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Today is day 17 on the program and my second day at 70mgs. So far so good. Had to breathe into the breathalyzer this am and of course passed it no problem. I really want to drink a beer to celebrate my new job, but I can wait until Saturday. So far 70 mgs seems good. I'm a bit more tired toward the middle of the day than I was on 60mg or lower but so far the cravings aren't back and that's what I was going for. Side effects are still sweating when I do housework, difficulty with sexual climax, and urine retention ( I think that's the right term for it...when you gotta go, but it's difficult to go) and now tiredness by early afternoon (I dose at 6:30am). I find that as long as I'm up and doing something I'm fine, but as soon as I sit down I become super tired, like I could nap really easily. But I know if I DO nap it'll be a pain in the ass to wake up (as in I'll be super grumpy when I have to get up because I just want to stay in dreamland). My counselor did tell me yesterday that I have 45 days to play around with my dosage and to find the 'sweet spot' so to say. I'm actually thinking about going back down to maybe 60/65mgs. I guess we'll see tomorrow when I'm at work!

Really the new job isn't all that great...back to food service. And not even a full restaurant! It's a weird breakfast/pizza restaurant. The place has only been opened for about six months so it's still new and it's in a weird industrialized part of town (not many homes there, just car shops and warehouses) with day hours-7am-7pm. Not want I wanted to do, AND not what was suppose to happen either. My boyfriend was suppose to have a job right now and I was going to keep focusing on my birth business trying to build it up and sign on more clients but he hasn't got a job and we're outta stuff (like tp for the house and smokes for us) AND my internet bill is two months overdue and they will shut if off come Monday if half of it isn't paid AND it's halfway through the month and we have nothing in our rent/energy jar AND holiday's are coming up. With two children, autumn and winter are busy, expensive months for us as a family. Especially since three out of the four of us have birthdays in winter.

I'm actually really upset that my boyfriend doesn't have a job yet. Like pissed off even. I let him back in my life and two months later I'm flat broke with no way to get household items that I need for the house, I have nothing in my spare cash fund for smokes or extras, my bills are late, and the kicker? He introduced me to heroin and I was hooked and bought US hundreds of dollars in heroin (hence all my money gone). While it WAS my choice to accept his offer to try it (and I ought not to have, really I ought to have known better considering my 10 year opiate habit) who introduces heroin to someone they LOVE? Especially someone who you know has a control problem with opiates. I take full responsibility for my addiction and my choice to use heroin though. I'm just venting right now, as I am really pissed off at my boyfriend right now.

He told me in August (or was it end of July) that he was getting unemployment and that he would start paying off the back child support he owed me. Well that never happened. I don't even know what happened to his claim. I honestly think that he never followed up on it. I tried to walk him though the process (since I collected UI in 2013 for a minute) but he didn't want my help and that was ok. I would have rather him figure it all out himself as I don't want to enable him any longer.

Then he told me he'd have a job by the end of the week one week in August (early August I believe) from one of those labor ready (temp agency) places...and here were are in October...this kinda shit has gone on since we got back together. Getting back together happened too quick now that have some sober time under my belt. To be honest, looking back, I think it was the heroin that fucked up my brain and my judgement. When I was high I felt overly loving and happy and I just moved too fast. I don't think that he'd be living here right now if I had never began smoking heroin. But he is, and now I have to deal with that. I made some really stupid decisions while chasing the dragon and now I have to deal with the repercussions of those decisions.

I really wanted to kick him out today. He's super depressed again. He said he's been having panic attacks and that he doesn't feel it's fair that I'm dumping all this stress on his back. But I am NOT just dumping it. I've been warning him for the past few weeks that this is where things were going. Tried to let him know that I'm getting really worried about money issues and that because of that worry and upset I'm pushing him away. When we first got back together we were very lovey dovey and I saw smiles on his face and in his eyes (and that was new to me...he never smiled before and his eyes were always dull and lifeless). I thought that this time would be different. That he'd finally found himself and his motivation and everything. But I was wrong. Without the H he was back to being depressed. Which is one of the reasons we decided on the MMT program, but even that's not helping his depression. It's depressing to me! I'm using this program as a chance to reprogram my mind and habits. I'm trying the best I can to rebuild my life. For myself AND for my children. I was always a highly functioning addict but my money was always tied up in drugs. I'm looking forward to working (although I wish it was more birth work) and being able to save extra money and spend it on things that AREN'T DRUGS!! YAY!

Well...shit, once again my entry is kind of all over the place. I have to end it here. Got to round up work shoes and what not for tomorrow. Maybe my boyfriend will surprise me with him getting a job too today as he finally went out to find work. Maybe...

Part 20 Am I a Gold Digger who is going to marry a rich French woman for the French equivalent of a Green Card and an easy life of luxory?

I like it here. It’s like living in Disneyland. I want to stay. To stay here, I must keep renewing my visa. I have a job which takes care of that for me. But the problem is that I’m burned out. I’m sick of working in a
hierarchical structure beneath people who have agendas and who are nearly always significantly less educated and obviously less intelligence. I don’t like ignorant people who have poor judgement, who lack the knowledge to make good decisions, and who lack the insight to know they lack the knowledge and telling me what to do.

I went into medical research field because I wanted to be part of something bigger and to help people. Trying to solve a disease in an academic setting is altruistic. I don’t mind that the pay is low. In fact, during the last two years, I made more money spending a few hours per year clicking “buy” or “sell” in my brokerage account than I have slaving in the lab 80 hours a week each year for an idiot boss. The work conditions (working for somebody who is both incompetent and micromanaging) stifle the ability to work. Medical research is no longer valued in any Western country, at least not by the people who control the funding. Society’s funding priorities have shifted maintaining the war in Eurasia.

With Bill Clinton’s wife sure to be in the Whitehouse, the fighting is guaranteed to escalate to the point of a full scale conflict. She makes the Bushes look like Pacifists. She voted to invade Iraq, and then she single-handedly talked Obama into conducting military operations in Libya and Syria. Even Bush’s warmongering former advisors admonished her not to go into those regions on the grounds that it was too unstable. The entire region is much worse than it was before she began her meddling. It must be emphasized that the destruction she unleashed in the Middle East only the beginning of her scheme. It is her grand ambition to entrench the neoliberal New World Order of Reagan and George Bush the Elder into the region. She is working against her own old age. She knows she does not have many years left during which she will have the energy to act. That has made her impulsive and grandiose. My prediction is that after the region melts down into Gulf War 3, the economy will collapse so badly that the last eight years of economic malaise will look like the Good Old Days. While the rest of us suffer, she, her family, and her co-conspirators will profit immensely.

Not only is her politics degenerate, but her character is so low that she has launched a campaign to viciously attack and discredit the women her husband raped, groped, sexually harassed, and exploited.

I’m finished with America, and I never want to go back, not even to visit. I don’t have any friends or family there. My property in storage is just stuff. Most of it can be replaced. Even the things that are valuable like my sack of money, gold and jewels, artwork I have collected, high end bicycles and classic motorcycles, and irreplaceable things like the few childhood photos and souvenirs that exist, I can’t take them with me when I die.

My two cats were all I really wanted to bring here, but my last American girlfriend who said she loved them and promised to care for them locked them out of her flat and made them have to try to survive on the the streets of San Francisco. They got hit by cars. So fsck it.

In the US, marrying for a Green Card is a cottage industry. An American offers to marry a foreigner who wants to live in America for a fee.

Also in the US possibly the majority of women want to marry a millionaire. They write how-to books, produce TV shows, and make websites that offer to make the Gold Digger’s dream come true. These women will go to extremes and humiliate themselves if they think it will secure them a wedding ring. Whether or not the admit it, for these women, marriage is a form of prostitution, and they are the greedy whores. I despise Gold Diggers, and sometimes I hate hypocrites more than I hate Gold Diggers.

A solution fell into my lap. I have been seeing a French girl seriously for the last two months. She knows about my work and visa situation. She offered to marry me. She said I could quit my job and stay home and write.

She’s pretty, educated, kind, and rich. We share a lot of interests. I’m looking for a long term relationship and so is she. No big problems have come up. We haven’t tried living together yet to find out for sure. She says she’s in love with me. I love her, and it is about as intense as you can love somebody you have only known for two months. I told her I would think about it. What could possibly go wrong? I don’t know, but why would somebody make such an offer? Since when does an unobtainable rich Parisien woman propose marriage to a poor foreigner? It sounds too good to be true.

