Today is day 17 on the program and my second day at 70mgs. So far so good. Had to breathe into the breathalyzer this am and of course passed it no problem. I really want to drink a beer to celebrate my new job, but I can wait until Saturday. So far 70 mgs seems good. I'm a bit more tired toward the middle of the day than I was on 60mg or lower but so far the cravings aren't back and that's what I was going for. Side effects are still sweating when I do housework, difficulty with sexual climax, and urine retention ( I think that's the right term for it...when you gotta go, but it's difficult to go) and now tiredness by early afternoon (I dose at 6:30am). I find that as long as I'm up and doing something I'm fine, but as soon as I sit down I become super tired, like I could nap really easily. But I know if I DO nap it'll be a pain in the ass to wake up (as in I'll be super grumpy when I have to get up because I just want to stay in dreamland). My counselor did tell me yesterday that I have 45 days to play around with my dosage and to find the 'sweet spot' so to say. I'm actually thinking about going back down to maybe 60/65mgs. I guess we'll see tomorrow when I'm at work!
Really the new job isn't all that great...back to food service. And not even a full restaurant! It's a weird breakfast/pizza restaurant. The place has only been opened for about six months so it's still new and it's in a weird industrialized part of town (not many homes there, just car shops and warehouses) with day hours-7am-7pm. Not want I wanted to do, AND not what was suppose to happen either. My boyfriend was suppose to have a job right now and I was going to keep focusing on my birth business trying to build it up and sign on more clients but he hasn't got a job and we're outta stuff (like tp for the house and smokes for us) AND my internet bill is two months overdue and they will shut if off come Monday if half of it isn't paid AND it's halfway through the month and we have nothing in our rent/energy jar AND holiday's are coming up. With two children, autumn and winter are busy, expensive months for us as a family. Especially since three out of the four of us have birthdays in winter.
I'm actually really upset that my boyfriend doesn't have a job yet. Like pissed off even. I let him back in my life and two months later I'm flat broke with no way to get household items that I need for the house, I have nothing in my spare cash fund for smokes or extras, my bills are late, and the kicker? He introduced me to heroin and I was hooked and bought US hundreds of dollars in heroin (hence all my money gone). While it WAS my choice to accept his offer to try it (and I ought not to have, really I ought to have known better considering my 10 year opiate habit) who introduces heroin to someone they LOVE? Especially someone who you know has a control problem with opiates. I take full responsibility for my addiction and my choice to use heroin though. I'm just venting right now, as I am really pissed off at my boyfriend right now.
He told me in August (or was it end of July) that he was getting unemployment and that he would start paying off the back child support he owed me. Well that never happened. I don't even know what happened to his claim. I honestly think that he never followed up on it. I tried to walk him though the process (since I collected UI in 2013 for a minute) but he didn't want my help and that was ok. I would have rather him figure it all out himself as I don't want to enable him any longer.
Then he told me he'd have a job by the end of the week one week in August (early August I believe) from one of those labor ready (temp agency) places...and here were are in October...this kinda shit has gone on since we got back together. Getting back together happened too quick now that have some sober time under my belt. To be honest, looking back, I think it was the heroin that fucked up my brain and my judgement. When I was high I felt overly loving and happy and I just moved too fast. I don't think that he'd be living here right now if I had never began smoking heroin. But he is, and now I have to deal with that. I made some really stupid decisions while chasing the dragon and now I have to deal with the repercussions of those decisions.
I really wanted to kick him out today. He's super depressed again. He said he's been having panic attacks and that he doesn't feel it's fair that I'm dumping all this stress on his back. But I am NOT just dumping it. I've been warning him for the past few weeks that this is where things were going. Tried to let him know that I'm getting really worried about money issues and that because of that worry and upset I'm pushing him away. When we first got back together we were very lovey dovey and I saw smiles on his face and in his eyes (and that was new to me...he never smiled before and his eyes were always dull and lifeless). I thought that this time would be different. That he'd finally found himself and his motivation and everything. But I was wrong. Without the H he was back to being depressed. Which is one of the reasons we decided on the MMT program, but even that's not helping his depression. It's depressing to me! I'm using this program as a chance to reprogram my mind and habits. I'm trying the best I can to rebuild my life. For myself AND for my children. I was always a highly functioning addict but my money was always tied up in drugs. I'm looking forward to working (although I wish it was more birth work) and being able to save extra money and spend it on things that AREN'T DRUGS!! YAY!
