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To hang around outside and try to find a heroin connect. Maybe should go there fucked up on something so I look more like one of them. Good plan.

Im sitting on my bed right now. Outside the sky is a light grey, and there are rough winds tossing the trees about. The branches are shaking neurotically like a middle aged woman flapping the flab that hangs too lose from her arm. Needless to say, its pretty fucking bleak.

I didn't do much today.

I left my house around 7 a.m. this morning to head into manhattan to get my methadone. For some reason, my take home bottle from Saturday seemed like it was less potent or something, and I wonder if I perhaps accidentally spilled some of the syrup, because I started to feel minor withdrawal while riding on the train.

Halfway into the city, the D line stopped for about ten minutes, and an announcement came over the loud speaker that one of the train cars had to be evacuated immediately and I believe they even mentioned the word "quarantined". I was not willing to risk dying of the bubonic plague just to get to my methadone clinic quicker, so I changed lines, and eventually made it to my stop in midtown.

It's weird how methadone works. When I initially got on the program (approx. 2 weeks ago) and was given my first 30mg dose, it seemed to take forever for the methadone to kick in. I had ran into my friend who was recieving buprenorphine and together we walked all the way downtown to where I met my girlfriend in the west village. The trek took a good hour, and I remember feeling concerned that this was not going to be enough methadone, as I could feel the shot that I had done that morning wearing off, and the early signs of withdrawal were kicking in even though I had dosed my methadone nearly an hour earlier. Anyway, to stop this from being a tangent, after two hours the methadone kicked in full force and I felt great. Now each day when I take it, I begin to feel it immediately which is really crazy. I've decided to stay at this low dosage of 30mg because it holds me well, and I've had the misfortune of being on MMT in the past, stuck on a tipple digit dose and that sucked.

Anyways, I'm happy with that aspect of my treatment. I was worried for a while that switching to methadone instead of bupe would be a big mistake, but I'm confident now that it's exactly what I need.

My girlfriend called me up this morning and that made me feel real good like always. It sucks being apart, but im leaving NY in two weeks to visit her, so Ive got something great to look forward to. I just hate doing the whole countdown thing. I want to be there now. I never knew how alone I really felt in the last few years, as I've had nothing to compare it to.

So now I'm looking out my window again, and it's still that nasty grey bullshit, but the winds have calmed down, and my curtains are no longer dancing wildly (thank god). It's just still and quiet .

So iv fallen for most inappropriate person on earth, hes turning
World upside down!! Gah hAte it wen someone has this kinda power over me

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been busy with life shit here lately, havnt been as active asmuch as id like to be in my blog. Found a place to stay,and work. Happy with where I am now then where I was.. I don't even want to talk about that.
anyways,next time I sleep under the stars will be at a fucking camp site because that shits over with, Been off the 'hard shit', drinking a little, like last night got shitfaced and had a good time with it. didn't get locked up so that was a good thing right? Well must get ready for work, peace

When's the last time you ran? not sure, but i know i had to be running to catch the bus. i probably haven't ran just to run since high school phys ed. class.

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? one pair that i can't stand the thought of getting rid of just yet.

What are you dreading right now? the mile and a half run i have to do for my wellness class.

Do you celebrate 420? not like i used to.

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? usually i get 9-10 but i still feel as if i've gotten 6 or less.

If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? smoke, order take out, watch movies or tv, nap.

Who last grabbed your ass? boyfriend

Have you ever been on your school's track team? lol

Do you own a pair of Converse? not now. i had a pair of steel toe chucks back in the day though. they were sweet.

Did you copy and paste this survey? yes

Do you eat raw cookie dough? only in ice cream.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? yep.

Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? yes but i don't really listen to the radio that often.

Do you watch Trading Spaces? i never have.

How do you eat oreos? twist, lick off cream, and then eat cookies.

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? yes, but i was doing other things as well.

Are you cocky? i don't think i am.

Could you live without a computer? i could, but it would be difficult to adjust to.

Do you wear your shoes in the house? not unless i'm getting ready to go somewhere.

Who or what sleeps with you? boyfriend and kitty cat.