Today marks a year since I was lying on the bathroom floor after I overdosed on heroin, vodka, and xanax. I had thrown up blood and lost touch of reality. All I remember is everything blurring and I could barely breath. I just wanted it all to end, but at the same time I didn't want to die. I was so scared and then I blacked out as the girl in the other room nodded off. She enjoyed her high as I held on for dear life in her bathroom, alone and afraid. However, somehow I eventually came back to reality and pulled myself off her bathroom floor on my hands and knees. I still don't know how I managed to get up off that bathroom floor because honestly I shouldn't have been able to, but by the grace of God I managed to. I still lack the faith I should, but that night there had to have been someone of higher power watching out for me. I should have died, but I didn't.

A year ago, that same night my very good friend who took the same concoction died. I don't want to go through all the details because trust me I re-live it everyday. The liquid that came out of him still feels as if it remains on my hands and the sound of his dying breaths still can be heard. I try and try to shake it, but I can't. That experience was one of the worst situations that I have ever been through. The thoughts of if I wasn't so fucked up would he still be alive… repeats in my head all the time. I still can't graps the fact that he died and I didn't. He had a life going for him and three kids. I didn't. I was suicidal as fuck at that time and was being self destructive. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I didn't want to make it to 21. Yet, I still am here and he isn't. I know it's not my fault, but then again, I don't know at the same time. I wish I did, but I can't let that night plague my life or memories of him. All the good memories we've shared will forever remain in my heart. He was/is such an amazing person with an anazing heart. Rest in peace

A year later today, I am somehow now at a better place. I will never forget that night and yes, I am still going through it; however, I have to keep going. It took me months to realize it and months of continuing to be strungout on dope. I kept using to numb the pain of what I believed to be a pathetic life. Then one day everything changed. I realized I couldn't keep going this way and so I had to do things differently. I didn't plan it. It just came to me that this would be the day I would stop. This would be the day I would stop being self destructive and filled with self hatred. It was literally the morning before my 21st birthday. It was so strange because for once I felt as if things were going to become better. I don't know why, but I just did. I even started to feel happy for once. It was crazy and I was even scared. It was so long since I've experienced this emotion and simply by just waking up. I thought at times this can't be true… it was going to go away… this was all a mere tease and my happiness would fade. Thankfully I finally told myself that it wasn't and I had to believe that good things were possible.

So ever since that day in September I have been clean from heroin and I am doing so well. I have a lot to still do, but I can proudly say I've accomplished a lot so far too. I feel like a person again. I feel as if I have a soul for once. I really can't explain how I feel exactly, but I feel amazing. I wish my friend was here to experience this with me. I wish he was just here period. Sadly, I can't change the fact that he died, but I can move forward knowing in time that things will be alright. I don't want his death to be in vain and trust me I've learned a lot from it. I will never take life for granted again. Life is too beautiful. Yes, I still feel down sometimes, but I don't stay down anymore. I find ways to bring myself up and my friends as well as my family help me with open arms. I am grateful for you guys. I am grateful for this second chance at life.

I'm going post some stream of consciousness entries. I write them uninterrupted and don't edit them except for the worst of the spelling errors.

The faubourg Saint-Germain was green and lush. Plane trees shaded the streets. Lavender, fragrant in the heat, was blooming in courtyard gardens and window pots all around the neighborhood. The smell permeated the streets.

The faubourg Saint-Germain is one of the most chic neighborhoods in Paris. It has some of the most quintessentially Parisian buildings, is full of houses of dead poets and artists, has some of the most well-known museums, and has some terrific restaurants.

The streets were relatively quiet today. A lot of people were abroad for the summer holiday. Still, some people were throwing parties. Tonight’s party was near the Quai de Voltaire at a restaurant that had been privatized. This restaurant has a covered courtyard garden with a second level of tables on the mezzanine.


find a photo that shows courtyard

I arrived early. I sit in a dark corner for a while before it got crowded and I had to start talking to people. I found a table half hidden under a potted tree. I work full time at a lab and don’t get much time to write. I got in a full hour of writing before I had to speak to anybody other than the host.

My author friend Benoit arrived, and a waiter brought us wine. Benoit introduced me to a French girl, Laetitia. I was surprised. In the past, he has only introduced me to non-European women. Like me, he avoids women of western European ancestry on account of their reputation for being superficial and false. I find MIddle Eastern, Asian, and African women to be easier to approach and relate to, and they more often make loyal friends. Laetitia is blond, blue, tall, thin, and sportive. I was reluctant to talk to her. Had he not introduced her and vouched for her, I would have avoided speaking to her and never even made eye contact with her. Like most French girls, she was elegant, dressed nicely, graceful, educated, and cultured.

French women and in particular Parisian women are feminine and are comfortable being feminine. Those qualities are all things I like but are increasingly hard to find in America. My generation of American women dress, talk, and act like the female version of Beavis and Butthead. It’s okay if some people like that, but it’s not my thing.

I have tried hard to learn to screen the rotten girls from the good. For me, it’s a matter of life and death. I’ve put my complete trust in some stinkers. I gave an example about how I almost died before I learned to screen them when I wrote about the Millennium Slut. I've tried to find a girlfriend , a keeper, and have learned to be picky about who they are; . she has to be highly educated or have talents. I never thought about it before, but most of the girls I have gone out with in France are wealthy. I’m a poor foreigner, and here, there is not such a big class barrier in meeting women. Contrary to the US, in Europe, wealth, meaning OLD money, appears to correlate with education, intelligence, and good taste. In the US, I have found a negative correlation with the same thing but a positive correlation with a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy. As for morals, any American trailer park or ghetto has a higher proportion of people with better character than the American upper caste.

Most people don’t know this because the upper caste has become self-isolating. The American upper caste has built its walls to keep out the riffraff. The walls are in the form of the high cost of accessing their hangouts. They don’t want the rest of us to see them close up. The times they are among the non-rich, they are condescending and treat the rest of us like trash. The American upper caste is exemplified by people like Donald Trump, the Bushes, Kardassians, and the Clintons. To be fair, I met some wealthy American expats here who are not like that. Some explain that they relocate here to get away from that mindset.

Maybe it is not just the rich. Most American Women of all castes treat me like trash. My last American girlfriend was from a poor family, and she had the bad taste to go with it. Worse, she was unwilling or unable to see her many stigmata and make improvements. She stopped working on herself after college.

I’ll rant about three of her stigmata. She did not have a moral or political problem with shopping at Walmart. I do.


random non-gross photo of walmart from internet


Despite the fact that I grew up white trash, I had never set foot in a Walmart until I met her. I began reading at a young age and was horrified at Walmart’s dirty secrets. My parents didn’t know and didn’t care when I told them how unethical Walmart was. As if chinese slave labor that made it’s consumer goods isn’t appalling enough, and if the fact that it drove thousands of small local businesses into bankruptcy, the fact that many things that comes from Walmart break the first time you use it should scare away anybody with common sense. But Aelyssa always had an excuse to go to Walmart. I’d rather pay twice as much, go hungry, go without whatever they sold cheaply, and ride my bike 10 miles in the rain than get it at Walmart. The highlight of my parents’ life was watching TV. I had never owned a TV until met her.

I’m allergic to a few kinds of food. Pork is one of them, but that didn’t stop my parents from trying to make me eat it every day. Pork was one of my parents’ favorite foods. Ironically, my father was a Jew, but like most poor people in America, he loved pork. And like many uneducated people in America, he did not believe in allergies. He even cooked it himself - my mother had a mental illness and almost never cooked. They usually ate it three times a day. it started in the morning with a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and fried pig brains. What began as a fat piece of raw bacon looked like a burnt stick when he was done cooking it. It was always charred all the way through. While it cooked, it emitted heavy clouds of smoke and often caught fire. The kitchen did not have an exhaust fan and the windows did not open. The smoke would get so thick that it burned my eyes, and I could not breath. The smoke was oily, and it would get in my clothes. On school days, I would go around all day smelling like rancid grease. If poverty has a smell, that would be it. Afternoons for my parents were often barbecued pork ribs or a ham sandwich. Salted and cured ham was popular with him. He snacked on chitlins and pork rinds. Suppers, when he cooked, were often pork chops, pigs feet, or ham.

