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I once had a dream after thinking of this compound I called GREEN
(3-methylmethamphetamine).
It was an interesting dream. Elton and James were there. They were intrigued by it, to say the least.
(3-methylmethamphetamine).
It was an interesting dream. Elton and James were there. They were intrigued by it, to say the least.
He is a polite, reasonable man. He took you under his wing. He is here helping of pick up the pieces that you left.
I have already asked for too much from him. He has seen of hospitalised three times already for shit like this. Now his company is enough to see me through the pain of abandonment.
He is the type of solid, dependable men that dont exist in my generation.
I miss you. But I miss my dad more.
I have already asked for too much from him. He has seen of hospitalised three times already for shit like this. Now his company is enough to see me through the pain of abandonment.
He is the type of solid, dependable men that dont exist in my generation.
I miss you. But I miss my dad more.
i'm new to this site and when i found it i was really happy because i thought i would meet some people in my area who had some of the same interests as me. it would have been great but most of the people are from jersey and nyc..i live in the syracuse area right now and i have to say, growing up in pittsburgh pa, it's a pretty lame city so far. joining the military is what brought me out of pittsburgh and into the syracuse area..so far everything has been pretty good, just miss the drugs that were around pittsburgh...send me a friend request if you are around my area.....here's my myspace...www.myspace.com/bstefan2005
it has been a long past two days - over bull shit . .
two days of nothing but drinking twas pretty magical
after an all day experience i watched had my eyes closed and i was seriously seeing the most vivid shadows or light figures as if i were really there. not sure if this was an after effect of vomiting or just and experience of an all day adventure.
walking to the meeting i was thinking about the fast making decisions i would have to make. depending on the result of the meeting of course.
thoughts about what to sell to for money to get the f out and begin the debate if i could handle another adventure of starting over. <-- this was the original reason for the two day drunken days.
after sobering up i got up and got meetings done saving my ass, i celebrated by going to the china buffet and watched the loads of people fill up they're plates with foreign objects. . thinking all was over. then i get home and get a phone call saying that i need to get a new apartment by the end of July. ahhh shit! if it is not one thing there is always another thing. but this can be a good thing considering i am paying a ridiculous amount for power.
huge learning experience that's all i got to say
basically i got told by co-workers that i drink way to much lol ahh if they only knew the truth as to why it is that way. although these choices are mine and mine alone i suppose. . . but i guess i will chill for a while due to the fact i need to save money for the new palace!
two days of nothing but drinking twas pretty magical
after an all day experience i watched had my eyes closed and i was seriously seeing the most vivid shadows or light figures as if i were really there. not sure if this was an after effect of vomiting or just and experience of an all day adventure.
walking to the meeting i was thinking about the fast making decisions i would have to make. depending on the result of the meeting of course.
thoughts about what to sell to for money to get the f out and begin the debate if i could handle another adventure of starting over. <-- this was the original reason for the two day drunken days.
after sobering up i got up and got meetings done saving my ass, i celebrated by going to the china buffet and watched the loads of people fill up they're plates with foreign objects. . thinking all was over. then i get home and get a phone call saying that i need to get a new apartment by the end of July. ahhh shit! if it is not one thing there is always another thing. but this can be a good thing considering i am paying a ridiculous amount for power.
huge learning experience that's all i got to say
basically i got told by co-workers that i drink way to much lol ahh if they only knew the truth as to why it is that way. although these choices are mine and mine alone i suppose. . . but i guess i will chill for a while due to the fact i need to save money for the new palace!
These are drugs I've taken at least two or more times...
Marijuana my baby, turned on me, though, in Spring 07, then back to good in Summer 10
Mushrooms my psychedelic ilk, the earthy tones
Opium first, if inexperienced, brush with narcos
Hashish tasted like bread, my friend bought it at a Shakedown street before a Phish show
Adderall tried it freshman year at college, snorted, to help study longer
Hydrocodone Vicodins ahoy!
Alprazolam first prescribed 0.25mg, came back and roped some 1mg pills from then on
Carisoprodol ate more of these pills than any other pill, perhaps more than all other pills combined
Codeine in Nurofen Plus, from New Zealand, illicit
LSD did two 1 1/2 blotter trips, and one odd, amphetamine-like threshold 1/2 blotter "trip"
Oxycodone welcome aboard the list, baby. one, if not my, favorite highs. in Percocets and OxyContins.
Heroin met up with the street stuff in time
Fentanyl vaporized the gel on tin foil cuts
EDIT: and add
DMT to the list. vaporized from tin foil. deepest psychedelic experience I've had. 10-4-10
Marijuana my baby, turned on me, though, in Spring 07, then back to good in Summer 10
Mushrooms my psychedelic ilk, the earthy tones
Opium first, if inexperienced, brush with narcos
Hashish tasted like bread, my friend bought it at a Shakedown street before a Phish show
Adderall tried it freshman year at college, snorted, to help study longer
Hydrocodone Vicodins ahoy!
Alprazolam first prescribed 0.25mg, came back and roped some 1mg pills from then on
Carisoprodol ate more of these pills than any other pill, perhaps more than all other pills combined
Codeine in Nurofen Plus, from New Zealand, illicit
LSD did two 1 1/2 blotter trips, and one odd, amphetamine-like threshold 1/2 blotter "trip"
Oxycodone welcome aboard the list, baby. one, if not my, favorite highs. in Percocets and OxyContins.
Heroin met up with the street stuff in time
Fentanyl vaporized the gel on tin foil cuts
EDIT: and add
DMT to the list. vaporized from tin foil. deepest psychedelic experience I've had. 10-4-10
I'm finally getting around to making my change entry.
I've been thinking about it a lot with going through old posts with the prunes and old journal entries and also with my 10th high school reunion coming up. I've changed a lot since I've joined Bluelight and even more since high school, even though it feels like not much has changed. I guess I still have a lot to look forward to in life, which is a good thing.
I've been thinking about it a lot with going through old posts with the prunes and old journal entries and also with my 10th high school reunion coming up. I've changed a lot since I've joined Bluelight and even more since high school, even though it feels like not much has changed. I guess I still have a lot to look forward to in life, which is a good thing.
There's so much truth in that quote. One's situation might change or even values over time, but the true essence of oneself is always present and always will be.The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Beaula Mae didn't want to go out dancing tonight b/c she's "with one of her girlfriends," but she said she'll call me if she changes her mind.
Other than that, I just had Quaker Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal with I Cant Believe Its Not Butter (made from olive oil), water, Domino sugar, and brown sugar. I drank tap water.
Not a bad meal at all.
Before that I bought a pack of Camel Frost cigarettes from my homme at the convenience store.
Other than that, I just had Quaker Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal with I Cant Believe Its Not Butter (made from olive oil), water, Domino sugar, and brown sugar. I drank tap water.
Not a bad meal at all.
Before that I bought a pack of Camel Frost cigarettes from my homme at the convenience store.
i'm 26.
i still don't know what to think of life. i remember when i was in elementary school and i thought "i don't have to do anything, but work at school, my life is long and i'll let it play out." granted i didn't think that prophetically, but that's the general idea. the older i get... middle school (grades 7-8) i thought to myself, wow. life's getting different. you start making that transition to the "real world" you learn what discipline is (if you're like me) you start making friends that you realize have lots to offer. you start realizing your place in life. you have a more extensive field to compare with.
high school comes, you realize now that if you haven't found your place in life, you're still ok, but getting short of time. i figured by that time. i'm still playing it by ear. why worry. i was a runner, a soccer player, a golfer (not organized, but in my own yard... pretty damn good at the time), a baseball player... i was smart (so i think). i had a lot to look forward to.
high school graduation comes... day 1.
since that day, i've realized, life's an adventure. it's not fun. not always. it CAN be fun, but you have to make of it what you want from it. i'm still learning. i still live at home with my parents. and you know what... people make fun of me all the time about it, but guess what. i love it. not because it saves me money. or whatever. but because i'm still relatively immature. i can't make and keep good relationships these days. i can't communicate with people without becoming extremely cynical. i need the honesty of my parents to keep me sane. add to that, my father has a herniated disc in his spine. mind you we own a good number of acres and we have a multiacre garden which we grown our own tomatoes, potatoes, pumpkins, 3 kinds of corn, lettuce, cabbage, squash, strawberries, cucumbers, cantelopes, etc... many more i can't think of now. point being, my help around this house is needed. my dad just had his 68th birthday and though his mind is as sharp as ever, his body is waring down. he needs me. my mom, she's a bit more independent, but you can tell she needs me too. i feel like she knows that with the problems in the economy and how my dad is, etc. she knows that life for me is better as it is, but she knows that if i want to leave i can. the problem is, i've been through so much with my parents that i can't imagine leaving them now.
i remember my dad coming home from the hospital after having to call 911 to get my mom to the emergency room. she passed out after some major blood loss. turned out she had cancer. when my dad told me that... we both cried. we hugged. bear in mind i'm not an affectionate person and neither is my dad... but we we naturally in an extremely emotional place at that time.
i don't even remember what i'm gettin at right now, but i wanna say. fuck what people think about living at home. i love it and i know my parents like having me here. i'm not a loser, i'm not a momma's boy fag that can't grow up and get the fuck out of the house. i love my parents, i know they need me, and i know that though i'm 26 years old, i still need them. i've made some mistakes in my life, and until i know i'm ready to be independent, i don't mind having my parents help pave the way. they never do too much for me, but they do enough to let me learn my lesson.
they're my rock. i love my parents. and i thank them for everything they've done for me.
