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I realise I love smoking weed and listen to classical music.
and it's MMJ.

so fuck what I wrote yesterday.

I have a good life.
first blog,y'all.
writing here has shown me that I have turned into a STONER.
I quit heroin 5 years ago and last smoked crack a year ago.
I have replaced that shit with marijuana.that's it.

having MI and smoking pot is interesting.
I get MMJ for anxiety,but the pot instead makes me a lil paranoid.
hard to admit.
i want it to be perfect.

I want to start sobering up for real.
it's just too much w subs,pot,psych meds,coffee by the litre,cigs....

soon I will be posting about being clean.

peace.
Stomach: almost empty. Have some Alprazolam and Clonidine in case I feel bad or too excited.

T - 1.00: I take 75mg Lyrica

T - 0.30: I take 100mg Modafinil

T - 0.00: I take 30mg Memantine with a Red Bull. Smoked 2 cigarettes.
(after coming home I read on Wikipedia that Memantine acts as a non-competitive antagonist at different neuronal nicotinic acetylcholine receptors, and a study proved that Nicotine works as a sort of agonist for Memantine, which also acts as an agonist at the dopamine receptor, improving the wakefulness with smoking)
T + 0.30: I take another 10mg Memantine. Still feeling nothing noticeable from the Memantine I think, just feeling awakened and a more social than usual from the Modafinil probably
.
T + 1.00: Ok, now I'm starting to feel weird, the same Memantine feeling I remember from before and from tiny doses of DXM. I feel like inside of my head is getting hotter; definitely something the Memantine is doing. My vision is also affected, I almost can't tell, but all my vision feels.. weird, and very often I see afterimages. I think I'm getting a little nervous and more awake than I was an hour before.

T + 1.30: I'm feeling better, my attention span has increased noticeably, I can focus much better in tasks such as reading, programming, or playing video games. I'm taking 10mg more Memantine with some Coffee.

T + 2.00: Watching pretty pictures feels different, specially where there are lots of different tones of colors, it's like all tones appears to be important. I'm enjoying this, so I'm taking 50mg Modafinil more (reaching 150mg)

T + 2.30: A very subtle mild similar sensation to Ketamine can be felt sometimes; I thought I felt nervous or with much anxiety, but in reality I'm experiencing a strong thinking process about everything around. I'll take 1mg of Alprazolam, more because of the Modafinil than the Memantine.

T + 3.00: I'm feeling great, the only problem is that there are lapses of time that I'm at loss at everything, but except that, It's like I'm processing everything around me and I can totally focus on any task. I'm taking 75mg of Lyrica just because it feels good to me.

after this, I spent 2 hours chatting very happily with some people, but when my friends went to sleep, play something, or work, I began to think about my life abruptly and realized how lonely and poor I was, it wasn't a panic attack, I had some of those before, it was a very logical conclusion of my meaningless existence.
I went to bed and watched some cartoons for kids to not worry about anything, because I was like scared, and after taking some more Lyrica, 150mg I think, and 4mg of Alprazolam, I was able to fall asleep...
but it didn't end there.
When I wake up, my brain was rebooted. Typical effect of a NMDA blocking receptor drug.
My perception of my existence was different, I wasn't enlightened or anything like that, I was aware of my situation, and the fake cloud of happiness I had been keeping in my mind to not despair was destroyed or removed.

I began to do things more responsibly the next day like a machine, and was thinking forward all the time.

So, in the end.... I think we have a VERY POTENTIAL DRUG here for self awareness, to get the ego of ours destroyed and reboot our way of thinking; I'll keep taking 10mg per day of this drug now, after a big impact (50mg was enough for me), it helps me think way more objectively and I'm self aware of myself. That in the process may be a good thing or not, I really SUFFERED that night. But it was worth it.
this is inspired by the buzzfeed-style lists of X things about Y. this is a_c's week in pictures (with the help of google image search). and i think other people should make picture lists about themselves...

sunday nights are spent here



monday morning i feel like this



tuesday i keep thinking this



wednesday nights are spent playing this



*bmmrp bmmrp brrmp*

Lonewolf waking up to his alarm clock, knocking over countless cans of steel reserve as he reaches to turn it off.


his roomate opens the door.

