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dear blog,

kicked new years off with a hell of a start in a homeless shelter, missed the fireworks down town Louisville because of the 11o clock curfew. The shit that went on in that fucking place... droppersneck knows, it wasn't a homeless shelter, it was a place to go and safely do drugs, hell.. i thought everyone was full of shit telling me that Louisville had good heroin. hahaha oh how fucking wrong i was, and yerp considering i was 'homeless', i was still able to purchase $50 a day on my heroin habit.
some ungodly shit, and I've done heroin all over the united states and here, was the first time i did china white. i'm 100% sure that the shit was cut with Fentanyl because to many people were overdosing on it, and lost 7 of my 'homeless buddies' due to overdoses this year because of the shit.
you know you stepped in on some shit when the second you walked into that fucking place that it smelled like fucking Narcan. i got so used to people overdosing around me that it really isn't funny to talk about, because its fucked up when i have to shit in the morning and find some other guy blue in the face sitting on the shit can with a syringe still in his palm in the crouched position, well guess i'm going to have to walk to the hospital (it's the closest place to take a shit) because here in a few minutes the paramedics will be here to haul the dude away. its sad because a lot of the guys and girls that overdose i fucking speak with them, not really about drugs, but like 'hey where u from ASL>?', maybe i could have done something different?
i doubt it, because when i wanted to get high like that, the last thing i wanted to hear from anyone's mouth was 'how was your day'? '..so uhm, u got that can ready' or am i going to have to do it myself'. yeah, it was that bad. lol good luck to who ever is trying to get sober in that place, sure as hell didn't open my eyes to reality.. that didn't happen until later on..

fast forward to February,

if you could imagine, it didn't take long before i got kicked out of the shelter, and really, it was my own fault. you know how we tell on ourselves when we are nodding out, drunk slurring words, or laying on the back spaced out of fucking mind.
three times the charm right?? except this time, i am lucky typing this because it was me that overdosed this time. was found by the staff of the place in the very same bathroom where i found buddy blued out.
told my 'friend' that i was going to take a shower, had the shower running and decided to do a shot. some new shit, bought from a new connect. didn't think much of it except to water it down a little more because i didn't want to over dose.
i hate oxymoron's, and i told you so's, so I'm going to skip all that shit, woke up the next morning in the hospital. Baha'ullah doctors and nurses' telling me how lucky i am to getting the right medication in time. and i just might have a problem? well, yeah i can see that problem now, because i have no where to go back to now, the shelter has had enough of my shit.

oh did i mention I'm smoking spice on top of all this shit?? yeah, by its self, its a s$eezy drug, but once its mixed with heroin and alcohol. shit. I'm lucky to be in a 'shelter'(i mean roof over my head).

So i leave the hospital, only wearing the cloths on my back and the hospital bracelet on my arm, 'where to next'? ha!!!!
well, I've been down this road before. except that last time i had more shit and now an expired ID and some old bus transfers.

I needed a spot, somewhere I can go and bang dope without cops, without anyone. the more I think and write about it, the more it sounds like..the more I wanted to kill myself. what was stopping me? how come god wouldn't let me fucking die? get it together man, you see me fucking struggling!

I hooked up with a shady ass group of people, and was able to rent-a-tent, for some dope, and in the mix, i learned to boost.
whatever you wanted, just meet me at point B when I went to point A. hell, here's an aka-selzer, fuck cause a commotion,have a granny seizure,go to the hospital. when you get out and come back, here's your fucking shit,. wheres my shit? damn straight, dope-man.it's Monday already? damn, that was like Thursday. how the fuck did i feed myself over the weekend? whose pant's am i wearing because i don't do Dickie khakis, unless.. did i go to church on Sunday? heh, that might explain this $50 bill and this $20.

$50 a day habit, soon turned into a $100 a day habit, and that's a gram of heroin, a quarter of spice, a pack of cigarettes, and 2 pints of vodka. (it later turned into the 'brown' Listerine',)

who the fuck can live like this? with people still with me wanting to push me to the extreme, hell, i thought friends were people who would toss the other $30 in the pot so you both can get a gram and split the shit? or someone to go pan handle with to put our dimes,quarters, and dollars in to purchase a gallon of vodka. it's an art, to go ask people for money, and i wont get into it much except that people do make a living doing it.

i was camping on an abandoned railroad track(the track was gone) the rocks were still there, to dig into my back, didn't care much because i was high 99% of the time i was back there, and the plus part was I had met a girl somewhere between homeless food gatherings A and B, and she came around when I came around, and minus the coming around, it still was nice getting my dick sucked when rolling a 'chicken bone' or after doing a shot. where i wake up the next day and she's gone.*checks pockets*whew,still got my syringe..

what happened?? to open my eyes? where i see a life outside of having to find a lighter at 3am? or water?
I got locked up, went to jail, for 26 days, not going to get into why i got locked up except snitches get fucking stitches.
during my time 'in', i had no one, no one. not a single family member, worried if I'm still alive, or I'm in jail. oh, let me tell you how bad the withdraws were, horrible. i couldn't even shit in the toilet for the first few days. fuck these 2 blankets, and mat, fuck my life. So after getting into a fist brawl with the motherfucker i got locked up with, i got tossed into 'the hole' for a week,. and i had a lot of time to think, and throw wet toilet paper at the bulls eye that someone drew on the cell wall. one thing i thought about, is 'when I'm gone', when I'm fucking gone... what will people say about me?? what about my mom, and dad? hell i hadn't talked to them since like 12/01/15, so you can imagine the shit going through my head.



when I'm gone..
I'll be there, when I'm gone. you won't, neither the syringe that i tossed in a wall mart bag beside my camp. mom or dad, or my buddy crimson junk, none of them will be there,except me. drew will be there, i bet, if I'm lucky, I'll be wearing a hospital bracelet when I'm gone. eh.


enough sad shit.

my clean date is April 1st, 2016.
my fucking clean date is April fools day you sick son of a bitch.

anyone that tells you heroin stays in your system for a week is full of fucking shit, try being a jail trustee puffing an e-cigarette, trying to trade it for heroin, when the e-cig is worth more then the heroin?.

hey, check out the show called '60 days in' on A&E, I'm on it. go fuck your self.

where I'm at now?

thank god, whom i call my higher power, which is my thoughts, fuck you whore cunt bitch if you think your higher power cant be your thoughts, I'll first face fist you with my cock and friend request you on wow, then UN friend you once you accept it.

when i got out of jail, April 27th, 2016...
where to go?
A- leads to camp site= no heroin(because fuck a 70 yr old trying to boost for dope)
B- leads to halfway house,

I chose the most fucking bumpiest path(even for a gangster mountain bike)
I chose B.

Half way, here I come...

I got a job the first day, and went to take the piss test on the second day, lol. weed? fuck that shit showing up! I'm a straight up heroin addict! fuck your pot, fuck my pot? (only 2 piss in).
so i got the job, i passed the piss test, and got a bad-ass job making car parts for Toyota and Lexus.

yo, it can be done, and in my case, it took going to jail, sobering up(it sucked, and got into a program.
been sober ever since.
i still see the people that i used to fuck with on the streets at the 'homeless feedings', and guys, girls. if it wern't for ...

exit-zero
D's wouldn't be here today.

