I haven't been quite the same since I relapsed on meth a few weeks ago. We stopped after four days, but each day has been a struggle not to use again. Looking back on it, I know that my boyfriend and I felt terrible the last day, but I'm already forgetting why. After we used we said that the next time we did it we would try to go out of town and make a little vacation out of it. That way we wouldn't have any commitments to flake out on or responsibilities we needed to attend to. But I just simply don't want to wait that long and don't want to have to go out of town to use. I like using here and I like working on meth. I know that sounds silly, but when you start using meth, you really can work on it and still delivery quality material. But as the days slip by and sleep evades you, obviously your work starts deteriorating and you start flaking out. The trick is to not use often enough to let that happen. Easier said than done, right? I was hoping that when we picked up meth again that we would be able to do it once a month or so. But after the last time, my boyfriend made it quite clear that he doesn't want to use it that often and that we shouldn't do it here again. I agreed. At the time, I think I meant it. I know the risks. I know the dangers. I'm trying not to make it out to be better than it is. But my stupid addict brain keeps telling me that this time would be different. As long as it wasn't weekly, we would be okay.
I know how silly this must sound, especially if you've read any of my blog posts before. I know the devastating effects it can have on my life. I just keep thinking that if we were able to keep each other in check and not use on weekly basis that everything would be fine. But even if it was possible... would it be worth it? I'm already straddling two worlds by being a junky. And that can be challenging enough trying to keep that juicy tidbit of info hidden from so many people IRL. Would it even be possible with meth? But the craving is just so strong. My body screams out, "YES! Of course it's possible! You just don't let yourself get out of hand like the last two times. This time you could do it." But my brain say, "I don't know... that would be challenging. It would be difficult for either one of you to keep it regulated and in check." You notice... I can't even bring my brain to say "No! Definitely Not!" And that's the logical part of me that should be saying that. I just can't bring myself to so definitively cut myself off from it again. I haven't even wanted to talk about it with my shrink. I haven't scheduled an appointment in two weeks, because I don't want to be talked into thinking rationally about it. I want to use again and I want it to be soon. Period. But as some smart drug addicts and junkies once said...
"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
Well, I am trying. I'm hoping maybe if I put enough space between uses, that I'll remember why we agreed not to use at home and put so much time between uses. The first day that we used, we talked about putting two weeks between uses, at least. I was totally fine with that. In fact, I was excited about that. But somewhere within those three or four days, I guess his mind changed. And I guess that's a good thing. I just don't want it to have to be this big occasion when we go out of town and everything. I want it to be a weekend at home thing. I guess I made him feel guilty because I was really depressed a few days after thinking that this was going to be the only time for a while. And I gave him some shit about not talking to me about it first and just springing the surprise on me. But I would take every word of that back now if it meant we could try it again here. I was happy when he brought it home. Maybe what I was really saying is, I should be able to bring it home by surprise sometimes.
I don't know. It just sux. Addiction sux. I know I am no longer physically addicted to meth. But like they say, "Once an addict, always an addict". I keep telling myself that if I knew I was able to use more frequently than 4 times a year then I wouldn't be so depressed. If we could go back to that 2-4 weeks between uses, then I would be able to deal better with the off time. Man, I know this is a post that anyone who is not a drug addicts will just shake their heads at and think "What is wrong with that girl?" But this is my blog - about drugs - so this is how a drug addict thinks. Trust me. We can rationalize the moon being purple if it meant we could use more drugs. Ah, whatever. I'm going to try to stop thinking about it right now (and yes, that means slamming heroin.) *Sigh*
I know how silly this must sound, especially if you've read any of my blog posts before. I know the devastating effects it can have on my life. I just keep thinking that if we were able to keep each other in check and not use on weekly basis that everything would be fine. But even if it was possible... would it be worth it? I'm already straddling two worlds by being a junky. And that can be challenging enough trying to keep that juicy tidbit of info hidden from so many people IRL. Would it even be possible with meth? But the craving is just so strong. My body screams out, "YES! Of course it's possible! You just don't let yourself get out of hand like the last two times. This time you could do it." But my brain say, "I don't know... that would be challenging. It would be difficult for either one of you to keep it regulated and in check." You notice... I can't even bring my brain to say "No! Definitely Not!" And that's the logical part of me that should be saying that. I just can't bring myself to so definitively cut myself off from it again. I haven't even wanted to talk about it with my shrink. I haven't scheduled an appointment in two weeks, because I don't want to be talked into thinking rationally about it. I want to use again and I want it to be soon. Period. But as some smart drug addicts and junkies once said...
"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
Well, I am trying. I'm hoping maybe if I put enough space between uses, that I'll remember why we agreed not to use at home and put so much time between uses. The first day that we used, we talked about putting two weeks between uses, at least. I was totally fine with that. In fact, I was excited about that. But somewhere within those three or four days, I guess his mind changed. And I guess that's a good thing. I just don't want it to have to be this big occasion when we go out of town and everything. I want it to be a weekend at home thing. I guess I made him feel guilty because I was really depressed a few days after thinking that this was going to be the only time for a while. And I gave him some shit about not talking to me about it first and just springing the surprise on me. But I would take every word of that back now if it meant we could try it again here. I was happy when he brought it home. Maybe what I was really saying is, I should be able to bring it home by surprise sometimes.
I don't know. It just sux. Addiction sux. I know I am no longer physically addicted to meth. But like they say, "Once an addict, always an addict". I keep telling myself that if I knew I was able to use more frequently than 4 times a year then I wouldn't be so depressed. If we could go back to that 2-4 weeks between uses, then I would be able to deal better with the off time. Man, I know this is a post that anyone who is not a drug addicts will just shake their heads at and think "What is wrong with that girl?" But this is my blog - about drugs - so this is how a drug addict thinks. Trust me. We can rationalize the moon being purple if it meant we could use more drugs. Ah, whatever. I'm going to try to stop thinking about it right now (and yes, that means slamming heroin.) *Sigh*