I never liked pork, but when I turned 10 or so, I could no longer even force myself to eat it. Whenever I tried, it made me violently sick and gave me a rash. Still, they always scolded me for not eating it. My parents didn’t believe in allergies and called me a sissy. They said I was pretending to be sick for attention. Allergies were invented by “greedy doctors,” my parents’ term for the medical establishment.

I had mostly been able to avoid it and not eaten a pork chop since I was 10. An exception was when I met my last American girlfriend Aelyssa. Once, she guilted me into eating it despite the fact that I had told her several times recently before that I was allergic to pork. I came home from work one night and found the dining room table laid out for a fancy dinner. There were candles, and it was set with a full meal and cocktails. There several dishes including vegetables, homemade bread, cakes, pudding, and meat. I thought it was a steak. I was happy to see a steak. I had been hinting that I would like to grill some steak. I was impressed and took a photo.




She explained that her father said he knows that a woman is a good cook if she can cook a pork chop correctly. Then she is someone to marry. Her father is Archie Bunker, and sadly, whatever that old fool says is golden to her. That’s when I realized it was a pork chop.

It was obvious she had spent the whole day cooking. It was my birthday which I had not told her about. It was also the first time she prepared an elaborate meal. I wanted to be grateful. I did not remind her for what would have been the 10th time that I cannot eat pork without risking death. There was some medicine in the bathroom that which should prevent a reaction if I took it in time. I thought I would be safe. I ate it and told her what a good cook she was.

Around 3AM, I was jolted into consciousness when I crashed to the floor. I was writhing on the floor next to the bed, my lungs full of vomit. I tried to gasp and my lungs made a raspy, choking sound. I thrashed around and crawled to the wall where I tried to claw a hole through the small window where it met the second story roof and the floor. I didn’t know where I was or what was happening, but I knew I might die. I had been in a dead sleep, and when my oxygen-starved brain realized what was happening, I tried to perform the Heimlich Manouevre on myself. I broke a lamp and knocked over some other furniture.

The lights flashed on. My gf was standing behind me screaming, “ Are you drunk! Are you on drugs! What is your problem! Get back to bed!“ I had never seen her that mad before.

I eventually coughed some of it out and got out enough fluid from my lungs that I could breath again. I vomited out chunks of undigested pork chop. I looked at my hands. My skin was blue all the way up to my shoulders. I realized she would have let me die.

I had puked in my sleep and choked on it. That’s how drunks die. I only had one glass of wine and no drugs that night. When I got back from washing out my mouth in the bathroom, she scolded me for wasting a perfectly good meal and making a mess in the room. She didn’t believe in allergies either.

The last month has been pretty damn rough for me. I picked up an addiction to benzos at the end of August and it gradually got worse until things came to a head. I wrecked my car into a guardrail while pretty high on coke and some RC benzo. It didn't do terminal damage and I was able to keep driving home so I didn't get arrested but my family was pissed so in all my benzo'd out wisdom I told them what was going on with my dependence. The next day they made me go to the emergency room where I was admitted to detox off benzos.

It was a pretty miserable experience even though I had a private room and the worlds fastest Ativan taper. The hospital kept pushing me to go into there month long inpatient rehab program which would have forced me to quit methadone maintenance without so much as a taper. I knew it was a horrible idea but trying to fight off aggressive sales people in the midst of having your mind bent by withdrawals was a difficult experience. They kept telling my mom methadone maintenance was the same thing as being a heroin addict and all that 12 step propaganda. To her credit she stood strong for the most part as she has seen how much maintenance has improved my life over the last year. In the end they lied and said I could do outpatient treatment and stay on methadone. When I got out I found that was totally untrue I would still be required to quit methadone.

The whole experience reinforced my belief that most all drug rehabs are completely out of touch with reality. I wonder how many people are convinced to get off maintenance get there money taken then sent home to relapse and die after 30 days. Hell I still would have been dope sick after 30 days. The whole idea was insanity. There is a reason opioid relapse rates are above 90 percent. Rehab programs are unequipped to deal with the unique problems of patients like me.

The whole experience has further motivated me too pursue activism in an aggressive manner on behalf of all maintenance patients. If I ever get my shit together enough to finish my degree I am going to open a halfway house and outpatient rehab program that accepts maintenance patients. Not only is the service desperately needed I feel there is money to be made. I always say I have no problem with the 12 steps but I cant help but feel like its influence has had a negative effect on the quality of drug treatment in this country.

I am still hurting from the benzo withdrawal but I am hanging tough even though I had a slip up 2 days ago. I am really hoping that I feel better sooner rather then later but from what I have read its going to be a long recovery.

I went up to 70mgs today and I'm really hoping that I found my sweet spot, so to speak! I'm feeling really good today but really I'll know in another day or two as normally after a dose increase I've been good for about two-three days before I start craving again. Like I said, I'm really hoping 70mgs holds me. My boyfriend doesn't know I'm up this high. He's on 40mg and he started the program about a week before I did. A part of me doesn't really want him to know because I think he'll give me crap about it (we both talked about staying as low as possible) but I really don't want to want to use anymore and I think he just wants to not be sick and still have the ability to get high on top of his dose. I'm not sure. We're both at different places in our recovery.

Oh, so I wrote the other day about my failed UA for alcohol and I thought everything was peachy since I talked with my counselor yesterday before I dosed but when I asked to increase this morning I was told I had to wait while they talked to my counselor. I guess they are just as strict with alcohol as they are with benzos at my clinic because I have to blow a breathalyzer every morning before I dose for 60 days and if I fail just once I'll be tapered back down to 60mg. I'm kinda pissed off by that because I really like going out to my bar once in a while after work on Mondays and I enjoy a few drinks some nights! It's not like I'm drinking like a fish or anything. But really why I'm upset about it is because when I went through induction I wasn't told this policy. My counselor stressed benzos to the max and that was fine with me because I don't abuse benzos. They are great for when I have panic attacks or when I need to abort a trip, but I RARELY use them. I think I've taken one Xanax in all of 2016. My patient handbook also doesn't say that about alcohol like it does benzos. Shit so now the only night I can drink is Saturday nights because the clinic is closed on Sunday (automatic takehome!). I'm trying to not let it effect me too much, but again occasionally if I'm craving (but not having w/d) I'll grab a tall boy of PBR and a shooter of whiskey and that'll help, but now I can't even do that at night because I don't want to fail my breathalyzer. But I don't want to go up either. I have read that as you go up, so do the unwanted side effects. Right now the major pain in the ass side effect I'm dealing with is sweating! Ugh the littlest physical exertion causes me to sweat like a pig and in turn makes me break out! I haven't EVER had acne like this, not even in puberty/high school. That and not being able to orgasm...that one is a bitch! I get horny like crazy horny, but I just can't climax and it's super frustrating.

Well, that's all I got for today. I'm sure I could write a ton more, but I have shit I gotta do instead of just sit at the computer all day. Finally finished both Methadone mega threads...finally. Shit that took FOREVER! But I did it, and now I feel like I can post in V2.0 now. Until tomorrow

I had to talk to my counselor today before I was allowed to dose. Last Tuesday morning I had to pee in a cup (at least I'm not watched!) and failed for alcohol that I drank last Monday after work. Got the lecture about how alcohol and benzos are big no no's at the clinic and how I could die if I mixed methadone and alcohol and all that jazz. Ugh...I don't know how I feel about not being able to drink...at all! I mean, at night, when the cravings get real bad, I would like to be able to reach for a beer and a shot to help. At least I can smoke pot and it not effect my take homes (when I get them)

I'm still trying to decide if I want to go up to 70mg. A part of me does because I'm still thinking about using a large part of the day. I'm not sure if I want to go up to 70mg because I know I'll get that warm glow again OR if it's because at 70mg my tolerance is raised so high that taking oxy wouldn't do jack shit. Or if it's a mix of both... I just don't know.

