I don't know why I'm bothering to blog after what happened. All my life my journals and blogs have been used against me. As a kid I kept one on the computer and my brother went through it, printed and highlighted all my transgressions. The occasional swear word and my first REAL kiss. Of course it got deleted and all the evidence shredded.
Later I tried again. I wrote one entry just to get it out, and threw it away, maybe 14 at the time, my mother dug it out of the trash, read it and yelled at me for it.
Its little wonder how they never found all the entries that said how hopeless and suicidal I always was...
When myspace came around I blogged all the time. I wasn't on meds and soon my emotions changed on the hour so there might be several a day. My mother caught it on the screen one night and read it. She waiting until she was on vacation and I was home alone to tell me she read it and she was ashamed of how I lived my life. I believe that I was having sex was the issue. This led to a suicide attempt after that wonderful parenting text message.
I continued to blog and my bf was overseas. I would read them and often yell at me over my personal thoughts, causing some nasty fights.
I had thought that my bluelight blog would be safe since I don't know anyone who is on here IRL. Very few people even know the name BL. Here I could hold nothing back, the drugs, the thoughts, the problems and fears.
Oh how was I wrong when I learned that they were being published on another site for the amusement of others.
The anger, and trust me I was murderous has now faded to mistrust and sadness over what happened. I just don't understand how someone could be so cruel. Posts are one thing and I'd still be pissed but some one's blog?! Where they go away from the unkind and hurtful words to post their personal thoughts and fears. The things closest to their heart.
Hell I call it a "window into my mind and soul" and I kid you not.
Those of you that are reading are trusted not to hurt me with the information you read here. Please do not abuse this trust. If you feel that you might, please leave now.
Now for my actual entry now that I have gone over how often I've been screwed over by such things. I suppose I have no other trusted outlet where I can get some feed back. Now and then I post on myspace but I'm very careful about what I say and who reads it now.
I'm showing the classic signs of depression again. I dread this. It CAN'T be back. But it is, its only been a week or 2 tops but I'm not getting out of bed, I'm comfort eating, I'm having crying jags, I'm feeling suicidal, I'm not sleeping well. It seems that none of my meds are working anymore. I'm thinking perhaps I need to make an appt to go see the psych doc. Maybe I need a stronger dose. I would just do it my damn self since he said he was planning on going up in dose anyway but NO I can't do that. What a crock huh?
I'm wondering if I should say something to Sean about the meds not working. I did tell him it had been a rough week and so far he has responded with kindness. Maybe if he knows that I really feel like I have no handle on my emotions he will try to be understanding, but...its not an excuse to act like a psycho gf either.
I really can't wait to see him. I've tried to give him his space and not smother him and I have come to see so much value in just being near him. He says he doesn't understand why I feel the need to cuddle all the time (heard that one before in past relationships), well I think this might help. But also like he said, we aren't married, I WANT to be close to him. I just can't find a balence. I guess I just chalked it up to my ex being stoned all the time....
I missed him today and had things I wanted to tell him that I wrote him a letter. I know its mushy and stupid but I don't think its all that bad. Its thoughtful and personally I think its sad that the "love letter" has died out. I certainly would like to have something to be able to pull out when I'm having a hard time or my S.O. and I are having a hard time and be reminded that I'm cared for. Things like that I have always kept, be they e-mails or text messages. I doubt he will keep it but I think its a good way to get your thoughts and feelings out without interruption or distraction.
He has never written me a love letter but sent that text that meant so much... I recently found out that like a true Pisces he is gifted creatively. He draws and does great watercolor. He talked about maybe starting again, its been what...almost 1o years or something since he has done it, and doing a piece for me. I would like to encourage him to do something he enjoys. Other than video games and stuff. Something a little more well, productive
I kinda think that if a person has a gift they should not waste it. It is shameful to deprive the world of what you have to offer.
Here is another night with no sleep, even though I'm working days. I'm 6:30 in the morning and I'm working at 9. I'm pretty much running on caffeine and Ambien these days. I REALLY should try to get into a regular cycle, but time spent with Sean kinda throws me off, plus being unemployed for so long that I haven't adjusted yet, nor really tried.
Plus going to school at night sucks. I'm no longer motivated AT ALL. I don't go even though I could be dropped from the class. I put off the reading so that I'm so far behind that I'm kinda screwed and give up any reading, go skimming lecture notes and headings. But I don't worry about it too much. As when I'm good at it and know what I'm talking about and Bs when I don't.
