page for the book I'm writing:

http://kck.st/QJE5ZN
One thing good is no more sleep paralysis

But besides the rls, headaches, trouble falling/staying asleep, sleeping on an air mattress is

My dreams they have been so fucked up. I dreamt I had a baby and it died from SIDS.i dreamt yesterday that I was shot on the stomach and everyone told me I'm having a panic attack wtf

And last night I guess from reading a certain ridiculous post I dreamt my brother tried to kiss me ahhhh even in my dream I was gagging....literally but I didn't want him to know so I was being sly. Just ficking weird.

I think this is a fucked up part of getting clean being my dreams feel so real and when I wake up I feel all awkward and disturbed like they are real memories fml
I'm feeling so fuckig worthless and I hate it fuck I want to pull my hair out. I'm going crazy....

I feel like people will always know I'm a junky even when I'm 10 years clean because of track marks and I'm embarrassed and ashamed..


That is all.
I think I somewhat have my addiction under control. I work part-time Mon thru Friday and I get paid on Wednesday. I usually spend most of that money on heroin then I usually binge from Wednesday to Saturday morning. Then I deal with very minor w/d's (bad cravings tho) that go away on Monday just in time for the work week to start. But I usually don't use from Sat. morning to Wed. night when I get paid. I mean obviously using 4 days a week is a bad thing and the w/d's are a bitch even though they are relatively mild. I'll admit i'm addicted but I think it's a controlled addiction.

Now obviously if I ever get a pay raise or more hours I think that will send me into a full-blown dope addiction but for now I think I have a solid system going that keeps my tolerance low and withdrawals are also kept to a minimum.
My mom found out I've been doing heroin. After all the lengths I went to in order to make sure she didn't know, the IOP I have now completely disowned and will never go back to called her and told her because I was having withdrawals during group. What. The. FUCK.

I lived in my car for two days before my mom finally agreed to let me come back home and detox here. But now she's always ultra-suspicious of everything I do. For instance, I have horrible insomnia. I'll go for days at a time without any real sleep. This causes me to fall asleep randomly throughout the day. It's been like that ever since I can remember, but now apparantly to my mother, me sleeping = nodding out. She said those exact words to me: "I've been watching you nod off."

Idk I'm just really annoyed at the world right now. Ugh.
I guess I'm going through some identity crisis. I don't fucking know. I do know that If I continue on the drug path I'll never know who I really am or what I'm supposed to be doing, because with the roller coaster of addiction I never have time for deep rational thought or a care to.
So i am feel pretty guilty about relapsing but then again i needed it sort of if that makes sense.....

I was trying to keep my spirits up as im a generally happy person but fuck. W/d had turned me in a crazed nut. I swear my emotion have. Been on predictable I feel like jumping out of my skin sometimes.

I think im handlin this pretty fckn well actually.

I watch comedian stand up and talk to people as much as possible to keep myself smiling because i feel like since i stopped using its getting harder n harder to continue to just smile or laugh. Everyting feels heavy on my shoulders and these new emotions are hard to handle suc as guilt anxiety lonliness bordem.....
The only thing about the baclofen that bothers me are the side effects...especially after long term alcoholism....I could not figure out how the GABA-b receptor agonist like baclofen can potentially stop cravings for alcohol when studies have shown alcohol may involve an increase in dopamine and GABA-a.(the euphoria from dopamine and the sedative effects of GABA-a combined are what most alcoholics crave(well at least after my own research of neurotransmitters.....and way to many other neurotransmitters)......but i do see how the effects of a selective GABA receptors like baclofen can help by mimicking the side effects of the alcohol on the GABA-a receptor.....but probably not for long and the side effects are dangerous.....and long term side effects...If i were an alcoholic...I am not sure what I would choose....because both can cause life threatening side effects...and withdraw....The more I think about it it is driving me crazy to know how a drug like baclofen (acting on GABA-b) and the side effects and withdraw is almost exactly like Benzo's (acting on GABA-a)..what is even the point of switching.....You would really have to outweigh all the risks and benefits.....which in this case I really can't tell you because both alcohol and baclofen cause impaired thinking.......sedative effects....severe withdraw............
MaYbe the reason i leave my life an open fucking book is because i am screaming out for your attention.
I was talking with this guy.

He looked great. Ge was healthy had a beautiful new home with his wife and step daughter. His new wife who loves her job worked and he stayed home taking care of their daughter and cleaning the house.

While taking to him i realized holy shit their life is fucking perfect.

But as we talked i learned more. Some rather disturbing things that threw off their entire facade.

On the inside this was no ordinary guy. He had actually had a life like a lot of us. I found out he was a meth addict for 15 years. Crazy huh? And ge has now been clean 9 years.

He mistakes while on meth laste a very long time. Their happy looking fanily wasnt really happy at all. He made a decision while taking meth to get a total vasectomy and had lost all he had.

His new wife wants nothing more from him than a kid. They are struggling trying to save up money to get it reversed or someshit...
He told me he used to live in a shit hole apartment doing meth and vowed to never have kids.

We kept talking and i just sat their puzzled as to how this man with this perfect life could have ever been a junky let alone sitting here relating to me!