I had two take homes this last weekend because a) my clinic is closed on Sunday on the regs, and b) Monday was Columbus Day and my clinic closed for that. Weird because my boyfriend's clinic wasn't closed yesterday. A bunch of different thoughts ran through my mind about what to do with my take homes. I contemplated taking an extra 10 or so mgs with my Sunday dose, hoping to get high a bit. I contemplated taking less on Sunday and take more on Monday, hoping to get a high a bit. I thought about not taking my take home dose at all on Sunday and keeping it locked away as an emergency dose (I work as a labor doula and if I were to get called at say 3am to a birth and that birth lasted until 3pm the next day I'd be screwed on dosing that day, so having that emergency take home squirreled away seems like a really good idea). I figured that I could either just skip dosing altogether OR I could take a bunch of oxy and save my take home. However, I didn't do any of that and just took my take homes like I'm suppose to. I figured that if I did anything other than take my doses the way I'm suppose to I would fuck up the tiny bit of energy or glow that I am getting at 60mg and would definitely have to go up to 70mg and then I'd feel super guilty as well. I don't want to fuck around with the methadone. The reason I got on the program to begin with was because I was tired of my drug seeking behavior and the cycle of addiction...the ups and downs, etc. etc. etc..

I battle the urge to get high each day. And each day I don't get high is a victory and a step closer to reprogramming my brain and one day breaking free of the cycle of addiction. I've thought about Ibogaine many times as well...I've heard/read that Ibogaine can completely wash away the want to get high. I am worried that even if I get clean and don't use, in my head there will always live the urge to get high...the desire will never go away.

Today went mostly well, until the end of the day. Toward the end of the afternoon I start to get restless, cold/hot sweats, anxiety and a giant craving to use. Maybe it's just because I have 110 perky C's sitting in my cabinet just calling out to me. On top of all those symptoms my boyfriend and I aren't as connected as we would both like to be (I'll probably dive into that in a future post) so that's causing major issues and my daughter's ratties are either fighting each other for dominance of the cage OR they have mites (which is going to either take money or time or both): trigger...shit, who am I kidding? Right now I'm still looking for an excuse to use. I don't want to be. I fought it hard lately. I really really really don't want to want to use. Ugh I was talking with my boyfriend the last couple days about my cravings as I've been trying to be completely honest with him (and he was suppose to be doing the same). Well all of a sudden he asked to get the keys because he had a few errands to run. I was surprised by this because the only thing we needed was salad. I was hoping that maybe he was going to get me a beer and a shot or something to help me get over the cravings. I kept asking him where he was going and as he was walking out the door he finally told me he was going to his guy's house. I told him no. I said don't spend money on H (we're pretty fucking broke and I thought we were completely broke). He said he wasn't going to spend money. When asked why he said that he replied "well you were saying that you were thinking of taking your pills so I figured I'd just pick something up". I broke down and said well, ok, do what you want. He ended up not going and I ended up breaking down and using. Ugh...I think I might have to go up tomorrow.

I don't necessarily want to be on 70mg but then again if I'm up there maybe it will jack my tolerance up so high that I won't be able to feel oxy. And I see now that I can't rely on my boyfriend to really be a rock when I'm toeing the line. Maybe 70 mg will be my sweet spot. I was almost there. I fought the cravings for a long time *for me*. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I won't use. I don't want to.

i want to thank my higher power for being able to make it this long in my recovery.

hey, my names drew and i am an alcoholic.

i belong to 2 home groups, (dark side of the spoon, and friday night fights)
i also belong to a mens only ymca support group.

Just want to let my friends on bluelight know that I am alive and well.

I'm currently in a long-term treatment program, and wont be graduating it anytime soon.

love you all,

drew

Today marks exactly two weeks since I started the mmt program. It wasn't a decision made lightly. I had mulled over getting on methadone many times over the last few years but with Kratom being banned any day now, and blowing through hundreds of dollars in less than a month chasing the dragon I figured it was time. I am tired of being broke, and if/when I get money I'm tired of spending it on dope-on something that goes up in smoke. I want to be able to spend the money on my children. On hobbies. On household items like toilet paper and dish soap when I run out. I'm tired of being sick and tired all the time. Of going on binges and then needing at least a week to stabilize on kratom again. I'm tired of worrying that each dose of oxy I take may be my last due to liver failure.

Both my boyfriend and I decided to get on methadone as we both have a decade or more of opiate use under our belts. Mine began in 2006 and his began when he was 15 (maybe younger), and the ups and downs of opiate addiction could have had a major strain on our broken relationship. We've been together almost 11 years and I can't remember a time when we weren't using. There were times when we weren't physically dependent and only "chipping" but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that we've been dancing and battling addiction for a long time.

So...methadone. Liquid handcuffs. The juice. My first real opiate about a decade ago. I tried 30mgs just to see why my boyfriend took it every day. And I was non-tolerant at that time. And I spent over two days sick to my stomach, vomiting anytime I moved or put anything into my tummy. And I didn't learn. And now here I am, ten years later, on a dose of 60mg/day waiting to stabilize on it.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. One on hand I feel great about it. I am getting up every day at 6am to go to the clinic and dose and then back just in time for the girls to wake up. At first I was biking to the clinic, which is about a mile or so away, but then my bike needed fixing to I began taking the bus to the clinic. Still waking up at 6am to head out the door by 6:15am, catch the bus at 6:21, dose by 6:30ish and then catch the bus back and walk in the door by 7am when my girls wake up. Now I'm using my boyfriend's car to dive to the clinic, still trying to set my alarm to wake early and I can't wait to get my bike back to start biking again. I enjoy biking to the clinic because it gets me up early in the morning and it wakes me up! Gets endorphins pumping through my system and helps me shake off the methadone sleepiness. With any opiate (and methadone especially due to it's long half life) it's so easy to fall back into a deep sleep. If I had my doses at home already (like when I was using my oxy) it was so difficult to get my ass outta bed in the morning and my mornings would SUCK! And that made me depressed because I have two young children, 8.5 and 2.5 and I really wanted to be the kind of mom who was up and showered and ready for the day to begin before they were up. I wanted them to wake up to me already being up and awake and happy, unlike my mom. Growing up my mother was an alcoholic and many mornings were spent just my sister and me alone, with me tending to my sister.

Another reason I want to start biking to the clinic again every morning once my bike is fixed (instead of driving the car) is because eventually I know that I will get take homes, and even further down the road I will have to start tapering off methadone (some day...maybe waaaaaay down the line or maybe sooner than later...I really don't know right now) and the habit of going to the clinic every morning is going to be an addiction all in itself. So by biking to the clinic every day I'm creating a routine of getting out of the house and exercising every morning. When I start getting take homes I plan on continuing to get up early and hoping on my bike. I don't want my only routine in the am is driving to the clinic because when that goes away I'll be screwed again and I think it'd be extra hard to get off the 'done when the time is right.

Where was I...oh yes...pro's of mmt. A stable dose of opiates in my system means that I won't be constantly up and down in my emotions and I won't have days at a time where I'm really down and unmotivated because I am in w/d or recovering from it. It's also really helping me curb cravings...not 100% YET, but better than kratom ever did! I've had 120 Percocet's in my possession for four days now. Before mmt I would probably only have half of the script left right now, but I still have 110 left! I broke down the first day I picked up my script and took ten of them, and then felt VERY guilty for it, which in turn wrecked havoc on my attitude. I have had some pretty major cravings and Saturday I asked to go up from 55mg to 65mg because of my cravings, but I was told that I had to wait and talk to my counselor before they upped me. I guess my UA came up dirty for alcohol and that's a big no no at the clinic. Now I knew that benzos and methadone were a big no no and if I ever came up dirty for benzos that I wouldn't be allowed to go over 60mg, but I didn't know that alcohol would do the same. My counselor wasn't there because it was a Saturday but they allowed me to go up 5mg to 60mg because they didn't want me to use since I was having really bad cravings. Two weeks ago when I started the program I was started at 30mg. The 30mg was ok, but didn't relieve everything so the next day I asked to go up 5mg. The dosing nurse recommended me go up 10mg, but at that time I was still hellbent on trying to stay at the lowest dose possible so I didn't get all the nasty side effects that come with higher doses AND I know what a bitch methadone is to come off of, so I thought a lower dose would be best.

I stayed at 35mg for a day or two before I asked to go up to 45mg. I was really surprised at how good I felt! I was super productive. My mind wasn't on getting high all the time. I was able to be present with my children and I didn't just "get through the day" like I have been for years. I was enjoying being alive again. It was nice. I've been reading through any and all threads, including the mega threads on methadone here on bluelight so I could be knowledgeable about the program. I keep reading that when you hit your dose, you'll know it. I'm not sure what that means. I don't want to chase the high from methadone, but what I do want to be content with it. I guess I'm not understanding what it is that makes a certain dose the right dose for someone. Is it a part of the makeup of methadone that takes the cravings away, or is it the slight glow you get from it at a certain dose? Does that glow stay with you for as long as your on methadone? Or does it go away?

