I've just gotten out of class, behavior modification. I'm trying to modify my bf's drinking behavior just because well 1. it bothers me 2. I care and sadly it seems like no one does, no one pushes him, he had said that he thanks me for it and values it so I guess idk he sees that I see something in him and care about him 3. He has admitted that it needs to be changed.
But I've spent just the whole class period thinking about it and its getting to me. I think some k-pins might be in order to prevent a panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with my brain someday. I was on the second floor of the library and you can look down. I did and its a bit down, it took my breath away and I just stood there. Looking at the concrete floor with a sick intentment. Know, well shit that won't kill you..it took someone walking around until I kinda snapped out of it. Perhaps that why I feel panic like, too my breath away and thats a sign of a panic attack.
But also, as soon as I got up there, intent to do a lot of the back reading I need to go before class. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sean and the alcohol. Is this hopeless? Will be ever be able to clean up the mess that I just can't for him? I can't, all I can do is motivate him and he just gives up so easy. He just seems so disillusioned (please excuse the spelling and typos I don't have my regular spell checker here at school) with life. He hates his job, he hates his parents. Hes so reserved and quiet that I feel like I'm the only one he talks to. Not sure why..perhaps because I was the one to open up about everything first. I just feel so sad for him sometimes, that he seems so unhappy. Maybe he is unhappy with me...he never says he missed me or he cares about me any more. Not like he used to. Calls less and sees me less. Although I've been told that I get really paranoid about things like this. Just lil things and go on about all this means its going to be like the rest. I can't save it on my own. I don't think I can be motivated to even try now...and out of the blue he is going to leave.
Maybe it could get to the point that I have to leave. That I am just so drained that I can't do it anymore. I mean sometimes I see him and he can be downright disrespectful of me. Drinking in my car which puts me at risk of a ticket. Thinking that he can drive better drunk in the snow than I can sober. That may be true, but driving MY car, drunk and without a license...is putting ME at risk. I mean does he really even car or this just trait behavior or something that can be modified? I just get to thinking about it and I get to thinking that he isn't as great as I think he is. Perhaps I'm depressed or perhaps my eyes are starting to open after the honeymoon stage.
He can get so moody, almost depressed about life, pissy and the alcohol really bothers me. Although I feel bad saying that since I'm a Tramadol user, irresponsible at times, risking seizures and addiction and shit, but I almost think its different. He just wants me off it because I abuse it and is afraid of me having to deal with w/d. But then again typing that I feel that maybe its more of the same.
I told him that if he had to work on this drinking thing then he could pick anything he wanted for me to work on. I would have bet money it was going to be the Tramadol but no, its the food. Which is almost as hard. I don't have the desire to eat although since I will try to modify his behavior...trying more subtle than I intended and if that doesn't work more direct...but I'm putting my foot down about the drinking in my car. Its my car and I said no. However I don't know how much he is going to fight me on it. I was going to say that I will pull over and make him dump the beer out if he opens it, but shit I'm pretty sure that I can't stick to that bottom line...why make something you aren't going to stick to. Go for Intervention on A&E I guess. Thats what they say.
I still feel the panic rising in my chest, feeling short of breath, shaky, almost brought to tears. I hate having these. I try to fight them and I can sometimes. Sean can see them coming on and I'm thankful for that really I am. I'm so thankful that he has trusted me as much as he does, even though perhaps he knows that I don't truly trust him. I don't. I can't. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I want him to leave me if he is unhappy or whatever, but its going to hurt and as much as we think long term and say that's what we are looking for, days that I see it like this and get paranoid, I don't see it happening for me. Who would ever want me ya know...I mean he puts up will all the mental illness, but he has also said...how can I love someone that I'm not sure will be there the next day? My stupid ass comment was, well you just want me to get it over with so you don't have to worry about it? I'm not good off my meds...
Things I am or need to work on:
My view of the world and my relationship with it and other people. Paranoia. catastohesizing (ok that was my pathetic attempt at spelling, this makes me feel stupid. I'm editing this later...)
Food. Trying to eat, even though its about the last thing I want to do. I have about 20 pds to gain to be at a healthy weight.
Catching up on my homework rather than putting it off until the test comes up.
