Relief? Doubt it

I'm not anywhere convinced that writing this out is going to make me feel better. I'm a mess. I think it could be that I don't take my meds. Miss one day and the next 2 or so go to hell.

My ex is just haunting me. I am reminded of him everywhere I go. It kills me. I was fine the 6 months before now when we weren't together. I was convinced I was better, stronger, indestructable, healthier, and happier. Now, I know I'm not. I'm the same pathetic person I ever was. It kills me that I've been replaced by some perfect Barbie.
Oh does she know how he can be? Perhaps she doesn't care that he would rather be stoned and alone than be near her. He doesn't do hiw own dishes or laundry. He has to have his space. Will constantly accuse her of cheating and emotionally abuse her if need be...or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I was the only one "special" enough to have such things.
He never had time to spend with me when we were together, but he has spent the WHOLE month of leave in North Carolina with her and just can't bear to leave.
I don't know why I can't seem to get over it all. I just wish I could force it all from my mind and concentrate on what I have.

Although that isn't much better. Sean and I can't spend 2 days together without fighting. I see much of my past relationship in it. I honestly think its all me. I don't have any idea how to have a productive relationship. I become so attacted to the person that I never want to leave them, want their attention and affection all the time and when I don't get enough I feel rejected, I can't stand to leave a fight unresolved and leave...not knowing if I will actually ever come back because that is how it has been before. I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I will do anything to prevent it. Even if I just apparently make it worse. Hell thats why I said in the abuse that I did and likely would go back to it. I'm so damn pathetic.

I'm trying to convince myself that I'm strong. Listening to Distrubed, provoking feelings of strength and anger rather than depression and a sadness that I can't explain, but its not working. I'm almost crying again. I just feel so tired, sick, at times when Sean and I are fighting I will just sink to the floor crying and just start staring at the wall, seperating myself from the situation as the feelings of dissociation, nausousness and dizziness overcome me. Its like I have a breaking point that I just can't handle it anymore. Thats where drugs used to come in but now there are none.

For now, as soon as the new debit card comes, I will have Tramadol. I HAVE to have that high again. I have to have some sort of crutch. I can't survive this world anymore alone. What else do I have?

Right now I'm just putting myself into isolation when possible so that perhaps I can get used to the pain of being alone again and I won't smother my bf anymore. That is what drove my ex to kick me out of the house after only a few months. "I was around too much." Sean and I don't live together...as he said last night "We are not married! We don't live together." God I am so worthless when it come to this. All I want is to always have someone there but thats not going to happen...

No, I don't feel any better. I feel more like shit. More like I will never have a long term meaningful relationship with someone that will understand me...well maybe because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm better off just ending it now. I don't have to suffer rejection, pain and heartache all over again and again and again. I don't have to push myself to the breaking point in school and work. I don't have to waste away to a shell of a human being, I'm already physically working on that. 20 minutes ago I said I was surprised I was suicidal....yet.

Well the current lyrics I hear kinda speak it...
"It seems the whole experience is
Terrible, and crippling!
The pain is much more than physical
Beyond belief, when we’re alone!
Typical, enough for me!
That I burn inside in agony!
What power will enable me
To make this decision!
Despair has fallen over me
The way to hide the agony
Embracing my calamity
To save myself, once and for all!

In a world that I don’t wanna know
With the message that I never wanna send
To be freed from all of this
I want you to quicken my end!
Don’t tell me I cannot go
With a wound that refuses to mend!
Deliver me from all of this
I want you to quicken my end"

 

I don't know if listening to angry music would be helpful. Aggression is not strength, it's usually something that stems from insecurity. Personally, I quite like a bit of Beethoven for something uplifting, his 9th Symphony, or some of his other later works.

Whenever I hear about your boyfriend issues, I just want to yell: "you shouldn't need anyone else!" I understand that you think differently than I do, but why is it that you a) feel that you need to always have a boyfriend and b) you need to always be around your boyfriend?

 

I hate and fear being alone. If everyone you ever loved left you...you might be a lil fucked too. BPD fucked me up SO SO bad. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO FIX IT. Can't get into therapy, so its like eat your meds and deal with it.

Dave, Spork and random others, thank you for reading my blog. It makes me feel like I exist, like someone cares. Sometimes I wonder if I will just fade into the background and disappear.

 

I wish there was something I could do or say that would fix you and make you all better, but unfortunately all I can offer is my experience. I've had boyfriend issues just like you for sure and get this: I didn't even need to be around them 24/7! I'd worship the ground they walked on, let them have their freedom because I need mine too, but eventually, when all was said and done I got dumped because (as I didn't realize until much later) I was throwing myself at them.

It wasn't often I had a man I really, really loved. When I was all hot for Scott, I had the perfect figure, wore the perfect clothes, I loved being with him, he enjoyed being with me. I loved having sex with him and he was always wantin some from me, but one day this other woman came along.

Now granted she was 16 years younger than I was. She was 24 and I was 40, but at 40 I had been the prettiest and sexiest I'd been my entire life. Guys wanted me all the time, but all I wanted was Scott. I was prettier than Vanessa, more honest, and sweeter to him than she was.

He kept me around, but he fell in love with Vanessa who didn't love him at all. All she carred about was his bag. I couldn't figure out WHY he would choose her over me and I don't know, but 4 years after the fact, what the attraction was, was the fact she was more of a challenge and in the end he got hurt because she didn't love him.

I don't hold any grudges against Vanessa because in the end it wasn't her fault he chose her over me. I've had this recurring theme with other men too. I apparently was too devoted, too needy. And face it, damaged people attract other damaged people, but when you have 2 damaged people, you can't have a healthy relationship.

I would recommend therapy for you every day, like Mon thru Fri for a while to help you sort all this horrific pain out. In Cali, there are these student therapists you can go to and they only charge a sliding scale fee. The ironic thing is years later when I had to do all the writing for the Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, was I able to clearly see my mistakes in all types of relationships, enabling me to stop getting hurt over and over again.

As you know I relapsed on tramadol, so I'm certainly no spiritual guru. My weakness has been geared way more to drugs than to people, but I'm taking steps to correct the situation. I recommend uplifting music and writing to help you and prayer. I don't know if what I've said makes a damn bit of difference or help to you, but I'm writing from my heart. God bless you. Hugs. I wish I could take away your pain.

 

I live in the middle of no where. I have burnt out or resent the therapists here. Its a half hour drive to see the new one, I make the drive twice a week for school anyway but I can't get in to save my life..I'm pretty much losing all hope. Somedays its just finding the guts to end it all but in the end I care too much about other people. I'll suffer if they are happy, honestly right there is the story of my life.

 

You've got major depression issues going on, please get help!

 

I do try to get help!!! I'm on medication. I missed a day. I TRY to get therapy appt.

 

It's okay PT, we know you're trying. You've mentioned that things get really rough really quickly when you miss your meds. Keep hanging in there, keep with the meds and keep trying to find a good therapist. Even though we've never met you, there are many people who want to see you get well, and who wish you peace and happiness.

Do try to work on the self-talk though. Please. It really does help, it just takes a while and a lot of effort and attention.

Be well.