I(((((ll finish the rest of wht just happened in a bit im going into walmart.....
Yeah title pretty much says it all. She can tell everytime even when i'm not nodding. No one else can tell even my friends who use hard drugs. Shit's annoying man because i'm trying to hide this heroin problem from her but no dice. She also loves to gossip so pretty much all my relatives know that I use drugs. She didn't tell them about my heroin use but they think I smoke weed and pop percs (which I do but it's none of their fucking business un

While my stepdad goes nuts on me for every little fuck up. I hit a curb with my car a few months bag, no damage, but he starts yelling at me calling me a fuck up who shouldn't drive and shit. This is just an example of shit that happens daily. I use more then one paper towel while eating...i'm a piece of shit fuck up. He says that I will thank him later for being so hard on me, he's so fucking delusional. I will be thankful when my part-time job becomes a full-time job and i'm able to move out of this shithole. How do you expect me to deal with this emotional abuse on a daily basis without killing myself? Why heroin of course! Klonopin also helps me sleep more, and care less, but the heroin is doing modt ofdfff........*nods off*
My mother and I are currently homeless again. We have been since last Wednesday and have been staying at a hotel ever since. Wow, life doesn't get any easier does it? I don't even know what to say besides I want heroin more than ever. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this shit.
Finally saw Origin perform last night.

Absolutely amazing show. Thursday night in a back alley Brooklyn bar, excellent mix of metal dudes and ladies, perfect vibe, excellent beer, crowd surfing musicians, spot on musicianship. So pissed they diddnt have any tour shirts in reasonable size! The vibe was really great, lots of people able to crowd surf. It was very interesting when one particular woman jumped in for a surf, all the men were so concerned with being "polite" with handling her that everyone got confused as to where to put their hands and she couldnt stay balanced for long and had to come down. The new vocalist Jason Keyser (whom I loved on Skinless' last album) is a rad dude, was doing stand up comedy in between tracks (though I liked the former guy's vocals better). He was crowd surfing and maintaining the vocals perfectly. I was getting antsy waiting for tracks from Antithesis, and when they busted out Finite the mosh pit exploded (Im not a mosher personally). Their guitar player is one of the best in the business, watching his fingerwork is really rewarding. Can rip through any random song in their discog and play it as tight as in the studio.

Thing is, Ive "just missed" these guys about 4 times. Ive gone to several shows in Philly or NJ and due to the epic fuck up that is all of NJ's traffic/transit system, I end up being just late enough to miss Origin's spot on the lineup. Would have loved to have seen them on the Antithesis tour, but Entity is a great tour to catch nonetheless.

Its shit like this that reminds me of what a wonderful place Brooklyn is, and why it has such a vastly different identity than NYC. I havent left my borough in about 2-3 months now, and probably have left it 5-6 times total in all of 2012. Im over it with urban life, and am spiritually prepared to move deep into the remnants of Nature for the foreseeable future, but yet I still remain indentured to this system for some time. I loathe anything that makes me go into the city, with the exception of the seemingly infinite women of course (such a simple creature I am). But now I have little reason to leave BK ever. Of the places I have lived on the Earth, this is the only one place in civilization that has left me not feeling like a total alien. Its the only place I can actually feel sort of normal. The only place I feel I actually blend in. My mind is always stuck in the jungle, and Ill make it back to my true home soon, but for now the concrete jungle of this borough is my dwelling.

Im a person made for heat, sun, and summer. I can deal with 6 months of warm monsoon for 6 months of endless sun. We have a very nice relationship. I always have had a very low feeling as fall comes on, its like this foreboding manifestation that is here to remind me its winter time. I hate winter. I get so mad in winter, whenever someone says something positive about snow, I almost want to label them a propagandist and have the secret police make them disappear in the night. Its selfish but Ive never not felt like a cranky baby all winter long. Though it does make Spring out to be ecstasy.

This fall feels totally different. I cant wait for it. Im very excited to see what the next few weeks bring. I think this is going to be a wonderful winter.

By day this urban sprawl seems like such a stiff, isolated, tense, and formidable place, but get a few beers into the bk and the craziest fucking weirdos become such great family. My partner and I have met some amazing people in the last few weeks, and weve uncovered quite the tribe of likeminded fellows. Two of my most favorite lady-friends are rekindling their relationship, and it seems like our once-gone-separate-ways party group may be nebulizing back together. Ive got this burning, mischievous, deviant, powerful energy inside me. There is a lot of love going around lately, and it seems to be in high supply. For carving out the essence of the human experience, this is a wonderful place to start.

\m/
... someone in TDS suggested keeping a journal would help, so I figured I'd use my blog on Bluelight. I've always been better at keeping up with blogs than I have actual journals, so.

I start Intensive Outpatient on Monday. I really should have done this yesterday and given my system more time to get rid of the dope, but I highly doubt they're going to scream and yell and kick me out of the program for failing my very first drug test. I mean, MOST people show up to these types of things already dirty. I think they know that when a drug addict knows they're going into a program where they can't use, whether it be detox or rehab or outpatient, they're going to give themselves one last hoorah.

Anyway, I bought one last .4 yesterday, and I just finished my last shot a few hours ago, at 6:30 pm. It's barely 9 pm, and already I've had to fight off thoughts of picking up more and doing it *just one last time*...

UPDATE: Well, I started writing this way earlier. As I'm writing this, it is exactly 12 am, and I already went and fucked up and copped. I KNEW I should have spent all of my money! I'm so sick of doing this to myself. I'm seriously SO disappointed in myself right now. Why is it so goddamn easy to justify buying "just" one more? "Well, I don't start inpatient until Monday, and I'll have all day tomorrow and until 6 pm Monday to detox, if I do it all tonight that should be fine, and it's not like they're going to expect me to show up clean on my first day anyway!"