i still don't know what to think of life. i remember when i was in elementary school and i thought "i don't have to do anything, but work at school, my life is long and i'll let it play out." granted i didn't think that prophetically, but that's the general idea. the older i get... middle school (grades 7-8) i thought to myself, wow. life's getting different. you start making that transition to the "real world" you learn what discipline is (if you're like me) you start making friends that you realize have lots to offer. you start realizing your place in life. you have a more extensive field to compare with.
high school comes, you realize now that if you haven't found your place in life, you're still ok, but getting short of time. i figured by that time. i'm still playing it by ear. why worry. i was a runner, a soccer player, a golfer (not organized, but in my own yard... pretty damn good at the time), a baseball player... i was smart (so i think). i had a lot to look forward to.
high school graduation comes... day 1.
since that day, i've realized, life's an adventure. it's not fun. not always. it CAN be fun, but you have to make of it what you want from it. i'm still learning. i still live at home with my parents. and you know what... people make fun of me all the time about it, but guess what. i love it. not because it saves me money. or whatever. but because i'm still relatively immature. i can't make and keep good relationships these days. i can't communicate with people without becoming extremely cynical. i need the honesty of my parents to keep me sane. add to that, my father has a herniated disc in his spine. mind you we own a good number of acres and we have a multiacre garden which we grown our own tomatoes, potatoes, pumpkins, 3 kinds of corn, lettuce, cabbage, squash, strawberries, cucumbers, cantelopes, etc... many more i can't think of now. point being, my help around this house is needed. my dad just had his 68th birthday and though his mind is as sharp as ever, his body is waring down. he needs me. my mom, she's a bit more independent, but you can tell she needs me too. i feel like she knows that with the problems in the economy and how my dad is, etc. she knows that life for me is better as it is, but she knows that if i want to leave i can. the problem is, i've been through so much with my parents that i can't imagine leaving them now.
i remember my dad coming home from the hospital after having to call 911 to get my mom to the emergency room. she passed out after some major blood loss. turned out she had cancer. when my dad told me that... we both cried. we hugged. bear in mind i'm not an affectionate person and neither is my dad... but we we naturally in an extremely emotional place at that time.
i don't even remember what i'm gettin at right now, but i wanna say. fuck what people think about living at home. i love it and i know my parents like having me here. i'm not a loser, i'm not a momma's boy fag that can't grow up and get the fuck out of the house. i love my parents, i know they need me, and i know that though i'm 26 years old, i still need them. i've made some mistakes in my life, and until i know i'm ready to be independent, i don't mind having my parents help pave the way. they never do too much for me, but they do enough to let me learn my lesson.
they're my rock. i love my parents. and i thank them for everything they've done for me.
my roommate's mom is visiting. its annoying, i feel like an outsider in my apartment...
she told me that she thought i gained weight. but that it looked good on me because of my height. and that my boobies finally got bigger. i was somewhat perplexed about how to respond.
more annoying is they keep switching to farsi. and his mom will say something in farsi, look at my roommate and wait for him to translate for me to respond. i think its silly cause she could just ask me herself in english.
also, he gave his mommy my favorite pillow. and she keeps telling me how he needs to get a wife and a nice house. i think she assumes i am a girl and therefore must agree with her views on things.
i just feel really out of place. now they are in the hall babbling about something in farsi and i am scared to go to my bedroom because i have to walk past them.
she told me that she thought i gained weight. but that it looked good on me because of my height. and that my boobies finally got bigger. i was somewhat perplexed about how to respond.
more annoying is they keep switching to farsi. and his mom will say something in farsi, look at my roommate and wait for him to translate for me to respond. i think its silly cause she could just ask me herself in english.
also, he gave his mommy my favorite pillow. and she keeps telling me how he needs to get a wife and a nice house. i think she assumes i am a girl and therefore must agree with her views on things.
i just feel really out of place. now they are in the hall babbling about something in farsi and i am scared to go to my bedroom because i have to walk past them.
I want to try to make it through this weekend without doing shit. Money and tolerance levels demand that I do so. The millionaire from last night sent me 4 more emails and IMs, so finally I said that's it, leave me alone. I've had guys offer me shit too from AFF, but there's always a price and I'm not willing to pay it. They tend to make it easy for me though the second they send me photos of them naked with their hard cocks. I don't want to see that until I like what's between the guy's ears, so it looks like I'll be flying solo, probably forever. I guess Mom is right. I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. I wish Erik lived closer, but he doesn't so I'll have to continue to love him from a distance. Hey it's all good. So I'll try to grab a nap then.
The chems were blissful the past few days. What makes it difficult is that my damn tolerance has gone through the roof. I did, however, manage to make my Rx painkillers last 2 wks instead of just one. That's a start. As for the other, I'm going to try to cut off shots as of tonight and abstain until Monday. That way I'll have 3 days off because I took the last 2 Tuesdays off work this month. It's hard to get back into the writing groove, the creative flow that I had when I left off 2 and 1/2 yrs ago. Mom is wondering why I never come out of my room lately, and obviously can't cop to the reason.. My new connect is cool and his shit is good. Too bad I can't fully enjoy it now, well take that back. If that were the case I'd NOT be going to work tonight cause I'd be spun too hard.
This dude from AFF who claims to be Greek, rich, 40, and live in my city has sent me like 6 emails getting all impatient and saying he'll be my sugar daddy, pay all my expenses if I fuck him. He had this disgusting picture of his long, thick cock on his profile and the state of mind I'm in these days, makes me wanna gag. I finally emailed him back saying I'm flattered and all he wants to be my sugar daddy, and trust me I sure as FUCK need money more than anything right now. Still, I have had offers to marry rich men and people tell me I'm still good looking enough to walk the streets if I had to or find some rich dude cause I guess people love the way I look. Thats something that no woman ever gets tired of hearing and yes, I'm thrilled.
Still, as I said on my questionaire, if forced to make a choice between poverty and living life otherwise the way I want or taking a high paying/high stress job or marrying a guy I sure as hell don't want to be married to, for me poverty is the lesser of 2 evils. I'm a free spirit, always have been, and that's sure not likely ever gonna change at this point or later in my life. There is a price to be paid for freedom, but fuck it, it's better than selling out. My time and my freedom are the 2 most valuable things in the world to me, other than being reasonably healthy. A demanding job or marriage would be too high maintainance for me and suck the life right out of me, WAY more so even than the drugs I take. I stopped by Aimee and Linda's last night. Didn't do much. Linda wanted me to come by and when I did, she and Aimee were all sleepy eyed and tired.
There was no point offering them any speed with Linda's tolerance, both of them needed sleep. So they put down a bed next to theirs and I took a nap for about 3 hrs. Mom called me and asked where I was. "Are you at the drug den?," same question every time. "Yes Mom, but I was asleep when you called. I'm taking a nap. I'll be home later." She continues to be suspicious as hell, although now I take annoying calls whereas over 2 yrs ago I didn't and I don't tweek and ditch work either. Learn from past mistakes. My connect had asked me to drive him to the store which I was happy to do, but even though I'd had shit like late that morning and it was already 9pm, there was enough in my system to get the paranoia to kick in whenever I'm forced to drive around anywhere not completely familiar. "You seem nervous. There's no need to trip. I'm not hot or anything."
I didn't bother explaining what the real problem was. I fucked up by forgetting to put my time sheets in the outgoing mail when I got home. The mail here normally doesn't come from anywhere between 2p-4pm, so naturally when I went out at 1:30pm, the fucker of course had already come and gone. This means little or no paycheck 2maro. Sigh. That sucks, I can survive, but I need the money. Having to fuck that gross looking 8" cock on AFF killed any horniness I might have had. One nice thing about walking the streets is that everyone had to play by my rules or no pussy, meaning 1/2 hr max for $80 a pop, no oral, hand job and sex with a rubber only. You can't exactly do that in a marriage or sugar daddy relationship. Would you believe that arrogant prick has called me on yahoo messenger 6 times and sent me 6 emails on AFF?
Fucking Christ, take a chill pill, dude. Is that desparate or what? I won't sell out or talk to him tonight, my time is so limited. Back to fucking work tonight. I can't believe how fucking fast my leisure time just flies by b4 it's time to go to work again, fuck. One of the down sides of meth is having so much fun on my own, then having 2 interrupt for work or some other responsibility. On the up side, what I love the most about meth is that it put the magic right back into my life, full force. I'm never bored on meth. I can stay holed up in one room for days on end if I have shit. That was so much fun when I had my apartment and had 6 months off work. Damn that was a blast. I wish I was rich just so I could kick back alone in my own world with my writing or hanging out at dope houses where the kind of family that lives there literally puts the FUN in dysfunction.
So Brendan continues to write, that's sweet of him. I told him it was ironic at how opposite we are from each other in lifestyle, but the net enabled him to see that there is more to me than being a dope fiend, not that we talked about it that much. Emotionally and sexually, however, I've mentally put seeing him out of my mind so have some degree of protection now, some mental distance. As for Erik, it saddens me sometimes that I can't just call him up and drive down the street to hang out and party with him once in a while, just like I get to do with Aimee and Linda. I know the whole family, 4 generations, on friendly terms with all of them, have partied with Gramma, Mom, and son. I am welcome there 24/7 and feel completely at home there. Great gramma, Linda's mom will be turning 90 next month and I only hope she continues to live a few years longer, she's healthy and all. Once she dies, Linda and Aimee will have to sell the house, take the money and move they said to Oregon, where it's cheaper to live. It saddens me to think about having to be without my only group of close using friends because once they go, I won't have anyone to talk to that understands what the fuck I'm about.