So, working 40+ hrs a week, going to 7 meetings a week, (mix and match NA and AA).
am here to pay it fucking forward.
bus pass, $$1.75
rent, $100.00
helping someone here(or there) trying to catch the bus? $$$
priceless

here i sit, work 40+hrs a week, at a job making $8/hr,...(and in a year I'd make $15.00/hr).
all i can say is that it takes time to get time, and in my case, it takes time to repair time.

I'll add more later when i can think of shit, but until then..
thanks for reading!
drew

Hello. How are you?
Slash fith//

Hey. So. Dot.5th. Trl.
So
Just wwatever.


D's. Respects,
P ce

Ok As i sit here enlightened(High) im gonna try to write this down. We are the universe experiencing itself. And if thats true the one logical goal is to use my time to better the life experience of all beings. Extend my own human experience and enhance the lives of others. I state the human experience is amazing and we should concern ourselves with making making every human experience last as long as possible. For as i have seen we are the best vehicle for experiencing this universe. So it should be priority that people's life be extended indefinitely. Because we must learn from each other if we wish to occupy infinity to its fullest.

So, here I am typing this, which must mean I'm still alive, and I really want to keep it that way, we'll shit.where to begin,
I am stuck in fucking indianna, Clark County so you know that fucking TV show called 60 days in?well been there done that, I've done the homeless thing here and I'm still homeless, the cool thing is that this family has adopted me as the older brother, meaning I'm older then the ladies twins which are 21, and she wants me to mentor them. So all bull shit aside, maybe God has me stuck here for a reason? I'm trying to teach them how to not get homeless and so far so good actually.
Things art great,but they are good.
I have a older brother that's dieing on a feeding tube that's back in alabama, and a father that's dieing in a nursing home in tenenesse. So the feelings that I'm feeling right now is..to somehow ignore the fact,that I'm about to lose a brother and a father, and try to get over it by helping others.
My stepdad is a pos and he doesn't want to help me get back home to see my brother, and my sister isn't answering her phone so I get find out which nursing home my dad is at and to go and see him.
I've laid in my bed thinking at night, wondering if I were to die right then and there then I would damn sure make sure that neither my mother nor sister know fucking shit about me passing away, I would leave it in writing that the local church that I've been going to on Sundays that they make a plot for me,and skater my remains in the Ohio river, where I can find the next town,the next city to help someone else at.
Tbh I didn't like fuck up bad enough for them to do me like this,the thing is my granddaddy left me and my sister a lot of money, and my father has a damp good life insurance plan on him,so my family is trying to keep me away from it.
Long story short, here I sit fucking babysitting someone else's kids,smoking rolled up crank cigarettes and drinking wine. Can life get much simplar?
Until next time.
Drew

Wake up at 3am. Your fighting in over a fucking blanket. It's 4amwho cares,
I care. I crunch skulls.
No word in 1 week. Where am I at? OK
That's right.. I keep forgetting if I'm like borderline or not.

How did they do it in the movies?

2 weeks ago?

I was ok. I had a phone ..and was talking in with dopemaster,and d jason.
They can tell u where I'm at, well , I'm at,
A, fucking bedbug,roach,,crawler,,spot,yet,I just bought these mfs ,mfs as in motherfuckers, mmmmmmm mfs,
I'm somewhere to live at.

So minus drinkinking listerene. (Only the brown shit),

So here I am.

Dear bluelight,

Mom's number is <snip - PM poster for the number if required>,


Please tell mom that you know me,and I am okay.


Drew_

blog. B L O G,......lol

So ever since I stopped doing dope and my g/f and i broke up like 6 months ago we have been seeing each other less and less which is good because we arent dating anymore and need to stop being so dependent on each other in an effort to become individuals again. Thats cool I dont mind it for the most part other then I dont have any friends.

The issue is i literally have projects i can work on till i die so i flip flop constantly on this issue. I will work endlessly on a new project get it right think im amazing for it then realize i have no one to share in the success with and get upset when I realize i cant message unresponsive people anymore. I dont mind the whole being alone part all of my hobbies are solo endeavors anyway and 9/10 id rather just work and accomplish what i consider meaningful stuff.

In the end its what ive always wanted and what i always said i needed, a large degree of isolation to focus on my self and my future as a scientist. Its literally what i said i wanted for years and yet here i am torn on how to lose this feeling that i care about being social. I know i cant because humans are social animals but at the same time i always figured the internet would provide me with the means to remove the feeling that i need some kind of true companionship.

I dont want females, chasing them seems like a large waste of time, im not great at developing friendships really so yeah im a great and amazing person but i never bother to be like "lets be friends" most interactions are viewed as one time things in my mind. I never allowed friends to transcend boundries so i dont have friends from college as id never dream of holding on to them, just like the ones from work and high school.

i think about it all the time. who i am in this very existence. i seem to be a collection of experiences in a perpetual learning mode. there's always something for me to discover with every day that pasts.

i am a man of simple taste, just about to take on the most important phase in my life but i'm burdened by the weight of experimentation. the endless possibilities of trying new things be it new hobbies or new drugs has always kept me interested in this vicious cycle we call life. it only gets older the more the sun rises and sets and i'm only getting colder and it's lonely.

i've found things to accompany me on my journey such as trying new food, activities and drugs but the peak of my interest resides in the perpetual expansion of my own consciousness. i've consumed many mind altering drugs that have helped me in their own ways, most notably the hallucinogens, however, i still find fun in the less psychedelic drugs that focus more on mental and physical comfort. cannabis, valium, kratom, LSD, MDxx, mushrooms, DMT, n2O, ketamine and DXM have all helped me in their own ways.

i've come to place a serious chain upon my drug use to stay clear of abuse so i smoke weed when i believe it'll suit my mind right and have found more enjoyment in smoking only in the evenings and in combination with other drugs. valium has helped me in many ways including freeing me of anxiety when i'm too high or providing comforting relaxation and sedation when my mind needs it most. alcohol has always helped me silently relax in my mind but also loosen my guard so that i am able to have normal conversations with 'normal' people. i've grown to love kratom for its sedating and euphoric properties since it provides the perfect vibe for reflection after a stressful week along my journey of life though i do not take it often, i am aware of staying away from developing a serious habit.

hallucinogens have impacted me mentally the most out of them all in particular, LSD has inspired me to reach the higher me and focus on radiating powerful energy outwards while maintaining happiness within me most. it has shown me what life can be and how easily my own thoughts and spiritual awareness can shape my reality. mushrooms have positively impacted my appreciation for mother nature and funnily enough, i've stopped littering :D. MDxx has given me a glimpse of the romantic side of life in its most commonly referred to form i.e love. i've realized that everyone deserves love in some form or the other from my family to my most hated enemy since we are all from different backgrounds and deserve positive energy in our lives. DMT has desensitized me to death and opened my mind to an entirely new dimension of bliss and everlasting joy which gives me the idea that this is the place i aspire to reach here on earth so that i can ascend to the heavens and spend everlasting life wandering the universe in its entirety. the dissociative side of hallucinogens are still very strange to me as they seem to focus on my past and current states of mind in more depth than psychedelics. i have learned much from tripping and i am ever thankful for the experiences i've been allowed to endure over the last 5 years. i truly think i've become a better, more positive person.

without drug influence i've been learning more and more about the social aspect of life and maintaining relationships through interactions with those i consider my closest friends. i would like to think i am happy with where i stand in life but always seem to thirst for another higher feeling that i can't ever seem to find. i may be looking too deeply within myself but i can't help but search for the things that i think are missing. i've come a long way from feeling very insecure and shy to becoming very outspoken and confident with the person i've grown to be and truly believe only positive things are to come my way - at least, this is the mindset i try to maintain so that a positive outcome is always seen and lived.

i've grown to love food, sport, exercise, expanding knowledge, meeting new people, flirting with girls, enjoying good drink in the right setting and finding new music and movies to enjoy. i believe i have equipped myself with sufficient good vibes to continue the journey of life and though i have thought of suicide, i have learned to rise above the darkness so that i am able to see clearly.

