I've been journaling over in sober living for a bit, and have decided to move my digital dumping here for the time being, as I'm feeling confused and don't want to fuck with peoples recovery.
I don't feel like typing out my historical list of drugs and failure, suffice to say I'm trying to kick a nasty oxy habit that I can?t quit like that one ex boyfriend I had for five years too many.
I have been mostly clean since January 4th. I got to around Day 6, ran into a stash and all my resolve melted away. I was able to flush half, then give away another half, but hung onto a few pills. Took those after, and went and had a fabulous dinner (I've been tapering since late December and have lost 15lbs.), and then woke up hating myself.
In the short term being on this message board and going to meetings is helping me not lose my mind. The millimeters of what I will call progress, are that I actually had any days where I did not use. I have skipped the last few nights in meetings and I'm not really sorry about it. I?m introverted and I have found them to be overwhelming. I will try and go back, but I need to pause a moment. Looking into other options.
Last night was not one of those nights where I was clean. I took the last of what I had and attended a birthday party, for someone who is a brother to me. I couldn't do it otherwise. The will is hardly here on a minute by minute basis. I fantasize about clarity and peace.
Experimenting with kratom. I had always avoided it, as I never know how I'll react to drugs (lsd, mescaline, cocaine, molly, weed, all have had varying results). I don't feel anything from it but I also figure I?m still detoxing since I keep slipping in little bits of oxy.
Tossed and washed a bit ago, a new strain. Powder I had ordered finally arrived. Don't know why people complain about the taste, as it tastes like the earth to me. Better than chewing on a bitter pill.
In an alcohol, Xanax, ambien and light oxy haze last night, (relax, I know my tolerances very well) i desperately googled nitrous oxide depression therapy. Ah, so silly.
On the cusp of considering Suboxone or Methadone. Will be talking to my therapist about it hopefully Friday. For now I tick off some more minutes.
I don't feel like typing out my historical list of drugs and failure, suffice to say I'm trying to kick a nasty oxy habit that I can?t quit like that one ex boyfriend I had for five years too many.
I have been mostly clean since January 4th. I got to around Day 6, ran into a stash and all my resolve melted away. I was able to flush half, then give away another half, but hung onto a few pills. Took those after, and went and had a fabulous dinner (I've been tapering since late December and have lost 15lbs.), and then woke up hating myself.
In the short term being on this message board and going to meetings is helping me not lose my mind. The millimeters of what I will call progress, are that I actually had any days where I did not use. I have skipped the last few nights in meetings and I'm not really sorry about it. I?m introverted and I have found them to be overwhelming. I will try and go back, but I need to pause a moment. Looking into other options.
Last night was not one of those nights where I was clean. I took the last of what I had and attended a birthday party, for someone who is a brother to me. I couldn't do it otherwise. The will is hardly here on a minute by minute basis. I fantasize about clarity and peace.
Experimenting with kratom. I had always avoided it, as I never know how I'll react to drugs (lsd, mescaline, cocaine, molly, weed, all have had varying results). I don't feel anything from it but I also figure I?m still detoxing since I keep slipping in little bits of oxy.
Tossed and washed a bit ago, a new strain. Powder I had ordered finally arrived. Don't know why people complain about the taste, as it tastes like the earth to me. Better than chewing on a bitter pill.
In an alcohol, Xanax, ambien and light oxy haze last night, (relax, I know my tolerances very well) i desperately googled nitrous oxide depression therapy. Ah, so silly.
On the cusp of considering Suboxone or Methadone. Will be talking to my therapist about it hopefully Friday. For now I tick off some more minutes.
Just letting you know, your blog is set to private, and I can only see this as I'm a mod. If you'd like to change it to public (all logged in users will then be able to read) and need any help - let me know.