So I won't think about it. That's it for now. Must be getting ready for the salt mines, although yes I'm grateful to have even this low paying shit job that for the most part I like. I've gotten along very well with small groups of people in the work place at other companies, but have become spoiled in that most of the time I get to work alone. I'm a solitary creature by nature and work best alone anyway, plus graveyard is my natural body sleep/wake cycle. Before medical, when I was 21 or younger, it was freaken torture to have to get up and work days.
This dude from AFF who claims to be Greek, rich, 40, and live in my city has sent me like 6 emails getting all impatient and saying he'll be my sugar daddy, pay all my expenses if I fuck him. He had this disgusting picture of his long, thick cock on his profile and the state of mind I'm in these days, makes me wanna gag. I finally emailed him back saying I'm flattered and all he wants to be my sugar daddy, and trust me I sure as FUCK need money more than anything right now. Still, I have had offers to marry rich men and people tell me I'm still good looking enough to walk the streets if I had to or find some rich dude cause I guess people love the way I look. Thats something that no woman ever gets tired of hearing and yes, I'm thrilled.
Still, as I said on my questionaire, if forced to make a choice between poverty and living life otherwise the way I want or taking a high paying/high stress job or marrying a guy I sure as hell don't want to be married to, for me poverty is the lesser of 2 evils. I'm a free spirit, always have been, and that's sure not likely ever gonna change at this point or later in my life. There is a price to be paid for freedom, but fuck it, it's better than selling out. My time and my freedom are the 2 most valuable things in the world to me, other than being reasonably healthy. A demanding job or marriage would be too high maintainance for me and suck the life right out of me, WAY more so even than the drugs I take. I stopped by Aimee and Linda's last night. Didn't do much. Linda wanted me to come by and when I did, she and Aimee were all sleepy eyed and tired.
There was no point offering them any speed with Linda's tolerance, both of them needed sleep. So they put down a bed next to theirs and I took a nap for about 3 hrs. Mom called me and asked where I was. "Are you at the drug den?," same question every time. "Yes Mom, but I was asleep when you called. I'm taking a nap. I'll be home later." She continues to be suspicious as hell, although now I take annoying calls whereas over 2 yrs ago I didn't and I don't tweek and ditch work either. Learn from past mistakes. My connect had asked me to drive him to the store which I was happy to do, but even though I'd had shit like late that morning and it was already 9pm, there was enough in my system to get the paranoia to kick in whenever I'm forced to drive around anywhere not completely familiar. "You seem nervous. There's no need to trip. I'm not hot or anything."
I didn't bother explaining what the real problem was. I fucked up by forgetting to put my time sheets in the outgoing mail when I got home. The mail here normally doesn't come from anywhere between 2p-4pm, so naturally when I went out at 1:30pm, the fucker of course had already come and gone. This means little or no paycheck 2maro. Sigh. That sucks, I can survive, but I need the money. Having to fuck that gross looking 8" cock on AFF killed any horniness I might have had. One nice thing about walking the streets is that everyone had to play by my rules or no pussy, meaning 1/2 hr max for $80 a pop, no oral, hand job and sex with a rubber only. You can't exactly do that in a marriage or sugar daddy relationship. Would you believe that arrogant prick has called me on yahoo messenger 6 times and sent me 6 emails on AFF?
Fucking Christ, take a chill pill, dude. Is that desparate or what? I won't sell out or talk to him tonight, my time is so limited. Back to fucking work tonight. I can't believe how fucking fast my leisure time just flies by b4 it's time to go to work again, fuck. One of the down sides of meth is having so much fun on my own, then having 2 interrupt for work or some other responsibility. On the up side, what I love the most about meth is that it put the magic right back into my life, full force. I'm never bored on meth. I can stay holed up in one room for days on end if I have shit. That was so much fun when I had my apartment and had 6 months off work. Damn that was a blast. I wish I was rich just so I could kick back alone in my own world with my writing or hanging out at dope houses where the kind of family that lives there literally puts the FUN in dysfunction.
So Brendan continues to write, that's sweet of him. I told him it was ironic at how opposite we are from each other in lifestyle, but the net enabled him to see that there is more to me than being a dope fiend, not that we talked about it that much. Emotionally and sexually, however, I've mentally put seeing him out of my mind so have some degree of protection now, some mental distance. As for Erik, it saddens me sometimes that I can't just call him up and drive down the street to hang out and party with him once in a while, just like I get to do with Aimee and Linda. I know the whole family, 4 generations, on friendly terms with all of them, have partied with Gramma, Mom, and son. I am welcome there 24/7 and feel completely at home there. Great gramma, Linda's mom will be turning 90 next month and I only hope she continues to live a few years longer, she's healthy and all. Once she dies, Linda and Aimee will have to sell the house, take the money and move they said to Oregon, where it's cheaper to live. It saddens me to think about having to be without my only group of close using friends because once they go, I won't have anyone to talk to that understands what the fuck I'm about.
So I won't think about it. That's it for now. Must be getting ready for the salt mines, although yes I'm grateful to have even this low paying shit job that for the most part I like. I've gotten along very well with small groups of people in the work place at other companies, but have become spoiled in that most of the time I get to work alone. I'm a solitary creature by nature and work best alone anyway, plus graveyard is my natural body sleep/wake cycle. Before medical, when I was 21 or younger, it was freaken torture to have to get up and work days.
I am rather excited about the weekend. My boy and I are doing the mmcat and then it's my friend's birthday so we are smoking it's just gonna be a big party weekend. Unfortunately I work 2 separate part time jobs and I have to work open to close both Friday and Saturday. I don't really give a shit if I'm coherent at work or not. I'm just going to get fucked up and have a good time this weekend...and then I'm going to rinse and repeat next weekend. Except next weekend I plan on going to the club and eat me some discodust. MMM How exciting! I do believe this is the best time of my life so far. I'm going to go get my drugs sorted out for the weekend and pack my clothes.
Where would you like to live?
In a big city
What would be your dream house?
A spacious apartment
What's your dream job?
To make a living as a writer.
What's your dream vacation/getaway?
Ireland, Vancouver, or Las Vegas in the spring or summer.
If you could do anything what would it be?
To write and be well paid for doing what I love and promoting harm reduction/education to drug addicts, and to open my own small medical clinic and provide medical services to addicts needing services from unsafe/dirty IV use to those that can't afford to pay and offer free detox services. This is why I'd love to be rich, so I could afford to do what I love while providing helpful services to those that are in need of them.
How do you handle set backs to your dreams?
I try to keep a positive attitude, but in all honesty, while I've always worked for a living, career wise I've lacked this ambition that drives workaholics. I'm pretty lazy and impatient when it comes to career dreams, but in other areas tend to be more patient and less lazy. I tend to hold low paying jobs that I like rather than high paying ones that would render me no longer in the low income bracket. I do pray for guidance and ask The Source (God) for help when I'm really discouraged. I also write about what bothers me, that helps remove the negativity and enables me to laugh about whatever disappointments occur.
How important is it to share the same dreams as your partners?
It's important to have SOME things/dreams/goals in common or else the parties involved in a relationship tend to drift apart. Still, I admire and respect differences, as they sometimes tend to compliment one another. I've always tended to be more focused on writing or helping to educate others, or accept low paying jobs I love. My bf, on the other hand has the exact qualities I lack, being financially/career wise driven and successful, and while there is no way in the world I'd want his job or his life, I've always admired, appreciated, and respected his goals.
Tell us about some dreams & goals you recently realized.
To finish getting my shit together financially, and do the 2 dreaded things that require great effort, but would make life a lot easier once completed. In other words, stop avoiding certain things I hate being bothered with, and just somehow do them. Also, to learn how to utilize and discipline my mind enough to reprogram how I think when it comes to my weaknesses. This would enable me to live without the restrictions of financial difficulty, while retaining the creativity sober that seems to only come with chemical suggestion. I'm not a follower and not a leader by nature, but tend to find my path as I go along. While money is certainly important, I'm not willing to either work at a high paying job I hate or marry a rich man for his money. I'd rather be poor and happy rather than well off and have too much stress, little or no time to myself, or be in a marriage I don't want.
What is your ideal fantasy "date"?
Hooking up with a guy that arouses me intellectually, personality wise (most important) and completely hitting it off after an evening talking to him and being in his company. If he turns me on between the ears, physical attraction for me inevitably follows. Little romantic gestures, treating me like a lady outside the bedroom, yet attentive in the bedroom, and has a slow, sweet, sensual, and wild side.
What kind of relationship(s) do you want?
Affair, Discreet relationship, Activity pals, permanent part time friend/lover?
Where do you see yourself in a few years?
Good question. I'm a stickler for honesty, and I don't know. If I continue as I am, I'll be happy most of the time, as I am now, but still living with the restriction of too many bills, and a low paying job. On the other hand, if I finish fixing what I don't like about my life now, then I will be with fewer restrictions, have more freedom from more money, and be happy in all areas (for the most part) in life.