There is so much disagreement over what are, exactly, the different types of knowledge that an agreed upon “master list” simply does not exist. This is because knowledge is purely philosophical; debates span centuries, arguments supersede fact and everyone has a different opinion about what is, or is not, knowledge.

What follows is a master list (although, of course, it won’t be agreed upon) of the different types of knowledge and theories of knowledge that are out there. Turn this new-found “knowledge” on yourself with this awesome class on how to take inventory of yourself and gain authentic self-knowlege.


1. A Priori


A priori and a posteriori are two of the original terms in epistemology (the study of knowledge). A priori literally means “from before” or “from earlier.” This is because a priori knowledge depends upon what a person can derive from the world without needing to experience it. This is better known as reasoning. Of course, a degree of experience is necessary upon which a priori knowledge can take shape.


Let’s look at an example. If you were in a closed room with no windows and someone asked you what the weather was like, you would not be able to answer them with any degree of truth. If you did, then you certainly would not be in possession of a priori knowledge. It would simply be impossible to use reasoning to produce a knowledgeable answer.


On the other hand, if there were a chalkboard in the room and someone wrote the equation 4 + 6 = ? on the board, then you could find the answer without physically finding four objects and adding six more objects to them and then counting them. You would know the answer is 10 without needing a real world experience to understand it. In fact, mathematical equations are one of the most popular examples of a priori knowledge.


Interested in learning more about philosophy? Check out this five-star course on an introduction to philosophy and its different schools of thought.


2. A Posteriori


Naturally, then, a posteriori literally means “from what comes later” or “from what comes after.” This is a reference to experience and using a different kind of reasoning (inductive) to gain knowledge. This kind of knowledge is gained by first having an experience (and the important idea in philosophy is that it is acquired through the five senses) and then using logic and reflection to derive understanding from it. In philosophy, this term is sometimes used interchangeably with empirical knowledge, which is knowledge based on observation.


It is believed that a priori knowledge is more reliable than a posteriori knowledge. This might seem counter-intuitive, since in the former case someone can just sit inside of a room and base their knowledge on factual evidence while in the latter case someone is having real experiences in the world. But the problem lies in this very fact: everyone’s experiences are subjective and open to interpretation. This is a very complex subject and you might find it illuminating to read this post on knowledge issues and how to identify and use them. A mathematical equation, on the other hand, is law.


3. Explicit Knowledge


Now we are entering the realm of explicit and tacit knowledge. As you have noticed by now, types of knowledge tend to come in pairs and are often antitheses of each other. Explicit knowledge is similar to a priori knowledge in that it is more formal or perhaps more reliable. Explicit knowledge is knowledge that is recorded and communicated through mediums. It is our libraries and databases. The specifics of what is contained is less important than how it is contained. Anything from the sciences to the arts can have elements that can be expressed in explicit knowledge. Get a taste of explicit knowledge for yourself with this top-rated course on learning how to learn and knowing how to tap into your inner genius.


The defining feature of explicit knowledge is that it can be easily and quickly transmitted from one individual to another, or to another ten-thousand or ten-billion. It also tends to be organized systematically. For example, a history textbook on the founding of America would take a chronological approach as this would allow knowledge to build upon itself through a progressive system; in this case, time.


4. Tacit Knowledge


I should note that tacit knowledge is a relatively new theory introduced only as recently as the 1950s. Whereas explicit knowledge is very easy to communicate and transfer from one individual to another, tacit knowledge is precisely the opposite. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to communicate tacit knowledge through any medium.


For example, the textbook on the founding of America can teach facts (or things we believe to be facts), but someone who is an expert musician can not truly communicate their knowledge; in other words, they can not tell someone how to play the instrument and the person will immediately possess that knowledge. That knowledge must be acquired to a degree that goes far, far beyond theory. In this sense, tacit knowledge would most closely resemble a posteriori knowledge, as it can only be achieved through experience.


The biggest difficult of tacit knowledge is knowing when it is useful and figuring out how to make it usable. Tacit knowledge can only be communicated through consistent and extensive relationships or contact (such as taking lessons from a professional musician). But even in this cases there will not be a true transfer of knowledge. Usually two forms of knowledge are born, as each person must fill in certain blanks (such as skill, short-cuts, rhythms, etc.). You can better understand this theory and other ways we use knowledge with this video textbook on the psychology of learning.


5. Propositional Knowledge (also Descriptive or Declarative Knowledge)


Our last pair of knowledge theories are propositional and non-propositional knowledge, both of which share similarities with some of the other theories already discussed. Propositional knowledge has the oddest definition yet, as it is commonly held that it is knowledge that can literally be expressed in propositions; that is, in declarative sentences (to use its other name) or indicative propositions.


Propositional knowledge is not so different from a priori and explicit knowledge. The key attribute is knowing that something is true. Again, mathematical equations could be an example of propositional knowledge, because it is knowledge of something, as opposed to knowledge of how to do something.


The best example is one that contrasts propositional knowledge with our next form of knowledge, non-propositional or procedural knowledge. Let’s use a textbook/manual/instructional pamphlet that has information on how to program a computer as our example. Propositional knowledge is simply knowing something or having knowledge of something. So if you read and/or memorized the textbook or manual, then you would know the steps on how to program a computer. You could even repeat these steps to someone else in the form of declarative sentences or indicative propositions. However, you may have memorized every word yet have no idea how to actually program a computer. That is where non-propositional or procedural knowledge comes in.


Now might be a good time to brush up on how we learn with this sweet course on how to base goals on what you want to learn in order to exceed your wildest dreams.


6. Non-Propositional Knowledge (also Procedural Knowledge)


Non-propositional knowledge (which is better known as procedural knowledge, but I decided to use “non-propositional” because it is a more obvious antithesis to “propositional”) is knowledge that can be used; it can be applied to something, such as a problem. Procedural knowledge differs from propositional knowledge in that it is acquired “by doing”; propositional knowledge is acquired by more conservative forms of learning.


One of the defining characteristics of procedural knowledge is that it can be claimed in a court of law. In other words, companies that develop their own procedures or methods can protect them as intellectual property. They can then, of course, be sold, protected, leased, etc.


Procedural knowledge has many advantages. Obviously, hands-on experience is extremely valuable; literally so, as it can be used to obtain employment. We are seeing this today as experience (procedural) is eclipsing education (propositional). Sure, education is great, but experience is what defines what a person is capable of accomplishing. So someone who “knows” how to write code is not nearly as valuable as someone who “writes” or “has written” code.


But nobody can deny the intrinsic and real value of experience. This is often more accurate than propositional knowledge because it is more akin to the scientific method; hypotheses are tested, observation is used, and progress results.


===


Why is this all relevant?

