Lately I'm felt so eh or blah. Just emotionally flatlined and bored. Is this flat affect or what it means to feel and be "normal"? Is this what everyone else feels like? Idk maybe with BPD I NEED drama in my life even though I feel and claim to HATE drama. I just feel so bored and that isn't good for me. It can get me in trouble. I wonder what my Dr. would say. But I kinda don't want to go off the medication I'm on because I don't want to feel suicidal and depressed again, that is worse than feeling nothing. I used to take meds to deaden or feel nothing, now I don't like it. It might why I like Sean being around, one he usually makes me feel loved and in love and really happy, two, he can be really moody and shit and that causes drama for us. I don't feel less for him because he is like that, hell he puts up with me and I can be BEYOND moody.
My wrists are still hurting. I sprained both of them like 2 weeks ago. They hurt bad and I'm already on Naproxen for the headaches. That should have automatically fixed it. This is like the 3rd time I've sprained them both at the same time. It sucks. Because I'm usually wearing this ugly brace that is hard to do anything with, although it makes it hurt less because you don't move it as much. I wonder what people think at school a lot because one class I'll have it on my left wrist and in the second I'll have it on my right. Its just which one hurts the most at the time. I'd look so stupid and have too much of a hard time if I had braces on both. I wonder how long I should wait before going to the Dr., if I should go now since I'm already on Naproxen and taking medicine with Codeine and that's not making it hurt less. The other day I went to school and I didn't take notes at all, just wrote it one class on a short test and my wrist hurt SO bad for really no reason.
Sean is coming over today. It will be nice to see him and hug and kiss him. But he will have to sleep pretty much the whole time he is here. I'm staying up so hopefully I can sleep with him most of the time. I know that he needs to for work and he said he hasn't gotten enough sleep and he says he sleeps better here so hopefully that will help.
I do so much to prep before I see him. Making sure everything is perfectly clean and making sure I'm looking my best. I've always tried to do that with my bfs. I don't know why I feel the need to prove that I'm worth something and I can be a good partner. I guess it comes from my need to be loved. But I shouldn't have to always feel the need to prove myself. I bet if Sean knew how much I do, painting my nails his favorite color, having my hair how he likes it, scrubbing the bath tub because he gets a shower here, washing the bed...he would likely tell me its stupid and not to do it. But hey it makes Tuesday cleaning day I guess.
Noel ate some of the medicine I have for my headaches. He threw it back up thank goodness and I got a syringe and forced him to drink some water and he ate and stuff and seems just fine but I was worried about him. Thank goodness I don't have kids. I can be a bad pet owner sometimes, not that I mean to. I love my kitty. I worry about what kind of parent I will be.
Speaking of kids. I was thinking about losing my job and being a lil upset about it. I can't believe that happened. I would never hurt a kid on purpose. And the person that reported it didn't see if from my point of view. I was meaning to go to my boss and tell her what happened actually but they beat me to it, which looked bad. I had my boss and a family friend go to bat for me in front of the board and I still lost it and now I can't find a new job. I don't want to go back to Hy-vee that sucked, but I pretty sure that's what I'm going to have to do. I would be an obvious hire, as long as they aren't just picking older people that are losing their jobs and have families to support. I've worked there before and really advanced in at the one in Pella. Still don't wanna work there. I kinda wish I wouldn't have quit Hy-vee in pursuit of trying to find a job that made me happy.
Really I think that every job you get tired of sometimes. There are days that you just would rather stay home instead. I think even when I graduate and get the job I want as a therapist there will be days that I'm worn out or dealing with my own stuff and would rather not work. Can't really call in sick like I did a lot with my other jobs because not having therapy that week can be really traumatic for some clients or make them have to deal with more stuff alone, or set them back in their progress. I kinda told Sean how I felt about work. He seems rather disappointed that I didn't believe that there would be a job out there for him that he wants that will feel like doing a hobby than work. Work will always be work. Its a fact of surviving life.
That gets me thinking about what I learned recently about the theories of Karl Marx. I don't think he is crazy or as bad as people seem to think or say he is. Yeah he didn't see the development of the middle class or the outcomes of labor movements but he did predict globalization. If he saw the former Soviet Union or China he would say that wasn't what he was talking about. Just his ideas twisted for some one's advantage. Really we are seeing the emergence of the 2c class system with the middle class losing their jobs and really becoming the needy lower class. Now we could be a rising up against that and the rise of Socialism but its more likely that there will be a rising up and checks and balances placed on the Capitalist system. Obama does talk about the strengthening of the middle class though. Obama can't preform a miracle though, as much as we hope or think he can. I worry about entering a time like the Great Depression again. Is that weird for me to be worried about it like that? Perhaps getting out of this war would help. Seriously most people tend to forget about it until they watch the news or something. Is that worse than having something like people fighting against it like we have seen in the past. Perhaps its because we have reactivated the draft again like I thought Bush might do. That causes people not to worry about it as much because they aren't seeing their loved ones being forced into a war and losing them.