"whats all the commotion?"

who said it first? they both held a straight face

a wave of empty 211 cans spill out the door.

lonewolf pulls out a gun.

lonewolf begins to confronts his roomate's intrusion by crushing an empty can on his forehead.

Staring into his soul of a roommate with his evil injin eyes.

He drearily wanders past a few unopened cans nestled inside of his wizardlike sleeved pajamas dropping to the floor.



roaring to the sound of his jeep Cherokee he makes haste to the nearest convience store/gas station
I'll come out and say it; I've been feeling sad lately. I normally hold bloggers who whinge hedonistically in contempt but i'm starting to see the value in doing them. Where else can I write what's happening in my life candidly almost like a journal but with the possibility that hundreds of strangers might see it on the internet? The future, it's a wonderful thing.

So, I've been discovered "using" again. I live at home. The anxiety and terror in my parents eyes is devastating when we try to discuss why and how I do drugs. Before I paint an uglier picture than you might be concocting; I'm not mixing meth and heroin into speedballs and waking up to crawling bugs under my skin. I'm a habitual codeine indulger, pot smoker, and psychedelic experimenter. Do I have a dependence on drugs? Yes. Have they fucked up my life? As any frequent drug user would probably say; I don't think so. How can you tell? How do I know I didn't land that job because my otherwise pervasive anxiety wasn't dulled so well by the small dose of codeine I took before the interview? Yet how do I know if it's the codeine which simultaneously is making me look like an uninterested, "to-easy-going" slob?

How do I know, from my own experience, if I'd be happier in the long run completely sober? Intellectually, it makes sense. But the holes I fill with substances, cannot be filled by another; they can only be filled by myself. And, whilst it seems paradoxical, the sickness I feel living in this world whilst sober seems to confronting; honestly, frightening; and not just from an intellectual standpoint. I can feel the sickness of the world in my bones. Perhaps some people wake up everyday and without knowing it, involuntarily, have already swallowed the red pill - and the rest of the day is a fight not to get some blue pills to balance out this most cruel and burdening of gifts.
accidentally, what is going to happen to me?
Mental complacency is the death you have always feared.
In my last 2-fma post, I mentioned that I didn't think 2-fma would be as fun recreationally as adderall. This is due to the fact that I had only done it for work. The first time I tried doing it outside of work was actually when I wrote that post. Turns out it's pretty good recreationally. Note the verboseness of that post - just like adderall, 2-fma makes writing oodles of fun.

It's kind of weird. When I do it for work (at 60mg), I don't really notice any of the speedy effects. Physically I feel normal, but I'm in a better mood, more focused, etc. But when I do it outside of work, I notice the speedy effects a lot more. It's euphoric and fun and makes everything interesting. So at this point, having done it outside of work a few times, I believe it to be almost identical to adderall in terms of good effects. I have still not experienced any bad effects and it's been 2 months of frequent use. The first month I was doing it 4 consecutive days a week then 3 days off. This past month it's been 2-3 times a week on random days.

I have experimented with dosing 2 capsules at once (total of 120mg) and at that point I DO notice the physical effects even when at work. They are mostly good effects but occasionally cause me to feel overwhelmed/anxious. This is always brief and isn't really that unpleasant. I know, I really should have planned better and made some 80 or 90mg capsules rather than just doubling my dose. But I'm lazy and had a bunch of capsules already made and on a day I woke up feeling tired and knew there was a lot of shit to get done I took 2. Overall, I don't think that taking 120mg is exactly twice as good as 60mg, so there is somewhat of a ceiling effect. 60mg on day 1 and 60mg on day 2 gets you more bang for the buck than 120mg on day 1. But considering how cheap this stuff is and how much more I have left, I'm not too concerned with conservation. I should note that both eating and sleeping are obtainable on this dose as well. (By this I mean that I can fall asleep by 10pm when dosing at 6am. Eating isn't much of a problem at any point - I've eaten 1 hour after dosing with ease)

So a month later and still so far, so good.
I’m nodding off at the university computer. Not because I’m high, but because I’m tired. From being high last night - It’s something I’m used to. Even if I had the money, I wouldn’t go and get high right now though. My stomach feels fragile from the excessive amounts of sorbitol I had to consume with my drug last night, because there’s no way unfortunately to remove it from the good opiate stuff.