^ THAT... is how freaking easy it is to justify this shit. Hell, I can justify myself while I'm there if I really wanted to, I'm sure. AND THAT IS WHAT SCARES ME! I'm TOO good at justifying copping "one more time". Maybe it will be easier once I actually start inpatient and the threat of three-times-weekly drug tests and homelessness if I don't pass are RIGHT in my face.

I sure hope so...

I don't know if I can stay clean, but I'm sure as hell going to try my hardest. What I do know, is that I'm going to walk into that facility on Monday with a very open mind and eager to get EVERY SINGLE THING I CAN out of that day's group. I don't care if I'm new and those other drug addicts and those counselors are strangers and I don't know anyone from Abraham Lincoln and don't want them to know my personal business... if speaking up and sharing something personal is what I feel I have to do at the time to stay clean, that's what I'm going to do damn it! Fuck! I need this sobriety! And I am SO mad at myself for failing already... WITHIN ONLY FIVE FREAKING HOURS! I mean, come on... five HOURS?! What is that shit?!

You know, before now I was incredibly pissed off that most of my days would be spent at this facility. It's 6 days out of the week, every day except Sunday. Now I'm GLAD most of my days will be spent there, because I am making it my mission to get everything I possibly can out of this godforsaken program so that I can maybe possibly have a LITTLE BIT OF HOPE at changing my godforsaken stupid life! I will even put my all into family nights, and I hate family nights... I DREAD someone saying something my mom doesn't know and her finding out about it and kicking me out! If she ever knew I did heroin... OH MY GOD I would be out of this house faster than it would take me to cook up a shot! Or even say the WORD 'heroin'! She thinks I'm trying to get all this help - these detox centers, rehab facilities, and counsellors - for Suboxone (which I got on for Vicodin), and that I'm "having trouble tapering off Suboxone" and so that I'll be "confident I won't relapse on painkillers". She knows nothing about my use of hard drugs, and she can't know, because she has made it very clear that if I get addicted to "anything else ever again" (other than my past addiction to painkillers), I'm out of a place to live. Once, she found some gear in my room, but she didn't find any rigs and therefore didn't fully know what she had found - just that it was drug related, although heroin was her first guess since my dumbass came home from rehab talking about it a lot, whereas I had never talked about it before then - and I barely dodged that bullet by making up some dumb excuse as to why they were there... an excuse that had nothing to do with me, of course. But she was still royally pissed off. So needless to say, I am scared shitless of family nights. I don't think anyone will purposely say anything, but someone might innocently make a remark in passing about heroin and address the other heroin users, or one of the counselors might say something to her (because they're APPARANTLY allowed to tell her if I relapse and what I relapsed on... another reason why relapsing is SO NOT AN OPTION... which by the way pissed me off when I found out they would tell her but that's another story for another day, and I really need to talk to them about that), or I don't know... something. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but hey, anything is possible.

Moral of the story: I don't know how the fuck I'm going to go through 16 open-forum-type group family nights without my mother somehow learning about what I do. God. I'm so petrified of this happening. I need to start typing about something else now.

Actually you know what, I'm just gonna stop typing altogether right now. I'm so pissed off! I'm pissed off at myself for getting myself into this mess to begin with and for fucking up tonight and for not just quitting when I had the chance, at the people in the outpatient program who I don't even know yet but for the possibility of them slipping up and accidentally saying something wrong, at the piece of shit person who introduced me to heroin in the first place and for introducing me right away via IV and making me jump into the deep end, at the people who sold it to me every time I went out to cop for making it so easy, at the intensive outpatient program for declaring to me that they would tell my mother if I relapsed and therefore making me worry all the time that they'll tell her I use dope anyway any time they fucking feel like it, at my mother for not understanding addiction and making it so difficult for me to confide in her and for making it so I'm too scared of her to just trust her with my damn problems, at society for stigmatizing heroin to the point where people like my mother even react to heroin addiction this way in the first place, and at the world in general... just for being so fucked up and cruel and soulless.

I'm angry at everything and everyone. I'm rambling. I'm too pissed off to make sense. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm done with this blog, so ta-ta for now. Will update tomorrow when I ACTUALLY QUIT FOR GOOD.

First thing in the morning, I'm heading out to buy cigarettes with the rest of the money so that I absolutely cannot cop again. I can make up bullshit justifications until I'm blue in the face, but I'm pretty sure they won't make money magically appear in my bank account. And if I don't have any money in my bank account, I can't go cop. Plain and simple.

Okay for real now THE END.
Im not too big on Shakespeare but "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is never far from my mind. Yesterday it was ringing in my ears after a two hour online chat with Joysa. We had occasionally talked-usually by phone-since that anti climatic New Years Eve soiree where I.brained her cousin's live in lover with an iPhone.

Usually the conversations involved her begging me for another chance, me angrily denying it to her and her response culminating in Joysa swearing she hates me, yadda, yadda, and motherfucking yadda. Yesterday though she was out for blood. Telling me I was full of shit, never followed through on promises and like minded romantic bon mots, she took great joy in telling me she now "belongs" to some old American cracker.

