I've sat here and stared at my keyboard for an hour or so now, trying to work out what I want to say and how.
I feel... locked out... of my own head. But it's not just that. I deliberately keep myself occupied with worrying about friends who I know are in bad situations, so I don't have to be alone in my own head (too long in there and I'll convince myself I'm crazy). I'm antsy, and need to keep myself distracted. I can't turn it off and I can't sleep, so it's a 24/7 barrage until I finally crash. There's no respite from myself.
Talking with one of my friends the other day, I was open for the first time with what I deal with (mentally) on a daily basis. The only thing she could say was 'You hide it well'. I wasn't hurt by this, as I'm used to nobody being able to help me (or sometimes not even being willing to listen). I rarely talk about my problems, so it's probably my fault for setting my friendships/relationships up this way. I keep everyone at a manageable distance, close enough that they feel comfortable talking to me about their problems, but not close enough for them to see my demons. The last person I let into my mind stopped talking to me, all I get from them now is offhanded comments when I try to initiate conversation, and when I don't, I won't hear from them for weeks.
I'm lonely, tired of being alone and happier being alone all at the same time. I live in a house full of people, but I only ever interact with them when I absolutely can't avoid it. I worked with a bunch of people, but I rarely talked at work, I just wanted my day over with so I could go home and lock myself in my room again, not sleeping. These days I rarely talk to people online anymore.
I'm hoping that moving in a couple of months, and living with friends I've known for years rather than complete strangers, will help me out of this rut I'm in. I want to go back to the financially and mentally stable me that I apparently left in Melbourne when I moved back.
I'm going to stop now, before I start rambling nonsense.
I feel... locked out... of my own head. But it's not just that. I deliberately keep myself occupied with worrying about friends who I know are in bad situations, so I don't have to be alone in my own head (too long in there and I'll convince myself I'm crazy). I'm antsy, and need to keep myself distracted. I can't turn it off and I can't sleep, so it's a 24/7 barrage until I finally crash. There's no respite from myself.
You'll be perfect just like me
You'll be a lover in my bed
And a gun to my head
Talking with one of my friends the other day, I was open for the first time with what I deal with (mentally) on a daily basis. The only thing she could say was 'You hide it well'. I wasn't hurt by this, as I'm used to nobody being able to help me (or sometimes not even being willing to listen). I rarely talk about my problems, so it's probably my fault for setting my friendships/relationships up this way. I keep everyone at a manageable distance, close enough that they feel comfortable talking to me about their problems, but not close enough for them to see my demons. The last person I let into my mind stopped talking to me, all I get from them now is offhanded comments when I try to initiate conversation, and when I don't, I won't hear from them for weeks.
I'm lonely, tired of being alone and happier being alone all at the same time. I live in a house full of people, but I only ever interact with them when I absolutely can't avoid it. I worked with a bunch of people, but I rarely talked at work, I just wanted my day over with so I could go home and lock myself in my room again, not sleeping. These days I rarely talk to people online anymore.
I'm hoping that moving in a couple of months, and living with friends I've known for years rather than complete strangers, will help me out of this rut I'm in. I want to go back to the financially and mentally stable me that I apparently left in Melbourne when I moved back.
I'm going to stop now, before I start rambling nonsense.