Well, in my humble opinion, having some tacit knowledge on top of explicit knowledge about the mind altering substances an individual is studying in a professional setting can mean the difference between declaring war on (certain/some) drugs (thus, handing the keys to a ~$350,000,000,000 USD annual business to organized crime to endlessly exploit), and choosing to adopt a harm reduction-based drug policy where education and medical attention is combined with the legalization, taxing and regulation of the lower risk psychotropic substances.

And I strongly believe that the war on drugs would have never been declared by Nixon in '71 if that was the case with him. He was big on booze and tobacco - both were left legal.

Either way, thank you for your time. I hope you feel that this blog post was worth reading, good day

Apologies for the self-indulgent poem. This is the story of my meth addiction (Meth is called Tina where I am from). The poem is intended to be read in the tone of "'Twas a Night before Christmas", it makes a very harrowing story a lot more light-hearted.

Thanks for reading, if you do...

- PART ONE -​

This tale is a warning, about a vice and its woe,
​

Of the lesson I learnt, and the ones yet to know.​

See, the end is unwritten, might be my final farewell,
​

To the good and the bad, to the heaven and hell.​

But the tale should be told, and so I’ll commence,
I’ll be open and honest and try not cause offence.​

The whole story started less than eighteen months ago,
With me overweight, out-of-shape and my self-esteem low.​

I was awkward and sad but was so sick of my lot,
I’d work out to get thin; it was no novel plot.

But this time I did it. Lost the kilos: twenty-three,
An aesthetic success! But a shock lay waiting for me.​

What I discovered to my horror, when the fat had all gone,
It wasn’t why I’d been unhappy, I’d been mistaken all along.​

When you can’t blame the depression on the layers of fat.
Scapegoat’s gone, veil’s been lifted – now its time to face facts.​

I had hated myself. For which, there’s no easy cure.
But I'd never have guessed what I was about to endure.​

- PART TWO -​

My grim realisation was not as clear as it is now
It’s taken time and reflection to solve the why and how​

So superficial I was that the weight-loss pleased me,
My new body confidence brought me much glee.​

It took a short step in learning that when building your self-worth up,
Needn't do it yourself, if others will do it - you're in luck.​

The more notches you make, the more of them like you,
Each stamp of approval means you’re worth something too.​

But this trick doesn’t work, it’s short shrift at best,
Such validation’s unstable and needs constant redress​

All that matters in this system is that they want you,
No connection required, don't need your desire too.​

Soon I became an object, a thing merely of which you approve,
Such validation is addictive, not before long it consumes you.

This game is never over, the self-worth is never won,
For approval this fleeting, this shallow has soon gone.​

Your entire self-worth crashes right down to the ground,
By one mild-mannered rejection, a snide comment or frown.​

It soon left me quite hollow, couldn’t have liked myself less,
How could finding some comfort possibly worsen this mess?​

But hand in hand with this issue - there's a darker reveal,
A vice with such danger, it barely seems real.​

PARTS THREE, FOUR AND FIVE TO FOLLOW...

Sean Penn directed a film about him. Numerous books have been dedicated to his memory. Article after article, in various magazines all over the country, have been written about him. Only 24 years old. Already a legendary figure. People either ridicule or call him a fool. Experienced hunters & alpinists claim he was ill prepared to survive alone in Alaska. Why do so many people think his story not worthy of all the attention.? Yet what's the fascination that Christopher McCandless aka Alexander Supertramp holds for so many others?. Such as myself.
I first read about this in the mid 90's. I can't speak for others but I can tell you what I find captivating about him: his death. I was disturbed to find out that this young man in the prime of his life so full of promise & conviction died in such desolation. Completely alone in an abandoned bus. He starved to death. I'll tell you his story in a brief synopsis.
Chris was born to a good middle class family. He was a star athlete in school. On the honour roll. Popular & extremely intelligent he chose a very unusual way of life apon graduation. His family gave him a trust fund of over 30,000 & all the oppourtunities to become successful. Instead he chose to completely drop out of regular society. Cut all ties with his family. Burn or give away his entire fortune. Change his name & became a vagabond. Traveling all over the US & canada to discover himself. That's not so unusual but chris was somewhat different in the sense that he wasn't afraid to live a solitary life. He dreamt of moving to Alaska. To live off the land, completely alone . To fend for himself, forage for his food, & brave the desolate, deep, wilds of cold & inhospitable wilderness


The Following excerpts are taken from Wikipidia

In April 1992, McCandless hitchhiked from Enderlin, North Dakota, to Fairbanks, Alaska. McCandless was last seen alive at the head of the Stampede Trail on April 28, 1992, by a local electrician named Jim Gallien. Gallien had given McCandless a ride from Fairbanks to the start of the rugged track just outside the small town of Healy. Gallien later said he had been seriously concerned about the safety of McCandless (who introduced himself as "Alex"), after noticing McCandless' light pack, minimal equipment, meager rations, and obvious lack of experience. Gallien said he'd had deep doubts about "Alex"'s ability to survive the harsh and unforgiving Alaskan bush.Gallien repeatedly tried to persuade McCandless to defer the trip, at one point offering to detour to Anchorage, and buy him suitable equipment and supplies. However, McCandless ignored Gallien's persistent warnings and refused his offers of assistance (though McCandless did accept a pair of Wellington boots, two sandwiches, and a packet of corn chips from Gallien). Gallien dropped McCandless off believing McCandless would head back towards the highway within a few days as hunger set in.

After hiking along the snow-covered Stampede Trail, McCandless came upon an abandoned bus (about 28 miles (45 km) west of Healy), alongside an overgrown section of the trail near Denali National Park, where he set up camp and attempted to live off the land. He had 4.5 kilograms (9.9 lb) of rice, a Remington semi-automatic rifle with 400 rounds of .22LR hollowpoint ammunition, a number of books, including one on local plant life, some personal effects, and a few items of camping equipment. Self-portrait photographs and journal entries indicate he foraged for edible plants and hunted game. McCandless hunted porcupines, squirrels, and birds, such as ptarmigans and Canada geese. On June 9, 1992, he stalked and shot a moose. However, the meat spoiled within days after McCandless failed to properly preserve it.


It has been speculated that McCandless may have been responsible for vandalizing several cabins in the area that were stocked with food, survival equipment, and emergency supplies. In response, Denali National Park Chief Ranger Ken Kehrer, has categorically stated that McCandless was not considered a viable suspect by the National Park Service.

McCandless' journal documents 113 days in the area. In July, after living in the bus for three months, he decided to head back to civilization, but the trail was blocked by the swollen Teklanika River; the watercourse by that stage was considerably higher and swifter than when he'd crossed in April. McCandless did not have a detailed topographical map of the region and was unaware of a hand-operated tramway that crossed the river eight-tenths of a mile away from where he had previously crossed. At this point, McCandless headed back to the bus and re-established his camp. He posted an S.O.S. note on the bus, which stated:

“ Attention Possible Visitors. S.O.S. I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out. I am all alone, this is no joke. In the name of God, please remain to save me. I am out collecting berries close by and shall return this evening. Thank you, Chris McCandless. August?"

DEATH

McCandless' final written journal entry, noted as "Day 107", simply read, "Beautiful Berries." The days 108 through 113 contained no words and were marked with only slashes.
On September 6, 1992, a hunter who was looking for shelter for the night came upon the converted bus McCandless had been staying in. Upon entering, he smelled what he thought was rotting food and discovered "a lump" in a sleeping bag. The hunter quickly radioed police, who arrived the following day. They found McCandless' decomposing body in the sleeping bag. He had died of starvation sometime in August.