I journaled my inpatient treatment. I will post later when I have the chance.
as a drug treatment center, not the best. but, then, it was for mental health.
i'm outpatient now, for drug treatment. I want to get to the point where I don't want to do drugs. will that happen here? can't say. doubt it.
tripping right now. fun fun fun. we'll see if I pulled it off when j comes home... eh....
as a drug treatment center, not the best. but, then, it was for mental health.
i'm outpatient now, for drug treatment. I want to get to the point where I don't want to do drugs. will that happen here? can't say. doubt it.
tripping right now. fun fun fun. we'll see if I pulled it off when j comes home... eh....
so here's my blog where i bitch rant rave (well not rave) and generally vent concerning all the plastic people and moldy memories that constantly remind me that life as an means to and end is pointless. life is just a sequential journey through time with the no purpose except to enjoy the experiences granted to you by chance and whatever deity you do or do not believe exists. love yourself, love your family and always sing in the shower. as my first order of buisness here, i'll reveal my ugly mug to you, the unwashed masses of my bluelight so you can get a better picture of the challenges i have to face with a face like this 
surprise. dat sum saveyour?
surprise. dat sum saveyour?
Time is free falling backwards and I'm walking through a thick crowd of people at the club and I feel nothing but disgust for anyone blocking my access to the bathroom. I want to burn this place to the ground suddenly. My expression displaying no emotion as I walk calmly with Sara trailing behind me. A moment ago I was gonna get high in the bathroom in back of the dance floor but Sara pointed out the group of security guards right by the door and two girls going in at once might alert them.
Minutes before that and I'm dancing with Stacy and Val and staring at the large flat panel mounted on the wall behind another bar showing random clips of music videos mixed with clips of gay porn as techno vibrates through the club in invisible waves that reverberate over walls whose color is endlessly shifting with the beat of the music. I walk over to Sara who is smirking at some drunk retard who decided to grind on a go-go dancer pole installed close to the bar. Not only is she drunk but she is swiveling her generously proportioned hips out of sync with the music in an attempt to look seductive. What completely seals the deal is the fact that she is wearing a circa 1987 fanny pack which hops up and down her lumpy waste as she mindlessly grinds against the grimy looking pole.
I look at her with an expression that mirrors the same expression I get when I'm driving and start to wonder if I left the stove on.
Sara "She's wearing a fanny-pack. ha ha! Do you see this shit Kristen."
K: "I'm not sure what I'm seeing. I think I'm going into shock."
Sara: "ha ha."
K: "I knew I should have brought my leg-warmers. That's the fucking sexiest thing I've ever seen. I need to use the bathroom (my glance tells Sara I'm going to do drugs and she knows I'm asking if she wants to join me). I'm walking now through drunken college girls and shirtless sweaty gay men and even though I see the security guards it doesn't register until Sara taps my on the shoulder.
And Suddenly I'm standing in front of Brooks house where the birthday party is going on inside. Sara and Val are with me and we start walking toward the club. I suddenly realize we forgot someone.
K: "Where the fuck is Stacy, Val? Where the fuck is that bitch."
Val: "Oh shit. We have to turn around, she probably wondering where we went."
K: (annoyed) "Weren't you the one who asked her to come with us?"
Val: (looking like a guilty little kid) "yeah."
K: "FUCK"
Sara: (laughing) "OK, should we call her cell and tell her to meet us here and well wait for her? (were already halfway to the club when I realize Stacy was left behind.)"
K: "And tell her what? Meet us by the fucking palm tree next to the shitty car parked in front of the abandoned looking crack-house? That really narrows it down. How the hell is she gonna know which palm tree, which shitty car, or which cracked out looking house. Every fucking block looks the same."
Val and Sara are laughing hard at my sudden rage and I take a deep breath. Sara and I just did some lines in Brook's bathroom before we left and it along with the pill under my tongue are all dissolving into to me distilling into a pointing yet undirected anger but also a strange sense of over-confidence which comes across as meanness although I am not in reality angry at anyone or anything except perhaps myself. In fact I'm happy to be here, with my friends. I hate those long weeks spent completely alone and I am grateful to be invited but I cannot suspend my need for drugs. I cannot tell my body and mind to just wait it out, I'm too far gone and there is simply not the option of saying no or delaying the inevitable. I accept the inevitable. The inevitable is programmed into the multiple alarms on my cell phone which tell me when its time to swallow some benzodiazapines before withdrawal sets in and when I'm in the safe zone to dose on more amphetamine so at least I have a general idea of how much I've taken so I avoid overdosing. And discovering Sara tonight has made the inevitable a little more tolerable and her excitement and even her curiousity give me feel a little more alive.
"Nothing would ever change; nothing new could ever be expected. It had to end, and it did. now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things, and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out at me constantly, and I can count on nothing." - A Scanner Darkly
If this were a movie perhaps now you would watch the as the powder rushes out the bottom of a rolled up dollar and back into little orange lines on a mirrored surface. Perhaps you would see Sara's eyes open in slow motion as she leaned backwards and extended her arm taking the rolled bill from my hands. The camera would pan left as it captured her and I giggling and walking backwards out of the bathroom in slow motion to a perfectly synced soundtrack. Walking backwards through the house with technicolor tones, the house full of friends.And the camera would swing overhead and then pull out wide before zooming in to the couch we were sitting on. And now my eyes blink in slow motion as my mouth forms words unheard by the audience as I smile and lean in to tell Sara something. We have been sitting her talking for hours. She is asking me so many questions I start calling her the inquisitor. It makes me very nervous until she tells me something that changes everything. And shortly after she is watching left as I watch right to avoid discovery and in unison our heads tilt back and we both swallow a dose of slow death pulled from my purse. I open up more to her and she stops interrogating me (at least for a few minutes).
It's hours earlier now and she is firing questions at me in rapid succession about how I know that person or how I got to do work for this company or how I learned to do what I do. I decide she must be a recruiter. I get their emails everyday and their phone calls sound just as she does right now. I ask her if there will be a test later or if emailing her my resume would save her some time. She laughs it off saying she is just curious.
I don't trust her. I've learned living in California long enough to be wary of her attention. And in my mind I imagine her exending her hand, and as we shake hands I imagine her saying "Hi, My name is Sara. I was wondering how I can use you" as she smiles back at me warmly. I've seen so much fakeness in people that sadly now I expect it everytime I meet someone. I expect her to find out what I can do so she can manipulate me to her advantage. Why shouldn't thats exactly what I do at times. And with that said I'm typically extremely good at spotting it in others.
Yet I remain pleasant despite my growing mistrust and answer her questions honestly but with as little detail as possible. The thing is I WANT to trust her. I want to believe she simply enjoys talking to me. She is smart, funny, gorgeous, and a bit aggressive which I always find fascinating in others.
Minutes earlier and I'm glaring at Valentina standing in front of the counter full of food drinking her bud-light/Clamato as I explain to her that she is drinking shellfish. And a gorgeous girl with dark silky hair that's been glancing at me leans over the counter on the opposite side as she lays down a warm tray containing round play-doh looking objects and half are topped with a single piece of Edemame.
Minutes before that and I'm dancing with Stacy and Val and staring at the large flat panel mounted on the wall behind another bar showing random clips of music videos mixed with clips of gay porn as techno vibrates through the club in invisible waves that reverberate over walls whose color is endlessly shifting with the beat of the music. I walk over to Sara who is smirking at some drunk retard who decided to grind on a go-go dancer pole installed close to the bar. Not only is she drunk but she is swiveling her generously proportioned hips out of sync with the music in an attempt to look seductive. What completely seals the deal is the fact that she is wearing a circa 1987 fanny pack which hops up and down her lumpy waste as she mindlessly grinds against the grimy looking pole.
I look at her with an expression that mirrors the same expression I get when I'm driving and start to wonder if I left the stove on.
Sara "She's wearing a fanny-pack. ha ha! Do you see this shit Kristen."
K: "I'm not sure what I'm seeing. I think I'm going into shock."
Sara: "ha ha."
K: "I knew I should have brought my leg-warmers. That's the fucking sexiest thing I've ever seen. I need to use the bathroom (my glance tells Sara I'm going to do drugs and she knows I'm asking if she wants to join me). I'm walking now through drunken college girls and shirtless sweaty gay men and even though I see the security guards it doesn't register until Sara taps my on the shoulder.
And Suddenly I'm standing in front of Brooks house where the birthday party is going on inside. Sara and Val are with me and we start walking toward the club. I suddenly realize we forgot someone.
K: "Where the fuck is Stacy, Val? Where the fuck is that bitch."
Val: "Oh shit. We have to turn around, she probably wondering where we went."
K: (annoyed) "Weren't you the one who asked her to come with us?"
Val: (looking like a guilty little kid) "yeah."
K: "FUCK"
Sara: (laughing) "OK, should we call her cell and tell her to meet us here and well wait for her? (were already halfway to the club when I realize Stacy was left behind.)"
K: "And tell her what? Meet us by the fucking palm tree next to the shitty car parked in front of the abandoned looking crack-house? That really narrows it down. How the hell is she gonna know which palm tree, which shitty car, or which cracked out looking house. Every fucking block looks the same."
Val and Sara are laughing hard at my sudden rage and I take a deep breath. Sara and I just did some lines in Brook's bathroom before we left and it along with the pill under my tongue are all dissolving into to me distilling into a pointing yet undirected anger but also a strange sense of over-confidence which comes across as meanness although I am not in reality angry at anyone or anything except perhaps myself. In fact I'm happy to be here, with my friends. I hate those long weeks spent completely alone and I am grateful to be invited but I cannot suspend my need for drugs. I cannot tell my body and mind to just wait it out, I'm too far gone and there is simply not the option of saying no or delaying the inevitable. I accept the inevitable. The inevitable is programmed into the multiple alarms on my cell phone which tell me when its time to swallow some benzodiazapines before withdrawal sets in and when I'm in the safe zone to dose on more amphetamine so at least I have a general idea of how much I've taken so I avoid overdosing. And discovering Sara tonight has made the inevitable a little more tolerable and her excitement and even her curiousity give me feel a little more alive.
