My space is the only way I can blog at work cause I have to use my cell if I blog at all. Am a bit down. I don't like going on my space cause my former sponsor is one of my friends on there and I know she sees me. I feel a bit of peace from the chems, specifically the painkillers. This is gonna be a real problem because the insurance uped my copayment from $10 to $40 for those damn pills. Meth isn't exactly cheap either, same price $40 bags when I get them. Obviously am gonna need to cut way back on the meth if I'm to survive financially, but for now at least I don't feel like crap.
You know, after all is said and done, horny or not, AFF profile or not, Brendan included, when it gets right down to it, the fact is that I cannot go through with meeting any of these men. They've been very nice to me in their emails on AFF, but Cali men move too fast for my taste. If I were to agree to meet up and go out with one of these guys, just the knowledge that sex is on their agenda ASAP, fucks with my mind making it impossible for me to be able to even think about responding. Ironically, if I'm in a situation say where sex is not an expectation, at least not to my knowledge, I CAN become attracted to someone if we connect mentally.
As for Brendan, sure I still care about him and I guess I'll always be grateful to him for helping me finally get over the self body hatred, and start appreciating my looks even if my body is not my idea of perfection. At this weight, I'm completely ok. Still, perhaps it's due in part to my worried/depressive states I've had lately, but much as I like and enjoy Brendan, I've cooled my jets with him by about 95% to be sure. He still sends the sweet IMs and emails, hot and heavy, but for practical purposes, there's no point in wasting energy getting all steamed up over someone I can't have, even once in a while due to the distance for one. Also, hell, to be honest, feeling conflicted and upset over my drug use and/or lack of, the sadness, the questions about what the hell am I all about anyway anymore, in my mind renders sex inappropriate.
Do I wanna be clean? Do I wanna stay loaded or go on a schedule? Lately I don't even know anymore, other than I don't want either. Confusion and sadness sets in at the lack of sense this makes. I only wish I could discipline my mind to where I can have sobriety but not have to lose my creativity, control my appetite, and no longer be able to achieve sexual arousal/orgasm. That's what sucks about being sober for me, I lose all the above, yet if I use then there are other equally tough problems. Perhaps I'll never learn. Sigh.
You know, after all is said and done, horny or not, AFF profile or not, Brendan included, when it gets right down to it, the fact is that I cannot go through with meeting any of these men. They've been very nice to me in their emails on AFF, but Cali men move too fast for my taste. If I were to agree to meet up and go out with one of these guys, just the knowledge that sex is on their agenda ASAP, fucks with my mind making it impossible for me to be able to even think about responding. Ironically, if I'm in a situation say where sex is not an expectation, at least not to my knowledge, I CAN become attracted to someone if we connect mentally.
As for Brendan, sure I still care about him and I guess I'll always be grateful to him for helping me finally get over the self body hatred, and start appreciating my looks even if my body is not my idea of perfection. At this weight, I'm completely ok. Still, perhaps it's due in part to my worried/depressive states I've had lately, but much as I like and enjoy Brendan, I've cooled my jets with him by about 95% to be sure. He still sends the sweet IMs and emails, hot and heavy, but for practical purposes, there's no point in wasting energy getting all steamed up over someone I can't have, even once in a while due to the distance for one. Also, hell, to be honest, feeling conflicted and upset over my drug use and/or lack of, the sadness, the questions about what the hell am I all about anyway anymore, in my mind renders sex inappropriate.
Do I wanna be clean? Do I wanna stay loaded or go on a schedule? Lately I don't even know anymore, other than I don't want either. Confusion and sadness sets in at the lack of sense this makes. I only wish I could discipline my mind to where I can have sobriety but not have to lose my creativity, control my appetite, and no longer be able to achieve sexual arousal/orgasm. That's what sucks about being sober for me, I lose all the above, yet if I use then there are other equally tough problems. Perhaps I'll never learn. Sigh.