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? 8

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? 2

What do you do when you're sad? wallow.

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? my parents to tell them they could retire.

Last time you saw your best friend? august, i don't see her enough.

Are you in high school? no, i haven't been for 13 years. it kind of frightens me to say that.

What jewelry are you wearing? just belly button ring currently, that never comes out.

Is anyone on your bad side now? not really, no.

What's the first thing you do when you get online? check my e-mail.

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? i watch reruns sometimes when nothing else is on tv.

How do most people spell your name? carrie, the boring way.

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? yeah.

Where do you work? not saying that here

What are you doing tomorrow? class and work.

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? maybe in his own sort of way.

Favorite name for a girl? not sharing my baby names here either. i don't want people stealing them lol.

Favorite name for a boy? read above.

Will you keep your last name when you get married? probably not.

When was the last time you left your house? yesterday.

Do you return your cart? rain, snow, sleet or whatever. i know what it's like to have to gather carts, not a fun job.

Do you have a dishwasher? yes, it's a life saver.

What noise do you hear? neighbor dog barking.

Would you survive in prison? i don't think i could, i'm pretty weak.

Who is the youngest in your family? my kitty.

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? emily. she packs 2 suitcases for an overnight...

Do you know anyone with the same name as you? not first and last.

What's the last thing you purchased? roasted veggie and hummus wrap for lunch yesterday.

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? no siblings.

What brand are your pants right now? pajama pants from target. not sure of the brand.

Ever been to Georgia (the state)? nope.

What irritates you most on the internet? swim.

What brand is your digital camera? nikon

Do you watch movies with your parents? i don't see them often, but when i do i may watch movies with them.

What song best describes your life right now? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? some, but i'm super picky about my perfume.

Are you taking college classes right now? yes.

Do you like sushi? one of my all time fave foods

Do you get your hair cut every month? more like every 2-3 months.

Do you go online everyday? usually.

Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? what?

Note:
This experiment is based on my previous times mixing mild uppers and downers; because it was really nice, I want to push it a little more this time. I have no opiates but because yesterday I did a lot of Tramadol I think it counts, based on it large half life. All the pills were taken with Caffeinated drinks.

Background:
Friday Night, wake up a few hours ago, was really tired. I had an interview in the morning and I traveled a lot. Stomach completely empty.
Yesterday (Thursday) I did 800mg Tramadol and 10mg Clonazepam (I have high tolerance to benzos). I could still feel the effects of the Tramadol a few hours ago.

11.15 PM - Did 300mg Modafinil, 60mg Pseudoephedrine, 80mg Caffeine. Planning to take 2mg Alprazolam in a few minutes.

11.30 PM - Smoked a Cigarette because I have read in lots of places that enhances any kind of upper. Also, I used to did it before and yes, smoking was really pleasant. Actual Heart rate, 82.

12.15 AM - My heart rate increased a little, 85, but my mood it's much better and I feel good.

12.30 AM - My heart rate went up to 95, so I'm doing 2mg Alprazolam now.

12.45 AM - My heart rate downed to 84 now, I'm feeling a little euphoric. Gonna take 100mg Modafinil (reaching 400mg in total).

1.15 AM - Heart rate 90. Having a good time doing things and listen to music.

1.50 AM - I'm pretty sure I found like 1mg of 2C-E which I had from previous times. I did it nasally, and it burned a little, so I think it was 2C-E indeed. I don't think dust burns when aspiring a little... I wonder if something will change with so little 2C-E. BTW, I'm feeling my body hot. Heart rate 90.

2.15 AM - Since my heart rate doesn't seem to increase, I'm not really sure what's happening, so I'm gonna take 2mg Clonazepam.

3.30 AM - My heart rate is at 75, but all this time I feel extremely focused and entertained while reading. Still don't feel sleep, and the heat I was feeling went away (it's also 10ºC now here).