LEGACY

The converted bus where McCandless lived and died has since become a well known destination for hikers. Known as "The Magic Bus", the 1946 International Harvester was abandoned by road workers in 1961 on the Stampede Trail where it remains today. A plaque in McCandless' memory is affixed to the interior.
McCandless' life became the subject of a number of articles, books, films and documentaries, which helped elevate his life to the status of modern myth. He became a romantic figure to some inspired by what they see as his free-spirited idealism, but to others a controversial misguided figure."The Magic Bus" has become a pilgrimage destination for trekkers who camp at the vehicle, some of whom have also gotten into difficulties due to the Teklanika River.

You know that's on my bucket list. But I don't call it that though....bucket list. You get what I mean; it's one of the places I wanna visit in my lifetime - along with the base of Mount Everest, Great Wall of China, The Amityville Horror House,Hong Kong, Niagra Falls,Aushwitz concentration camp in Poland, New York, Hollywood,South America, Palmyra Island,Highway Of Tears,Las Vegas,Paris,Annes secret annex in Holland,Rome, and where Joan of Arc was born or burnt at the stake.

My dream is too hit a giant power ball lottery where I can cash out like 150 million with cash all at once option. I would give my mom 15 million. My father 10 million. Then a million or so apiece to people who have been there for me through my addictions and mental health issues.

After that done I would devote my time to running a non profit organization. At the start it would be small me and a couple friends running a underground needle exchange here in Birmingham where its illegal. When you got 100 million to play with the law will look the other way if done right. As I figured out what the hell I was doing the non profit would branch out into serving meals, temporary housing, counseling ect. Man so much good could be done and that would make me feel so happy.


Shit I can dream right.

- This blog was referenced from (and inspired by) a series of documentaries on mind-altering substances, human anatomy, and the war on drugs.

- The titles of the documentaries in question are written below the blog's main body.

- I just want to apologize in advance for my obtuse grammar (but worth the read if you have time, at least I hope so)

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Everyone must understand, that as long as human beings continue to exist, there will always be a demand for mind-altering substances. And as such, there will always be someone desperate enough to attempt to supply these substances, regardless of the possible consequences including capital punishment.

Whoever you are, you can continue to attempt to stop these substances from being available for purchase, but you will never succeed. And I would hope that after a century of countless politicians and bureaucrats trying to do the exact same thing, others would realize that it is beyond futile to continue.

Therefore, if you cannot stop it from happening, and, trust history (if not myself) in that you seriously cannot, why not take it over and regulate it?

By doing this, ironically, you'd actually be saving lives instead of enabling addicts to further destroy themselves - at least in the long run, which is appropriate, as habitual drug use (addiction) is an extremely complicated issue which cannot be solved by the overwhelmingly popular 'quick-fixes' that tend to dominate so many political and bureaucratic responses to societal issues.

Do you really think it's so wrong for people to sell drugs if they aren't sanctioned by Big Brother? Regardless of how you may feel about this, you should know that drug use is actually part of what makes us human, which brings me to the following rhetorical question:

What is it about the pursuit of pleasure that compels us to risk our health - our lives even - in order to achieve it?

Well, without these pleasures that come with various activities in life, frankly, most of us would quickly become miserable, unmotivated, and a burden to society - or "dead weight" if you prefer.

A life without pleasures would quickly progress to a stagnant existence, which wouldn't feel like living at all.

Science tells us that, with any pleasurable activity in life, the brain begins releasing dopamine - even before it's begun - in anticipation of the upcoming experience (which results in a mild high).

This mild high manifests itself in various ways depending on the activity in question. As an example, the thought of eating cheesecake makes my mouth water, and the thought of going to a rave gives me butterflies in my stomach, where as, the thought of sleeping with a certain someone gets me sexually aroused.

Any pleasurable activity whatsoever will also carry with it a degree of risk. As a result, while the dopamine is being released in anticipation of the experience, the amygdala - the brain's primordial panic button - is also being pressed at the same time in response to the risk associated with the activity in question, with the intensity of this panic (or fear) varying depending on the activity.

As an example, this is precisely why a couple - who hours ago, met at a bar and decided that they want to have sex - will typically be wondering about whether their potential mate has a disease which can be transmitted through sexual intercourse. The fear, the pleasure, the potential risks - all these competing signals get processed into action.

And as each person's dopamine bombards their brain(s), their motivation for pleasure may overwrite their fear of the risks involved. If it was the other way around, the sex would be called off - meaning that the amygdala "pushed the panic button hard and fast enough" that it made them decide the risk ain't worth the possible pleasures in unprotected fucking if the consequences include possible life-long infection with a Sexually Transmitted Disease.

It is this motivation for pleasure which makes a human being inevitably decide whether to consume a mind-altering substance. And it is this motivation for pleasure which is highly susceptible to influences by feelings of despair, acute or chronic pain, hopelessness, suffering, oppression, racism, bullying, peer pressure, and so forth.

The problem with our pleasures in life is that, as with everything which we perceive as a unique experience, with each repetition, we become desensitized to whatever it is that makes it pleasurable. This desensitization varies in amount depending on the activity and experience.

In other words, when we look at what happens in the brain, we see that on repeated exposures to pleasures - whether it's food, drinks, sex, drugs, etc. - we've observed that the dopamine response gets a little bit less with each repetition.

So, each time we repeat a pleasurable activity, we get a little less "bang for the buck."

This leads thrill seekers to increase the risk in order to chase the pleasurable effects (or high) - whatever their thrill seeking may be (e.g. extreme sports, drugs, sex, etc.)

This is why, for drug users, (in simple terms) they eventually require more and more of the same substance in order to maintain the same level of euphoria or euphoric effects - alcohol included.

It has become evident that novelty is a really big jolt for the dopamine system.

And so, when we look at any activity which has a reputation for being a thrilling experience, the activity in question typically tends to be a mixture of pleasure + risk, which, believe it or not, has been shown to maximize the pleasure response.

And that mixture of (pleasure + risk) + (novelty factor - diminishing returns) is what provokes a maximized dopamine release, but also makes it addictive or habit forming.

In other words, by keeping things new and fresh (or different), it keeps the dopamine rush consistently high.

This applies to everything, not just drugs!

Experiment for yourself if you disagree.

Eventually, you'll find that your favorite type of food will make you gag if you eat enough of it, and, for a prolonged period of time.

Even with something as necessary to life as plain drinkable water, you will find that, eventually, you'd do anything to get your hands on a flavored beverage.

It doesn't stop with food though. The same sex position with your partner, or, the same porn over and over again eventually becomes less pleasurable as well - to the point where you cannot become sexually aroused enough to achieve orgasm.

Sadly, this may also be the reason why drug law enforcement organizations such as the DEA are defying their government's orders to stop going after marijuana in states which have legalized its medical usage.

Considering how defiant Michelle Leonhart has been towards Uncle Sam, it's hard to believe that they aren't addicted to the thrill of going after "bad guys" because some may be violent and/or armed. And once they do make a bust, their dopamine system kicks in as well.

A further motivation for their insubordination is most likely due to the law pertaining to seizure of property from such "bad guys" which they may perceive as their rightful (and sometimes very lucrative) plunder.

In any case, scientists believe that humans find danger-seeking pleasurable because it's been necessary to our evolution.

"If humans didn't take risks," they say, "we'd still be living in caves!"