I'm just worried about not finding a job when I get done. The economy is in the shitter, psych majors are popular and how can I be a counselor when I have my own issues? Will they even take me if I'm medicated?
I don't think my psych issues hinder me other than sometimes I get too wrapped up in it all. I can relate to others in ways that others can't. I know the solutions and the WAY to talk to people and I love helping people, I feel like its kinda my purpose in life...but I can't seem to help myself.
But isn't that how it goes. You know what you SHOULD do but you don't know HOW TO GET THERE. Like Sean says, I need OnStar.
I guess that is all I really have to say. I don't think writing it out really helped me. I don't think it ever really does. Although so many people say you should do it. I learned NEVER to look back on the old entries though, just full of bad harmful memories let me tell ya.
But anyway, the main reason I wrote this is just the concern for my mental health right now. I feel in the past week I have backslid to almost where I started from. Its scary. I don't know if its that I missed a day or two of meds and I haven't adjusted or if I need my dose changed. I'm unsure WHAT to do. I know one thing though. I need to try to get xanax, although a lost cause. I complain about the anxiety and the dr just brushes it off. Kpins are like nothing now, they don't help or perhaps I feel like they don't because I don't get the wave of calmness I did with Xanax. Also the Ambien, that needs doubled, BAD or I just wake up every 10 min. I tripled it the other night and woke up with a panic attack, stupid me, looking for SOME buzz.
Hopefully I can have some Tramadol midweek. Sean won't LIKE it but he said it just depended on how much. I don't even know if he can't tell when I'm KINDA high, really high, my eyes bug out of my head or try to look at the back of my skull lol. My ex always knew, the come up gave it away. I just could not shut the fuck up for the life of me. Ahh how I love that stuff. I SHOULD stay away from it before I get myself all wrapped up in it again, BUT my skin is crawling and I lack constructive coping skills. I would rather be high than cut and scar myself forever. Just don't go to work high, EVER. Learned that one the hard way. Although I basically work alone now, a lil high I doubt they would notice. Although my boss might get a lil on my ass. He knows I use, we are friends, but he has a psych degree and could pick out high. lol
enough random talking for now. shit, now I have to find something else to do before I have to caffeine up for work. Lets pray Sean will see me today...I could really just use some comfort after the week I've had.
Later I tried again. I wrote one entry just to get it out, and threw it away, maybe 14 at the time, my mother dug it out of the trash, read it and yelled at me for it.
Its little wonder how they never found all the entries that said how hopeless and suicidal I always was...
When myspace came around I blogged all the time. I wasn't on meds and soon my emotions changed on the hour so there might be several a day. My mother caught it on the screen one night and read it. She waiting until she was on vacation and I was home alone to tell me she read it and she was ashamed of how I lived my life. I believe that I was having sex was the issue. This led to a suicide attempt after that wonderful parenting text message.
I continued to blog and my bf was overseas. I would read them and often yell at me over my personal thoughts, causing some nasty fights.
I had thought that my bluelight blog would be safe since I don't know anyone who is on here IRL. Very few people even know the name BL. Here I could hold nothing back, the drugs, the thoughts, the problems and fears.
Oh how was I wrong when I learned that they were being published on another site for the amusement of others.
The anger, and trust me I was murderous has now faded to mistrust and sadness over what happened. I just don't understand how someone could be so cruel. Posts are one thing and I'd still be pissed but some one's blog?! Where they go away from the unkind and hurtful words to post their personal thoughts and fears. The things closest to their heart.
Hell I call it a "window into my mind and soul" and I kid you not.
Those of you that are reading are trusted not to hurt me with the information you read here. Please do not abuse this trust. If you feel that you might, please leave now.
Now for my actual entry now that I have gone over how often I've been screwed over by such things. I suppose I have no other trusted outlet where I can get some feed back. Now and then I post on myspace but I'm very careful about what I say and who reads it now.
I'm showing the classic signs of depression again. I dread this. It CAN'T be back. But it is, its only been a week or 2 tops but I'm not getting out of bed, I'm comfort eating, I'm having crying jags, I'm feeling suicidal, I'm not sleeping well. It seems that none of my meds are working anymore. I'm thinking perhaps I need to make an appt to go see the psych doc. Maybe I need a stronger dose. I would just do it my damn self since he said he was planning on going up in dose anyway but NO I can't do that. What a crock huh?
