Today marks a year since I was lying on the bathroom floor after I overdosed on heroin, vodka, and xanax. I had thrown up blood and lost touch of reality. All I remember is everything blurring and I could barely breath. I just wanted it all to end, but at the same time I didn't want to die. I was so scared and then I blacked out as the girl in the other room nodded off. She enjoyed her high as I held on for dear life in her bathroom, alone and afraid. However, somehow I eventually came back to reality and pulled myself off her bathroom floor on my hands and knees. I still don't know how I managed to get up off that bathroom floor because honestly I shouldn't have been able to, but by the grace of God I managed to. I still lack the faith I should, but that night there had to have been someone of higher power watching out for me. I should have died, but I didn't.
A year ago, that same night my very good friend who took the same concoction died. I don't want to go through all the details because trust me I re-live it everyday. The liquid that came out of him still feels as if it remains on my hands and the sound of his dying breaths still can be heard. I try and try to shake it, but I can't. That experience was one of the worst situations that I have ever been through. The thoughts of if I wasn't so fucked up would he still be alive… repeats in my head all the time. I still can't graps the fact that he died and I didn't. He had a life going for him and three kids. I didn't. I was suicidal as fuck at that time and was being self destructive. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I didn't want to make it to 21. Yet, I still am here and he isn't. I know it's not my fault, but then again, I don't know at the same time. I wish I did, but I can't let that night plague my life or memories of him. All the good memories we've shared will forever remain in my heart. He was/is such an amazing person with an anazing heart. Rest in peace
A year later today, I am somehow now at a better place. I will never forget that night and yes, I am still going through it; however, I have to keep going. It took me months to realize it and months of continuing to be strungout on dope. I kept using to numb the pain of what I believed to be a pathetic life. Then one day everything changed. I realized I couldn't keep going this way and so I had to do things differently. I didn't plan it. It just came to me that this would be the day I would stop. This would be the day I would stop being self destructive and filled with self hatred. It was literally the morning before my 21st birthday. It was so strange because for once I felt as if things were going to become better. I don't know why, but I just did. I even started to feel happy for once. It was crazy and I was even scared. It was so long since I've experienced this emotion and simply by just waking up. I thought at times this can't be true… it was going to go away… this was all a mere tease and my happiness would fade. Thankfully I finally told myself that it wasn't and I had to believe that good things were possible.
So ever since that day in September I have been clean from heroin and I am doing so well. I have a lot to still do, but I can proudly say I've accomplished a lot so far too. I feel like a person again. I feel as if I have a soul for once. I really can't explain how I feel exactly, but I feel amazing. I wish my friend was here to experience this with me. I wish he was just here period. Sadly, I can't change the fact that he died, but I can move forward knowing in time that things will be alright. I don't want his death to be in vain and trust me I've learned a lot from it. I will never take life for granted again. Life is too beautiful. Yes, I still feel down sometimes, but I don't stay down anymore. I find ways to bring myself up and my friends as well as my family help me with open arms. I am grateful for you guys. I am grateful for this second chance at life.
A year ago, that same night my very good friend who took the same concoction died. I don't want to go through all the details because trust me I re-live it everyday. The liquid that came out of him still feels as if it remains on my hands and the sound of his dying breaths still can be heard. I try and try to shake it, but I can't. That experience was one of the worst situations that I have ever been through. The thoughts of if I wasn't so fucked up would he still be alive… repeats in my head all the time. I still can't graps the fact that he died and I didn't. He had a life going for him and three kids. I didn't. I was suicidal as fuck at that time and was being self destructive. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I didn't want to make it to 21. Yet, I still am here and he isn't. I know it's not my fault, but then again, I don't know at the same time. I wish I did, but I can't let that night plague my life or memories of him. All the good memories we've shared will forever remain in my heart. He was/is such an amazing person with an anazing heart. Rest in peace
A year later today, I am somehow now at a better place. I will never forget that night and yes, I am still going through it; however, I have to keep going. It took me months to realize it and months of continuing to be strungout on dope. I kept using to numb the pain of what I believed to be a pathetic life. Then one day everything changed. I realized I couldn't keep going this way and so I had to do things differently. I didn't plan it. It just came to me that this would be the day I would stop. This would be the day I would stop being self destructive and filled with self hatred. It was literally the morning before my 21st birthday. It was so strange because for once I felt as if things were going to become better. I don't know why, but I just did. I even started to feel happy for once. It was crazy and I was even scared. It was so long since I've experienced this emotion and simply by just waking up. I thought at times this can't be true… it was going to go away… this was all a mere tease and my happiness would fade. Thankfully I finally told myself that it wasn't and I had to believe that good things were possible.
So ever since that day in September I have been clean from heroin and I am doing so well. I have a lot to still do, but I can proudly say I've accomplished a lot so far too. I feel like a person again. I feel as if I have a soul for once. I really can't explain how I feel exactly, but I feel amazing. I wish my friend was here to experience this with me. I wish he was just here period. Sadly, I can't change the fact that he died, but I can move forward knowing in time that things will be alright. I don't want his death to be in vain and trust me I've learned a lot from it. I will never take life for granted again. Life is too beautiful. Yes, I still feel down sometimes, but I don't stay down anymore. I find ways to bring myself up and my friends as well as my family help me with open arms. I am grateful for you guys. I am grateful for this second chance at life.
happy for you!