I have a 1200 word essay to write, and it’s already 3 days late. I would be extremely lucky to pass, and every day that goes by without me starting reduces the likelihood of a pass grade even more. If this isn’t done today or tomorrow, I’m screwed. But it’s hard to start, and I’m here typing this instead. Sometimes, people say, the best thing to do is JUST START.

I haven’t masturbated in three days. Opiates make it hard to reach a satisfying climax. Instead more time than is worth the effort is spent grunting and straining while concocting the most potently sick sexual fantasy possible. Even then, I might not get lucky. What would be a nice distraction right now, a way to procrastinate healthily, would be to have a wank. There are more beautiful women doing nursing then you could count – even so, funnily enough, I’m not a fan of a nursing fantasy. The outfits are barely as sexy as they show in pornos. Mainly long pants and button up shirts. What would be better, is a blowjob, right here in the library, in the corner, just a quickie. Why is voyeurism taboo?

Days and weeks go by like nothing. It’s hard to stay interested in University. For the next three years, just to pass, I’ll have to work hard. I’m not good at that. I’m lazy. What makes it worse is that I’ll have no money either. Even if I got a casual job, the money would go to stupid things on the weekend. I won’t be able to save a substantial amount to do anything fun like travel or make any large purchases – the 100 or so bucks a day I make will go toward my chemical delights to take the edge of the week that has passed and ease me into the week to come. My cousins are pursuing doctorates and masters and are working to earn money every second they are not studying - something my father likes to remind me of constantly. Again, I’m lazy. But I know myself. I’m a drifter.

It doesn’t seem to matter what I want, because it’s incongruent to what my parents want and what they expect. Not that it has ever been any different. Extraordinary stress – first world problems – based on my status. Scrap the idea of my parents just wanting me to be happy. That’s not true, and it disgusts me when they pretend it’s so. I would appreciate honesty more – a bit of owning up to their own vanity and egos, would be nice. Never once have I had an agreement or reassurance that no one really knows what’s best in life – that everyone struggles, that most people don’t know what’s right for themselves let alone anyone else.
Still, I push on. I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. That’s enough.
After my OD I had a paralyzed right arm with no feeling, and was completely deaf.

My hearing and right arm numbness slowly got better. As of now, about 2 years since the OD, my hearing is 100% and my right arm is perfect except for spotty numbness in pinky and ring finger.



The road back is long, but some of the damage you caused might not be permanent.
in the last five years I've:
  • lived in three states
  • moved five times (3 times involving cross country moves)
  • had six jobs
  • attended two grad programs
  • got married
  • got divorced
  • made lots of new friends
  • attempted to stay in touch with old friends
  • traveled lots

tbc...
today i feel like william burroughs.
mostly because there are arab boys playing outside my house
burroughs would be thinking about fucking them.
me, i just wish they'd keep the noise down
Conversations coincide
you deliberate I deify
lets decide to compromise
before we find were in demise

Conquered
divide
to complex to summarize
Language fails
to comprise
the illustrations in my mind
Thoughts of inability
naivety, conspiracy
Feelings of inferiority
diabolically inept.

The mental secretes I have kept
memories I constantly correct
I did not think that
I did not feel
Love the ride
Nothing is real

Desperately despising
corruptly compromising
attention undivided
with no one to confide in, but

these walls
this ceiling
this bed
The colour blue
The feeling red

My mind is not dead
It is vast

But then who rhymes red with dead?