I'm thinking I better post all this before I lose it, my computer likes to eat shit I spend a lot of time on and don't feel like rewriting.
My wrists are still hurting. I sprained both of them like 2 weeks ago. They hurt bad and I'm already on Naproxen for the headaches. That should have automatically fixed it. This is like the 3rd time I've sprained them both at the same time. It sucks. Because I'm usually wearing this ugly brace that is hard to do anything with, although it makes it hurt less because you don't move it as much. I wonder what people think at school a lot because one class I'll have it on my left wrist and in the second I'll have it on my right. Its just which one hurts the most at the time. I'd look so stupid and have too much of a hard time if I had braces on both. I wonder how long I should wait before going to the Dr., if I should go now since I'm already on Naproxen and taking medicine with Codeine and that's not making it hurt less. The other day I went to school and I didn't take notes at all, just wrote it one class on a short test and my wrist hurt SO bad for really no reason.
Sean is coming over today. It will be nice to see him and hug and kiss him. But he will have to sleep pretty much the whole time he is here. I'm staying up so hopefully I can sleep with him most of the time. I know that he needs to for work and he said he hasn't gotten enough sleep and he says he sleeps better here so hopefully that will help.
I do so much to prep before I see him. Making sure everything is perfectly clean and making sure I'm looking my best. I've always tried to do that with my bfs. I don't know why I feel the need to prove that I'm worth something and I can be a good partner. I guess it comes from my need to be loved. But I shouldn't have to always feel the need to prove myself. I bet if Sean knew how much I do, painting my nails his favorite color, having my hair how he likes it, scrubbing the bath tub because he gets a shower here, washing the bed...he would likely tell me its stupid and not to do it. But hey it makes Tuesday cleaning day I guess.
Noel ate some of the medicine I have for my headaches. He threw it back up thank goodness and I got a syringe and forced him to drink some water and he ate and stuff and seems just fine but I was worried about him. Thank goodness I don't have kids. I can be a bad pet owner sometimes, not that I mean to. I love my kitty. I worry about what kind of parent I will be.
Speaking of kids. I was thinking about losing my job and being a lil upset about it. I can't believe that happened. I would never hurt a kid on purpose. And the person that reported it didn't see if from my point of view. I was meaning to go to my boss and tell her what happened actually but they beat me to it, which looked bad. I had my boss and a family friend go to bat for me in front of the board and I still lost it and now I can't find a new job. I don't want to go back to Hy-vee that sucked, but I pretty sure that's what I'm going to have to do. I would be an obvious hire, as long as they aren't just picking older people that are losing their jobs and have families to support. I've worked there before and really advanced in at the one in Pella. Still don't wanna work there. I kinda wish I wouldn't have quit Hy-vee in pursuit of trying to find a job that made me happy.
Really I think that every job you get tired of sometimes. There are days that you just would rather stay home instead. I think even when I graduate and get the job I want as a therapist there will be days that I'm worn out or dealing with my own stuff and would rather not work. Can't really call in sick like I did a lot with my other jobs because not having therapy that week can be really traumatic for some clients or make them have to deal with more stuff alone, or set them back in their progress. I kinda told Sean how I felt about work. He seems rather disappointed that I didn't believe that there would be a job out there for him that he wants that will feel like doing a hobby than work. Work will always be work. Its a fact of surviving life.
That gets me thinking about what I learned recently about the theories of Karl Marx. I don't think he is crazy or as bad as people seem to think or say he is. Yeah he didn't see the development of the middle class or the outcomes of labor movements but he did predict globalization. If he saw the former Soviet Union or China he would say that wasn't what he was talking about. Just his ideas twisted for some one's advantage. Really we are seeing the emergence of the 2c class system with the middle class losing their jobs and really becoming the needy lower class. Now we could be a rising up against that and the rise of Socialism but its more likely that there will be a rising up and checks and balances placed on the Capitalist system. Obama does talk about the strengthening of the middle class though. Obama can't preform a miracle though, as much as we hope or think he can. I worry about entering a time like the Great Depression again. Is that weird for me to be worried about it like that? Perhaps getting out of this war would help. Seriously most people tend to forget about it until they watch the news or something. Is that worse than having something like people fighting against it like we have seen in the past. Perhaps its because we have reactivated the draft again like I thought Bush might do. That causes people not to worry about it as much because they aren't seeing their loved ones being forced into a war and losing them.
I'm thinking I better post all this before I lose it, my computer likes to eat shit I spend a lot of time on and don't feel like rewriting.