I'm wondering if I should say something to Sean about the meds not working. I did tell him it had been a rough week and so far he has responded with kindness. Maybe if he knows that I really feel like I have no handle on my emotions he will try to be understanding, but...its not an excuse to act like a psycho gf either.
I really can't wait to see him. I've tried to give him his space and not smother him and I have come to see so much value in just being near him. He says he doesn't understand why I feel the need to cuddle all the time (heard that one before in past relationships), well I think this might help. But also like he said, we aren't married, I WANT to be close to him. I just can't find a balence. I guess I just chalked it up to my ex being stoned all the time....
I missed him today and had things I wanted to tell him that I wrote him a letter. I know its mushy and stupid but I don't think its all that bad. Its thoughtful and personally I think its sad that the "love letter" has died out. I certainly would like to have something to be able to pull out when I'm having a hard time or my S.O. and I are having a hard time and be reminded that I'm cared for. Things like that I have always kept, be they e-mails or text messages. I doubt he will keep it but I think its a good way to get your thoughts and feelings out without interruption or distraction.
He has never written me a love letter but sent that text that meant so much... I recently found out that like a true Pisces he is gifted creatively. He draws and does great watercolor. He talked about maybe starting again, its been what...almost 1o years or something since he has done it, and doing a piece for me. I would like to encourage him to do something he enjoys. Other than video games and stuff. Something a little more well, productive
I kinda think that if a person has a gift they should not waste it. It is shameful to deprive the world of what you have to offer. Here is another night with no sleep, even though I'm working days. I'm 6:30 in the morning and I'm working at 9. I'm pretty much running on caffeine and Ambien these days. I REALLY should try to get into a regular cycle, but time spent with Sean kinda throws me off, plus being unemployed for so long that I haven't adjusted yet, nor really tried.
Plus going to school at night sucks. I'm no longer motivated AT ALL. I don't go even though I could be dropped from the class. I put off the reading so that I'm so far behind that I'm kinda screwed and give up any reading, go skimming lecture notes and headings. But I don't worry about it too much. As when I'm good at it and know what I'm talking about and Bs when I don't.
I'm just worried about not finding a job when I get done. The economy is in the shitter, psych majors are popular and how can I be a counselor when I have my own issues? Will they even take me if I'm medicated?
I don't think my psych issues hinder me other than sometimes I get too wrapped up in it all. I can relate to others in ways that others can't. I know the solutions and the WAY to talk to people and I love helping people, I feel like its kinda my purpose in life...but I can't seem to help myself.
But isn't that how it goes. You know what you SHOULD do but you don't know HOW TO GET THERE. Like Sean says, I need OnStar.
I guess that is all I really have to say. I don't think writing it out really helped me. I don't think it ever really does. Although so many people say you should do it. I learned NEVER to look back on the old entries though, just full of bad harmful memories let me tell ya.
But anyway, the main reason I wrote this is just the concern for my mental health right now. I feel in the past week I have backslid to almost where I started from. Its scary. I don't know if its that I missed a day or two of meds and I haven't adjusted or if I need my dose changed. I'm unsure WHAT to do. I know one thing though. I need to try to get xanax, although a lost cause. I complain about the anxiety and the dr just brushes it off. Kpins are like nothing now, they don't help or perhaps I feel like they don't because I don't get the wave of calmness I did with Xanax. Also the Ambien, that needs doubled, BAD or I just wake up every 10 min. I tripled it the other night and woke up with a panic attack, stupid me, looking for SOME buzz.
Hopefully I can have some Tramadol midweek. Sean won't LIKE it but he said it just depended on how much. I don't even know if he can't tell when I'm KINDA high, really high, my eyes bug out of my head or try to look at the back of my skull lol. My ex always knew, the come up gave it away. I just could not shut the fuck up for the life of me. Ahh how I love that stuff. I SHOULD stay away from it before I get myself all wrapped up in it again, BUT my skin is crawling and I lack constructive coping skills. I would rather be high than cut and scar myself forever. Just don't go to work high, EVER. Learned that one the hard way. Although I basically work alone now, a lil high I doubt they would notice. Although my boss might get a lil on my ass. He knows I use, we are friends, but he has a psych degree and could pick out high. lol
enough random talking for now. shit, now I have to find something else to do before I have to caffeine up for work. Lets pray Sean will see me today...I could really just use some comfort after the week I've had.
