Sigh. Feelin like crap again. When one has no money, it's almost fucking impossible to get out of the trouble you're in. Charger on cell no longer works, so no calls, txt, net only voice mail. Got new phone, have to take bus home from work 2maro, stop at T Mobile store 2 trade loaner fone, sim card, but still be w/o fone until I get home to get all the crap on new Wi Fi settled. The signal sucks in the house, especially in my room, so got fone that is compatable with home phone service as I have my own T Mobile tower for land line. Glad that's resolved. Mechanic is going to buy the worthless car that don't work off me for $250. The fun part is having to get a new one for $1000 or less. That's the thing. My mindset, I don't want to do anything. I feel I'm fucked, that life
is hopeless. Every time I try quitting meth, by the 2nd day struggle with this chronic fatigue all over again, goddamn it. That's even WITH the supplements. If I didn't have 2 work, I could suffer through this shit, but a couple months back or however long ago it was, even after 12 days w/o meth I was still tired 24/7 and w/o enthusiasm of any kind. Before that, it was the fucking Tramadol kick, same fucking problem, except I was 60 lbs heavier. This went on for MONTHS. I give up. When I was still clean off street and Rx dope, I prayed and prayed for this to end or at least SOMETHING to get me through this. I DO have to work for a living and what the fuck, can barely get thru my easy ass night job? I tried the MD, she ordered shitloads of blood work, b4 my relapse, couldn't find anything wrong, plus am stuck with a $400 bill I can't afford even with insurance. How the fuck
I supposed to function when this cocksucking CRAP fatigue just lingers on and on with no end in sight? So finally, after 9 months dickn around with it the right way, found out that when I went off Tramadol completely or weened slowly, the fatigue kicked my ass. That's when I tried home detox of E, then Seraquil for next 2 days. So by the 3rd day still the fatigue, I took more Seraquil, by day 4 I STILL felt like crap and couldn't afford any more time off work, as I had planned ahead so I'd have 5 days off. Well detox failed and I couldn't continue to work being a zombie falling asleep there even if I had 8 hrs sleep, or more, or less at home. Of course, yes I admit I AM guilty of enjoying my relapse, the fun part anyway, but now that the party is over, faced with the same fucking problem that I don't know how to fix. I would willingly go back on the scheduled using plan,
which worked well for me in the past, but can't seem to do that with this chronic motherfucking fatigue, So I'm pissed off, what the fuck does God want from me? I quit contact with NA friends coz I knew there would be questions I didn't want to answer. Junkie friends are great for hanging out, socializing, and partying, but the only one that has really shown any reciprical favors is my connect, Rich. He came through twice when I needed shit to function with no ride because he was/is still very grateful that I drove him to bum fuck Egypt where he worked when he didn't have a ride. I didn't expect anything, but got $8 for gas money as I was fucked financially, but still junkie friends are not there for you when you need them unless there is something in it for them. That's what I loved about NA friends. I did what I could to help others and others helped me even when I had no money or no dope. I MISS that. I only wish junkies would grasp the same concept. The only other person that's worth a damn that way sometimes is Linda, to be fair, she has helped me out when I was feeling the wrath of chronic fatigue and no honest connects in site. I returned the
favor by giving her a bag 4 free a wk or so later. Dave, Aimee, or Mike won't help w/o money, and even then half the time don't feel like it. Well, I got an idea last week and yeah I'm disappointed with Dave in that all the fucking free dope I gave him over the years....plus having free house, car, phone, everything, he and his wife don't work, won't help me out when I offer him $ to take me to work, I never hear from him unless he wants dope, then he blows up my fucking fone. I got pissed and told him so and he said he just feels like a zombie thats why. "Well dude you're in a better position than I am. You have free rent, your cars work, and if you can't afford to fix it, your Dad helps you out. What is there to be depressed about?" No matter. Fine. So, there is more than one way to skin a cat, so they say and I sent him a text saying if he wants to take me to work on a specific night, I'll give him a dime. He tried to bargain for a $20 bag, but said nope don't have a 20.
Finally after 8 hrs, he started blowing up fone again just like I knew he wud and I got a ride that way. Two can play this game. Aimee and Linda 1/2 the time are late and unreliable, as junkies are so famous for and Mike is usually off meeting some gay guy for sex plus he and Mom are sayn shit behind my back, "Yeah she's using again...." blah blah. Hey do they have a solution for the chronic fatigue then? I give up. I hate dealing with the demands of life sober other than going to work and paying phone, net, rent, ect. It's the crap of having to look for car, sent certified letter to these people about student loans, tax garnishment, whatever. Under the influence, I hate it even more, but can't do ANYTHING once off meth for 2 or more days. I despise myself for my weakness. I can't get my hands on Ibogaine, or you know what? I would. I'd just detox, be done with it, get off this shit, and from what I've read, the Ibogaine resets your neurotransmitters back to where they were before you started using. I'd gladly take the cure, but of course even if I had $600,
I'd have 2 send 2 Canadian address and I don't have anyone that will send it on 2 me, too bad. I can't do rehab because I'd have to pay 1/2 the cost, so let's not even go there. So while it is my fault for taking Tramadol in the first place, I did so not knowing it would release the beast all over again. I can think of only one more thing to try. Go off meth, by day 3 take 6 ephedra pills a day, maybe 8 to hopefully NOT be asleep 24/7? Aside from that, my only other option seems to be do meth only every 3rd day just to stay normal. That option is simple, but not easy being a fucking fiend like I turned into. Mom has said a few times she wants the "old" Tanya back. Fucking hell, you know what? So do I, but I'm trapped.