"Nothing would ever change; nothing new could ever be expected. It had to end, and it did. now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things, and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out at me constantly, and I can count on nothing." - A Scanner Darkly
If this were a movie perhaps now you would watch the as the powder rushes out the bottom of a rolled up dollar and back into little orange lines on a mirrored surface. Perhaps you would see Sara's eyes open in slow motion as she leaned backwards and extended her arm taking the rolled bill from my hands. The camera would pan left as it captured her and I giggling and walking backwards out of the bathroom in slow motion to a perfectly synced soundtrack. Walking backwards through the house with technicolor tones, the house full of friends.And the camera would swing overhead and then pull out wide before zooming in to the couch we were sitting on. And now my eyes blink in slow motion as my mouth forms words unheard by the audience as I smile and lean in to tell Sara something. We have been sitting her talking for hours. She is asking me so many questions I start calling her the inquisitor. It makes me very nervous until she tells me something that changes everything. And shortly after she is watching left as I watch right to avoid discovery and in unison our heads tilt back and we both swallow a dose of slow death pulled from my purse. I open up more to her and she stops interrogating me (at least for a few minutes).
It's hours earlier now and she is firing questions at me in rapid succession about how I know that person or how I got to do work for this company or how I learned to do what I do. I decide she must be a recruiter. I get their emails everyday and their phone calls sound just as she does right now. I ask her if there will be a test later or if emailing her my resume would save her some time. She laughs it off saying she is just curious.
I don't trust her. I've learned living in California long enough to be wary of her attention. And in my mind I imagine her exending her hand, and as we shake hands I imagine her saying "Hi, My name is Sara. I was wondering how I can use you" as she smiles back at me warmly. I've seen so much fakeness in people that sadly now I expect it everytime I meet someone. I expect her to find out what I can do so she can manipulate me to her advantage. Why shouldn't thats exactly what I do at times. And with that said I'm typically extremely good at spotting it in others.
Yet I remain pleasant despite my growing mistrust and answer her questions honestly but with as little detail as possible. The thing is I WANT to trust her. I want to believe she simply enjoys talking to me. She is smart, funny, gorgeous, and a bit aggressive which I always find fascinating in others.
Minutes earlier and I'm glaring at Valentina standing in front of the counter full of food drinking her bud-light/Clamato as I explain to her that she is drinking shellfish. And a gorgeous girl with dark silky hair that's been glancing at me leans over the counter on the opposite side as she lays down a warm tray containing round play-doh looking objects and half are topped with a single piece of Edemame.
Its perhaps Tuesday now, a few days before I will be blindly racing through a very real darkness at a very real speed. Sara and I are sitting on my couch watching my favorite movie 'A Scanner Darkly'. She is grabbing a beer from the fridge and I ask her to grab me one as well. I never drink but I've started to occasionally lately and the combination of sedative-hypnotics and booze make me very drunk very fast. This of course is offset by the fact that we're both snorting line after line of amphetamine off the compact we pass back and forth with knowing glances. We talk about everything and nothing and I love every second of it. We talk about how funny and yet how very serious the 'ritual' of doing certain drugs are. You can get addicted to the ritual itself. Preparing the drug, cutting it, selecting what your going to use to administer it..a plastic straw, a rolled up bill, a glass pipe, a needle, an endless assortment of variations and techniques for each one. The art of poisoning yourself slowly. We talk late into the night and the night is shifting again to a few days before...
Its suddenly 2:17 AM Sunday Morning and I'm sitting in my car shivering slightly and playing with my i-pod as I glance every now and then at Stacy and Val standing in front of the car awkwardly groping and kissing each other in a drunken haze. Sara departed a half hour ago after we left the club and my phone lights up with a text message from her..
Sara: What up. It's Sara. Are all of you heading back to your place?
K: There in front of my car kissing and Val's trying to get her back to my place. I'm annoyed at this point.
Sara: Get those bitches to fuck!! Oh...And take pics!
K: Fuck! I know. I just wanna sleep.
Sara: And Stacy isn't down?!?! Wtf is wrong with her?
K: IDK, there just pg-13 kissing like their 12yr olds. I am bored and very tired at this point. What a waist of lesbianism.
Sara: Awe. Drop them off at Stacy's.
K: I'm ready to drop both their drunk asses off a cliff.
Sara: LMAO!
K: I hope you can sleep tonight. I have K-pins (Clonazepam) but what are you going to do?
Sara: Going to read. Sure I'll fall asleep eventually! I had fun with u! Glad we met!
K: Ha ha. eventually is probably more like tonight I'm going to read all of wikipedia and I'm going to drink 8 bottles of water and then I'm going to mop the kitchen floor and oh I should bake something!
Sara. HA HA!
K: I had fun with you too!
Time rewinds again and I'm sipping a coke as I glance over at Sara sitting next to me. We both smile. Her eyes are solid black. My heart is beating so fast and it feels tropical in here and I'm paranoid and happy and anxious and nauseous and fascinated with the girl next to me all at the same time. I tell her I can get Stacy and Val to kiss without actually telling them too. She smiles and tells me to do it.
A few minutes earlier and I'm sitting facing Val and Stacy sitting on bar stools kissing lightly. I look back at Sara and smile knowing I just demonstrated my well conditioned ability to manipulate people into doing things. Sara shakes her head in disbelief with a wide smile displaying amazement across her gorgeous face that makes me stare at her a few seconds too long before I catch myself and turn back to the other girls who seconds ago I gently encouraged to kiss by telling them I wanted photos and they had to get closer together. Then telling them it would be cute if Stacy were embracing Val. Then telling them how cute they look together. They giggle and I snap a few pics and act like somethings wrong.
"The flash washed the photo out. Lets try this again"
I motion them even closer together explaining because of the wall I can back up so they need to get even closer. I encourage them until Stacy is practically sitting on Valentina's lap.
"You guys look as happy as a couple of date-rape victims." They start laughing at my comment and it pulls them closer. "Common Stacy, look at that hot chick your holding. You guys are so fucking sexy." I act like I'm about the take another pic and they look at each other and kiss suddenly and I snap a pic with my cell phone and angle it so Sara sitting behind me can see the shot.
And now its earlier and Sara is pushing her weight against the bathroom door which looks a piece of plywood hanging on to the wall for dear life and painted a horrible shade of green which looks black in this dim light. Shes bent over snorting a line off my compact as I balance it in my palm. Someone wants to use the bathroom and we just look at each other with matching blank expressions and then start laughing quietly.
K: "Tell that cunt to fuck off"
Sara: "she pushing on the door, are you done?"
K: "almost"
I cut a big line out of the powder and inhale hard through the rolled up bill I pulled from my pocket. I can feel the junk slam into the back of my nasal cavity and in my mind I can almost see it as I imagine the powder hitting and rebounding off a pinkish surface like a shotgun blast. Its so much that my throat dries out in a matter of seconds and I start coughing and can't catch my breath.
K: "FUCK!"
Sara: "You OK?"
K: "yeah, lets get out of her before that fat bitch knocks the door down. Fucking cunt."
Its suddenly 2:17 AM Sunday Morning and I'm sitting in my car shivering slightly and playing with my i-pod as I glance every now and then at Stacy and Val standing in front of the car awkwardly groping and kissing each other in a drunken haze. Sara departed a half hour ago after we left the club and my phone lights up with a text message from her..
Sara: What up. It's Sara. Are all of you heading back to your place?
K: There in front of my car kissing and Val's trying to get her back to my place. I'm annoyed at this point.
Sara: Get those bitches to fuck!! Oh...And take pics!
K: Fuck! I know. I just wanna sleep.
Sara: And Stacy isn't down?!?! Wtf is wrong with her?
K: IDK, there just pg-13 kissing like their 12yr olds. I am bored and very tired at this point. What a waist of lesbianism.
Sara: Awe. Drop them off at Stacy's.
K: I'm ready to drop both their drunk asses off a cliff.
Sara: LMAO!
K: I hope you can sleep tonight. I have K-pins (Clonazepam) but what are you going to do?
Sara: Going to read. Sure I'll fall asleep eventually! I had fun with u! Glad we met!
K: Ha ha. eventually is probably more like tonight I'm going to read all of wikipedia and I'm going to drink 8 bottles of water and then I'm going to mop the kitchen floor and oh I should bake something!
Sara. HA HA!
K: I had fun with you too!
Time rewinds again and I'm sipping a coke as I glance over at Sara sitting next to me. We both smile. Her eyes are solid black. My heart is beating so fast and it feels tropical in here and I'm paranoid and happy and anxious and nauseous and fascinated with the girl next to me all at the same time. I tell her I can get Stacy and Val to kiss without actually telling them too. She smiles and tells me to do it.
A few minutes earlier and I'm sitting facing Val and Stacy sitting on bar stools kissing lightly. I look back at Sara and smile knowing I just demonstrated my well conditioned ability to manipulate people into doing things. Sara shakes her head in disbelief with a wide smile displaying amazement across her gorgeous face that makes me stare at her a few seconds too long before I catch myself and turn back to the other girls who seconds ago I gently encouraged to kiss by telling them I wanted photos and they had to get closer together. Then telling them it would be cute if Stacy were embracing Val. Then telling them how cute they look together. They giggle and I snap a few pics and act like somethings wrong.
"The flash washed the photo out. Lets try this again"
I motion them even closer together explaining because of the wall I can back up so they need to get even closer. I encourage them until Stacy is practically sitting on Valentina's lap.