Well...shit, once again my entry is kind of all over the place. I have to end it here. Got to round up work shoes and what not for tomorrow. Maybe my boyfriend will surprise me with him getting a job too today as he finally went out to find work. Maybe...
Really the new job isn't all that great...back to food service. And not even a full restaurant! It's a weird breakfast/pizza restaurant. The place has only been opened for about six months so it's still new and it's in a weird industrialized part of town (not many homes there, just car shops and warehouses) with day hours-7am-7pm. Not want I wanted to do, AND not what was suppose to happen either. My boyfriend was suppose to have a job right now and I was going to keep focusing on my birth business trying to build it up and sign on more clients but he hasn't got a job and we're outta stuff (like tp for the house and smokes for us) AND my internet bill is two months overdue and they will shut if off come Monday if half of it isn't paid AND it's halfway through the month and we have nothing in our rent/energy jar AND holiday's are coming up. With two children, autumn and winter are busy, expensive months for us as a family. Especially since three out of the four of us have birthdays in winter.
I'm actually really upset that my boyfriend doesn't have a job yet. Like pissed off even. I let him back in my life and two months later I'm flat broke with no way to get household items that I need for the house, I have nothing in my spare cash fund for smokes or extras, my bills are late, and the kicker? He introduced me to heroin and I was hooked and bought US hundreds of dollars in heroin (hence all my money gone). While it WAS my choice to accept his offer to try it (and I ought not to have, really I ought to have known better considering my 10 year opiate habit) who introduces heroin to someone they LOVE? Especially someone who you know has a control problem with opiates. I take full responsibility for my addiction and my choice to use heroin though. I'm just venting right now, as I am really pissed off at my boyfriend right now.
He told me in August (or was it end of July) that he was getting unemployment and that he would start paying off the back child support he owed me. Well that never happened. I don't even know what happened to his claim. I honestly think that he never followed up on it. I tried to walk him though the process (since I collected UI in 2013 for a minute) but he didn't want my help and that was ok. I would have rather him figure it all out himself as I don't want to enable him any longer.
Then he told me he'd have a job by the end of the week one week in August (early August I believe) from one of those labor ready (temp agency) places...and here were are in October...this kinda shit has gone on since we got back together. Getting back together happened too quick now that have some sober time under my belt. To be honest, looking back, I think it was the heroin that fucked up my brain and my judgement. When I was high I felt overly loving and happy and I just moved too fast. I don't think that he'd be living here right now if I had never began smoking heroin. But he is, and now I have to deal with that. I made some really stupid decisions while chasing the dragon and now I have to deal with the repercussions of those decisions.
I really wanted to kick him out today. He's super depressed again. He said he's been having panic attacks and that he doesn't feel it's fair that I'm dumping all this stress on his back. But I am NOT just dumping it. I've been warning him for the past few weeks that this is where things were going. Tried to let him know that I'm getting really worried about money issues and that because of that worry and upset I'm pushing him away. When we first got back together we were very lovey dovey and I saw smiles on his face and in his eyes (and that was new to me...he never smiled before and his eyes were always dull and lifeless). I thought that this time would be different. That he'd finally found himself and his motivation and everything. But I was wrong. Without the H he was back to being depressed. Which is one of the reasons we decided on the MMT program, but even that's not helping his depression. It's depressing to me! I'm using this program as a chance to reprogram my mind and habits. I'm trying the best I can to rebuild my life. For myself AND for my children. I was always a highly functioning addict but my money was always tied up in drugs. I'm looking forward to working (although I wish it was more birth work) and being able to save extra money and spend it on things that AREN'T DRUGS!! YAY!
Well...shit, once again my entry is kind of all over the place. I have to end it here. Got to round up work shoes and what not for tomorrow. Maybe my boyfriend will surprise me with him getting a job too today as he finally went out to find work. Maybe...