Too easy, displeasing
disbelieving of my own disposition
Intellect is my mission
Not this inferior composition

I can't express
I will give only the concept

Emotion
i started dating unglued in high school, we stayed more or less together until we split up in the spring time. we had an open enough relationship that we would do stuff with people on the sides, but it was always people we knew. i am trying this whole dating strangers thing and it is odd. i've complicated matters by saying i want a poly relationship.

i am seeing one dude, C, who is married. i've met his wife but they pretty much do their separate thing. he looks like david tennant (from doctor who). he is tall and lanky, and a really good kisser. i haven't made out like that in a long time. but he is more shy than me.

the other guy, P, is new to the poly thing. right now, i think he sees it as a way to hook up with several people at once. which doesn't bother me cause i am not about to jump into anything serious.

fucktwat and i are still friends, and his interest in anything more has been piqued by my dating adventures. we have another friend, S, who was busy going on about his womanizing ways and then started asking fucktwat about his sex life. that turned to whether or not fucktwat and i ever did everything. i quite liked watching fucktwat squirm. i think he really wanted to lie and say no. and then i think he was smack me after S left.
So since every time I have ever tried to come off of klonopin I become psychotic. I get very paranoid of people and I think ppl are plotting. I start to have the worst nightmares which provoke even more anxiety. I have been thru a psychosis so it's just being masked by my psych med's. But if I can't seem to go off of klonopin then I have to it, or some other benzo the rest of my life. I know that it was only supposed to be used up to six weeks. But I was going thru so much anxiety at the time that I would do anything just to get rid of it. Now I'm stuck but, accepting the fact that I have to be on a drug that some of my old buddies wish they could have just to be messed up....All it does for me is either make me tired. Or calm my brain down....I noticed that if I have gabapentin that I can stretch out the klonopin just a little longer....Is there anybody here that has to use a benzo daily or klonopin?
This is my life in random stories

Some will make you laugh .

I'ma jus start at 122 Rosewell Court
Here

https://maps.google.co.uk/maps?q=122+rosewell+court+Ba1+bath&hl=en&sll=51.357293,-2.368252&sspn=0.232829,0.676346&t=h&hnear=122+Rosewell+Ct,+Bath+BA1+2AH,+United+Kingdom&z=16&source=gplus-ogsb

THIS is a real place n so,me other poor Cunt lives there these days . Still ain't changed the Curtains either dirty cunts .

THe " Suicide Bogs" are 100 yards away name is self explanatory yeah ?

When i was given 122 by the local council i was a bit underwhelmed . It was a flat n i was Homeless but i thought i may get a Victorian one , that the city is famous for .

20 years old i think . N there was another guy Ian who moved in2 Rosewell on the same week . more about him later.

FUk this is a comit ment i jus made . back later .

Tamra n Zoe had a 2 floor maissonettE
te in the big tower bloc n that was the best score 4 18 months it took it 2c over 12 h & W dealers on a 152 proprety project in a world Heritage area tidy erh ?

Tamra died last week bled 2 death through sticking NeedLES
les in places u wouldn't imagine thaT REMINDED ME OF THIS TBH
Since my social commentary is not appreciated in CEP, someone suggested I make a blog....

Racist Editorial
from that fake news and editorials place.

Standards are shifting and poverty in the US is not a description of hardship.

How has the definition of poverty in America change? The Obama administration is now changing the definition of poverty so that a family of four, with full health insurance in New York City can be poor with an income of 39000. In Oakland it's around 43000.

But the reality is that -- for years there's been a huge gap between what the average American thinks about when he hears the word poverty. And even the old way that the government to find it. When you see --mainstream media running a story on poverty saying they're 49 Million poor people....they will feature homeless family but only about 2% of the poor are homeless.....In fact the average poor American lives -- a house or apartment that's larger than the average non poor Frenchman German or English --80% of poor Americans under the old definition -- air conditioning two thirds cable TV half of them have a computer.

A third of them have a widescreen HDTV a quarter of them have a Tivo.
That last comment was so racist and unnecessary. Soon they will tell us the average poor American does not live under a bridge, where the rent is so high their children have to use prepaid phones. We are so evil, we all deserve a fiery death. What next?
If you asked them was anyone in your family hungry at any free even a single day during the last year the overwhelming majority -- say no.