"You guys look as happy as a couple of date-rape victims." They start laughing at my comment and it pulls them closer. "Common Stacy, look at that hot chick your holding. You guys are so fucking sexy." I act like I'm about the take another pic and they look at each other and kiss suddenly and I snap a pic with my cell phone and angle it so Sara sitting behind me can see the shot.
And now its earlier and Sara is pushing her weight against the bathroom door which looks a piece of plywood hanging on to the wall for dear life and painted a horrible shade of green which looks black in this dim light. Shes bent over snorting a line off my compact as I balance it in my palm. Someone wants to use the bathroom and we just look at each other with matching blank expressions and then start laughing quietly.
K: "Tell that cunt to fuck off"
Sara: "she pushing on the door, are you done?"
K: "almost"
I cut a big line out of the powder and inhale hard through the rolled up bill I pulled from my pocket. I can feel the junk slam into the back of my nasal cavity and in my mind I can almost see it as I imagine the powder hitting and rebounding off a pinkish surface like a shotgun blast. Its so much that my throat dries out in a matter of seconds and I start coughing and can't catch my breath.
K: "FUCK!"
Sara: "You OK?"
K: "yeah, lets get out of her before that fat bitch knocks the door down. Fucking cunt."
Speeding too fast around a too tight corner as tires screech through 1 AM darkness and I'm too spun to care. We're both laughing hysterically as I glance over at the dark haired beauty beside me. Her eyes reflect in oncoming light and they shine clearly like the thousand stars above us. We have been doing lines for hours and I glance in the rear view looking at my eyes now solid black and shiny like polished stones. We have known each other a week and it feels like I've always known her.
I smile back at my new friend.
Sara: "am I talking fast?"
K: "yeah"
Sara: "people tell me that but I'm not high."
K: "are you sure?"
Sara: "I just get excited about stuff."
K: "It's cute. I love listening to you talk. Your eyes get wide and you
always look like your right on the edge of discovering something.
Words flying at the speed of light and sometime I feel like someone
has spun me around a few times and I'm dizzy trying to take in
everything you say."
Sara: "wow. You said that really fast." (laughing both of us)
I accelerate and I notice I'm hitting 95mph. The freeway is mostly empty and I
start to slow as I pull up the ramp and turn towards her apartment.
And now its hours earlier and I'm playing with my food, making little swirls in rice noodles. Not hungry. I sip some overpriced bottled water that came in a giant tube that reminds me of an oversize vial. Sara is sitting across from me and were laughing about something. I start to make faces out of my mountain of pad Thai and she flashes me a curious look. She's talking about her family and how close they are and she is smiling as she says this. And I suddenly get it. I suddenly realize by her expression, her animated wide eyes, and the tone of her voice that she feels loved and accepted by them and more than that she feels part of something bigger than herself.
I'm happy for her and I ask her curiously about her sisters, her parents, what it was like growing up with them all. She is confident and radiant and I feel very lucky to be sitting here with her this instant. And almost to counter-balance my emotion, a sudden feeling of slipping over some invisible ledge. I'm trying my best to suppress this emotion and I refocus on what she is saying. I wonder what it must be like to have siblings. To grow up around others. To belong.
She is sipping some imported beer I don't recognize and I take the pause to excuse myself to the restroom. I quickly lock the door and throw my purse on top of the sink. I grab some ativan and chew it up quickly as I look for my contact lens case which is actually holding about 20 pills on one side and about 100mg of prescription amphetamine which I pre-crushed into a fine powder. I unscrew the lid marked with the giant R and pull the stylus out of my smart phone. I've learned this makes an excellent tiny shovel as the non-pointy end is molded to a slightly curved plane as acts as superbly as a tiny shovel.
Although I have not used it, I flush the toilet with my foot and proceed to turn on the water hoping if someone is waiting they will not hear me repeatedly scooping and snorting the tiny mountain of orange tinted powder. I pinch my nose together and look in the mirror making sure I've left no tell-tale trace. Then unscrewing the other cap I swallow a 20mg tab of the same substance, knowing it will not take effect at the same time. Someone is knocking on the door and I quickly pack it up. My nose is red but I don't care and I'm pretty sure it will not show in the dim light of the restraint. When I return I'm smiling and feeling much better until I sit down and realize she has paid the bill while I was in the bathroom getting high. I feel quite terrible now but despite my protest she simply smiles back.
And suddenly its morning now and I'm answering my cell to let one of my sub-contractors in. We simultaneously flip open laptops and I toss her a flash drive with my wifi keys. I'm thinking about what I should wear tonight when I see Sara. I think about wearing a dress but if she is not aware of me dressing up she might feel uncomfortable. I debate this as I go over the work plan and start setting up FTP connections to the server were working on. She was nice enough to stop and get me Starbucks on the way over and I'm grateful as I did too much Xanax last night and my 6am wake-up didn't come until 9:45am.
My mind struggling to find words which might make full sentences eventually if I get enough junk in my system to feel normal again. I finish the venti triple-shot coffee in the span of 5 minutes and proceed to pop open a red-bull and walk into my office making some excuse about forgetting my cell phone in there and quietly close the door and suck down my usual breakfast of lines and pills.
I'm actually going out to dinner tonight with a friend of hers although I never tell her this. What I do say is that I'm meeting a friend later and then ask her if she thinks I should wear the dress or just go casual. Shes looking at my closet full of clothes, half of which I have never worn when I pull the 9mm out from my bedside table and cheerfully say 'check out my new toy'.
Hanna: OMG Kristen.
K: it's not loaded. (rotating my wrist to show her the clip is not in the gun and then pulling and locking the slide back to show there is nothing in the chamber).
Hanna: That's Crazy.
K: well I have to move it before my housekeeper gets here and it scares the shit of of her and I didn't want to surprise you if you saw me carrying it to my office. Wanna hold it? (grin).
Hanna: Thanks, but I always tell people I've never even held a gun so that would
kinda ruin my streak.
K: You never held a gun? Don't be a pussy. Here. Catch! ( I'm acting but I never throw it)
Hanna: Kristen!
It's 2:03 AM. Seven hours and fifty-five minutes before I wake up to my cell ringing to let Hanna in. Thirteen hours and 17 minutes before I ask her what I should wear later that night. I'm curled up into a tight ball crying but not crying. A bottomless pit and the darkness trying to claw its way out of my body. I sit there catatonic not moving an inch yet the overwhelmingly sadness is manifesting itself in an almost constant unending stream of tears down my face, my neck, dripping onto my forearms crossed in front of me which are hugging my knees tightly as teeth grind and eyes are forced shut. I am shaking and my hand reaches out for the Xanax bottle beside me before I chew it up and finally letting it dissolve into my mouth...darkness follows and I'm falling, falling, falling. I wake up an hour later and cannot fall asleep until just after dawn.
I pull the slide to the Glock 19 back and lock it in place as the dealer asks me if I want this accessory or that accessory. I tell him I want two extra clips but they are out of stock. I ask for a box of hollow point bullets and he places them on the counter as I sign the receipt. I'm so tweaked out that I don't dare take off my sunglasses the entire time. Before I left the house I looked in the mirror and my eyes were solid black, a dead giveaway. I've been up for almost 3 days and I have no idea what happened other than staying up one night led to trying to fix myself for the next day which led to the second night being pure insomnia and here I am. It's twelve hours before I will come down. Twelve hours before I will shake and cry and wish anything could take this horrible and depraved feeling from overtaking me yet again. Too many lines, too many pills, too many hours, watching the sun rise too many times, and sleeping through hardly any of it. I pull back and flip the slide lock down and the gun violently coils back in a fraction of a second with the loud metallic snap. I place it in its case as the dealer puts the hollow points and the gun in a paper grocery bag, carefully folding the top down like I just bought some delicate cake from Ralph's and this will now protect it.
Time blurs into a panic of racing heartbeats and occasional shadows that mock me. I'm still traveling backwards and in this in between space, in this non-existence, nothing matters and everything matters way too much.
Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask with Gene Wilder
and
Life is not a problem to be solved, but rather a mystery to be lived.--Kirkegaard
and
Life is not a problem to be solved, but rather a mystery to be lived.--Kirkegaard
I left Eli in Siem Reap the other day and took a share taxi ride with six Cambodian non-English speakers to the city of Battambong in south western Cambodia.
It's a city of about two million, around the same size as Siem Reap buy very provincial by comparison. They are not geared up to chase after tourist dollar there like they are up the road.
For example, they have less that 100 moto drivers compared to countless swarms in Siem Reap. Sleepy little place with a big river through the middle and some nice old french colonial buildings.
When I arrived and left the taxicab I decided that I was going to walk until I found the river and then rest before picking a hotel. Thing was I had a full pack and a second bag and the temperature was pushing 40c and loads of humidity so I pretty much nearly died before admitting defeat and getting a moto to the river.
I mst have been a little dazed or something as upon arriving there I sat in the sun for half an hour before picking a hotel that looked walking distance from where I was seated and striking out for what turned out to be a three mile hike. Nearly died all over again before getting a room a collapsing:D
That was me done for the day as I had been drinking with a Khmer man I met at the guesthouse until the early hours in Siem Reap. I pretty much just stayed in the shade drinking water until the sun went away and then went downtown and had Cambodia's answer to the burrito for dinner.
The following morning I set off on Moto for Phnom Sampeau, where I had a local kid spend a few hours telling me about the history of the area and the old legends of how the hill was formed. He also showed me a water tank that used be a detention cell for over 400 people under the Khmer Rouge and the Killing caves - where they greviously wounded people and then threw them into this huge cavern to die.