Well, I think I've officially lost my train of thought here. I do tend to have that problem when writing...I have an outline in my head but when I start writing I end up on tangents and then the flow of my writing gets all wacky. Oh well. It's not like I'm writing for anyone other than myself and my own progress. If anyone wants to comment they can, but this is my way to document my road to recovery...or something like that lol. I'm going to try and write something each day. It's one of my goals that I'm setting for myself. There are so many things I want to accomplish every day and in the long run. I decided that since I took the plunge with methadone maintenance I might as well take this opportunity to break old habits and forge the way for new, healthy ones!

I got fanart for one of my fanfiction stories that I wrote and it's pretty amazing fanart and I'm showing it to anyone who wants to see it!

I'm warning you, though, it's pretty bloody and just plain creepy, so I'm putting it behind NSFW tags. It depicts the last scene of one of my stories.

Ahh, what a relaxing day was today... well, it wasn't the most relaxing day of my life at all, but after being in withdrawal from Benzodiazepines for some days, finally yesterday I could I get a nice amount of Lorazepam, together with a tiny bit (and I mean, something like 10mg, very tiny) of Risperidone, helped me to get a good night of sleep. Something priceless for me. So yes, even at the morning of today when I had to wake up from bed because of my backpain, I didn't feel like killing myself like in previous mornings. That wasn't unpleasant.

I went to buy some groceries, and ended up eating 4 whole small chicken burgers by myself; after that, I even had some chocolate cookies. Geez, that happens when you haven't eaten for one or two days, you can't restrain yourself. Anyway, thanks to the big meal and some Lorazepam, I could get like 3.5 hours of sleep between 1am and 4am.

When I woke up I felt the load of the food still in my stomach, so I went to my favourite pharmacy, which is like 20 squares from where I live. As I walked under the grey skies, I was thinking if getting an upper or a downer. I'm more of a downer person, always been, in all sense, specially when it comes to drugs, but the best I could thought was Tramadol, and honestly, I didn't want to buy -again- it; iit was too late to enjoy it... also, I didn't have enough money to buy Pregabalin, my usual second option. So, given I had the option to choose, I didn't doubt anymore and choose SOMA, or Carisoprodol.
I have done Carisoprodol (SOMA is shorter) for quite a while, and I often get different experiences, I feel like writing and nostalgic (like I do now), sometimes the SOMA euphoria gets triggered, and very few times I get depressive because of how disphoric (is that a word?) it is.
There is something that should be obviously constant: any kind of backpain is gone. Even Pregabalin and Tramadol together often doesn't work for this.

So, as soon as I got home, I literally chugged 3 350mg SOMA pills, an Aspirin with grapejuice, and a tiny bit of Lorazepam. After calming down a bit, I made a big cup of delicious green tea (gotta love that L-Theanine). And then I proceeded to write this, while listen to a remix of Dido.

Before ending this post, and going to browse some other sites or watch some relaxing anime, I just want to throw here that even at this moment, when my life is filled with hundreds of important problems (like getting evicted), I still feel that if I were to kill myself, I would do it with SOMA while at the same time jumping from the roof of the building. Now that the effect of the 1gram I taken has half kicked in, I can tell.. I shouldn't feel sad the way I choose to "fix" my problems, and I shouldn't care if people thinks I'm being selfish.
Even so, I feel like enjoying this delicious "drunkness while philosophical" feeling while it lasts. Not to mention the lack of any headache (that's why I took the Aspirin before) and more importantly, lack of backpain while sitting straight for almost whole hour. May probably redose if I don't feel sleepy enough in hour... although I doubt it. Thanks for reading.

I took the plunge yesterday...I am now on methadone maintenance! I called last week inquiring about new patient intake appointments and was told to come in Monday morning at 5am. So come Monday morning I get up at 4am and begin getting ready to bike the 2/3 miles to the clinic closest to my apartment. I get there fairly early (4:45am) and sit down to drink my coffee and smoke. When the doors opened at 5am there was maybe 4-5 people ahead of me in line. I walk in, wait in line and when it's my turn to go up to the window I'm told that their new patient intakes were on Tuesday and Thursday and that I didn't have to come in until 7am... errrgg..I'm kinda upset by this, but since I smoked tar the previous night I wasn't sick or anything. I begrudgingly unlock my bike and start to ride back home, thoughts racing through my head.
Now, I've thought about MMT many times over the years, but always deciding against it due to the horribly loooooong w/d from it. I watched my boyfriend drop CT (he was taking anywhere between one 40mg wafer to three wafers and had been for years he told me) in 2006 and it was a living hell for both of us! I had never taken an opiate for recreational purposes before and I didn't know what methadone was at that point. It took him years....YEARS for his body and mind to come back to his original baseline, and to be honest, I'm not sure if they ever truly went back to normal. After experiencing that with him I tried to steer clear of methadone and obtaining a physical dependency, but that didn't work out after ten years of "chipping" But I digress...
Make it back home fairly early and decide to take some of my Kratom that I had decided to squirrel away for the day when I was ready to jump off methadone. To be honest, I loved Kratom! The whole reason I'm on MMT is because Kratom will be banned this Friday. I've been using Kratom for maintenance for three years and it held me just fine. Of course, whenever I could get my hands on pills (or, heroin these last few months) I would and I would thoroughly enjoy them! I'd always get some with the intentions of not taking high amounts, or saving some for the next day (or next week) but I could never do that. My mind would ALWAS be on opiates and without them I'd become a super birth

Well life is pretty good for me right now, i'm still on methadone (60mg/day currently), and still on my anti-depressants. I am totally off of all benzos and my anxiety has not been bad at all. I really haven't been using any drugs except marijuana and the occasional speed adventure. I'm blessed to have a place to live and people who love me. I love life

Hello, everybody!

This is my first blog post on Bluelight. I'm not sure what I'll be blogging about. I guess it'll all just be spur of the moment and I'll share updates with my life and everything.

I've been up since 8:00 AM yesterday. I spent the day with my fiancé, I was supposed to have an interview today but, the hiring manager wasn't even around. Hopefully I can find another job soon. I'm really getting tired, my fiancé and I smoked a little bit of crystal last night, and I did a shot of heroin at around 3 AM. Nothing else really going on. Kind of getting sick of being physically dependent on opiates again, I don't know if I'll go into a detox center, or if I'll just quit cold turkey soon, but I'd like to quit soon.

My mom is coming up to spend my birthday with my fiancé and I this weekend. I'm really hoping she doesn't find out I'm using again, I don't want her to know just yet. I need to kick the opiates soon.

Anyway, it's so lovely being aware of what's going on around me, and not freaking out anymore; I had a terrible experience this last weekend from too much meth. I'll post a trip report about it later in the day. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now, just thought I'd start my blog on here before sleeping! Hopefully I'll remember to post another blog later on in the day, or something. I would like to keep it up to date as much as possible.

Thank you, to any who read this! Hopefully you guys will stick around and will read my later posts. Take care everybody! Be safe!

BLAAAAAAAAAH!

I tried to robodose over delsym with a 4 oz an hour and a half in and ended up puking it all up. I'm... kinda buzzed.


Oh. Apparently there's a subscription option now. That's nifty.

So yeah. I am alive. And blah. I've been spending a lot of my time writing My Little Pony fanfiction. And getting high when possible. On Friday night I got blasted and experienced shame. Just, isolated shame apropos of nothing. It was really interesting to explore those feelings, I guess.

I suppose it's better than thinking you're going to die. That was a fun robotrip. Just this sense of the inevitable washed over me and something inside of me decided it was the end. So I waited it out and... died, I guess. The wick inside of me snuffed itself.

Overall, I'd say that was an interesting night.

No, but robotripping is really interesting in my situation because I've developed ritualistic movements to feign competence. Or I just pee in a bottle and don't leave my room.

But yeah, there's this sense of ritual around my robotrips and sometimes it feels like I plunge into the aether and do important shit when I'm high. Crazy, right?

