*** copied from BL journal ***
3:00pm
Slept til 2pm and wanted to slam some shit. My connect isn't around and won't hook me up unless he's around so i grabbed some yogurt and bread, took some otc flu meds to put me to sleep.
Its thundering real loud outside and my huge ass dog has crawled into bed with me. He's scared of thunder and I'm scared of life. We make a good team.
I'll probably wake up at 10pm or so and have thoughts of how i can steal or manipulate some shit. I have 90 29g 1/2" syringes left and I cant stop thinking about the butterflies that happen when i pop the orange caps off. I shoot in my thighs and knees now (my crooks are pretty shot), i get perfedct hits and i enjoy the tiny wait time for the coke to hit when i do those spots.
9:47pm
Woke up about 8:30p. Dude hasn't been around all day. Dude's always around so i wonder if he got popped again. If so, fuck... i'm thinkin' I can find where he stashes his shit. Yeah, i'm an asshole but fuck, i'd sure like to see some red clouding in my needle.
I miss Michelle. She loved me but I ran away under the guise of chasing after a career. She was so caring and kind. I took her for granted and didn't realize how much I cared. A life with her would have been perfect but I choose to move to Colorado for money and status. That didn't last. I forgot that I was a fiend regardless of the fact I didn't use anymore. Fiends always go back to using. I was successful and that fucked with me. Fiends always find there thing again. Success isn't good for me. I'd rather struggle at an unfulfilling job and be with a woman who truly loves me than be successful at a job that doesn't mean anything.
I miss her voice. She called the other day but I can't let her hear what I've become. She was so good and kind, now she has a boyfriend. He probably has his shit together and doesn't run from love. Fuck! I'm gonna cry again. I'm sorry Michelle. No, I'm sorry Jeff. She's doing okay and I should be happy for her. I had my chance. Fuck! If I had an 8 ball I'd draw it all up and jam it right now. Maybe the next life I won't be so fucking stupid. Maybe I wouldn't think so highly of myself and accept the love of a good woman.
I always dreamed of dying by saving someone. Now I just want to die. If it wasn't for my dog (i know it sounds silly) I would take myself out right now. I care about people but I fucking hate myself. Those who care about me I end up hurting. Thats not right. I need to end it to stop hurting thse who've taken a chance on me. No more chances. Its gotta stop. You've placed your bets on a losing horse. I'll always hurt myself, I'll always fuck shit u and I'll always be selfish.
I'm sorry Michelle. I miss you and should have listened to my heart and not my brain.
10:46pm
Dude got home a little bit ago. Turned me onto a bump. I was so nervous about doing it I had a partial miss. I got high but being the fiend that I am, I am pissed that I didn't feel the whole thing. It was a nice flavor though and I'll probably be able to get another hit before going to bed. I have a fresh bottle of vodka that helps me in asking for more as well as sleeping.
A fellow BL'er is correct though, if I rely on alcohol I'll just be replacing one addiction for another and alcohol withdrawal is harder. You can't become physically addicted to coke but the mental obsession is fucking hard (especially when you only get a piece of a free shot).
3:00pm
Slept til 2pm and wanted to slam some shit. My connect isn't around and won't hook me up unless he's around so i grabbed some yogurt and bread, took some otc flu meds to put me to sleep.
Its thundering real loud outside and my huge ass dog has crawled into bed with me. He's scared of thunder and I'm scared of life. We make a good team.
I'll probably wake up at 10pm or so and have thoughts of how i can steal or manipulate some shit. I have 90 29g 1/2" syringes left and I cant stop thinking about the butterflies that happen when i pop the orange caps off. I shoot in my thighs and knees now (my crooks are pretty shot), i get perfedct hits and i enjoy the tiny wait time for the coke to hit when i do those spots.
9:47pm
Woke up about 8:30p. Dude hasn't been around all day. Dude's always around so i wonder if he got popped again. If so, fuck... i'm thinkin' I can find where he stashes his shit. Yeah, i'm an asshole but fuck, i'd sure like to see some red clouding in my needle.
I miss Michelle. She loved me but I ran away under the guise of chasing after a career. She was so caring and kind. I took her for granted and didn't realize how much I cared. A life with her would have been perfect but I choose to move to Colorado for money and status. That didn't last. I forgot that I was a fiend regardless of the fact I didn't use anymore. Fiends always go back to using. I was successful and that fucked with me. Fiends always find there thing again. Success isn't good for me. I'd rather struggle at an unfulfilling job and be with a woman who truly loves me than be successful at a job that doesn't mean anything.
I miss her voice. She called the other day but I can't let her hear what I've become. She was so good and kind, now she has a boyfriend. He probably has his shit together and doesn't run from love. Fuck! I'm gonna cry again. I'm sorry Michelle. No, I'm sorry Jeff. She's doing okay and I should be happy for her. I had my chance. Fuck! If I had an 8 ball I'd draw it all up and jam it right now. Maybe the next life I won't be so fucking stupid. Maybe I wouldn't think so highly of myself and accept the love of a good woman.
I always dreamed of dying by saving someone. Now I just want to die. If it wasn't for my dog (i know it sounds silly) I would take myself out right now. I care about people but I fucking hate myself. Those who care about me I end up hurting. Thats not right. I need to end it to stop hurting thse who've taken a chance on me. No more chances. Its gotta stop. You've placed your bets on a losing horse. I'll always hurt myself, I'll always fuck shit u and I'll always be selfish.
I'm sorry Michelle. I miss you and should have listened to my heart and not my brain.
10:46pm
Dude got home a little bit ago. Turned me onto a bump. I was so nervous about doing it I had a partial miss. I got high but being the fiend that I am, I am pissed that I didn't feel the whole thing. It was a nice flavor though and I'll probably be able to get another hit before going to bed. I have a fresh bottle of vodka that helps me in asking for more as well as sleeping.
A fellow BL'er is correct though, if I rely on alcohol I'll just be replacing one addiction for another and alcohol withdrawal is harder. You can't become physically addicted to coke but the mental obsession is fucking hard (especially when you only get a piece of a free shot).