They have access to medical here.
That is not true. Americans who can afford to, go to Cuba, Canada, Uk, and enjoy waiting weeks or months for routine surgery, knowing they will get some health care compared to the non existent health care in USA. Those who can not afford a Cuban doctor, simply are turned away from Emergency Rooms and left to die on the street. Every 7 seconds, a poor american changes the channel from the News and turns on Dancing with the Stars, then curses the rich people they worship so much. And they are all racist (if they are white.)
They have no hardship what so ever.

There's a complete disconnect between the way the government defines poverty and the way the American people think about it and the way the media presents it.

Why does this matter when we shift this definition how does this affect the average American especially as we're having -- if fiscal cliff discussions in Washington right figuring out who's getting tax breaks cutting loopholes and so forth.

that is that we spend close to a trillion dollars a year on assistance to the poor cash food housing medical care that does not include Social Security.

And Medicare.

That's been about 9000 dollars for each recipient.

-- 400 million people receive this aid it's a huge amount of spending and it's ridiculous to pretend that we can spend all that money.

And still have kids they don't have food to eat all over the country.

This is really an advertising tool the poverty measure an advertising tool for expanding the welfare state and for spreading the wealth by pretending that there's a massive amount of hardship that really doesn't occur anymore in our society.


http://video.foxnews.com/v/200158312...or-in-america/
The Heritage Foundation is a known racist mouthpiece for those conservatives. Those lying occupiers must live in bubbles because I can't remember the last time I went outside and forgot for a second I wasn't in Haiti, that is how racist it is here.

Imagine, that these devil slave masters can even suggest we do not have hardship. Our hardship is pimping, and makes Bangalore, Calcutta, Mexico City, Jarkarta, Lagos, and other so called 'shanty towns', look like a real shit hole. Those mothers don't know what real American hardship is.

The only way out is socialism. Anarchy, then socialism; Socialism will remove the drive to make money by making it illegal to make a profit, own property, thus eliminating the needless drive to work harder to acheive more, how archaic, racist, and unfair. The only way forward is to make everyone work harder because who wants to be shot in a mass grave, or FEMA camp? Anyway, no need to work harder when you can't move up, where is there to move when everything is 'equal?' That's crazy! Why would anyone even object to such paradise?

Should the best and brightest be able to afford the best of what is available for those who can afford it? No, they are stingy, they don't pay their fair share, they probably inherited their money, or stole it all from you.

The only way forward is gun control, and then tax the rich until they are not rich; then kill them off since they are just occupiers and Zionists.

Socialism will make everything shitty for everyone...therefore equal....from healthcare, to education, to
transportation, to housing, right down to the food supply. Paradise, I am dreaming about you.
Day one of sobriety. Technically, it's been over 24 hours now without a toke but margin of error and all that. Reading the article about cannabis damping motivation really hit hard for me because it was something I've been pondering a lot lately. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really getting anywhere and as much as I tried breaking through the rut without giving up the ol mary jane, I'd still end up using it as a crutch to deal with stress and would just wind up being more stressed out as a result. The whole thing snowballed into a vicious cycle and I want out.

I hope that by tonight I'll be over the physical withdrawal. Last night was a turbulent sleep, and by morning I had the uncomfortable sensation of my brain being dog tired and wanting sleep but my body being restless and needing to jump out of bed.

The sober life seems like such a distant memory for me. For the past decade, if I wasn't toking then I was drinking, and I've abused both of those enough plus short stints with the white n brown. Lately, since I've gotten deep into the herb addiction, I've alienated almost everyone close to me. Even though I've managed miraculously to keep it a secret from some, it still didn't mitigate the negative impact on my relations with people.