I don't know where I'm going with this. Here's your blog, Mel. Oh yeah I also wanted to post a picture because it's just so hilariously serious in my pseudointoxicated state.

Hello, everybody!

This is my first blog post on Bluelight. I'm not sure what I'll be blogging about. I guess it'll all just be spur of the moment and I'll share updates with my life and everything.

I've been up since 8:00 AM yesterday. I spent the day with my fiancé, I was supposed to have an interview today but, the hiring manager wasn't even around. Hopefully I can find another job soon. I'm really getting tired, my fiancé and I smoked a little bit of crystal last night, and I did a shot of heroin at around 3 AM. Nothing else really going on. Kind of getting sick of being physically dependent on opiates again, I don't know if I'll go into a detox center, or if I'll just quit cold turkey soon, but I'd like to quit soon.

My mom is coming up to spend my birthday with my fiancé and I this weekend. I'm really hoping she doesn't find out I'm using again, I don't want her to know just yet. I need to kick the opiates soon.

Anyway, it's so lovely being aware of what's going on around me, and not freaking out anymore; I had a terrible experience this last weekend from too much meth. I'll post a trip report about it later in the day. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now, just thought I'd start my blog on here before sleeping! Hopefully I'll remember to post another blog later on in the day, or something. I would like to keep it up to date as much as possible.

Thank you, to any who read this! Hopefully you guys will stick around and will read my later posts. Take care everybody! Be safe!

Just...all of the pants.

Now I like poetry, and I like being clean now, and I wanted to share those dual loves in an interesting manner.

------
I'm done with this struggle between death and life
Nothing feels good, so why even fight?
There might be an out, if I look long and hard
The answer is a spiritual wild card
Now I walk the line between knowing me
And knowing the hell presented duly
It's me, I swear! These are my own deeds!
My destructively wrecked failed leads
That I'm telling you now - not just for show
But because someone besides me need know
What I want to do to fix my own failings
Instead of continuing with the wailing
It's not about me by a long shot
Not even my defects stirred in the pot
Look what I did to all whom I touch!
Fixing it all is never too much
Every amend is one step away
From using hatred to end me today
I still have to monitor every action I take
For I know the gravity of what's at stake
I ask for help in an impossible way
And wait for the answer every day
Now at this point I take it to you
The end is the start of healing anew

Comparatively, I am very new to the game but probably hold the world record in going from never having tried drugs to becoming a full-blown addict to Meth, Ketamine, Xanax and Metoclopramide.


I've been through a lot: serious sexual assault, violent attacks, had a hit put out on me, overdose hospitalisation, psychotic depression, delusional parasitosis, GAD, agoraphobia, depersonalisation disorder, serotonin syndrome and catatonia.


It's not all doom and gloom - I've recently had a breakthrough and have been making really positive steps in my life, reconnecting with friends, engaging in the world, building up my company and taking better care of my health. So, I hope this represents a new start and an escape from the past hellish year of my life.

AFRIENDOFTINA

So today I go out with my Mom and get shoes. They're nice shoes. Slip-ons because laces are the devil.

We go into town and find this Chinese restaurant. We take a booth and sit down, whereupon the server hands us the menu.

Where there are items like FROG CASSEROLE, BEEF THROAT, JELLYFISH APPETIZER, and PORK INTESTINES.

It was super authentic, to say the least. I get spicy beef.

It was so spicy I involuntarily teared up. It was amazing. I reached capsacin nirvana in that authentic chinese restaurant.

And then six hours later all of that spice says hi to my butt. Which was not fun.



Why would you betray mem like that, lunch?

Months after a rough breakup, the x girlfriend, Courtney, contacted me and said I was the father of her baby and that I needed to talk to her. Stupidly, I did. She showed me the baby, which she kept in a Tupperware container in the refrigerator. It looked like a decomposing pork chop. I told her I thought it was only a piece of meat. She went ape shit.

She had grabbed me by the hair and used leverage to pull me down to the floor. She was on my back and tearing my hair from my scalp and smashing my head against her ceramic tile floor. I was bleeding and probably had a concussion by now. She wouldn’t stop. It seemed like it had gone on for minutes, and I heard my nose crunch. Blood was in my mouth. She had twisted my hair around her hands, and I could not just walk out and “leave the situation,” as a cop might say it. I had two choices: let her murder me or defend myself.

Stop her from murdering me and end up with a Domestic Violence conviction which would make me as good as dead. When it is girl against boy, self defense is no excuse in a court of law. A man should just take it on the chin and apologize to her for whatever he did to make her mad enough to do to him what she felt she had to do. Most judges would find me guilty and tell me that I should have walked away even though I couldn’t.

Right after the butcher knife incident, I had read many examples of what happens when the police are called in a conflict between a man and woman. Domestic Violence laws are often abused by the legal system. Everyone from judges to lawyers to police seem to side automatically with the woman. Her word is never questioned, and in some places whenever the police are called, the man is carted off to jail and treated as guilty until proven innocent. He is at a disadvantage and will often be found guilty in court. Prison and the jailhouse rape that sometimes goes hand in hand with a prison sentence, followed by a life of homelessness flashed through my mind.

Stories of domestic violence form the man’s perspective are all over the internet. Even when the woman starts it and commits all the violence, even when the woman has beaten the man nearly to death because he is too gentle to hit a woman and she knows it, even when the woman attacks the man with a deadly weapon, even when the man did not raise a finger to defend himself for fear of hurting the woman or fear of the legal system, if she has so much as one cut on her fist from breaking out the man’s teeth, the man will go to jail. All she has to do is say she feared for her safety and she will be believed. Many judges will rule that she was within her rights to use preemptive violence and the man should just take the beating and say he’s sorry. The only time the man doesn’t go to jail is when the woman tells the truth and admits she is the aggressor.

I don’t know anything about their past, but Lorena Bobbitt is celebrated as an American Hero. Popular women’s tv talk shows have her appear as a guest. They hold her up as a modern feminist role model and praise her for having the courage to cut off her husband’s penis. Her husband was sleeping like a baby when she attacked and dismembered him. I think the case against her was dropped as self-defence.

I hadn’t been in a helpless position since my father used to beat me when I was a kid. Tonight, it was the legal system that was holding me down and beating me to death.

It was like deciding whether to die now or die months later in prison. If I had to choose between prison for domestic violence and suicide, I would choose suicide. At least I would go out on my own terms. A domestic violence conviction would ruin all of my plans for improving my life. It would keep me from getting into medical school, grad school, or getting a good job.

Meanwhile, she was still smashing my face into her kitchen floor while swearing and howling with rage. I tried to think of something that wouldn’t leave an obvious mark. I reached back and grabbed the first place I could hold, the quadricep muscle of upper thigh. She was wearing thin pants, and I gripped her leg through the fabric. I squeezed. She shrieked even louder now. It was no longer a self-satisfied shriek but this time had a note of pain. Her little one-liners stopped. I squeezed harder, and she screamed and cursed louder. Spittle hit the back of my neck. She was foaming at the mouth.

I mentioned that I had been taking boxing lessons and working out. I was strong enough to lift a car, and I was strong enough to snap her neck in a split second. One of my exercises was to rip a phone book in half with my bare hands. It took a few minutes, but I performed this feat once every week so for my training. I had strong hands.

I wasn’t even squeezing with half my strength yet. I squeezed her leg even harder. She let out the craziest, ululating shriek I have ever heard, but she would not let go of my hair.

It was time to get serious. If I didn’t, I would be unconscious soon. I stiffened my fingertips into claws and dug into her leg. My fingers gouged into in the space between the thigh bone and the muscle. Her soft flesh was starting to give way, and my fingers sunk into her leg. It felt like the muscle was tearing under the skin. I twisted, trying to rip her thigh muscle off the bone.

Suddenly, she was silent and let me go. I got up and moved away from her. As I stood, she fell off me and flipped over on her back. Herr limbs were stiff. Then her eyes rolled backwards into her head. I got a paper towel from the rack next to the sink and wiped some of the blood off my face. Next, she started to shake in violent jerks and foam at the mouth. She vomited. Her arms and legs were flailing. Her head was stupidly smashing itself against the tile floor. She made weird moaning sounds. She peed.