I told her I pitied the geezer and might just track him down to warn him what he was dealing with. Joysa slammed on the brakes and begged me to leave him in peace, adding, "Please, I really want to see the world." In other words, she is fucking some old man in hopes of snaring a visa to the US or whatever other Western shithole Grandpa Cottonhead stops over in.

It was a rare moment, perhaps an epiphany, as I realised just how conniving Joysa really.is. See, when I met her she sucked me in by swearing she didnt care where but she wanted to live with me...she wanted to convert to Judaism...she wanted nothing more than to spend her lfe with me. Her sincerity-or so I thought-was touching...Months later, like any capable grifter, she somehow talked me into moving her to Israel, with the understanding that I would bring her parents and brother along...I didnt commit to her scheme but offered a lackluster, "Well...IF we ever get to a point where we consider a serious commitment, I dont see why not."

From that point on she aggressively pursued her scheme and that is why I tired of her and began looking for another lover last Autumn. That is the sad thing about the Philippines. If you are white you are a walking ATM in most Filipino's eyes. You represent a way out of a shithole of a country. The most gorgeous girls you can imagine fawn over you like you are a rockstar and it goes to most mens' heads (corny double entendre, drumroll maestro), but the fact of the matter is, they dont give a shit about you, only what you can provide. It sounds oh so cynical but for better or for worse it is reality there.

Chatted with Lovely for four hours and she asked me if I really loved her...You see, her thing.now is that she just wont believe I actually love her. I wont get into the particulars at the moment but that is indeed the jist of the current impasse. I answered her honestly in telling her I do love her and that she is the only woman I have ever loved. Her response shocked.me. "If you truly love me Raki, please let me go. I dont feel stressed now, worrying about whether you will leave me (for another). Im able to sleep and I know I can forget you in time..."

What does one say to that? Love isnt selfish, it is about doing whatever it takes to make your love happy. The thing is, I love her. I am 45, I have never felt anything for any woman. In my culture there is no such thing as romantic love...I finally feel it and Im to let it go because she cannot handle others wanting me? I answered her, "You say you are happy now because you dont have to worry about losing me. Are you happier than you were in my arms?
Are you as passionate as you were with me on the roof under the stars? Are you as excited about your future as you were when we planned our life together? Dont fool yourself, if I step off there will be no chances, I will make a life with another and you will never, ever feel the way you felt with me. Im coming home soon, before your birthday (September 6th), qe will talk it out and if, face to face, you really want me to leave you, I will, but I love you, ad you love me, and this is not how this will end."

She was at the cellphone shop and began crying but told me I am right. I told her " just relax, is the pain you are creating for the both of us any different than the pain you fear from me leaving? You are so scared of losing me that you throw me away and ruin both our lives? I am yours, you know I am, I wont leave you," and on that note we signed off.

I do not know how it will turn out but I will see it through either way.
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memantine -

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amantadine -

-Unsurprisingly, these chemicals were first approved for use in the treatment of Parkinson's disease, and more recently for moderate-to-severe Alzheimer's. They both act primarily as NMDA glutamate-type receptor antagonists; by now the reader should realize the importance, and consequent prevalence, of NMDA antagonistic drugs in the pursuit of enhanced cognitive abilities, particularly in learning and memory.

-These are new drugs, as far as clinical usage goes, and so their pharmacological actions are poorly understood. From the reading I've done, it seems that in addition to their modulation of NMDA/glutamate receptors, they act on dopamine systems. Memantine is an agonist at the D2 receptor (which is the most relevant for our purposes), while amantadine increases dopamine release and inhibits its reuptake. This property is clinically relevant in Parkinson's, although it is considered a weak option (therapeutically).

-An interesting use of amantadine was in the treatment of the flu, including avian influenza. Due to the massive amount of amantadine administered to chickens by Chinese farmers (in order to prevent bird flu), as well as its widespread use in flu vaccines, most strains of influenza are resistant or immune to amantadine. Although the obsolescence of amantadine as flu treatment has reduced its market presence, companies with an interest in the manufacture of this drug are likely to conduct more research into its use as an antiparkinsons agent.

-->Clearly, there is a trend amongst these potential nootropics in that they are literally almost ALL used exclusively in the treatment of Parkinson's or Alzheimer's. Perhaps we should take all the drugs used in treatment of these disorders (which hmmmm ultimately produce severe degeneracy of cognitive function or motor function) and give them approval for use in the general public. At least those who were brave enough and cared enough about maximizing their mental acuity would have the OPTION to expand the bounds of their neurological capacity. Oh well, one day; until then I'll just hope we move towards it and convince doctors that I have Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. Haha, just kidding about that last part. (luckily, many of these drugs are starting to be approved for a variety of things, opening the door to legitimate cognitive augmentation).




- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selegiline -

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenylethylamine -

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbidopa -

-In my opinion, this has the potential to be a genius combination of chemicals, but also risky to push the envelope with dosages; careful monitoring of the physiological effects of all chemicals, as well as their interactions, would be key to safety. Luckily selegiline has shown low to non-existent potential for a tyramine-induced hypertensive crisis, and the MAO-B selectivity of selegiline can be maintained through modest dose administration.

-Selegiline's primary mechanism of action is MAO-B inhibition; this allows extended duration of extracellular concentrations of dopamine and phenylethylamine (PEA) due to less enzyme breakdown activity (monoamine oxidase B is responsible for the metabolism of dopamine and PEA). Also, its been shown to have neuroprotective qualities following administration of common brain toxins.

