Time to Pretend

I've been unable to maintain my sobriety and have relapsed after a couple of weeks clean.

I don't feel like a failure, for some reason. I know I should feel worse. But I don't. I feel like a human being again. Popping these pills.

I don't think it's possible for me to stay clean. Getting clean is easy. Staying clean is hard. I've found out I have more friends than I thought I did. Friends who do not use. Friends who give a fuck if I live or die.

But I don't care if I live or not.

I want to get away.

That would involve getting back together with my ex-boyfriend and leaving my wonderful girlfriend and brother and moving out west and pretending to want to be with him. I'd be away from all drugs except for alcohol of course -- you don't drink water in the desert, you drink vodka.

My ex-boyfriend broke my heart into a million little pieces and blamed me for it. He blamed his friends and his brother for making the decision to break up with me for him. He's easily influenced by others. He thinks he can be a writer or a Nurse. But he's stupid as fuck. He might as well just quit while he's ahead. He's been in college for over 7 years with nothing to show for it except for his parents being that much poorer. He's never shown much interest in whether I was dead or alive, just whether or not I wanted to fuck. I don't care. I'll lie back and tell him what a big fucking man he is and how much I love his cock. It's all the same to me. At least my body will derive pleasure for someone. It certainly hasn't done much for me.

But I hate my ex. I hate his fucking guts.

He's a coward. Too sensitive. Indecisive. Small-minded. Needy, nerdy, useless. He needs to be coddled. I can't stand it. He is Everything I hate in a man. Hell, everything I hate in a human being. But I'm certain if I acted enough, he'd let me come out and stay with him. I don't want to leave my girlfriend, but I need to leave this place. I need to leave drugs. Pills and pot and heroin and cocaine. I need to leave New York City. I know this is a fucked up thing to do to someone. I need to be selfish, though. I need to get away. It's my ticket out of this hellhole. Into another hellhole, but one without drugs. Maybe I can learn.

Maybe I am just sick in the head and want to drag others down with me.

 

Definitely don't go back to your ex if you were not happy with him. Have you mentioned leaving NYC to your girlfriend at all? She might be for it if it means sobriety and a better life for you.

 

"I don't feel like a failure, for some reason. I know I should feel worse. But I don't."

Why should you feel worse, or like a failure?

Don't go to someone who'll hurt you: have your girlfriend come with you after explaining the situation to her. That seems a little better, I don't know; I don't really know much.

 

There is no reason to feel bad and I wouldn't pack up and head to the desert to be with someone you hate that seems a little rash. Sounds like the clean time gave you some perspective on whwere you are and maybe where you need to be better at in life. I would take that for what it is.

 

Thanks guys. For always having good advice. My brain can be my own worst enemy...

 

maybe we should just pack our shit and move together? "you man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars" but really though, a sober getaway would be a good getaway. bottom line

 

Let's do it! Where do you want to go?

"move to paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars..."

sorry, they used to play that album OVER AND OVER AND OVER at my old job... not that it was a bad album, i just fucking didn't need to be reminded of heroin and cocaine 20x a shift... !!

 

Moving out of nyc doesn't sound like a bad idea. But whatever you do don't go back to that douche. Talk about it with the people you DO love, like your girlfriend.