I didn’t know what was happening to her, but she had never mentioned anything about being epileptic. Maybe I had discovered the Vulcan Paralysis grip. I quietly left and went home. I frantically got rid of all the marijuana in the house and started dismantelling the table bong. At the time, one of my roommates loved archery and had a crossbow he kept hidden, and I knew how to use it. I borrowed it, went up into my room, and barricaded the door.

Jail meant death to me. I didn’t know if I would just suicide or shoot anybody who tried to lock me up. I wrote in my journal what happened.Hours passed, but nobody came to get me.

I saw her one more time after that two weeks later. It was my last night in the city, and I was at the bar where I used to work celebrating with friends. Then she arrived. She was on crutches.

The second she spotted me, she dramatically winced with pain and hobbled past my table with her crutches. She was wearing the shortest shorts I have ever seen her wear. They looked brand new, and I suspect she bought them just for the occasion. Her butt was almost hanging out. My handprint was painted onto the front of her thigh in a purple and yellow bruise. Healed abrasions marked my fingertips and thumb. Starting several inches below that, her whole leg was one huge purple bruise all the way down to her foot.

She sat at the table across from my table in my line of sight and directly facing me. Then her friends, the Foo Fighters clone band, arrived and sat with her. She never made eye contact with me, but they glared at me from time to time. I can imagine what she told them about me. I had qualms against hitting a girl, but these weren’t girls. I stared back and was ready to knock their heads together if they attacked me. In fact, I was looking forward to taking out my displaced aggression on all of them. They never tried anything. I changed tables so they were not in my line of sight.

I moved away the next day to take classes at another campus and start working on my PhD. I never saw her again, but friends said she shaved her head, put on black lipstick, and became a public item with a “goth” lesbian in that town.

Later, from time to time over the next three years, I got anonymous letters in her handwriting. They had San Bernardino, California postmarks. The first ones said I would soon read about her in the news. She had a Hollywood talent agent and would be in movies. In fact, she was lined up to play a role in something that would be filmed in Hawaii. She went on to brag that she was now a stripper (and I suspected prostitute from what I have heard about strip clubs). She was also fond of “brain candy,” her code word for methamphetamine, a drug PsychoTom and Billy introduced to her. Sometimes she proudly called it “Rose Chrystal Meth” on account of its pink hue and raved about how she liked to inject it. In the letters, she boasted that she had access to an unlimited supply, and the cook liked her. I never answered the letters. She sent dozens more, some to me, and three years later, she sent some to my new girlfriend. I lived in a different city by then, but she had found my address and the name of the new girl (Psycho Suzie, yet another distressed damsel I might write about later) I was living with. The last envelopes only contained newspaper clippings of advertisements for erectile dysfunction medications and penis enlargement surgery. I saved them all for my scrapbook. Once the new girlfriend sent an email to the address in the letter. The new girlfriend showed me what she sent: in it the new girl repeated a story about Courtney doing meth and sticking a wine bottle almost all the way inside herself.

It was now the year 2000, and I never heard from The Millennium Slut again, but a string of girls just like her would take her place. It took years until I learned to screen them.

Remembering and writing this made me so sick taht I could barely finish. I almost vomited near the ending. I spent the rest of the day in bed and made a couple of edits after I felt a little better.

Ahh here I am again. Many years later and unfortunately I don't have many positive things to say. I was scripted oxy almost five years ago for chronic pain in my left wrist, but the dose they gave me wasn't nearly enough to battle the pain...and let's be real, it's not like meds are really going to help that long, tolerance, dependency, ect ect ect. What a road to addiction I've traveled. It's been well over five years since I've had a day without ANY substance in my system and this month the DEA let it be known that they will be banning my beloved kratom at the end of September. What will I do without you, oh kratom? I've been maintaining on kratom now for three years. I use it when my script runs out (since I take 150mg-200mg of oxy a day when I have it) and it's helped tremendously! I've been very happy with kratom up until this month, when I learned of the ban. Throw in experimenting with heroin for the first time in my godforsaken life two months ago and my hope is all gone.

The thing with heroin is, unlike pills, it's always available. Always. Just one phone call away. And after being addicted to pain killers for ten years, the addiction to heroin comes quick and strong. Even just smoking it. After two solid weeks, my beloved kratom barely covers the physical w/d..forget about psychological symptoms. I'm still hooked, and it's even deeper now that it's ever been.

I've tried leaving my partner of ten years twice now, only to reconnect soon after. The first was in 2012 when I lived with my then 4yo daughter in Cali while he was drifting around the west coast, devastated and torn from the breakup. That year is the year I received my first diagnosis as a chronic pain patient (with horrible carpal tunnel in my wrist, along with arthritis from many many years as a waitress). I ended up moving to be with him in 2013 and not a year later we had our second daughter. I came off most of my pain pills the nine months I was pregnant (with the exception of 20 a month for emergency purposes) but as soon as she was born I was back at the dr trying to get in for surgery for my wrist. I was told my government insurance wouldn't cover surgery so I'm back on pain pills.

They cycle of addiction is hard for me to even write about honestly, here in an anonymous forum..shessh. Why can't I just be real? I'm a fucking addict. I thought I was doing great with just kratom...and had no plans on changing or coming off of it because without it I'm a lost soul. No drive. No desire. Nothing. At least with kratom I still had the ability to orgasm and poop...and now with kratom being banned I'm seriously thinking about MMT...I'm just so worried about that. That's a for life decision. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to never be able to orgasm ever again? Am I ready for the horrible constipation that comes with it? Will I get to the point where it's not working like my meds do and want to increase my dose? Will I ever be able to get off methadone? Is it possible for me to ever live a life without medication ever again?

I look at my daughters and I hate myself when I'm in w/d, or when my energy is so low that I can't bring myself to get out of the house. Or my anxiety, my depression, my lack of ability to connect with anyone for fear of judgement keeps me house bound. One of the reasons opiate were such a pull to me is that they gave me confidence. When high on opiates I don't feel the loneliness, the fear, the isolation. I just don't spend every minute that I'm out worrying about everything.

Is methadone right for me? Do I keep struggling every day? Do I keep beating myself up and relapsing week after week? Or do I bite the bullet and seek help?
My partner just recently jumped on the mmt wagon...this last Tuesday to be exact. And it was a difficult decision for him as well. He knows him self and he has a really hard time doing anything in life without being medicated. Yet his road to addiction started as early as 12...and by 15 he was banging dope. I've seen him get clean numerous times, only to lose all motivation and be a zombie for months, years at a time. After being with him, and seeing him medicated vs sober and knowing that he just can't live a life of sobriety, he (or we) made the decision for him to get on mmt. We figured it was for the best that he did so. With him not having cravings or physical symptoms he's mch more pleasant to be around, doesn't seem as depressed and has more overall motivation and he's not talking me into copping with him. It's so bad when both of us are sick...

Do I wait for a while...see how life treats me without kratom...waiting to get back into the pitfall of copping and spending all my extra money on drugs? Or do I just bite the bullet and start maintenance...

She lays down on her bed and wonders again where it is she has found herself. The last thing she can remember is the space between walking life and dreaming. But instead of waking up under the stars Mary finds her surrounds to be alien and cold. Four hard surfaces called walls were around her with only a small opening for fresh air and light. She was very confused. There was something in the center of the space with images appearing at an alarming rate, flashing in front of her eyes. Mary started to become scared. "Where am I?" she thought. "Why do I feel so closed in?" Suddenly she heard a loud noise. She sat very still, not knowing what to do. The noise repeated itself and finally Mary realized that whatever was making that sound was on the otherside of the wall. Not fully comprehending what a door was, she opened it nonetheless and on the otherside she found something quite odd. It was a creature that looked very similar to herself but was different in many ways. This creature had odd clothing on, restricting the flow of energy that Mary was always taught should be light and airy. And on the creatures feet was something covering them. How is that creature able to draw the energy from Gia with the covers on his feet, Mary thought to herself. Before she could say any thing the creature spoke "Are you Mary?"
"Yes" says Mary
"It's time for your work day to start"
"Work day? What is a work day?" she asks.
The creature looks at her confused himself. "You've been recruited by HIM to help sustain our way of living. They didn't tell you?"
"Who didn't tell me? I don't know what is going on here. Where are the trees? What happened to the sky? Where are the animals and flowers and bungalows where my family is?" Mary asks. By this time Mary is almost in a state of panic. She feels restricted and cutoff from the life force normally flowing through her, giving her love and strength to live by. This force guides all creatures from the place Mary is from but it's natrually occuring. In this new horrifying world Mary has found herself in people are not propelled by this loving energy that communes with their own, but are sucked dry by the machine. Not that it's actually a machine you see. It's not something that can easily be explained.

