*** copied from BL journal ***
I'm starting to realize that the reason I would like to die is that i'm too lazy to live and too cowardly to face change. I'm an addict who always wants the easy way.
The thing is... ...I was clean for awhile (5 years), experienced (for an addict) tremendous success. I felt like a 'real' person. I was respected, sought after for advice, economically 'well-to-do', productive, efficient, etc. Life was supposedly great. Life wasn't livable this way for me. What the fuck!?!? Life isn't livable the way I'm more accustomed to, snorting, shooting, smoking, drinking and popping. Yeah, I see the extremes but, there is no middle-ground or 'balanced yin/yang' answer.
So, what's the fuckin' answer? There's no fucking answer. We enjoy our rushes and highs in some form or another and then die.
Yeah, I've been a positive influence on many. We keep a more accurate account of the positive impacts than the negative influences. What about the folks i've introduced coke to? What about the people I've stolen from? What about the girls whose emotions I've taken advantage of? What about that homeless guy who I made dance for $1? What about my family, my friends? I've done more negative than positive in this life. This leads me to believe that only good people are allowed to die. Assholes like me are made to suffer life until its ridiculous, miserable end. I've tried suicide many times. This tells me I have no choice but to live and suffer.
Fuck this shit. Can't even leave the fuckin' play when it obviously sucks.
I'm starting to realize that the reason I would like to die is that i'm too lazy to live and too cowardly to face change. I'm an addict who always wants the easy way.
The thing is... ...I was clean for awhile (5 years), experienced (for an addict) tremendous success. I felt like a 'real' person. I was respected, sought after for advice, economically 'well-to-do', productive, efficient, etc. Life was supposedly great. Life wasn't livable this way for me. What the fuck!?!? Life isn't livable the way I'm more accustomed to, snorting, shooting, smoking, drinking and popping. Yeah, I see the extremes but, there is no middle-ground or 'balanced yin/yang' answer.
So, what's the fuckin' answer? There's no fucking answer. We enjoy our rushes and highs in some form or another and then die.
Yeah, I've been a positive influence on many. We keep a more accurate account of the positive impacts than the negative influences. What about the folks i've introduced coke to? What about the people I've stolen from? What about the girls whose emotions I've taken advantage of? What about that homeless guy who I made dance for $1? What about my family, my friends? I've done more negative than positive in this life. This leads me to believe that only good people are allowed to die. Assholes like me are made to suffer life until its ridiculous, miserable end. I've tried suicide many times. This tells me I have no choice but to live and suffer.
Fuck this shit. Can't even leave the fuckin' play when it obviously sucks.