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Assuming you had the time to read through that poorly proofread mess (for which I thank you), what's your opinion on the topic of pleasure-seeking being part of who we are?

And do you believe that the controlled substance-using minority of pleasure seekers deserve to be treated as equals with respect to consumers of tobacco/nicotine products and/or alcoholic beverages?

Notable Documentary Acknowledgements:
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- National Geographic Drugs Inc.
- Ecstasy Rising
- The House I Live In
- How to Make Money Selling Drugs
- History Channel - The Human Brain
- History Channel - The Human Body

Hiya everyone

Well today is day 4. Such a beautiful day. Blue sky, the air feels fresh. Ibstill feel tired. Had a coffee. Had my sertaline n my 1.6 mg subutex. I think we're going to go outside today will take lilvibe outbto park n get some vitamine D.

Feelings are setting in for the last 6 months n I know I have to make amends with family n loved ones for the things I did. I am kinda scared of doing that n not sure on how I go about doing it. I'm just going to take things one day at a time. Build my strength up n start writing again. Writing always helped me somehow.

Going to start helping others in the same boat as me. If we can motivate each other n hold each other up when one of us is falling, that be good. I've had some strange dreams lately. I won't be doing drugs again. Once I have got off subs Inwant to abstain from everything n properly recover from what I've done to myself. I will keep documenting my blog with the hope that it will helpmothers.

Oneards n upwards.

Love you, Bluelighters

Evey

With the new work of MAPS & other excellent research organizations, it's becoming clear that psychedelics/empathegens with the correct intent & therapy can not just treat "talk therapy" persistent depression/PTSD but lead to cures. My experience with psilocybin has been clearly such a case. Taking 1.5+ to 3 grams of dried Psilocybe shrooms I am shortly after they kick in, relief is complete.

Oh hi there it's been awhile.
Apparently I now only like blogging milestones huh?
I have loved my lovely swinger friends/best friends for awhile now and just kinda kept to myself bc I felt no mutual feelings existed. Wrong!
So stuff came to surface and well Kris does love me. OMG. I straight up asked him through text a few days prior to finding out and he would dance around the answer I was looking for...Me:Do you have feelings for me? Kris: I don't know, I mean yeah as a group thing yes.
He would never single me out, ever. As I didn't understand why bc I know he's not in love w my Husband, as they are both straight men. So that was frustrating.So anyways, I tell a friend about my situation and well she called it exactly like a play by play....She said yea when he gets you alone he is going to tell you to your face that he loves YOU. I thought meh, doubt it.

So another huge step in the whole 4 person relationship, Kris asks Patrick if he wanted to just hang w Keri alone (his wife) and me and Kris be alone hanging out and their would be no rules of any kind and it was going to be an overnight thing, so Patrick says sure. Which surprised me. So I am getting ready to leave to head to Kris' and I'm a bit nervous and the closer I get the worse it gets, but it really is a good kind of nervous. I pull in and get out, walk in the door.....Lay eyes on him, and just think , oh woah this is really happening, I was so happy to see him and he texted he missed me on the way to his house and he was wearing one of my favorite shirts, which didn't help my giddiness. And he kissed me first thing! OMG! At this point I am dying sooooo much. I sit down and my heart is racing, and a little later when the kids went to bed, we talk a little and start getting to all my questions and he was like I wanna tell you somethin, look at me. Better yet, straddle me. I did, and he fuckin said word for word...."I love you Sam." OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I'm so smitten at this point! It could not get any better, not at all. What a fuckin sweetheart! I'm grinning ear to ear! So we make up for what seems like such a short time, and then explained that we love each other in different ways than we do our spouses. We is awesome bc we are on the same page.Damn, I'm so fuckin complete now.

Fast forward, to the mind blowing sex! Not even the word for! We wrestle around in bed for a little bit and he forces my clothes off which I am super self conscious about my body, so I was a tad uncomfortable, he says he will make me cum first and then we can fuck after he pleasures me orally and might I add, I can hardly ever cum by being eaten out, but he puts that statement to shame, bc it didn't take long at all for that to happen! He is so gifted at eating my pussy. After I cum, he mentions oh wait I thought you couldn't cum that way? Probably helps that I am sooooo fuckin hot for him!
Then he wants to play a game w me. Which includes being tied to his fucking headboard and blindfolded, it was hard bc I hate my body and I was completely naked and I was not allowed to talk, and he really put me in my place by smacking the fuck outta me when I did... I got called a good girl.He was thrusting in me so hard and his rhythm was on point , then proceeds to fuck me in the ass, so fucking hard...at this point I've came 3 times, then forces me to ride him, which I am new at doing bc of my body issues and I have no rhythm it seems, but he changed that, I bounced off his rhythm to get me started, and his self control of him not cumming is amazing! I am making him moan while I am on top at this point, which is a super turn on , and I proceed to tell him to "fill me up" he has no condom on but yes I am on birth control, but app this is a the one no no per his wife bc I am a ripe 26 yr old. This dirty talk is driving us both nuts and I keep repeating to him to "fill me up" (I 've never made a guy cum while I am on top) so then after a good hour of fucking , he cums in me, while I am riding his hard cock. And WOW, the thought is in my head currently and turning me on now. Then you know what happens next? We cuddle OMG , my husband is not really a cuddler so this was a cherry on top....We lay in bed and talk for a bit, and then go in the living room and sit on the couch only to be naked again in about another hr....Mmmmmhmmmm, and fucks me in the ass some more and chokes me so hard w his shirt. God damn, take me back. I suck his dick for him to cum in my mouth, and I swallow it all, it's his favorite. We cuddle more and just have good conversation about a lot of things. I really enjoyed it so much and then he says you are going to sleep in my bed tonight young lady and I did, the whole damn night. So amazing, take me back, I loved it and I love him, and now he knows it. Its mutual and now this whole 4 way relationship can move forward, like I wanted it to , and about a yr ago I did not think it would.

I got Kris alone for one night. I was actually able to borrow him, and I never thought that would happen. Wishful thinking paid off. The night wasn't long enough. I want more. He said I plan on fucking you 3 or four times tonight Samantha, and get no sleep at all for work. Omg, that just fucking sounded so right! Take me back, I want you again, all to my fucking self, you fucking sexy man you! God damn, best sex of my life.
8 orgasms in one night, it's fucking possible!
Throbbing again just thinking about him tying me up again.
Fuck me Kris, fuck me again.

Was exhausted most of the day.

Had a protein shake.

Then 2 scones with nutella, a mocha n a pint of water.

Slept for awhile

Had a pizza not very healthy but no energy for the supermarket.

I didn't go to clay club but will start going next week when my energy has returned. Its a lot of energy typing on this phone.

I will get through this n then I can help others through n battle their addictions.

The monkey wont win.

Back to bed. More sleep

Love ye all

Evey

Well I have checked the last bag of 3-FPM away with no access to anymore... And on 7th June I go from 1.6 mg subutex to 1.2mg I want off this stuff now I want to be able to take my little one on holidays without worrying about getting enough subutex script or when to take it.. 3-FPM has been a mistake but at least I can help others now so there's a positive in every negative... People warned me against taking it and I never listened because I didn't feel in control and was rebelling against this... I realise that I did not really want Recovery when I went onto the Suboxone programme (under 2 mg they give you subutex/Buprenorphine which come in 0.4mg).