At some point in our history things got split in two. The world, universe, existance, whatever you'd like to call life existed harmoniously without fear. To this day no one really knows where this fear came from. It slowly creeped in and started taking over people's minds. Instead of living communally on the land with the land .

I was lost before I met her and even before that,

Had not a shred of self-worth, not even a scrap.



It was taken from me, before I even knew,

I was made to believe that somehow I needed you.



Tried so hard to fit in, to obey all of the rules,

To alter myself so I'd be liked by you fools.



I eroded away at the person I could've been.

By tempering myself down, so what's real was unseen.



All of my focus, time, energy were spent,
Playing the role you wanted and the 'real' part just went.



When I finally stopped caring about your version of me,

There was nothing else left there, no person to be.



So I died long ago, certainly anything worth saving.

That person isn't real, don't you? The one that you’re craving.



It was all a smart act, a ruse, a charade.

I played the part well, t'was unwittingly hard.



The impersonation laid on, worked more than it should,

Since it made all you like me more than I ever could.



How dare you remark callously on my final act?!

You have said quite enough haven't you, as a matter of fact.



The blame must be pointed at one of us, three.

One must be the culprit but is it You, I or She?






I know who I'd bet on, let's not dwell on that,


Firing guilt at each other, won't take it all back.



Tina's portion of blame is a catalyst's share,
Can't find her guilty if I kick away the chair.



It's funny that now's the time that I find,

The root of the problem was not me or my mind.



No solution to be gleaned, can't go back to the past.

Only the future left ahead and I’m not sure I’ll last.



Not giving up yet, I won’t just accept such a fate,

With some luck and some willing, it won't be too late...

I have broken this series of entries into several parts because of bluelight’s character limit in blog entries. I originally wrote it in a notebook soon after it happened. The entire episode is around 8000 words. I post no more than once per day because I don’t want to flood the blogs any more than I already have.

This story titled Millennium Slut is another part of my rant titled Tales of Misogyny. It‘s about dating American women and about misogyny in general. I had been dating Courtney (who used to call herself the Millennium Girl) and she was an ex at the time of this section. She is a typical American girl. Her behavior is surprisingly common among American Women younger than the age of 40 that I have encountered and heard about. I don’t have experience with older women, so I have no idea about them. Not every American woman acts like her, and I don’t know the stats on how many do.

I found that dating American women is like crossing a minefield. It goes ok for a while, and you think you are safe, but eventually she will go KABOOM! Living overseas and dating dozens of foreign women here has given me a broader perspective on American Women and women in general.




I wondered if there is a national trend on dysfunctional relationships. I didn’t find anything, but I did find that the rate of marriage is at a historic low and continues to drop in the US.

I left off with Courtney, the Love of my Life as of that time, hiding in my house with a butcher knife. She chased me outside, and I left her curled up and sobbing in the fetal position in the street late in the night. Not long after that, I left town to work in an internship. Months later, soon after I returned, she emailed me. This is really how she writes:

“I know you’re back. You were so selfish not be here in my time of great and urgent need and anguish. But I forgive you for you are my Chosen One, and I am your Millennium Girl. You have torn my heart into a million tiny little pieces. It hurts more than anything you can ever know. I’m just a girl but our love remains eternal. I had our baby while you were gone, and it is yours, proof that God wants us to be together forever and ever. You need to talk to me right now. I am waiting.“

When I met her, I mistook a distressed damsel for a damsel in distress. She said she was sexually abused and had a bad childhood. Maybe we could understand each other because I was sexually abused and had a bad childhood too. Her behavior was bizarre, but compared to my own mother, she seemed sane and only a little dramatic.

My mother never wanted kids, and she made sure I knew it. Unfortunately, she didn’t know she didn’t want kids until the day I was born. I had ruined her life that day. My mother hated men, and she made sure I knew that men are evil, were responsible for everything that is wrong with the world, had ruined her life, designed the uncomfortable and ill-fitting bras they forced her to buy and wear, squeezed money out of her every month by forcing her to wear tampons men designed in uncomfortable shapes for the sole purpose of making women feel miserable and oppressed. I was complicit because I was a boy. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of this world whenever I want,” was one of her favorite things to say to me during childhood.

My mother followed a kind of militant and misandrist feminism of the 1960s. It was popular among her middle class, privileged white female friends. It is far from the egalitarian feminism that was generally good and tried to make laws, business practices, and hiring fair for women.

During my childhood, she rarely said anything to me beyond monosyllables and grunts, but she was always listening to and reading some bizarre things. Militant feminist rants and manifestos were among them. This is a typical thing she would give me to read.

“Men are inherently dangerous. Women are called the fairer sex for a reason, the only time a woman will ever feel the need to hurt another human is when she feels antagonised by males. Unlike males women don't feel good for beating each other up. Men literally live for hurting each other. Women are a lot weaker than men, Men should just take it on the chin and apologise for whatever they did.”

I didn’t believe I had caused my ex to have a baby. The timing was impossible. Still, I decided to see her. It was getting dark. I rode my bike down the GreenWay, a bike path that runs along the West bank of the Mississippi River through miles of forested parks. There are only a few interruptions for cars, and as you ride through the woods and along the bluffs overlooking the river, you can almost forget that you are in the middle of the big city. The cold wind had ripped the wet leaves off the trees, and the late sunset was in spectacular purples and golds.

She let me in her house. She was skinny and looked sick. She opened the refrigerator and took a Tupperware food container from the fridge. She ate a few bites from it. She got a second tupperware food container and set it on the table in front of me. She told me it’s mine. It looked like a slab of pork sitting in congealed blood. It reeked.

“I think it’s spoiled. What is it?”

“It’s our baby,” she said.

“What?” I said.

“It was born three weeks ago. You weren’t there for me when i needed
you.”

“You know I was in New Orleans for my internship.”

“Curt held me in his arms. … they were all there for me,” she said, “which is more than you ever did for me. Curt, Kim, Terry, Tim (the members of the local Foo Fighters clone band) were here for me while I had our baby. Tom was with me too. Everybody took care of me.”

She would later tell me they were all doing meth together and she had been sleeping with each one of them including the married girl while I was gone. This was the same married girl that she got mad at me for talking to. PsychoTom and Billy supplied the meth.

“It doesn’t look like a baby. It just looks like a pork chop,” I said.

“That’s because it died you piece of sh=t, and Curt’s going to med school next year, and he said it was a baby,” she said.

“If Curt says so,” I said.

“What. Everrrrr,” she said. Her face shriveled with rage. For a moment, she looked like a white raison or an angry baby. She went “zero to psycho in 2.7 seconds,” PsychoTom was fond of saying.

“I have to go, I said.”

I got up to leave and turned toward the door. Suddenly, she jumped on my back and grabbed me by the hair. Not again. Never turn your back on your enemy. It’s kind of hard to think of your lover as an enemy.

(I shaved my head after that.) She had my hair in both hands and was twisting. When somebody grabs you by the hair from behind with both hands, they have almost total control of your body, no matter how small they are. She was pulling as hard as she could. It was extremely painful, and I could feel bits of hair and skin being ripped out. I was bleeding at the scalp. Then she used her leverage, pulled me to the kitchen floor, and beat my head against the ceramic tiles. I saw stars. I simply could not wriggle away. I failed to pry her fingers off me.

Now I was on the floor and she was on top of me tearing my hair from my scalp and smashing my head against her ceramic tile floor. I was sure I was bleeding and probably had a concussion by now. She wouldn’t stop. She was smashing my head against the floor for what seemed like minutes, and I heard my nose crunch. Blood was in my mouth. She had me by the hair, and I could not “leave the situation,” as a cop might say it. I had two choices: let her murder me or defend myself.

Some people who work in the legal system either hate men, or they cannot believe that a woman is capable of being the violent one. “Women are delicate flowers, and men are inherently violent,” my mother might have said. “The man just needs to take it on the chin and apologise for making her feel threatened enough that she felt she had no choice but to attack and try to kill him. He deserved whatever he made her do to him.”

To be continued.