Ahh here I am again. Many years later and unfortunately I don't have many positive things to say. I was scripted oxy almost five years ago for chronic pain in my left wrist, but the dose they gave me wasn't nearly enough to battle the pain...and let's be real, it's not like meds are really going to help that long, tolerance, dependency, ect ect ect. What a road to addiction I've traveled. It's been well over five years since I've had a day without ANY substance in my system and this month the DEA let it be known that they will be banning my beloved kratom at the end of September. What will I do without you, oh kratom? I've been maintaining on kratom now for three years. I use it when my script runs out (since I take 150mg-200mg of oxy a day when I have it) and it's helped tremendously! I've been very happy with kratom up until this month, when I learned of the ban. Throw in experimenting with heroin for the first time in my godforsaken life two months ago and my hope is all gone.
The thing with heroin is, unlike pills, it's always available. Always. Just one phone call away. And after being addicted to pain killers for ten years, the addiction to heroin comes quick and strong. Even just smoking it. After two solid weeks, my beloved kratom barely covers the physical w/d..forget about psychological symptoms. I'm still hooked, and it's even deeper now that it's ever been.
I've tried leaving my partner of ten years twice now, only to reconnect soon after. The first was in 2012 when I lived with my then 4yo daughter in Cali while he was drifting around the west coast, devastated and torn from the breakup. That year is the year I received my first diagnosis as a chronic pain patient (with horrible carpal tunnel in my wrist, along with arthritis from many many years as a waitress). I ended up moving to be with him in 2013 and not a year later we had our second daughter. I came off most of my pain pills the nine months I was pregnant (with the exception of 20 a month for emergency purposes) but as soon as she was born I was back at the dr trying to get in for surgery for my wrist. I was told my government insurance wouldn't cover surgery so I'm back on pain pills.
They cycle of addiction is hard for me to even write about honestly, here in an anonymous forum..shessh. Why can't I just be real? I'm a fucking addict. I thought I was doing great with just kratom...and had no plans on changing or coming off of it because without it I'm a lost soul. No drive. No desire. Nothing. At least with kratom I still had the ability to orgasm and poop...and now with kratom being banned I'm seriously thinking about MMT...I'm just so worried about that. That's a for life decision. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to never be able to orgasm ever again? Am I ready for the horrible constipation that comes with it? Will I get to the point where it's not working like my meds do and want to increase my dose? Will I ever be able to get off methadone? Is it possible for me to ever live a life without medication ever again?
I look at my daughters and I hate myself when I'm in w/d, or when my energy is so low that I can't bring myself to get out of the house. Or my anxiety, my depression, my lack of ability to connect with anyone for fear of judgement keeps me house bound. One of the reasons opiate were such a pull to me is that they gave me confidence. When high on opiates I don't feel the loneliness, the fear, the isolation. I just don't spend every minute that I'm out worrying about everything.
Is methadone right for me? Do I keep struggling every day? Do I keep beating myself up and relapsing week after week? Or do I bite the bullet and seek help?
My partner just recently jumped on the mmt wagon...this last Tuesday to be exact. And it was a difficult decision for him as well. He knows him self and he has a really hard time doing anything in life without being medicated. Yet his road to addiction started as early as 12...and by 15 he was banging dope. I've seen him get clean numerous times, only to lose all motivation and be a zombie for months, years at a time. After being with him, and seeing him medicated vs sober and knowing that he just can't live a life of sobriety, he (or we) made the decision for him to get on mmt. We figured it was for the best that he did so. With him not having cravings or physical symptoms he's mch more pleasant to be around, doesn't seem as depressed and has more overall motivation and he's not talking me into copping with him. It's so bad when both of us are sick...
Do I wait for a while...see how life treats me without kratom...waiting to get back into the pitfall of copping and spending all my extra money on drugs? Or do I just bite the bullet and start maintenance...
The thing with heroin is, unlike pills, it's always available. Always. Just one phone call away. And after being addicted to pain killers for ten years, the addiction to heroin comes quick and strong. Even just smoking it. After two solid weeks, my beloved kratom barely covers the physical w/d..forget about psychological symptoms. I'm still hooked, and it's even deeper now that it's ever been.
I've tried leaving my partner of ten years twice now, only to reconnect soon after. The first was in 2012 when I lived with my then 4yo daughter in Cali while he was drifting around the west coast, devastated and torn from the breakup. That year is the year I received my first diagnosis as a chronic pain patient (with horrible carpal tunnel in my wrist, along with arthritis from many many years as a waitress). I ended up moving to be with him in 2013 and not a year later we had our second daughter. I came off most of my pain pills the nine months I was pregnant (with the exception of 20 a month for emergency purposes) but as soon as she was born I was back at the dr trying to get in for surgery for my wrist. I was told my government insurance wouldn't cover surgery so I'm back on pain pills.
They cycle of addiction is hard for me to even write about honestly, here in an anonymous forum..shessh. Why can't I just be real? I'm a fucking addict. I thought I was doing great with just kratom...and had no plans on changing or coming off of it because without it I'm a lost soul. No drive. No desire. Nothing. At least with kratom I still had the ability to orgasm and poop...and now with kratom being banned I'm seriously thinking about MMT...I'm just so worried about that. That's a for life decision. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to never be able to orgasm ever again? Am I ready for the horrible constipation that comes with it? Will I get to the point where it's not working like my meds do and want to increase my dose? Will I ever be able to get off methadone? Is it possible for me to ever live a life without medication ever again?
I look at my daughters and I hate myself when I'm in w/d, or when my energy is so low that I can't bring myself to get out of the house. Or my anxiety, my depression, my lack of ability to connect with anyone for fear of judgement keeps me house bound. One of the reasons opiate were such a pull to me is that they gave me confidence. When high on opiates I don't feel the loneliness, the fear, the isolation. I just don't spend every minute that I'm out worrying about everything.
Is methadone right for me? Do I keep struggling every day? Do I keep beating myself up and relapsing week after week? Or do I bite the bullet and seek help?
My partner just recently jumped on the mmt wagon...this last Tuesday to be exact. And it was a difficult decision for him as well. He knows him self and he has a really hard time doing anything in life without being medicated. Yet his road to addiction started as early as 12...and by 15 he was banging dope. I've seen him get clean numerous times, only to lose all motivation and be a zombie for months, years at a time. After being with him, and seeing him medicated vs sober and knowing that he just can't live a life of sobriety, he (or we) made the decision for him to get on mmt. We figured it was for the best that he did so. With him not having cravings or physical symptoms he's mch more pleasant to be around, doesn't seem as depressed and has more overall motivation and he's not talking me into copping with him. It's so bad when both of us are sick...
Do I wait for a while...see how life treats me without kratom...waiting to get back into the pitfall of copping and spending all my extra money on drugs? Or do I just bite the bullet and start maintenance...
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