-Oral ingestion of PEA is ineffective, due to the rapid metabolism by MAO-B; selegiline is able to inhibit that breakdown enough to make p.o. administration feasible. However, due to the physically uncomfortable peripheral effects (e.g. anxiety, fidgeting, myoclonus, etc.) that high levels of phenylethylamine and dopamine in the PNS can cause, moderation is necessary. The third chemical in this grouping (carbidopa) is suspected (by me) to reduce these undesirable physical effects, while maintaining (or increasing) the activity of dopamine and PEA in the CNS.

-Therefore, the kicker here is carbidopa, which is used in treating Parkinson's disease. Dopamine does not readily cross the blood brain barrier, which means direct ingestion or administration of dopamine (which is actually readily available in many foods) is ineffective in increasing neuronal dopamine concentrations. Carbidopa is used to inhibit DOPA Decarboxylase (DDC), which is involved in the breakdown of L-DOPA, a chemical precursor to dopamine; clinically, L-DOPA is the first line of pharmacological intervention in Parkinson's disease. L-DOPA CAN be administered directly to increase cellular dopamine concentrations, but much of it can be metabolized in the peripheral nervous system (PNS), instead of the central nervous system (CNS) where it exerts its beneficial effects. Thus, by inhibiting DDC, (which is only present and active in the PNS), more L-DOPA and other dopamine related compounds are able to cross the BBB, which enhances the subjective CNS stimulation of these compounds while simultaneously attenuating the unwanted PNS effects.

-In summary, the combination of these three chemicals allows for unprecedented levels of dopamine/PEA in the CNS, without the distracting physical agitation typically produced by high extracellular dopamine/PEA concentrations.

-->While the physiological effects conferred by this combo are surely impressive, neuronal excitotoxicity becomes a concern with such constant and heavy electrochemical bombardment. This issue will be addressed with specific antagonist drugs acting in vulnerable brain pathways.

*(I would prefer rasagiline actually, it has a more potent activity, both in its MAO-B inhibition and neuroprotection; however, it is currently only approved for use in patients with Parkinson's, as well possibly in Alzheimer's, so that's a long shot.)




- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisdexamfetamine -

-Now, I like this chemical for a few reasons. First off, the pharmacokinetic profile engineered by the (pro)drug's developer is sheer brilliance; not only does the design of the molecule prevent its abuse, but it provides a very smooth and consistent release of the active chemical. Basically, lisdexamfetamine is the essential amino acid l-lysine bound to the ubiquitous psychostimulant dextroamphetamine. Before the dextroamphetamine can be absorbed by the body, a digestive enzyme called trypsin must break the peptide bond linking lysine to the amphetamine molecule. This is a rate-controlled reaction; although the digestion and absorption of instant (and even extended-release) formulations of amphetamine salts can be greatly affected by factors like gastrointestinal pH, rate of metabolism, etc., lisdexamfetamine consistently provides a smooth effect, due to the maximum achievable rate of hydrolysis. Also, first pass liver metabolism is required to turn the prodrug into active d-amphetamine, which makes the typical routes of abuse (insufflation, injection, etc.) not only ineffective, but completely futile. With the perfection of a smooth release of d-amphetamine, as well as removal of the unnecessary and intolerable levoratory isomer of amphetamine (present in Adderall), this formulation of amphetamine finally tames the unwieldy, powerful, and inconsistent CNS stimulant. It takes away the guessing game of absorption/bioavailability of typical amp combos, and basically packages d-amp with the most biologically tolerable composition possible.

-->In my humble opinion, and from personal experience, amphetamines should be taken with extreme caution and supervision from medical professionals. Despite the impressive performance boosts amphetamines can bestow upon an individual, the risk for dependence, tolerance, and even addiction is high. In fact, the only reason this formulation of d-amp is a realistic option to take for prolonged periods is the relatively benevolent side-effect profile of lisdexamfetamine, along with decreased abuse/dependence liability.



Thanks for reading! I hope you found it interesting and relevant to your interests.
Let me know what you think! Currently I'm on Selegiline, started only recently. Hoping to add Modafinil on Wednesday. I take some vitamins that contain Huperzine A and some other random things that aren't on this list. I plan on ordering some of the racetams, and possibly PEA (although I have phenylalanine which I've been taking with some positive results). The Parkinson's/Alzheimer's drugs will be harder to get prescribed, but a lot of research is starting to show their efficacy in treating drug addiction and enhancing cognitive performance.

Enjoy.

My ultimate nootropic/smart drug/cognitive enhancement/neuropharmacological augmentation wishlist:



Piracetam/Oxiracetam
Memantine/Amantadine
Huperzine A/Galantamine
Phenylethylamine (PEA)
Selegiline* (l-deprenyl)
Modafinil
Carbidopa
Lisdexamfetamine (optional)




- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modafinil -

-Promoter of wakefulness; shown to reverse cognitive deficits induced by sleep deprivation, and in fact rhesus monkeys outperformed their rested test scores, while sleep deprived, after administration of modafinil. Currently Schedule IV in the United States, and unregulated in many foreign countries, meaning likely to be readily available.