It was almost impossible to reconcile this peaceful place, with it's temples and idols and breathtaking scenery, with such brutal and sad events. I had somebody describe vividly how they used eviscerate pregnant women having ct their babies from them and then throw both mother and child into the cavern. Insanity.
After leaving there I went to Phnom Banon a few miles away. The roads were graded dirt, and the effect was like driving on a dirtbike in a sandstorm with all kinds of crazy obstacles for the driver to dodge around.
Banon is the temple on Phnom Banon, phnom meaning hill and there were some ridiculous number of ancient steps to be climbed to get up there. Thing it was almost 400 in the heat. Happily I had the attention of a trio of ten year olds who trotted up the steps at either side of, and behind me, fanning me with their home-made jobbies%)
It was nice old temple, with stunning views of the countryside around for miles and miles. While I was up there I got talking to six young Khmer's, maybe around 19 or so. I drew a map of the world in the dist with an old bullet to explain the relative position of Ireland to Cambodia and we talked about our lives and countries for awhile. Learned some Khmer from them and taught them a little Irish in exchange. Smiles all round.
On the way back to town I stopped at te railway line, paid a few dollars to the man standing there and he dropped two small axles on the track, thew a wooden panel over the axles, whacked an outboard motor on back and we blasted off down this warped and twisted old rail line at a fine speed. I was convinced we would de-rail and break things, or that a fucking real train would appear from the opposite direction and smash us to bits at any moment!
That was about it for Battambang. Everything there closes at 10 or 11 apart from the karaoke so I went to a nice little bar by the river and read my book and talked to the owner for the night as the place was empty and I had only seen two other tourists in the whole town - and they must have been in a different bar.
Then yesterday morning I woke for the 8.30 bu to Phnom Penh, read all the way and got there around 2pm. I thought they were glad to see me, but it turned out the hundred or so Khmer men glued to the front and side of the bus were all moto drivers eager for a fare. I had to really shove, smiling all the time to save face, to get clear of the bastards and I bolted for a burger before finding a lonely looking driver to take me to my $3 guesthouse by the lake that won't exist in six months time as it's being filled for development.
It's basic as they come, no hot water and air-con, and standing on stilts out over the water. I bought a bag of weed within about ten seconds of entering the place, had a smoke and then spent last evening walking, moto-ing, eating and drinking my way around the city to get to know it.
It's certainly full on compared to the towns I have been in over the last week and a little intimidating too with traffic equaling total chaos.
I slept fitfully and this morning was out of bed before 6am and went to see the Killing Fields and the S20 detention centre. Both chilled me. I couldn't take my camera out of my bag in a place like that. It's truly horrifying, what took place there. The skulls, bones, cells, mass graves, implements of torture, clothes. . . I couldn't understand the people clambering all around with SLR's to get the perfect holiday shot. Cold.
I went down the markets this evening and bouth a zippo that must have belonged to a dead American G.I, if you go by it's age and inscription. It has a nice quote on the back: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the golden age in between. Haggled it to $4.
Went and visited a girlie bar after that and had two drinks with three beautiful women croucned in front of me on the bar, and one at each side or and behind me also. Then I took one of them to my guesthouse and we did fuck like bunnies for about three hours. Sweet woman, Mekarsh, who wants me to move in with her for the rest of my time in Phnom Penh so she can improve her English:D:D
I won't , but I will see her again before I leave.
Internet caf is closing up.
Over and out,
Jude
P.S. If I don't have crabs in the morning I never will!
It's a city of about two million, around the same size as Siem Reap buy very provincial by comparison. They are not geared up to chase after tourist dollar there like they are up the road.
For example, they have less that 100 moto drivers compared to countless swarms in Siem Reap. Sleepy little place with a big river through the middle and some nice old french colonial buildings.
When I arrived and left the taxicab I decided that I was going to walk until I found the river and then rest before picking a hotel. Thing was I had a full pack and a second bag and the temperature was pushing 40c and loads of humidity so I pretty much nearly died before admitting defeat and getting a moto to the river.
I mst have been a little dazed or something as upon arriving there I sat in the sun for half an hour before picking a hotel that looked walking distance from where I was seated and striking out for what turned out to be a three mile hike. Nearly died all over again before getting a room a collapsing:D
That was me done for the day as I had been drinking with a Khmer man I met at the guesthouse until the early hours in Siem Reap. I pretty much just stayed in the shade drinking water until the sun went away and then went downtown and had Cambodia's answer to the burrito for dinner.
The following morning I set off on Moto for Phnom Sampeau, where I had a local kid spend a few hours telling me about the history of the area and the old legends of how the hill was formed. He also showed me a water tank that used be a detention cell for over 400 people under the Khmer Rouge and the Killing caves - where they greviously wounded people and then threw them into this huge cavern to die.
It was almost impossible to reconcile this peaceful place, with it's temples and idols and breathtaking scenery, with such brutal and sad events. I had somebody describe vividly how they used eviscerate pregnant women having ct their babies from them and then throw both mother and child into the cavern. Insanity.
After leaving there I went to Phnom Banon a few miles away. The roads were graded dirt, and the effect was like driving on a dirtbike in a sandstorm with all kinds of crazy obstacles for the driver to dodge around.
Banon is the temple on Phnom Banon, phnom meaning hill and there were some ridiculous number of ancient steps to be climbed to get up there. Thing it was almost 400 in the heat. Happily I had the attention of a trio of ten year olds who trotted up the steps at either side of, and behind me, fanning me with their home-made jobbies%)
It was nice old temple, with stunning views of the countryside around for miles and miles. While I was up there I got talking to six young Khmer's, maybe around 19 or so. I drew a map of the world in the dist with an old bullet to explain the relative position of Ireland to Cambodia and we talked about our lives and countries for awhile. Learned some Khmer from them and taught them a little Irish in exchange. Smiles all round.
On the way back to town I stopped at te railway line, paid a few dollars to the man standing there and he dropped two small axles on the track, thew a wooden panel over the axles, whacked an outboard motor on back and we blasted off down this warped and twisted old rail line at a fine speed. I was convinced we would de-rail and break things, or that a fucking real train would appear from the opposite direction and smash us to bits at any moment!
That was about it for Battambang. Everything there closes at 10 or 11 apart from the karaoke so I went to a nice little bar by the river and read my book and talked to the owner for the night as the place was empty and I had only seen two other tourists in the whole town - and they must have been in a different bar.
Then yesterday morning I woke for the 8.30 bu to Phnom Penh, read all the way and got there around 2pm. I thought they were glad to see me, but it turned out the hundred or so Khmer men glued to the front and side of the bus were all moto drivers eager for a fare. I had to really shove, smiling all the time to save face, to get clear of the bastards and I bolted for a burger before finding a lonely looking driver to take me to my $3 guesthouse by the lake that won't exist in six months time as it's being filled for development.
It's basic as they come, no hot water and air-con, and standing on stilts out over the water. I bought a bag of weed within about ten seconds of entering the place, had a smoke and then spent last evening walking, moto-ing, eating and drinking my way around the city to get to know it.
It's certainly full on compared to the towns I have been in over the last week and a little intimidating too with traffic equaling total chaos.
I slept fitfully and this morning was out of bed before 6am and went to see the Killing Fields and the S20 detention centre. Both chilled me. I couldn't take my camera out of my bag in a place like that. It's truly horrifying, what took place there. The skulls, bones, cells, mass graves, implements of torture, clothes. . . I couldn't understand the people clambering all around with SLR's to get the perfect holiday shot. Cold.
I went down the markets this evening and bouth a zippo that must have belonged to a dead American G.I, if you go by it's age and inscription. It has a nice quote on the back: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the golden age in between. Haggled it to $4.
Went and visited a girlie bar after that and had two drinks with three beautiful women croucned in front of me on the bar, and one at each side or and behind me also. Then I took one of them to my guesthouse and we did fuck like bunnies for about three hours. Sweet woman, Mekarsh, who wants me to move in with her for the rest of my time in Phnom Penh so she can improve her English:D:D
I won't , but I will see her again before I leave.
Internet caf is closing up.
Over and out,
Jude
P.S. If I don't have crabs in the morning I never will!
The last week or so has sucked a big fat one. Work wise, far too busy. Too much stress. Also having 2 days off as my world crumbled did damage to an already damaged track record of absenteeism due to mental health problems.
I saw my shrink as I was having a crisis with a break up, also some other issues that he explained were very likely side effects of mianserin and seroquel. I thought i was getting fat but its fluid retention in my legs from those drugs. I have been taken off them and given valium to use for anxiety and sleep. I will not abuse that drug. Im smarter than that.
I also got an apology. Whether I accept it or not or if I can really be friends after being treated so poorly remains to be seen. But I think the 4 years of mutual respect will heal the hurt eventually. I care a lot about him but cant think straight enough to make any decisions about keeping a friendship going now.
I need to fix practical things. I cleaned up the house and put up an ad for a flat mate on the net. Less than 20 mins later, Declan the Irish builder rang and wanted to inspect. He just left. Hes moving in next week.
So Im relaxing about this house now. Also having a flat mate will be good company and he seems cool so it looks like Im not going to go downhill any more.
Liz always bounces back. Im smiling again!
I saw my shrink as I was having a crisis with a break up, also some other issues that he explained were very likely side effects of mianserin and seroquel. I thought i was getting fat but its fluid retention in my legs from those drugs. I have been taken off them and given valium to use for anxiety and sleep. I will not abuse that drug. Im smarter than that.