So modification of my own behavior. I annoy myself sometimes. I'm loud, and sometimes rather annoying. With Sean being so reserved, he keeps his personal life personal and he wants that to be true of stuff about us too. So I need to keep my mouth shut and respect that. BL is venting. I ALWAYS say the wrong thing if there is a woman in the room. Just seemingly go out of my way to insult them. Sean is very quick to point that out. One I think he feels that I make an ass out of myself and I do, but also he sees that I lack friends, especially women...shit if I can understand them and he wants that for me. Perhaps he wants me to be less fixated on him...be more distance and less needy like he is with me...maybe I'm just fucking this up. But I do want to be around him and feel cared for and happy. Is that so wrong? Needy, yeah thats me. Crash and burn of relationships no doubt. If I could control it better I could, sometimes it gets almost compulsive. Yeah, I talk to much in class, who cares about my input all the time and actually I have felt ppl be annoyed with me. Or I'm just paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes me and is out to hurt me. I have no idea. But I'm sure I can be annoying as hell. Shut up and let someone else talk... I talk way to loud on the phone. Uh I pretty much hate who I am I guess. Feel that I'm going to be alone forever unless I change the thoughts, the behaviors, neediness, the actions. I can blame it all on BPD...but everyone has heard that. And I have to fix it.
I know I need to get into therapy. But being set to Sean's 3rd shift because that is the only time he is awake to text me isn't helping. I can't get up.
Also I need to find a job. So I hate it, times suck. Sean goes to a job he hates. I'm going to end up broke. Get over it.
I've worked really hard on the cutting because I can't stand to disappoint Sean. 1. If I hide it he will be upset and 2. its not like I can really hide it. But the urges haven't left me.
Need to get off Tramadol. But I don't want to really. But if my mom sees me all out of it on it again I'm going to be in trouble and Sean doesn't like it and its costing me $100s of dollars.
Maybe I need a change in meds. Flatline to depression. Paranoid thinking maybe I have delusions and compulsions. Maybe I'm sicker than they think. Fuck I have no idea. Everyone is fucked up, I'm just more than most, most days.
I know there is more shit like sleeping when I need to be and less BLing and doing what I need to and shit like that. There is so much in my own life that needs fixed who am I to try to make Sean change.
I'm currently just depressed and filled with a lot of self hatred, I'm not sure why...I guess I saw myself talking to much and once I get on one thing I don't like then I can find more. This isn't even going into my living with my parents or the way I look or any of that shit that I also hate.
I hate the way I look, act, think, live...
shit is that a way to live at all?
I should get my shit around to go to class. Another class sounds horrible, plus the drive home. Someone put me out of my fucking emo miserable existence. No wonder no one wants to be around me, not even Sean...he didn't come yesterday, no talk of weekend plans at all...I don't even want to be around me. I'm done..
But I've spent just the whole class period thinking about it and its getting to me. I think some k-pins might be in order to prevent a panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with my brain someday. I was on the second floor of the library and you can look down. I did and its a bit down, it took my breath away and I just stood there. Looking at the concrete floor with a sick intentment. Know, well shit that won't kill you..it took someone walking around until I kinda snapped out of it. Perhaps that why I feel panic like, too my breath away and thats a sign of a panic attack.
But also, as soon as I got up there, intent to do a lot of the back reading I need to go before class. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sean and the alcohol. Is this hopeless? Will be ever be able to clean up the mess that I just can't for him? I can't, all I can do is motivate him and he just gives up so easy. He just seems so disillusioned (please excuse the spelling and typos I don't have my regular spell checker here at school) with life. He hates his job, he hates his parents. Hes so reserved and quiet that I feel like I'm the only one he talks to. Not sure why..perhaps because I was the one to open up about everything first. I just feel so sad for him sometimes, that he seems so unhappy. Maybe he is unhappy with me...he never says he missed me or he cares about me any more. Not like he used to. Calls less and sees me less. Although I've been told that I get really paranoid about things like this. Just lil things and go on about all this means its going to be like the rest. I can't save it on my own. I don't think I can be motivated to even try now...and out of the blue he is going to leave.
Maybe it could get to the point that I have to leave. That I am just so drained that I can't do it anymore. I mean sometimes I see him and he can be downright disrespectful of me. Drinking in my car which puts me at risk of a ticket. Thinking that he can drive better drunk in the snow than I can sober. That may be true, but driving MY car, drunk and without a license...is putting ME at risk. I mean does he really even car or this just trait behavior or something that can be modified? I just get to thinking about it and I get to thinking that he isn't as great as I think he is. Perhaps I'm depressed or perhaps my eyes are starting to open after the honeymoon stage.
He can get so moody, almost depressed about life, pissy and the alcohol really bothers me. Although I feel bad saying that since I'm a Tramadol user, irresponsible at times, risking seizures and addiction and shit, but I almost think its different. He just wants me off it because I abuse it and is afraid of me having to deal with w/d. But then again typing that I feel that maybe its more of the same.