-Additionally, suspected to have antagonistic properties at the NMDA receptor (n-methyl d-aspartate, heavily involved in learning, memory, etc.); upregulation can result, i.e. cells increase the number of available glutamate receptors to compensate for the perceived decrease in electrochemical signaling. At the same time, the constant inhibition of glutamate signaling prevents excitotoxicity, which is the main cause of cell death in these types of cells, particularly when chemicals that increase synaptic levels of glutamate are involved. As I mentioned earlier, minimizing excitotoxic conditions will be key in preventing burnout when administering multiple compounds that increase cellular signaling.

-->Please note that the NMDA antagonistic properties of modafinil are possibly mild, or perhaps not even responsible for its cognitive enhancing qualities; more research needs to be conducted. Furthermore, other, more selective pharmacological solutions will be employed to prevent excitotoxicity and modulate NMDA and other glutamate receptor systems.




- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piracetam -

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxiracetam -

Both in the family of nootropic drugs known as "racetams"; functional studies give evidence for benefits, e.g. improved vocabulary recall in college students given piracetam. Less is known about oxiracetam, but studies show that it can be safely taken long term, has good bioavailability, and does cross the blood brain barrier (BBB); whereas large doses of piracetam are necessary due to its inferior absorption and neural propagation, even modest doses of oxiracetam remain efficacious. -Racetams are suspected to work on a number of neural networks involved in cognition, memory, and learning. One suggested mechanism of action is increased cell membrane permeability; related processes are improved flow in ion channels, increased oxygen consumption, and improved blood flow within/about the brain in general.

-Another likely mechanism by which racetams act is the modulation of acetylcholine (ACh) receptors/pathways, along with inhibition of acetylcholinesterase. Because acetylcholine and its receptors are heavily involved with glutamate activity, synaptic plasticity is often attributed to healthy levels of ACh and the activity of corresponding neural networks.




- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huperzine_A -

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galantamine -

-Hypothesizing that the benefits of racetam-type drugs are derived (at least partially) from its ACh activity, exploration of other ACh-acting compounds logically follows.

-After some researching (I love wikipedia and how easy it is to cruise around related topics!!! oh yeah pubmed rocks too) I settled on two chemicals that seemed relevant in my search for cognitive augmentation/enhancement, galantamine and huperzine A. Both compounds act as AChE inhibitors, effectively increasing levels of acetylcholine in the brain; huperzine A also acts as an NMDA antagonist (bonus!) while galantamine doubles as an allosteric ligand at ACh receptors.

-Currently, galantamine is approved for clinical use in the amelioration of the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. Progression of this disease is still under scrutiny, but it is thought that degradation and deterioration of ACh receptors by the amyloid beta protein is implicated (think of "plaque-like" protein buildup on receptors). Hence, galantamine is suspected to be effective in alleviating symptoms related to this protein buildup and receptor degeneracy.

-I suspect that these compounds will contribute to improved clarity and accessibility in memory formation and recall, effectively "sharpening" my perceptions and thoughts. Who knows until studies are done, or some adventurous psychonaut gives it a shot? Why wait until I'm old and suffering from Alzheimer's to augment and protect my brain?

-->At this point, we have a lot of chemicals, which often overlap in the neurological systems they act upon. From the options listed so far, piracetam or oxiracetam could be used without the other, and similarly huperzine A and galantamine share most of their mechanisms of action, allowing for use of one or the other. Below, memantine and amantadine are very similar as well and could be interchanged without much loss of desired effect.

-->If I, or anyone else, were to actually give this wish list a test drive, I would follow a few recommendations. First, start with conservative dosages, which have been determined from trustworthy sources; do your research, know what you're taking, and start slow! Everyone's chemistry is different, so it's impossible to know what dose is appropriate without firsthand experience. However, it IS possible to glean ballpark estimates based on the research conducted on these chemicals; taking that information and starting with relatively small amounts is the only responsible way to begin taking nootropics. Besides that, only begin ONE type of therapy/compound at a time; this serves a twofold purpose. For one, you'll actually be able to distinguish which compounds are beneficial, what side effects come from what drugs, and make conclusions with certainty regarding the efficacy of particular chemicals. The other reason to take this process one drug at a time is due to the numerous interactions between these chemicals. There is always the possibility of a bad reaction between chemicals, and I'm sure that as someone adds more of the drugs on the list, the more likely side effects will emerge. By adding only a single adjunctive therapy at a time, the appearance of side effects can be managed effectively. One thing I like about this list is that there are often multiple nootropic options that achieve the same effect; you can always switch chemicals if one is particularly bothersome without missing out on the benefits of that class of nootropics. At the end of this examination of current nootropic therapy options, I will describe the order in which I would begin administering these chemicals, as well as my personal preferences/recommendations between the possible options within a class of chemicals.



Part 1 end
Im not too big on Shakespeare but "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is never far from my mind. Yesterday it was ringing in my ears after a two hour online chat with Joysa. We had occasionally talked-usually by phone-since that anti climatic New Years Eve soiree where I.brained her cousin's live in lover with an iPhone.

Usually the conversations involved her begging me for another chance, me angrily denying it to her and her response culminating in Joysa swearing she hates me, yadda, yadda, and motherfucking yadda. Yesterday though she was out for blood. Telling me I was full of shit, never followed through on promises and like minded romantic bon mots, she took great joy in telling me she now "belongs" to some old American cracker.

