So, I'm having deep existential sorrow - still - that I am not a drug user anymore.
Often I think that Bluelight is keeping me from moving on to a new self-image as a non-user. I gave up my scripts & pot a year ago because I couldn't control my use and was a failure of a parent. Nothing short of losing custody could have gotten me to this height of sobriety. I feel so accomplished, proud, and self-satisfied. This has been a year of being Awake. Laborious but rewarding and expansive.
When I come to this website it's stressful to read people glorifying so many substances from my old loves to passing acquaintences to strangers I'm sure I could love but have never met. In moments reading these things I subject myself to feel continual wist from the separation. There's a strong sentiment inside me that I am NOT whole, I am NOT One, that I am Two and my other half - substances - have been severed from me, reluctantly though willingly. Because my choices are either remain completely clean, or give up being a parent. I need and wholly plan to continue this path without substances.
Choosing between the two relationships is a no-brainer, obviously, and it's totally working for me.
Strangely however I still come to Bluelight when it actually causes me pain of craving - a grand pain that has the unmatched capacity to bring me to the original sorrow. So it seems I still have a little bit left (though not much) to explore in this realm.
Often I think that Bluelight is keeping me from moving on to a new self-image as a non-user. I gave up my scripts & pot a year ago because I couldn't control my use and was a failure of a parent. Nothing short of losing custody could have gotten me to this height of sobriety. I feel so accomplished, proud, and self-satisfied. This has been a year of being Awake. Laborious but rewarding and expansive.
When I come to this website it's stressful to read people glorifying so many substances from my old loves to passing acquaintences to strangers I'm sure I could love but have never met. In moments reading these things I subject myself to feel continual wist from the separation. There's a strong sentiment inside me that I am NOT whole, I am NOT One, that I am Two and my other half - substances - have been severed from me, reluctantly though willingly. Because my choices are either remain completely clean, or give up being a parent. I need and wholly plan to continue this path without substances.
Choosing between the two relationships is a no-brainer, obviously, and it's totally working for me.
Strangely however I still come to Bluelight when it actually causes me pain of craving - a grand pain that has the unmatched capacity to bring me to the original sorrow. So it seems I still have a little bit left (though not much) to explore in this realm.