I also got an apology. Whether I accept it or not or if I can really be friends after being treated so poorly remains to be seen. But I think the 4 years of mutual respect will heal the hurt eventually. I care a lot about him but cant think straight enough to make any decisions about keeping a friendship going now.
I need to fix practical things. I cleaned up the house and put up an ad for a flat mate on the net. Less than 20 mins later, Declan the Irish builder rang and wanted to inspect. He just left. Hes moving in next week.
So Im relaxing about this house now. Also having a flat mate will be good company and he seems cool so it looks like Im not going to go downhill any more.
Liz always bounces back. Im smiling again!
"Hello."
K: "Hi Mom."
"Hi Kristen. How are you"
K: "I'm fine. How are you and dad doing."
"Were doing OK. Your father is outside mowing the lawn."
K: "oh, really?"
"Hows work going."
(I've learned from experience her estimation of me as a person is based on a formula which is based on my Income and level of business success. It's also her favorite topic.)
K: "Very busy, but very good. What are you both up too this week."
(at this point I mute the cell phone as I quickly open a new bottle of Klonopin. I don't want her to hear the click click click of the bottle and I press and open it).
"...and THEN she proceeded to tell me I needed to have this appointment pre-approved by our insurance. So I said forget it."
K: "Um, well if your sick don't you think you should go?"
Side Note:
I KNOW goddamn well she will not go to a doctor. She doesn't trust any of them and will instead complain about how rude their front office people are, or how poorly trained they are these days. It's interesting to note that while she harbors a deep hatred and mistrust for the medical profession she has never hesitated to hand me over to them like some sacrificial lamb from around age 5 onward. By 16, I had a team of specialists, was being dosed on Lithium and Trazodone, and Ambien to such a level I would often forget forget my phone number or home address when asked. She had, and still has a grim fascination with doctors and procedures and whatever pharmaceutical they had me on at the time. Ironically I can never once remember being sick. In fact I still never get sick. Ever. And I cannot figure out what her motivation was to do this.
"No. There all a bunch of nuts anyway. Remember that time, you were about 10, and they gave you the wrong drug at the pharmacy and you almost died."
K: "No, I don't remember that. What was I being treated for anyway? I don't ever remember being sick."
"I don't remember. Is it sunny there today?"
K: (note the change of subject) "Ah..yeah. It's Southern California. Everyday is the same here. Speaking of that. I was wondering if you and dad would want to come visit me for a week or two. I've been really stressed and would love to see you. I know dad has vacation time and I'll pay for the flight, rental car, hotel, whatever you want."
"Mmm. No, I don't think I want too."
K: "Oh. I just thought.."
"I JUST saw you in September, Kristen. (Read: 9 months ago) Besides I have plenty of stuff to do here and it's a long flight. (Read: I'm not worth the travel time.)
K: "Ok. I just thought it might be nice to see you. Your the only family I have."
" besides last time I was there you looked so tired and too thin. What did you eat today"
K: "Ya..I remember. You got off the plane and I went to give you a hug and you said "Jesus Kristen, you look like a damn junkie." Thanks for that by the way. I'm going to go now..tell dad I said hi."
"Ok. goodbye."
I got a question about jaw clenching.. i did 4 hits of exstasy and I want to know if exstasy can make you clench your jaw about a month or 2 after your high. i only did exstasy once.. well.. i tried 3 times but i wasnt high off it.. but the 4th time i did it i was real high..
Just Answer These Questions For me.
1. Do you jaw clench after your high is way long done even tho you did exstasy a month or 2 ago?
2. Do Long Term Effects go away after awhile? or is it for ever
3. Do you get a long term effects even tho you were high off it once.
4. Does Short Term temporary after effects means only after just a lil while after your high?
5. And is Long Term effects Give You headaches for ever or just a really long time
6. and how long is Long Term Effects?
7.Does Intermediate Side Effects mean When Your High on it. or the side effects after your high is long over.
plz answer this ASAP it would be helpful.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Just Answer These Questions For me.
1. Do you jaw clench after your high is way long done even tho you did exstasy a month or 2 ago?
2. Do Long Term Effects go away after awhile? or is it for ever
3. Do you get a long term effects even tho you were high off it once.
4. Does Short Term temporary after effects means only after just a lil while after your high?
5. And is Long Term effects Give You headaches for ever or just a really long time
6. and how long is Long Term Effects?
7.Does Intermediate Side Effects mean When Your High on it. or the side effects after your high is long over.
plz answer this ASAP it would be helpful.
Friday night and I'm swearing as I step out of still-running shower balancing on tip-toe and I hop naked into my hallway and grab the new bottle of shaving lotion off the counter. I hop again back onto the bathroom rug the run and back into the shower leaving a trail of water behind me. I hear my cell on the top of the toilet making a pinging sound and I wipe both wet hands and reach out and grab it pulling it into the shower but holding it above the stream of water and push open the miniature keyboard that looks like it was designed for Barbie. It's Valentina. FUCK. I told her be here by seven and I'm nowhere near ready. I have no concept of time. Hot water streams down my back and I turn and txt her back..
"I'm not ready - hair is wet. Park on st."
"tlk some vagrant n2 letting u n2 front g8t."
Val: "OK"
She hung out on my couch. We talked as I finished getting ready. Then, I popped an Ativan and 30mg of Adderal and crushed and snorted about 10mg more off my black Revlon double-mirror compact cutting the crushed drug into finer powder with the edge of my Starbucks card. At the same time wondering if I should use black or brown mascara.
Val: "(laugh) whats that?"
Kristen: "amp"
Val: "(staring)"
Kristen: "you want some?"
Val: "sure"
I snort another line and cut a tiny one for her.
Val: "(snorts line) I'm hungry"
Kristen: "wait, you won't be in about 10 minutes"
Val: "really?"
Kristen: lets go.
We need to stop by the store before the party and I pull swiftly into the parking lot as a people with carts jump out of my way. I don't tend to slow down. Inside I grab what I need quickly and then proceed to hunt for Val, who I find by the Deli Section.
Val: "(looking at the circular olive bar) I want an olive"
Kristen: "Bitch, reach in and take one. I don't care."
Val: "what if I don't like it?"
Kristen: "put it back in there. I don't give a fuck. Olives are gross, I'll never eat out of there. Especially now that you stuck your hand in there. You may as well lick a few and put them back at this point. We don't have time for that though, lets go Chicka."
I'm carrying some sort of meat-cheese tray and I'm secretly terrified imagining pepperoni or cheese juices running out of its plastic cover and onto my designer skirt. I hold it out from my body like its a vial of AIDS as Val looks at me, rolling her eyes.
Were listening to a selection on my I-pod I've entitled suicide-death-metal as I turn up the volume and coast through a series of back street intersections. "Sad but true" blares through the car as I drive onward.
We find the house quickly and as I enter my eyes dart quickly around the room looking for familiar lesbians. I know quite a few.
Brook: "Hey Kristen"
K: "Hey Brook, nice place, nice party, happy B-day girly"
I introduce Valentina to the few girls I know there and soon her and I are standing around looking at the impressive spread of food (non of it appealing to me despite the fact that all I've had all day is a Grande vanilla latte and a blueberry oat bar from the Bucks") I'm quite high on the amp and its making me talkative and slightly hostile. I start ordering Val to do stupid tricks with the food like balancing cheese blocks on her out-stretched tongue as I take pictures with a digital camera I found laying on the counter. As I do so I grab and lick the icing off a cupcake. I want the sugar. I take a bite of the cake part and throw the rest away.
A girl I would later come to know as Stacy walks up behind me and starts making comments on my "sculpture". Actually its my empty red-bull can topped with the cupcake wrapper flopped over top looking like a dysfunctional palm tree. A few of the girls are looking at me like I'm insane. I don't care at this point and continue to add ingredients to my statue. I'm laughing and my heart is pounding and watching val perform further escalates my frenzy.
Across the room I see a gorgeous girl with dark silky hair leaning against the back wall occasionally looking at me in a slightly sullen and expressionless way that immediately fascinates me not only because its typically my demeanor but I can sense something else familiar. I want to talk to her but I wait, I play with the food, I act uninterested as I top my creation with a maraschino cherry.
She casually walks over to the counter on the opposite site across a vast landscape of BBQ chips, meat and cheese, tiny sandwiches, and a dozen other food items I have no interest in. She lays down a warm tray containing round play-doh looking objects and half are topped with a single piece of Edemame. She flashes me a slight grin and I ask if there vegetarian. She says yes so I grab one and pop it into my mouth. I'm PRETTY sure I picked one with the edemame but I suddenly doubt myself as Val yells into my ear "you just ate chicken, ha ha". "No, I didn't, there vegetarian and your drunk off alcoholic shellfish juice (shes drinking Bud-Light-Clamato) so I hardly think your one to tell me what I'm eating. I look at the tall pretty stranger that might have just fed me chicken and say rather harshly "I thought you said these were vegetarian". "Oh, these are" (pointing to the Edamame topped side). My mind races trying to remember the sensation of the Edamame in my mouth but I cannot remember. At this, Val adds "Well Kristen, if you throw-up well know for sure you ate the wrong one". I try and give her my look of distain but my face is still partially frozen in botox and all I can do is give her a serious look which frustrates me even more.....to be continued.
This hurts.
But sometimes you gotta do the right thing and set someone who isn't happy free.
I am going to lay low a while and lick my wounds (no pun intended.)
Liz
But sometimes you gotta do the right thing and set someone who isn't happy free.
I am going to lay low a while and lick my wounds (no pun intended.)
Liz