4 AM - I think I already past the peak, so I just did 2mg Alprazolam and 2mg Clonazepam

I figure I would blog about random shit while high on dope to amuse myself. You know it's funny how life can suck until some premo dope gets in your hands. Work it especially brutal being sober. I really like doing a bag of dope after a long stressful day of work...really keeps the stress away. Anyway that's it for now because i'm starting to get cross-eyed and it's becoming impossible type

Well it has been a series of long days. I realized I got my first paycheck from new job Monday... and decided to go a bit mental with it. I grabbed some heroin and did it up, then Tuesday did the same... toss in some ambien and miller lite.

I'm kind of pissed at myself. It made me realize tho that I am really not missing out on anything. I just sat in my friends passenger seat for the good part of Tuesday and took micro-naps everywhere. Oh well.

I plan on lifting some weights sometime in the near future. I think I need something productive to help keep my mind focused on what I really need to be doing. Hopefully it works out.

Also, I think I am going to get a dydoe piercing soon. Really soon. It should be badass. Will post pics in the nudie thread

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When my parents gifted me $5,000 for graduating high school on time (keep in mind I on extremely rare occassion ask for money from my parents) my older brother started bitching about how he was never given that amount of money. They bought him a car, and no shitty car either, it was the car of his dreams at the time, an eclipse spyder or w/e at 11th grade! He likes to race so his car needed repairs that cost THOUSANDS to fix. Talking transmission fixes and all this crazy shit I don't know about, as if that wasn't enough paying for his tickets (speeding,lights, etc.) He graduated during summer, a semester late. They spent at least $12,000 on him by senior year. But this isn't the end of it, I had to live in the same room as his girlfriend and him because he never does take into consideration anything about anyone that doesn't involve him. For 3 fucken years. And no they didn't fuck while I was present, what's wrong with you. I didn't feel comfortable in my own home, the countless times I farted into their pillows and used their toothbrushes to brush my ballsack, in a sense yea, they both licked my ballsack, and I allowed it. I wish I would've allowed myself to lose control just once and snookie punched the two bitches. The dumb broad he called a girlfriend would just talk and talk and talk... Just shit seeping out of her mouth hours on end, far worse than Oprah or any of these whores that seem to have all the answers, how I didn't invest in a bark control collar for her fascinates me, the sufferings I've endured. Id probably have had to invest in a $3,000 lock since she was born with this god damned mouth, always moving, having to make a sound as if shed cease to exist if she stopped talking for a single minute.

For once in your pathetic existence can you shut your mouth for five fucken minutes? both live in a superficial world where you take advantage of people for most idiotic of things, poeple who want to help you, to the fullest extent. You preach family and practice everything but. I place horse shit on higher in a pedastool than you both. The only people I feel sorry for are my parents and my neice, born into a world where her own two parents can't even support themselves. So pure of heart and what's sad is that I wouldn't be surprised if that beautiful girl grew up into being a whore. The remedy for a weeping infant? Barney. Every fucking time. The shitty mother is by far more interested in barney than my neice is. I feel so sorry for her. And my mother, my mother can't help but feel guilty, I've told her time and time again how I feel about them but mothers just have this unconditional love for their children. Her own son drains her of life and puts it into something so selfish and dispensable and she continues to feed it. It reminds me of Dante Aligheiri's depiction of two men- conjoined, one gnawing the back of the head of the other, the only difference being that this isn't hell and there is certainly something she is perfectly capable but her family values just won't let her.
They moved out for about a year, then moved back in, what was supposed to be initially a week looking for a new home turned into a months, 8 months now. Raising a child in our living room, bringing company over and being loud, like they owned the god damned place when they both work and don't pay a cent for rent or food. These people don't learn from their mistakes. If murder was justifiable then here would be a perfect example. I've thought about it as much as any other person thinks about killing all the pedophiles and rapists in the world, but of course I have a life ahead of my own to live on. I just hope my mother grows out of this false sense of unconditional love for the parasite she calls her son. As for me, I must endure a bit longer before I get the fuck out of here and never see these two shitty less-than-human ever again. It isn't like me at all to wish negatively upon people at all, always the best, even if I don't like them but with these two, I can honestly say that hate them. I despise, I loathe, but I have never hated anything or anyone like I do these two.