I want to become the person I was in 2012... I never could because I was never ready to seek recovery... I did all the various things; went to Recovery meetings, addiction places to meet others, forums... None of it worked because I did not want it.

Going on 3-FPM and it being MY decision to come off this rather than my loved ones makes ones. I feel in control so here's hoping this will work. I know my family loved me but when they check your mail and your drawers etc to see if your substances it's frustrating... That's what happened with opiates, it should have been MY decisions to come off.

The good thing is I'll have no way of accessing 3-FPM and WANT no way of accepting it! That's what they say isn't it????? Make it as difficult as possible to access your DOC, don't hang around with users, seek out like-minded people. I've tried helping others addicts but really what do I truly know??? I've related what I've learnt from others going through it but I've never properly recovered. Hopefully I can genuinely help people now. If I can help people with all I've been through then it's all been worth it. Hasn't it????

This 3-FPM I Have taken practically every day since I started in November n that's because that's what I do; when I fall for something I don't take it into moderation; I full on become; attached and addicted. I am an addict (for a lonnnnnng time I could not admit, I separate "me" from "them" and I still do struggle with it but time to accept the truth because it's just substances I've been addicted to but various other stuff as well, will leave that for another time...)

Been up all night because this will be the last time... I thought that stims would have me tidying up this place from top to bottom. They haven't it's the same as we before.

And it's time to put Lilvibe first. She deserves a lot better and that's what she's gna get... Holidays, trips out especially trips along the canal and horses pulling boats like the old days. I'm gna save up the money I would have spent on 3-FPM in another a/c for a holiday to the sea-side and a passport for LilVibe (they're like £80), but she deserves to go on holiday. For a long time I was scared of getting close to her for fearing as losing her.

When you first go on 3-FPM it makes you feel active, alive and serene---such an amazing feeling of serenity that makes you feel that all is right with the world, you want to cuddle everyone, be nice, say nice stuff.... but then there's other affects that are not nice... anything I did on it I did compulsively, more so than normal.... I was fiddling with my earings once and couldn't stop doing it for like EIGHT HOURS!.... When I posted on here was literally all the time at the exclusion of all else, it's really difficult to realise you're actually doing this because time was so fast.... Someone tried phoning me once at 9 pm I was busy sorting my CD system back into alphabetical order (was packed away for a year for when kitchen had been done), I text the person in what I thought was five minutes later to be told "I phoned you five hours ago it's now 2 am n you've woke me up..." ooooops... yeah I know I shoulda checked the time but it really did feel like five minutes had gone by, time was sooooo fast....

When my parents found out they asked "How long you been on this for?" to which I replied, "only a few weeks," they said "No you have not you've been on this since before Christmas..." I thought about it and yes I had but it had gone that fast that is how it felt. Of course they thought I was lying and to be honest I don't blame them because I had lied to them about my use. When you're an addict and addicted to a substance you lie like hell because you are petrified of losing what you are addicted to... This went against EVERYTHING I stand for because I'm extremely honest person and despise lies in others to me, I can usually spot people who lie to me a mile off and it fuels my paranoia which multiplied on 3-FPM....

The good thing about seeking Recovery is that I can now be honest because if anyone ever tried to use my addiction to hurt me I can honestly say "Yes, I was addicted to 3-FPM, Yes it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it, I should have listened, people were right in what they said when they warned me against using this RC"

I actually excited about this I want to start exercising again... I want to start eating healthily again. I want to help people with obesity issues as I once did n was training towards.... I went from £4,600 in savings to currently £8,000 in debt mostly due to addiction and partly due to trying to pay for a Masters (Weight Management) that I eventually dropped out and claimed a postgraduate qualification... It was difficult, extremely difficult. I struggled, failed a few modules due to depression and addiction issues (I should have taken time out but I didn't...) and anyone who's done a Masters in the UK, n failed a module knows it's like £100 to re-take that module. After working until 1 am most days and receiving a bad grade I knew that I had drop out. I do not like quitting so this was an extremely difficult decision for me but I felt such relief.... I feel that I've learned more about Nutrition from watching The Biggest Loser USA (love Jillian Michaels she's my IDOL, as well as Shaun T who does programmes for Beach Body,) n yes I know JM isn't on TBL USA no more lol but she's on my DVDs on TV so all's good...

I'll be doing exercise once I've over this comedown so plenty of milk, salmon, almonds, water, apples, bananas, keel, spinach, protein shakes I should hopefully be sorted within a week... It should be all about getting back my vitamins and hydration, oh and sleep (n plenty of it).... Damn your body knows when it's getting something good in it, I drank a pint of semi-skimmed milk yesterday and damn it was like my body was screaming "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme that now!" When I give my body something unhealthy I can feel my body rejecting it... Like with the 3-FPM, my body did not want it and tried rejecting it in ways I'd ignore....

It's mad knowing how that I am, or at least can be, in synch with the universe, if I really choose to be.... Two books I'm gna be re-reading; The Four Agreements and also The Power of Intention by Dr Wayne Dryer.

Right that's enough.... Time to log off but think I'm gna blog again... I want to document this journey so I have something I can look back on to try to help other people trying to recover from addiction.

Evey

Synchronicity was off the hook today. I performed my job as a Synchronizer of Lifewave Tunes. From the first step out the door to the first keystroke accounting it, was all One Big Happy Flow. Many connections were created, celebrated, unfolded, flip-flopped and wrapped up neat with a free cup of coffee on top.
I have so much more respect for MXM after today&#8217;s adventure (Short story: the gatekeeper decided today was the day to let out the MXM). If we compare all the different aryls (I&#8217;m just gonna call arylcyclohexylamines &#8216;aryls&#8217; for short from now on&#8230;.is that cool?) in the context of an audience rating not dissimilar from the MPAA movie rating system, MXM is like the &#8216;G&#8217; or &#8216;PG&#8217; rated aryl . Ketamine I think would also fall in the &#8216;PG&#8217; rating. MXE is more certainly &#8216;PG-13&#8217;: discretion is advised. The 3-Meo&#8217;s are &#8216;R&#8217; rated, for mature disso audiences only, because they can get to be scary for the kids/noobs. Catch my drift?

Anyway, back to MXM, a few words. I Love how this compound doesn't get in the way of the most organic flows, the way events unfold in this hyper-connected cloud-consciousness. Synchronicity is the Universe singing a song, and the realization that you are all at once the conductor of an orchestra, the player, the instrument, and a passive observer breathing it all in, in awe of the sweet rich harmony and sheer utter complexity greater than any one thing alone, coming together at a nexus point of reverent benevolent temporal-spatial resonance, the alignment of which is clear evidence of a higher power guiding us all, such that when we fall in line with it we are given as reward the rapturous brilliance of a singularity propagating in shimmering ripples of ephemeral memorial reflections of its source appearing as any number sacred geometries. And so it is I continue my walk in the sun light, synchronically stepping in time with the music blaring from my cell phone, serendipitously in key with the birds in the trees.

I stayed at the Bellevista for roughly 2 weeks. I only left my room to change currency and pay my running tab. I subsisted upon chips (french fries) and mayo, washed down with Kalamansiade, Kalamansi being the tiny citrus fruit that Filipinos use as a condiment. I did almost all the drugs i had brought with me from Thailand. Nothing helped. Nothing worked. I thought I was truly in love.

