life on a diet

I should be studying right now. I have a very important test in a couple hours. Instead im sitting here reminiscing about the past. Sometimes the past seems really blurry like it was a dream. I remember fragments, like conversations while waiting for the man, I remember the heat in the summer, I remember alot of waiting alot of parking lots side roads and sketchy neigborhoods. I remember the people, my friends, my enemies, my junkies. I think about the ones who didnt make it out. The ones who would kill for the oppertunity to come to college have a girlfriend play intermural basketball with my friends. Why am I not happy? I seem to have recovered everything I lost and then some.

This life just doesnt feel right to me. I wake up everyday thinking what am I doing here? Am I really a junior in college? How did I make it this far? I think about the summer, that summer I spent living needle to vien. My only worry was whether the dope man would pick up his phone. Dont get me wrong I know there is no going back I have tried. God have I tried!! It just wasnt the same.

Im scared about the future. My nerves are rubbed raw being in recovery is like being on a diet. You know you cant have any chocolate cake but that doesnt mean you dont wake up craving a bite just a little taste to remind you what your fighting for. So here I am living a lie I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

 

Damn man this was a great read I can relate to it a lot, I know exactly how you feel the first time I got clean and (nit saying hou do this) but I put an act on and it was so fake... this time in my soberness I have been true to myself but even so it somehow feels wrong even though I know it should be right

 

Hey jones its nice to know that someone knows what im talking about. I upped my suboxone dose to 1mg shortly after i wrote this because i coildnt cope with the feeling. That helped me stop thinking about dope so much. Unfortunatly for me being true to myself means shooting heroin. I almost like the lifestyle as much as the drug. Its pretty fucked up. But i hope your doing well jones. Pm me sometime.