I told her I pitied the geezer and might just track him down to warn him what he was dealing with. Joysa slammed on the brakes and begged me to leave him in peace, adding, "Please, I really want to see the world." In other words, she is fucking some old man in hopes of snaring a visa to the US or whatever other Western shithole Grandpa Cottonhead stops over in.

It was a rare moment, perhaps an epiphany, as I realised just how conniving Joysa really.is. See, when I met her she sucked me in by swearing she didnt care where but she wanted to live with me...she wanted to convert to Judaism...she wanted nothing more than to spend her lfe with me. Her sincerity-or so I thought-was touching...Months later, like any capable grifter, she somehow talked me into moving her to Israel, with the understanding that I would bring her parents and brother along...I didnt commit to her scheme but offered a lackluster, "Well...IF we ever get to a point where we consider a serious commitment, I dont see why not."

From that point on she aggressively pursued her scheme and that is why I tired of her and began looking for another lover last Autumn. That is the sad thing about the Philippines. If you are white you are a walking ATM in most Filipino's eyes. You represent a way out of a shithole of a country. The most gorgeous girls you can imagine fawn over you like you are a rockstar and it goes to most mens' heads (corny double entendre, drumroll maestro), but the fact of the matter is, they dont give a shit about you, only what you can provide. It sounds oh so cynical but for better or for worse it is reality there.

Chatted with Lovely for four hours and she asked me if I really loved her...You see, her thing.now is that she just wont believe I actually love her. I wont get into the particulars at the moment but that is indeed the jist of the current impasse. I answered her honestly in telling her I do love her and that she is the only woman I have ever loved. Her response shocked.me. "If you truly love me Raki, please let me go. I dont feel stressed now, worrying about whether you will leave me (for another). Im able to sleep and I know I can forget you in time..."

What does one say to that? Love isnt selfish, it is about doing whatever it takes to make your love happy. The thing is, I love her. I am 45, I have never felt anything for any woman. In my culture there is no such thing as romantic love...I finally feel it and Im to let it go because she cannot handle others wanting me? I answered her, "You say you are happy now because you dont have to worry about losing me. Are you happier than you were in my arms?
Are you as passionate as you were with me on the roof under the stars? Are you as excited about your future as you were when we planned our life together? Dont fool yourself, if I step off there will be no chances, I will make a life with another and you will never, ever feel the way you felt with me. Im coming home soon, before your birthday (September 6th), qe will talk it out and if, face to face, you really want me to leave you, I will, but I love you, ad you love me, and this is not how this will end."

She was at the cellphone shop and began crying but told me I am right. I told her " just relax, is the pain you are creating for the both of us any different than the pain you fear from me leaving? You are so scared of losing me that you throw me away and ruin both our lives? I am yours, you know I am, I wont leave you," and on that note we signed off.

I do not know how it will turn out but I will see it through either way.
I am so sick of people in the substance abuse treatment world telling me this! My addiction specialist assumes it, the outpatient program I'm starting soon assumes it, and because those two places tell my mother I *must* be addicted, she assumes it too! I just want everyone to shut the fuck up!

Here's what happened, pretty much: I have been prescribed benzodiazepines for the past three years for breakthrough anxiety. I have both chronic and acute anxiety, which basically means I'm anxious 24/7, but sometimes it will become too intense and border on a panic attack or actually turn into one. THAT is when I take a benzo (either Xanax or Valium, it's back and forth between the two... idk why they don't prescribe me one thing and stick to it but meh they both do their jobs.) Yes, there WAS one year where my life was absolute SHIT and I had not yet discovered heroin and I was having acute anxiety every day. Back then, I would have to take Xanax a few times a day. (In retrospect, they should have given me Valium; it would have better served my purpose but again... meh.)

This is the part that THESE PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO: I was taking benzodiazepines for an entire YEAR, every day, a few times a day, and I did not become dependent on them. I don't know why. The same thing happened when I was 16 and had to be prescribed Xanax for about a year. I've just gotten REALLY lucky somehow and never developed an addiction OR dependence to them.

I know that's an easy thing to be in denial about, but I'm pretty sure the proof is in the fact that I never had any sort of withdrawal symptoms. I was scared I was going to, because everyone said I would, but I was very pleased when I stopped taking them with minimal problems (I think I twitched a lot for like 6 hours and then everything was fine.) So I had already been on them for 2 years at that point, k? And then two things happened at once: One, I discovered heroin. Two, I learned how to suck it up when I would get what I thought of before as "bad anxiety".

And I stopped taking them. Just like that. Like I said I twitched for a few hours and then all was well. I didn't have any other withdrawal symptoms... I felt perfectly normal... minus the annoying twitching, but whatever - it went away almost as quickly as it came so no harm done. So that was almost another year ago now. Want to know how many benzo scripts I've gone through in the last 8 months? Two. And the last one, I ran out of TWO WEEKS AGO, and I didn't even think about getting it refilled until I was in the doctor's office the other day. Even then it was an afterthought, he left and as an afterthought I was like, "Oh shit I forgot I ran out of Valium" and had to go hunt his nurse down cause he was with another patient already lol.

Even though heroin has become my "anxiety medication" for the most part, I do still get the occasional panic attack. That is the only reason I still pick up a benzo script every now and again. But it literally took me six months to get through a script of 30 Valium. Come on. Does that sound like someone who is addicted, or even dependent?