I really hope this time I can get ahead in life, I'm sinking under the pressure of my mounting responsibilities and can't afford to lose hours a day in medicated bliss. Sure would be nice, but I'm marking this date so I have something to look back on in case I do weather the storm and emerge an improved version of me.
I guess i'm doing well by using 1mg suboxone 4 times a week right now instead of heroin. But then I think why the fuck am I getting myself addicted to this shit? If i'm going to be addicted to something might as well make it heroin or oxy instead right? Anyway, i've had no car for awhile and work has dried up so money is low. Which means getting heroin/oxy is a bitch right now and really only a possibility once a week if that. Not a bad thing but did I mention that I do not like being on suboxone. I really want to get some sober time in soon.
unglued has a girlfriend. i was rather pissed when i found out. no logical reason why, i already knew the two of them were hooking up for months. and he told me, it isn't like i found out thru a friend or facebook or anything*

*i would actually prefer some separation in this matter but BLers (or mostly former BLers) are a weird insular bunch at times. it is strange having multiple websites where you interact with the same group of people. not to mention real life contact too.

i am slightly amused about how unglued's girlfriend's ex found out about them. a bit of schadenfreude showing the two of them why sneaking around doesn't work. which is prolly why unglued decided to just tell me what was going on as opposed to me finding out thru the ex.

i decided to join a dating website and been on a few dates. i forgot how weird it is to get to know someone by making small talk and such. but it is fun and i am meeting people who work in different divisions at microsoft. i think it is a rule that any person of the age of 30 must either work at microsoft/amazon/google or be in a relationship with someone who does. because i have yet to meet anyone who isn't associated with one of those companies.
Right now, living in the middle of summer, and seeing a lot of beautiful people with minimal clothing: I've been really craving for a girlfriend.

Never had one, I guess girls don't like me that much. Sometimes I try talking with them, but they don't seem to be interested me in the slightest.
so in a lot of ways things are really looking up but I am also unsure about some other things in my life

The Positive.... I graduated college cum laude
I have a wonderful baby boy who I absolutely love
I cleaned up... I am no longer addicted or dependent on any substances
even ones that were prescribed to me

The Negative... I am not really sure what to do with my college degree
I am frustrated that I cant totally support myself financially and that my
parents do need to help me out... I feel like its a bit of a mark of shame
for my mom especially since I have a baby
I am not that that happy with my baby's father... we are still together
but I have a nagging feeling I could have done much better (at least
genetically speaking however I don't think he is a bad sperm donor ...
he is not relatively intelligent, athletic, and attractive (no he is not an
Abercrombie and Fitch model or an Olympic athlete or a scientist but
still....)) I am ashamed of his drinking though

My Plans.... Take the GRE this fall and hopefully get into a decent grad school with scholarships and grants......
I honestly don't know whether or not I will stay with Jesse's dad yet

Despite all of the negatives I am still at a much better place in my life than I think I have ever really been........ Hopefully things continue to get better
I'm so frustrated and down right now I don't even know what to do with myself. I was just getting started studying for 3 huge electrical theory tests I have back-to-back kicking off in twelve hours from now, and my mom calls saying my dad is back in the hospital and shit is looking serious. His beatbox just don't work right no more and docs already had a few looks inside it in the past but now it's too risky to do anything. It makes me livid that he gave so much heart early in his life before I knew him, and now it's his heart that's failing him.

So now I'm sitting here staring at pages of numbers and heiroglyphs and they're making less sense by the moment because my mind has locked itself in the attic of my brain and started to stare blankly out the proverbial window at the rain. It's raining blood and I want nothing more than to drink and smoke myself into a coma but I can't.

I knew my dad's time was limited less than a year ago when he was in the hospital last. Now I can start to see the spool through the thread that is his life wrapped around it. My mom's sanity and health has to be my biggest concern now, but I know I can't be depended to look after her. She's been strong for so long, looking after my dad the way she has for, well, ever since they've been married pretty much.

She's kept the family together even though it's been drifting apart. All we are now is phone calls, love-yas and Saturday night dinners together where we attempt to catch up even though none of us has much left to say. Pretty soon, the tenuous threads that bind us will start to unravel. The stoic masque my mom upheld for all these years will crack and shatter like glass under too much stress. I will have to be strong for her even though I can't cop to being man enough to be strong enough for myself or anyone else I've ever had in my life.

She and I will be the only ones left of our kin on this side of the world. I've told her in the past she has to think about moving back to Europe to be with family. I just want her happiness, but she doesn't want to let me go. She is stubborn to a fault. So is my dad...

So am I.
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