I told him that if he had to work on this drinking thing then he could pick anything he wanted for me to work on. I would have bet money it was going to be the Tramadol but no, its the food. Which is almost as hard. I don't have the desire to eat although since I will try to modify his behavior...trying more subtle than I intended and if that doesn't work more direct...but I'm putting my foot down about the drinking in my car. Its my car and I said no. However I don't know how much he is going to fight me on it. I was going to say that I will pull over and make him dump the beer out if he opens it, but shit I'm pretty sure that I can't stick to that bottom line...why make something you aren't going to stick to. Go for Intervention on A&E I guess. Thats what they say.
I still feel the panic rising in my chest, feeling short of breath, shaky, almost brought to tears. I hate having these. I try to fight them and I can sometimes. Sean can see them coming on and I'm thankful for that really I am. I'm so thankful that he has trusted me as much as he does, even though perhaps he knows that I don't truly trust him. I don't. I can't. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I want him to leave me if he is unhappy or whatever, but its going to hurt and as much as we think long term and say that's what we are looking for, days that I see it like this and get paranoid, I don't see it happening for me. Who would ever want me ya know...I mean he puts up will all the mental illness, but he has also said...how can I love someone that I'm not sure will be there the next day? My stupid ass comment was, well you just want me to get it over with so you don't have to worry about it? I'm not good off my meds...
Things I am or need to work on:
My view of the world and my relationship with it and other people. Paranoia. catastohesizing (ok that was my pathetic attempt at spelling, this makes me feel stupid. I'm editing this later...)
Food. Trying to eat, even though its about the last thing I want to do. I have about 20 pds to gain to be at a healthy weight.
Catching up on my homework rather than putting it off until the test comes up.
So modification of my own behavior. I annoy myself sometimes. I'm loud, and sometimes rather annoying. With Sean being so reserved, he keeps his personal life personal and he wants that to be true of stuff about us too. So I need to keep my mouth shut and respect that. BL is venting. I ALWAYS say the wrong thing if there is a woman in the room. Just seemingly go out of my way to insult them. Sean is very quick to point that out. One I think he feels that I make an ass out of myself and I do, but also he sees that I lack friends, especially women...shit if I can understand them and he wants that for me. Perhaps he wants me to be less fixated on him...be more distance and less needy like he is with me...maybe I'm just fucking this up. But I do want to be around him and feel cared for and happy. Is that so wrong? Needy, yeah thats me. Crash and burn of relationships no doubt. If I could control it better I could, sometimes it gets almost compulsive. Yeah, I talk to much in class, who cares about my input all the time and actually I have felt ppl be annoyed with me. Or I'm just paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes me and is out to hurt me. I have no idea. But I'm sure I can be annoying as hell. Shut up and let someone else talk... I talk way to loud on the phone. Uh I pretty much hate who I am I guess. Feel that I'm going to be alone forever unless I change the thoughts, the behaviors, neediness, the actions. I can blame it all on BPD...but everyone has heard that. And I have to fix it.
I know I need to get into therapy. But being set to Sean's 3rd shift because that is the only time he is awake to text me isn't helping. I can't get up.
Also I need to find a job. So I hate it, times suck. Sean goes to a job he hates. I'm going to end up broke. Get over it.
I've worked really hard on the cutting because I can't stand to disappoint Sean. 1. If I hide it he will be upset and 2. its not like I can really hide it. But the urges haven't left me.
Need to get off Tramadol. But I don't want to really. But if my mom sees me all out of it on it again I'm going to be in trouble and Sean doesn't like it and its costing me $100s of dollars.
Maybe I need a change in meds. Flatline to depression. Paranoid thinking maybe I have delusions and compulsions. Maybe I'm sicker than they think. Fuck I have no idea. Everyone is fucked up, I'm just more than most, most days.
I know there is more shit like sleeping when I need to be and less BLing and doing what I need to and shit like that. There is so much in my own life that needs fixed who am I to try to make Sean change.
I'm currently just depressed and filled with a lot of self hatred, I'm not sure why...I guess I saw myself talking to much and once I get on one thing I don't like then I can find more. This isn't even going into my living with my parents or the way I look or any of that shit that I also hate.
I hate the way I look, act, think, live...
shit is that a way to live at all?
I should get my shit around to go to class. Another class sounds horrible, plus the drive home. Someone put me out of my fucking emo miserable existence. No wonder no one wants to be around me, not even Sean...he didn't come yesterday, no talk of weekend plans at all...I don't even want to be around me. I'm done..