Recently all I can think about is suicide...i have no plans to kill myself, but the thoughts are forever present..I feel like I have a thousand thoughts in my head, not a one is good, and I just want it to stop..I know i should be on medication, but I have no insurance.I'd become a pill zombie, if I could. I'm miserable in my life, I have no friends and a boyfriend who is practically out the door..if i did do it, with him gone, it would be one less thing to hold me back..i know i should be thankful for what i have because people do i have it worse, but that doesn't help me in the slightest..i look for some kind of relief but it never comes, only gets worse..I have recently been experiencing panic attacks as well, although no one knows about it, no one would care if they did...my life is forever spiraling out of control and i have no way to stop it.

no one cares what happens to me, and if they do, and i took my life, they would move on from it.

I hear how selfish suicide is all the time, i personally don't feel this way..living with chronic pain and having no escape from it, well some people just don't understand it..when there is no one to talk to to get these feelings out, just make it so they keep building up..I have urges to cut, but i haven't..anything to escape..God im lonely..I wish there was an escape! when will it end, if ever? FML!

I fully intended to freeze the lake of fire to be used for productions of Disney on Ice, so I brought along my ABSOLUTE ZERO fire extinguisher. It's a backpack of sorts like in the movie Ghostbusters. The demons were fucking annoying, especially those flying imp motherfuckers, so I borrowed Gabriel's flaming sword of Righteousness and slew them by the score on my way down. Imagine swatting flies and having them turn into green globules of ectoplasm. As I got lower, I encountered the Balrog and pulled a Gandalf and he of course got pwned with my collection of magically imbued ancient Frankish throwing axes. The lower demons got a full taste of the EXTINGUISHER OF AGES. My trigger finger itched because they're sneaky fuckers and will not fight honorably--the sixth sense protecting the back of my skull was useful there. I pretty much froze them until my very short and adrenalized breath crumbled their remains to bits.

Upon seeing the havoc I was wreaking, Satan and I made a deal that I'd let him have East Hell to indulge himself in torture porn for the unrighteous souls, whereas the lake of fire would be used for future productions of Aladdin on Ice.

I WON.

That is all.

so its been awhile since ive wrote on here.. ill try to go into detail asmuich as i can think of,
well the last blog i wrote i ended up checking myself into the hospital because i was suicidal and having an overdose. did some shit that i knew i was gonna die, ended up getting my stomach pummped and narcand.nect thing i kno i was in the psychward for about 5 days, the food was good, and i was anle to get back on my meds n detox off the boi, which im still doing it but now ihave subodxone to nelp. amd kpind.eh im high ill wrtite later lol
obtw i have a ob and a place to stay! woo

rrg i am so paranoid my bf is gonna be super super mad if h realizes the extent of what o have done which i am sure he is going to see my arm which is in really bad shape and if he findw this website that would be bad so now i alwAys have to delete my browsing history oh and imaybe maybe had a seizure wow this shit is ridiculous itssilly if i just didnt use needles i would prob be fine sometimes its evenless efffective too

Etched in to data servers techno whatnot of Bluelight.
This isn't by any means the highest I've been or the worst I've wigged out, but I swear if I make it through without all the terrible things that I feel are going to take place any second actually happening like the law randomly swooping me up for something, or my friends plotting and fucking me over, or getting robbed, or getting jumped doing laundry, or anything anything involving the law I will get my shit straight, and I will not bang dope until I am employed (and even then in moderation), stable, doing something to promote my future and I will refrain certain criminal behaviors, I will attain a healthy weight and physique, and have a level of financial security.

I promise to all the forces that I don't believe in and I promise to myself, if I make it through this night/next without something terrible happening I will turn over a new leaf, and repent for past deeds.

I'm serious.

