I as I obsessively do, like a ritual, look at her facebook page. I tried to stop doing it for some time, calling it "obsessive" as if this is necessarily bad (yet, it would be?). I tried to stop, but things drew me back.
The experience could be seen as like insanity, but that is just the face of a bird in a butterflies wings, perhaps, just as well. I'm still really far off.
I'm trying to justify feelings. To be driven crazy over the opposite sex. To have desire, at one time or another. To be driven to feel, and "love". Desperation, like for water. And light.
We struggle to be independent. This is impossible. You were never independent. There are parts of you, and strings attached, that aren't you- that are dependent on others. Unless you live completely isolated... But even still, you depended on many to get to where you are, now. Without their chatting around campfires, you might not have the head you have, or anything. No, you wouldn't.
It's all meta.
I think. Maybe. Of course variation exists. But even that can find itself in others, and in it's experience. This doesn't mean anything crazy. It's just how things are. Like how water carves through a river, we are the bed. And the water. Inherently, not much variation would exist, even though a lot would. But relation would always be. The same fundamentals.
Uhh.
But I trailed off.
She got me. I don't feel it the same now, but it's almost robotic. I saw that, then.
I wanted to see if she had changed her image, which she sometimes does in perfect timing, as things with her fell in perfect timing. Today's my birthday. She changed it right at her birthday, to an angel. Then she changed it on mine. Now her face. Then my mom texts me at 1:59, wishing me happy birthday. Donna's name, although the 1:59 didn't jump totally this way, the feeling is not there quite, I just noted that Donna's name has this sum, of 159. This her full name if N=15 P=16, Etc. I had already related her to my mom by way of numbering certain things, such as times, and through their names. Donna relates. And to others, and time in my life to things/events/people.
I heard 23 today. On the radio. 23 was a number I heard in doubles, at least three times. It was of a phone number on the radio, for a window installation place. 1-800-802(?)-2323, 1-800-802(?)-2323, 1-800-802(?)-2323. I never (I don't remember the last time) hear it like this.
I saw the number 159 on a van, on my way to get rolling papers- my first destination of the day. I wrote it off (and don't remember the name of the van but I remembered it and the numbers could tie in with meaning), even though alignment had already occurred in that direction, with the numbers, my mom, my birthday, her picture. It was rather obvious.
It was the first number I'd really pay attention to, in big black letters, eye level, just after leaving apartment. It was ahead of another car, which had numbers 223, and something else- letters I can't remember. But I wrote it all off, more or less... Not wrote off, I guess, just accepted it. Accepted. Didn't make a big deal. It happens. But I feel like writing about it now, and want to remember everything.
Later
I just watched Archer, on Netflix. I haven't watched this in awhile. It was his birthday in this episode.
The experience could be seen as like insanity, but that is just the face of a bird in a butterflies wings, perhaps, just as well. I'm still really far off.
I'm trying to justify feelings. To be driven crazy over the opposite sex. To have desire, at one time or another. To be driven to feel, and "love". Desperation, like for water. And light.
We struggle to be independent. This is impossible. You were never independent. There are parts of you, and strings attached, that aren't you- that are dependent on others. Unless you live completely isolated... But even still, you depended on many to get to where you are, now. Without their chatting around campfires, you might not have the head you have, or anything. No, you wouldn't.
It's all meta.
I think. Maybe. Of course variation exists. But even that can find itself in others, and in it's experience. This doesn't mean anything crazy. It's just how things are. Like how water carves through a river, we are the bed. And the water. Inherently, not much variation would exist, even though a lot would. But relation would always be. The same fundamentals.
Uhh.
But I trailed off.
She got me. I don't feel it the same now, but it's almost robotic. I saw that, then.
I wanted to see if she had changed her image, which she sometimes does in perfect timing, as things with her fell in perfect timing. Today's my birthday. She changed it right at her birthday, to an angel. Then she changed it on mine. Now her face. Then my mom texts me at 1:59, wishing me happy birthday. Donna's name, although the 1:59 didn't jump totally this way, the feeling is not there quite, I just noted that Donna's name has this sum, of 159. This her full name if N=15 P=16, Etc. I had already related her to my mom by way of numbering certain things, such as times, and through their names. Donna relates. And to others, and time in my life to things/events/people.
I heard 23 today. On the radio. 23 was a number I heard in doubles, at least three times. It was of a phone number on the radio, for a window installation place. 1-800-802(?)-2323, 1-800-802(?)-2323, 1-800-802(?)-2323. I never (I don't remember the last time) hear it like this.
I saw the number 159 on a van, on my way to get rolling papers- my first destination of the day. I wrote it off (and don't remember the name of the van but I remembered it and the numbers could tie in with meaning), even though alignment had already occurred in that direction, with the numbers, my mom, my birthday, her picture. It was rather obvious.
It was the first number I'd really pay attention to, in big black letters, eye level, just after leaving apartment. It was ahead of another car, which had numbers 223, and something else- letters I can't remember. But I wrote it all off, more or less... Not wrote off, I guess, just accepted it. Accepted. Didn't make a big deal. It happens. But I feel like writing about it now, and want to remember everything.
Later
I just watched Archer, on Netflix. I haven't watched this in awhile. It was his birthday in this episode.