is hopeless. Every time I try quitting meth, by the 2nd day struggle with this chronic fatigue all over again, goddamn it. That's even WITH the supplements. If I didn't have 2 work, I could suffer through this shit, but a couple months back or however long ago it was, even after 12 days w/o meth I was still tired 24/7 and w/o enthusiasm of any kind. Before that, it was the fucking Tramadol kick, same fucking problem, except I was 60 lbs heavier. This went on for MONTHS. I give up. When I was still clean off street and Rx dope, I prayed and prayed for this to end or at least SOMETHING to get me through this. I DO have to work for a living and what the fuck, can barely get thru my easy ass night job? I tried the MD, she ordered shitloads of blood work, b4 my relapse, couldn't find anything wrong, plus am stuck with a $400 bill I can't afford even with insurance. How the fuck
I supposed to function when this cocksucking CRAP fatigue just lingers on and on with no end in sight? So finally, after 9 months dickn around with it the right way, found out that when I went off Tramadol completely or weened slowly, the fatigue kicked my ass. That's when I tried home detox of E, then Seraquil for next 2 days. So by the 3rd day still the fatigue, I took more Seraquil, by day 4 I STILL felt like crap and couldn't afford any more time off work, as I had planned ahead so I'd have 5 days off. Well detox failed and I couldn't continue to work being a zombie falling asleep there even if I had 8 hrs sleep, or more, or less at home. Of course, yes I admit I AM guilty of enjoying my relapse, the fun part anyway, but now that the party is over, faced with the same fucking problem that I don't know how to fix. I would willingly go back on the scheduled using plan,
which worked well for me in the past, but can't seem to do that with this chronic motherfucking fatigue, So I'm pissed off, what the fuck does God want from me? I quit contact with NA friends coz I knew there would be questions I didn't want to answer. Junkie friends are great for hanging out, socializing, and partying, but the only one that has really shown any reciprical favors is my connect, Rich. He came through twice when I needed shit to function with no ride because he was/is still very grateful that I drove him to bum fuck Egypt where he worked when he didn't have a ride. I didn't expect anything, but got $8 for gas money as I was fucked financially, but still junkie friends are not there for you when you need them unless there is something in it for them. That's what I loved about NA friends. I did what I could to help others and others helped me even when I had no money or no dope. I MISS that. I only wish junkies would grasp the same concept. The only other person that's worth a damn that way sometimes is Linda, to be fair, she has helped me out when I was feeling the wrath of chronic fatigue and no honest connects in site. I returned the
favor by giving her a bag 4 free a wk or so later. Dave, Aimee, or Mike won't help w/o money, and even then half the time don't feel like it. Well, I got an idea last week and yeah I'm disappointed with Dave in that all the fucking free dope I gave him over the years....plus having free house, car, phone, everything, he and his wife don't work, won't help me out when I offer him $ to take me to work, I never hear from him unless he wants dope, then he blows up my fucking fone. I got pissed and told him so and he said he just feels like a zombie thats why. "Well dude you're in a better position than I am. You have free rent, your cars work, and if you can't afford to fix it, your Dad helps you out. What is there to be depressed about?" No matter. Fine. So, there is more than one way to skin a cat, so they say and I sent him a text saying if he wants to take me to work on a specific night, I'll give him a dime. He tried to bargain for a $20 bag, but said nope don't have a 20.
Finally after 8 hrs, he started blowing up fone again just like I knew he wud and I got a ride that way. Two can play this game. Aimee and Linda 1/2 the time are late and unreliable, as junkies are so famous for and Mike is usually off meeting some gay guy for sex plus he and Mom are sayn shit behind my back, "Yeah she's using again...." blah blah. Hey do they have a solution for the chronic fatigue then? I give up. I hate dealing with the demands of life sober other than going to work and paying phone, net, rent, ect. It's the crap of having to look for car, sent certified letter to these people about student loans, tax garnishment, whatever. Under the influence, I hate it even more, but can't do ANYTHING once off meth for 2 or more days. I despise myself for my weakness. I can't get my hands on Ibogaine, or you know what? I would. I'd just detox, be done with it, get off this shit, and from what I've read, the Ibogaine resets your neurotransmitters back to where they were before you started using. I'd gladly take the cure, but of course even if I had $600,
I'd have 2 send 2 Canadian address and I don't have anyone that will send it on 2 me, too bad. I can't do rehab because I'd have to pay 1/2 the cost, so let's not even go there. So while it is my fault for taking Tramadol in the first place, I did so not knowing it would release the beast all over again. I can think of only one more thing to try. Go off meth, by day 3 take 6 ephedra pills a day, maybe 8 to hopefully NOT be asleep 24/7? Aside from that, my only other option seems to be do meth only every 3rd day just to stay normal. That option is simple, but not easy being a fucking fiend like I turned into. Mom has said a few times she wants the "old" Tanya back. Fucking hell, you know what? So do I, but I'm trapped.