im the type of person that always has to be busy. i have to have an agenda or purpose; without it im lost (youre virgo is showing). i have to be organised, and my mind entertained 24/7. i have to be in control of every fucking pointless (and not so pointless) area of my life and always be busy; without that; i crumble and ponder. procrastination is bad, mmkay. not for others; but it tears me, limb from limb.
i love routines, projects and research and if im bored i pity those closest to me as i strive to look for something new and drive them crazy in the meanwhile. i fear that if i stop; ill think/feel too deeply; if i think/feel on that level; ill become miserable; if i become miserable ill be of no use to anyone; if im of no use; i may as well be dead. it makes no sense to me either; but im a fit little shit with a ruthless attitude; and its only now as im turning 30 that i accept that.
its a wierd and burned out journey im on; but one that ill never stop. i dont even know where the pause button is, nor would i know what to do with it in my possession.
today was supposed to be a day of rest, but rest is something i cant do. armed with a beanie, multiple layers of clothing and powerade i did my ironing, paid my bills, contacted wageline and the ato about the issues with my pay, tore apart my kitchen cupboards, scrubbed the bathrooms and reorganised my walk in robe.
im a fucking retard. i was supposed to rest; and will suffer for the remainder of the week for my silly efforts; but feel accomplishment through mindless achievement. god knows why.
when mr cat arrived home he pissed himself laughing when he'd realised what id done and said "youll never change"; but i hope i do.
goodnight bluelight
i love routines, projects and research and if im bored i pity those closest to me as i strive to look for something new and drive them crazy in the meanwhile. i fear that if i stop; ill think/feel too deeply; if i think/feel on that level; ill become miserable; if i become miserable ill be of no use to anyone; if im of no use; i may as well be dead. it makes no sense to me either; but im a fit little shit with a ruthless attitude; and its only now as im turning 30 that i accept that.
its a wierd and burned out journey im on; but one that ill never stop. i dont even know where the pause button is, nor would i know what to do with it in my possession.
today was supposed to be a day of rest, but rest is something i cant do. armed with a beanie, multiple layers of clothing and powerade i did my ironing, paid my bills, contacted wageline and the ato about the issues with my pay, tore apart my kitchen cupboards, scrubbed the bathrooms and reorganised my walk in robe.
im a fucking retard. i was supposed to rest; and will suffer for the remainder of the week for my silly efforts; but feel accomplishment through mindless achievement. god knows why.
when mr cat arrived home he pissed himself laughing when he'd realised what id done and said "youll never change"; but i hope i do.
goodnight bluelight