So this whole arrangement was working out for me JUST FINE. But then... enter Intensive Outpatient Treatment. At my assessment, I stupidly told them I was prescribed benzo's. You'd think I said I was going to bomb the place with the way she reacted. "Does your doctor know you're addicted to heroin?" "Um, yes." "And he prescribes you BENZODIAZEPINES?!" "Um, yes." And then she screeched at me, "YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE WHILE YOU'RE IN TREATMENT HERE!!!!!"

Well, why the fuck not? I asked her. I had tried everything else - I'd tried Vistaril, Buspar, and a variety of anti-depressants that are also supposed to have anxiolytic properties. My doctor didn't put me on Xanax/Valium until it was a last resort. I have tried those other medications AGAIN after being prescribed Xanax, and they didn't work. Again. I explained this to her, and then she was cool about it (for the most part), and simply told me, "Okay. Well, we need written consent from your doctor, but first I need you to go see him and make absolutely CERTAIN there are no other options." I was fine with that; if I had to, getting written consent from him certainly wouldn't be a problem. So, I went on my merry little way. But that was the catalyst for a bunch of stupid BULLSHIT I am currently having to deal with.

So I went to the doctor last week. I told him what was going on, and I asked him if there was anything else I could try. He suggested Remeron, and since I haven't tried it before, I agreed. The only problem was that it apparantly takes 8 weeks to kick in. So we planned to keep me on Valium until the Remeron could start working, he gave me the written consent the treatment center was asking for, and all was well. Except I forgot to mention that I needed a refill for my Valium and didn't realize it until AFTER he had left the room already and had to catch up with his nurse and so there was this huge ordeal, but I finally walked away with a script for Xanax (idk what happened to the Valium? oh well) and all was well. So I thought.

But no! Because when I called the treatment center to tell them about this, I was then told something completely different. It appears that in the time between my assessment and now, they had decided that I was, in fact, addicted to benzodiazepines. Because apparantly getting addicted to opiates means that you will become addicted to EVERY SINGLE NARCOTIC EVER IN LIFE. So when I called, I was told by the girl on the phone, "Well, let me check with my clinical director. I have to make sure this is okay." I told her I had the written consent that she asked for, but that of course was now useless.

Well, apparantly she finally called back this morning, but I was asleep. But according to my mom - and this part is priceless to me - she said she needs to know what my TAPERING SCHEDULE is. LOL.

WHAT tapering schedule? This is what I would like to know. I take benzos maybe three times a week on a BAD week. I didn't take any at all last week. Or wait no, I did take .5 mg of Xanax yesterday. But that was only because I had a 103.4 fever and it caused a panic attack cause I started thinking I was going to die or some shit. But still. Since when/how are you supposed to taper off of something you only take a couple times a week? How am I even SUPPOSED to taper that?! I can't possibly take any less than I do now. I take the shit AS NEEDED. You don't taper off of something you take AS NEEDED if you only take it three times a week, max. That's ridiculous.

This is the plan (and it's a quite simple one, really): Continue taking my Xanax AS NEEDED for the next eight weeks while I wait for the Remeron to take effect. Which means that I will be taking the Remeron WAY more often than I'll even be taking the Xanax, which I find ironic. I'm going to guesstimate that within the next eight weeks, I'll probably take around... 12 Xanax. That sounds like a lot for only eight weeks though, so maybe even a little less. Hell, that's less than half my script - I won't even be able to FINISH my script before the eight weeks is even up! In eight weeks, the Remeron kicks in, and the Xanax will (hopefully) no longer be needed. And I will just stop taking it. It's THAT SIMPLE. What a concept - to stop taking something once it's no longer needed. Opiate addicts ARE capable of that, you know. Maybe not with opiates, but with other things, yes. Just because I got addicted to opiates doesn't mean I don't know how to take other prescriptions the way they're intended... even less than they're intended, actually, because my script says to take it once DAILY lol (at least I'm assuming, I haven't picked up my script yet but that's what it's always said in the past).

Moral of the story: There IS NO TAPERING SCHEDULE! And there doesn't need to be one. I wish people would fucking understand this. I am not addicted OR dependent on benzodiazepines. I could care less for them. I take them as needed, I avoid them until I ABSOLUTELY need them. More often than not, I just deal with my anxiety and let it be until it passes. I was given that prescription on Monday. It is now Thursday, and I have yet to even take my prescription in to get it filled. I ran out of my other benzo script about a week and a half ago. Don't you think if I was addicted or even dependent, I would have rushed to the pharmacy to get it filled the SECOND that shit was in my hand? Yes. Yes I would have.

Other moral of the story: people need to get over themselves and stop acting like they're the final word on other people. Just because YOU say I'm addicted or dependent on something doesn't mean I actually am. For whatever reason, by God's grace, I have been able to take benzos for long periods of time without becoming dependent and suffering withdrawals whenever I stop taking them. It's the same way that some people are able to take opiates for long periods of time and never become dependent on them. Everyone's physiology is different. I am so sick of people telling me that I AM addicted to benzos just because THEY think I should be. Just because I happen to have a particular weakness for opiates.

Well guess what. Opiates are wonderful and euphoric. Benzodiazepines are the opposite of wonderful and euphoric. A benzodiazepine high is heavy and fatigued and forgetful-making. It's not even enjoyable. The only thing that's wonderful about benzos is when they turn one of my bad anxiety/panic attacks into dust.

End rant.
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