Ailyn arrived in Hong Kong and it took her a day or two to get online. She liked her job. She had friends in Hong Kong. I lived for our talks, so happy and so alone. Then I got a text from Israel that my brother Natan had died. I went to the airport, bought a ticket for America, direct to Victoria in British Columbia, with a switch for Kennedy in NYC. My brother lived in Brooklyn. I returned to the airport the next morning and left, bringing 5 boxes of Dihydrocodeinone and 2 boxes of valium.

Landing in Canada was so strange. They had dozens of workers who opened all our bags, went over piece by piece. Obviously there was an intel alert not released to the public. You would be suprised but airport personnel mever raise an eyebrow if you pack Rx drugs openly in carry on.

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]You know, I haven't read anything on Bluelight for yearssssss. I can't even tell you how many. IDK maybe 3...4? I'm so glad to see my profile still up thanks! I belong here. I'm one of everybody here! Watever that means...K..so...back in 2010..(I think..let me check my records..ahh!..later!) I spent a lot of time on here. Reading blogs, posts,articles...getting info,meeting peeps...Killing time. I used Bluelight to chart my progress as I tried to detox off heroin. So I'd write & think about my drug habits, my plan to quit. It helped me a lot!! I had so much fun on here. I'd relapse. Get high on my DOC..(drug of choice, in case theres a couple newbies reading dis!) Write on my blog..respond to my friends...& shit like that. I remember I went back & deleted a lot of my rantings. I regret doing that. Even if wat I posted was silly & embarrassing or useless. I regret it cuz I bet a few things I wrote must of had a nugget of truth or advice. And besides it was me at that point in my life. I was a lot younger. I was living in Europe.I was married. I was much more naive, more inexperienced, more trusting & more happy about life. I'd love to be able to read all that I had written. What a waste. Why did I delete it? I'm so f$*king self destructive. I know I kinda hate myself & don't have any faith or hope in myself. OK WAIT!..correction.::: I don't have that much faith or hope. I do have a little bit.(otherwise I wouldn't be here all excited)
I'm never gonna delete any of my posts, rantings, blogs on here ever again. No matter how stupid I think it reads. I also recommend to anybody who's reading this & has deleted sum of their writings, not to do it! Or if your thinking of doing it. DON'T DO IT! Leave it. It's you. You're worth it!
Yeah....so. I've returned. And I tell you, since I've been on the grid (online,on the internet) there's been few sites that have made any kind of serious influence on me OR have had a hand in the fate of my life. Bluelight is one of those places for me. I remember back in...2009?..2010?...I had only been a member here for around a week....when somebody on here sent me a message. I was living in Athens at the time. Yes, that's Athens, Greece btw..So this person sent me a message, we became fast friends..we started to chat & almost immediately we hooked up IRL(in real life) Just so happens that my new Bluelight friend.(who BTW was younger,cuter...sexier than me!!) just happened to be in Athens visiting family. He didn't know any...uhh....wat do u call?....locals..who could show him around. If u know wat I mean
Cut a long, and extremely hot & exciting story short, we met each other downtown Athens. I brought along my best GF Yoita. Tall, blonde, sexy...I met her in rehab. She had a car. Lady GAGA was big at the time. We drove around, listened to music, visited the gypsys, picked up, got high.........bonded. Hugged.Flew kites & left each other with warm fuzzy memories. I tell ya...what a rocking happy time I had. And,,,just to think....all thanks to Bluelight!
So yea...I did that on here. Kept up my journals. Continued to use & abuse the big H. Moved back to Canada. Seperated from my hard working, clean cut joe-of-a husband....& just stayed strung out, addicted, wired to my DOC's. Mainly H & Coke. At that time. You see back then one thing set me apart on here from other members. Not that I'm implying that everybody on here is addicted to drugs..and in particular crystal meth..(jib)..But I think I got the feeling that meth had/has a certain important part on Bluelight. I had never used meth. I didn't even want to. As far as addicts go....I'm about as hardcore as u get.(I'm not bragging.I'm a fcking loser) I've been using hard street drugs for years. Yet miraculously seemed to avoid getting hooked on meth. So time goes by. Now it's 2014. I'm hanging wif Terry. She was a pretty big deal in town. Married to a male stripper. Yours truly had a car, so I'd drive her around. We became close friends. And before you could say "SHARD!" I hung up my expensive coke habit & started sucking on the glass bubble pipe ...Next thing u know..I'm smashing it. Then I'm adding down to it....VOILA! Speed ball...Except this time it really is Speed! Not coke....Add two more years & we have 2016. I've been addicted for all this time. Saved heaps of money cuz jib is much cheaper than blow. Lasts longer, easier to get...not as hard on my mind & body. Haven't Od'd like I almost did on coke a few times. Better come down, not as addicting, I believe anyways. Ya know, on cocaine. I'd suck a golf ball through a garden hose just to get high. On coke, I'd sell my uncles prosthetic leg...HE NEEDS THAT FOR WORK!!..lol...I'm just kidding Point is: jib is no where near as dangerous & life ruining as H & cocaine can be(shudup I know the irony of that statement) Except for two things,.....my paranoia is immense & hilarious...Also I stay up for days, become so sleep deprived that I start to become irresponsible with my car. I ended up smashing it. I didn't get badly hurt or hurt anybody else. Thank Giod!...but..yea I fucked up really bad & lost my license...blah..blah blah...Oh also..I lost heaps of weight!! Never been thinner.
What I'm trying to say is: Now I'm mething around. In fact as I'm writing my first blog entry on here...been up for two days...(6 days was my longest)...I'm spun out!
..So thank you....thank you for making me feel at home. Accepting me back.
I forgot to read the forum rules again, so idk if I might have broken a rule or offended the admins. Won't be the first time. I once posted a pic of Dylan Klebold &..wats his face...you know..the columbine faggots...it was a death pic. It was removed, but I never got in trouble. You guys are not unreasonable. And besides we're all adults & this is a drug forum. As well as a forum to help drug addicts. That's wat I plan to do. That's how I hope to use Bluelight,. To recover from drugs once & for all....and help others. Above all...to help people who need it. People who've allowed drugs to colour their lives in horrible blackness....I tell ya...Number 1..I don't lie. And Number 2..I'm a volcano of experience dealing with my addiction for almost 20 years. Yes folks. My nick..Olympic Smoker. Is true. Sad but true.
LOVE YOU! BE BRAVE! HAVE FAITH!...& remember....we're all just residing temporarily on this earthy brown,green ball swirling through the mystery of space. What are we doing here? Why are we here? We're all going to die one day. But Dayum!! Life is a gosh darn miracle & as exciting & mysterious & fascinating as anything in the entire universe. PEACE!

All I want is your understanding.
As in the small light of affections,
"why is this my life?" is almost everybody's question

And I've tried, everything but suicide...
But it's crossed my mind.

I prefer peace.
Wouldn't have to have one worldly possession.
But essentially I'm an animal,
So just what do I do, with all the aggression?

Well I've tried, everything but suicide...
But it's crossed my mind.

Life is a one way street ain't it?
If you could paint it, I'd draw myself going in the right direction.
So I go all the way.
Like I really really know, but the truth is, I'm only guessing.

And I've tried, everything but suicide...
Ooh but it's crossed my mind. Just a thought.

It's even dark in the daytime.
It's not just good, it's great depression.
When I was lost I even found myself looking in the gun's direction.

And so I've tried, everything but suicide...
But yes, it's crossed my mind.

But I'm fine.

gnarles barkley- just a thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVE75VG90X0