Let me initially let you know which substance, the amount, and how administered I took such medicicne (in order of taking):
7:00a.m.
30mg Oxycodone (sifted and snorted)
5mg Diazepam (by mouth [PO])
0.1mL Ketamine (10mg) and (intramuscularly)

10:00a.m.
700mg Carisoprodol (PO)

10:15a.m.
0.1mL Morphine Sulfate (4mg/mL) and (intramuscularly)

2:30p.m.
15mg Oxycodone (sifted and snorted)
0.25mL Hydromorphone (2mg/mL) and (intramuscularly)
0.1mL Morphine Sulfate (licked off of hand)
5mg Diazepam (~4.6mg sublingually and ~0.4mg sifted and snorted)
25mg Ketamine (intramuscularly)

Work was good, thanks for asking! We had a lot of orders, especially for being such a small hospital (somewhere in MA). Sorry, and omg, I just got a few phone calls and some texts and its about 2:45 (eastern standard time) and I am feeling really GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrReat!).

I have never done ketamine before... lets see how it works... I think I am going to make it into bumps and turn profit (you dont want to know where/how (well you should know where) I got it from). It's great though I think... Let me enjoy this and get back to y'all (I usually don't say y'all...

So this guy comes ranting and raving about the doctor writing the prescription wrong and the next door neighbors could probably hear him, he was so loud.

Basically, what I am trying to say, from what I overheard, is this guy gets #360, 30mg Oxycodone IR Tablets EVERY TWO WEEKS!!! WTF, does anyone else see something wrong with this picture??? God damn!!

So the doctor wrote him for Fentanyl patches (because, and I quote: "I eat these thirties like skittles"), and the nurse said that these patches are the strongest that they make, and he seemed pissed!!

I am sorry, I thought I had to share that with y'all... that is a lot of oxycodone, maybe our shortage is because of this one single guy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTXEnxz3tzA

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A new report by the Global Forest Coalition says IKEA has been using wood from an ancient forest in northwestern Russia. IKEA says it is an environmentally responsible company, but there are claims the Swedish furniture giant's logging subsidiary, Swedwood, may be operating double standards. Al Jazeera's Robin Forrestier-Walker reports from Karelia, Russia.

It is miserably hot today and at the current moment I need to go get cigarettes.
I really need to quit smoking and start working out more, find some more positive hobbies.

It really sucks too because all my friends smoke. So when it comes to socializing with them I will probably want to smoke. I just need to man up and say fuck those cigarettes. I have been a daily smoker since I was fifteen and the shit is really starting to get at me in a bad way.

I think it is funny how I can go to a rehab and better myself from using narcotics, but when it comes to cigarettes my mind is like "fuck that shit. you NEED these."

They need a Cigarette Anonymous... there probably is one.

Who knows.

It has also been a sex drought as of lately. Not that this is a bad thing. Neither is it a good thing. I keep hanging out with this girl but she is such a tease. Or possibly just using me.

Hopefully some shit changes soon.

Ugh, I've been planning this relapse for ages... and it's almost time, only a couple more days till I can swing it... I'm so excited, I can hardly contain myself... I've just been biding my time on a tiny dose of Suboxone, Klonopin and marijuana... things have been decent and if I didn't know what heroin was like, I'd probably be content doing only this... but I've eaten that forbidden fruit and I cannot seem to get away from it... It haunts my dreams, it haunts my waking hours... I spend my days watching fucking television and YouTube and posting on stupid forums and Bluelight and replaying New Super Mario Bros for DS and I even played World of Warcraft for the first time in like 8 years... I guess I'm just revisiting all my past addictions, I guess I should also binge and purge and cut myself to complete all of that crazy bitch stuff... I don't think I will, I just need to vent somewhere... but I'm like a kid on Christmas Eve, just trying to fall asleep because I know that Santa is coming in the morning and I even left out cookies and milk for him and I wanna peek if they're still there but I can't because of the watchful eyes of my girlfriend and sheer lack of funds... FUCK... I feel like I'm about to lose my virginity or something, I wasn't even that excited for that, man, it was such a letdown but Goddamn I know this will be fucking worth it times 10... And it's like 5am and I'm playing Born to Hula by Queens of the Stone Age on repeat and smoking spliffs of Top Tobacco and weed... I like the whole spliff thing even though I'm American, haha, I think it's pretty underrated by people here... the nicotine really gives something extra to the weed... I am just rambling, sorry, nothing intelligent to read here.

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