I can only build if i tear these walls down

Im feeling tired again its the kind of tired that cant be shaken off with a good rowdy song. Its gotta be the lack of seratonin my brain just doesn't respond as well to trips and rolls as it used to. I think I averted an addiction to kolonopin by stopping my intake just in the nick of time. So instead im railing sunoxone and taking g bongs lol but hey I shouldnt complain I dont have cancer, hiv, hep c, or anything else wrong apparently. I have got a nice house to live in a huge nice mac computer im typing this on with radiohead streaming over my super fast connection. Maybe I should go to the bar and get wasted? Maybe I should enjoy this moment for what it is instead of always bitching and being miserable. But the one thing im sure of is that im done being a junky that life just doesnt hold any fun for me anymore its a grind, I hate waitin at the gas stations and ghetto apartments all amped up butterflys on the stomach will he show? will it be good? will the narcos roll on me? not fucking worth it. I never thought I would write that in my blog but its how I feel and its a feeling that has been building for a couple years.

So I dunno bluelight who am i? College student? drug addict? liar? theif? junky? mentally ill? young? passionate? political? genius? revolutionary? I want to be someone and im willing to die trying because I have realized that this is all so pointless. So I dunno I just want to help those who hurt like me.

 

I guess I just feel like I dont know who I am or what values I stand for now after everything that I have done. Being a junky took a large toll on my moral karma and that was cool with me cause I was committed to shooting heroin until I died or went to jail. I manipulated anyone and everyone I knew and basically burned bridges while making an ass of myself and not giving to much of a fuck about anything a but heroin. Before that all happened I put a lot of pride in how I treated people I considered loyalty important and my close friends were like my brothers. So now im done with heroin but I still hang around people I have known since high school so they will always associate me with drugs at best and heroin at worst. So thats Birmingham

In troy no one really knows my past but I still dont know who I am. There is like this absence of awareness on my part about the way people are perceiving me. I feel very boring like I have no identity. Everything from the way I dress to the way I carry and use language neeeds to change. I need to figure out a way to make me seem interesting and more normal than i am now. I need to find something to be passionate about outside of school and heroin.

 

Just be. It will fall into place. Serotonin (or lack thereof) can make reality seem really fucking weird sometimes. Wait it out a bit.

 

You sound human to me. It sounds like you are at a turning point in your life. You know what you need to do and take it one step at a time. I wish you luck.

 

Thanks for the advice I had a life affirming trip last night

 

I just read this, and it is crazy how I feel the exact same way, i think opiates do that to a person, I use to be ambitious and strive for excellence, now I dont know who or what I am... Opiates really do steal your soul... and yet you still love them like they have never hurt you. Crazy world.