Well, I had a couple little setbacks. I think I mentioned that last time. So at 7pm today marked 4 full days from that lil' snafu. The worst parts are over (again), and no, it's not okay to take a tiny bit of oxy in the middle of a detox. Really had to test the limits of that, I would definitely consider myself to be in the "learn everything the hard way" camp even though all signs point to DON'T BE A MORON.
Also knocked off the kratom experiments as I didn't feel anything but a weird caffeine pill (specifically that feeling, not like coffee) buzz from it and no real relief. I didn't ever take much, maybe a gram or 2 at once, so maybe you can argue that, but with all the chemicals floating around in my body I decided it wasn't worth it. Also, my bodega ran out of fucking Gatorade, which I will admit to tearing up at.
So, since starting this taper on Dec 27th, I *still* feel horrible. But it's just a tiny bit better. Yeah it's bounced back and forth and no I didn't do shit today, was sad to have missed the women's march, but it's OK.
Venting to my counselor with a crazed look in my eye last night about how bad I wanted to use actually felt GOOD after. And I am as cynical as they come. Still haven't made it back to any meetings since hitting reset on clean time, but I'm alright with it. I may even be alright with no maintenance meds. Going to take it minute by minute.
On a real silly sidenote, I realized I had not properly had a good cry in a while, and I mean like an all out wail-fest, and spent today properly mourning Robin Williams death by watching Good Will Hunting. If you need to cry, and need some help, just watch it again. It had been years since I've watched it and the floodgates opened.
Planning my next crying binge for Bowie, because I didn't cry as much as I should have over the past few years.
Also knocked off the kratom experiments as I didn't feel anything but a weird caffeine pill (specifically that feeling, not like coffee) buzz from it and no real relief. I didn't ever take much, maybe a gram or 2 at once, so maybe you can argue that, but with all the chemicals floating around in my body I decided it wasn't worth it. Also, my bodega ran out of fucking Gatorade, which I will admit to tearing up at.
So, since starting this taper on Dec 27th, I *still* feel horrible. But it's just a tiny bit better. Yeah it's bounced back and forth and no I didn't do shit today, was sad to have missed the women's march, but it's OK.
Venting to my counselor with a crazed look in my eye last night about how bad I wanted to use actually felt GOOD after. And I am as cynical as they come. Still haven't made it back to any meetings since hitting reset on clean time, but I'm alright with it. I may even be alright with no maintenance meds. Going to take it minute by minute.
On a real silly sidenote, I realized I had not properly had a good cry in a while, and I mean like an all out wail-fest, and spent today properly mourning Robin Williams death by watching Good Will Hunting. If you need to cry, and need some help, just watch it again. It had been years since I've watched it and the floodgates opened.
Planning my next crying binge for Bowie, because I didn't cry as much as I should have over the past few years.