[As an after thought from last entry, here's what I find very upsetting. First off, withdrawal has been my biggest obstacle to returning to a "normal" life and there is no help for me because even when I was clean I was fucking broke all the time due to these fuckhead bills from the past. It's so frustrating! Now that I'm not clean, haha, make that x 4, less pay, less hrs, more bills. Withdrawal is my #1 problem. I want to stop, but cannot go on sleeping every free goddamned minute I'm not at work. Trying to do anything feels like torture and an uphill fight trying to stay awake. Plus, all practical solutions either detox or Ibogaine would require money, which I don't have. I'd like to check into a Vancouver Motel the cheapest dive available, just to have a Canadian address 2 purchase Ibogaine and kick. Then I can get back to business, dealing with crap that's holding me down. Dream on, that's not possible without money, haha.
After numerous attemps, 9 months being the longest and STILL feeling tired, what now? I don't mind having to take the bus home from work if I have to but taking it to work is a drag both with the time it takes (2 hrs each way) and the limited hrs of operation at night around here, so I'm stuck having to pay someone. Thank God for Sam. I couldn't get a hold of Linda or Aimee because Cody is on the computer or one of his friends. Mike has plans and I won't bother asking Dave even though I can pay him because I don't have dope. Nice friends. Hey, it's all good. Like I told Johnny after helping him out when he wouldn't call me back when my car died, "don't call me next time you find yourself in a jam." I drove him all over bum fuck Egypt one day after work cause he begged me for help, no one else would help him and his car got impounded for parking in no parking zone, so I spent all day w/o sleep helping his ass, for no money and didn't want the dope he offered. I finally did suck the glass dick just to shut him up, but told him he's wasting it my tolerance is too high.
I'm lucky Mom hasn't gotten a wild hair and kicked me out. I'd have a job, but no car to live in, lucky me. Ok so the only practical solutions are do meth every other day, only enough to NOT sleep 24/7 or try the ephedra. I despise myself for lacking the discipline to just do dope every other day, only enuff to be "normal." That only comes after slow practice. It's easier for me when I no there is no dope in the house, hence the ephedra. The supplements by themselves didn't cut it, so not sure how well the ephedra would work. Years ago when they were legal, I'd say they cut the withdrawals in half. I don't remember being tired 24/7, simply not feeling enthusiastic about anything. I forced myself to go on 2 or 3 walks a day, even when I didn't feel like it, but at least I wasn't so fucking tired all the time. Mom to be fair tries to be helpful in her own way, but I can't just tell the whole truth lest I get put out on my ass. If only it were simply a matter of not using and feeling normal, once the bag is empty, I'd do it and not re up.
What is frustrating is when I was sober I couldn't resolve the damn weight issue no matter how hard I tried or what I did. I lost all creativity for writing, a sacrifice that was fucked up and I missed terribly, but put up with figuring that's the price I have to pay for staying clean. The chronic fatigue was the final straw though. And when I'm using, there's no serious obesity or chronic fatigue so long as I use 3-4 days a week, and I can write, but can't do the normal social activities or get all my shit taken care of. Sober, I really tried and made serious efforts to resolve the fat and fatigue issue. It felt like I got God's help resolving everything else BUT those 2 issues. I'm at 180 lbs I could try maintaining and not buy candy when I have the urge or fast food. I don't know what to do anymore. I fucking despise myself for being so goddamned weak and can't seem to get anywhere. That's the thing. When I was sober, I was stuck with the fat issue, but DID have help/support from NA members. Being a junkie, however, as far as getting help without money, I'm on my own. I feel like saying, fuck everyone, except for Rich and my Mom. I can ask for God's help I guess, but outside of that, the only help I get is gonna have to come from me, myself, and I. God knows I want to say to hell with the goddamned dope too.
/B]
After numerous attemps, 9 months being the longest and STILL feeling tired, what now? I don't mind having to take the bus home from work if I have to but taking it to work is a drag both with the time it takes (2 hrs each way) and the limited hrs of operation at night around here, so I'm stuck having to pay someone. Thank God for Sam. I couldn't get a hold of Linda or Aimee because Cody is on the computer or one of his friends. Mike has plans and I won't bother asking Dave even though I can pay him because I don't have dope. Nice friends. Hey, it's all good. Like I told Johnny after helping him out when he wouldn't call me back when my car died, "don't call me next time you find yourself in a jam." I drove him all over bum fuck Egypt one day after work cause he begged me for help, no one else would help him and his car got impounded for parking in no parking zone, so I spent all day w/o sleep helping his ass, for no money and didn't want the dope he offered. I finally did suck the glass dick just to shut him up, but told him he's wasting it my tolerance is too high.
I'm lucky Mom hasn't gotten a wild hair and kicked me out. I'd have a job, but no car to live in, lucky me. Ok so the only practical solutions are do meth every other day, only enough to NOT sleep 24/7 or try the ephedra. I despise myself for lacking the discipline to just do dope every other day, only enuff to be "normal." That only comes after slow practice. It's easier for me when I no there is no dope in the house, hence the ephedra. The supplements by themselves didn't cut it, so not sure how well the ephedra would work. Years ago when they were legal, I'd say they cut the withdrawals in half. I don't remember being tired 24/7, simply not feeling enthusiastic about anything. I forced myself to go on 2 or 3 walks a day, even when I didn't feel like it, but at least I wasn't so fucking tired all the time. Mom to be fair tries to be helpful in her own way, but I can't just tell the whole truth lest I get put out on my ass. If only it were simply a matter of not using and feeling normal, once the bag is empty, I'd do it and not re up.
What is frustrating is when I was sober I couldn't resolve the damn weight issue no matter how hard I tried or what I did. I lost all creativity for writing, a sacrifice that was fucked up and I missed terribly, but put up with figuring that's the price I have to pay for staying clean. The chronic fatigue was the final straw though. And when I'm using, there's no serious obesity or chronic fatigue so long as I use 3-4 days a week, and I can write, but can't do the normal social activities or get all my shit taken care of. Sober, I really tried and made serious efforts to resolve the fat and fatigue issue. It felt like I got God's help resolving everything else BUT those 2 issues. I'm at 180 lbs I could try maintaining and not buy candy when I have the urge or fast food. I don't know what to do anymore. I fucking despise myself for being so goddamned weak and can't seem to get anywhere. That's the thing. When I was sober, I was stuck with the fat issue, but DID have help/support from NA members. Being a junkie, however, as far as getting help without money, I'm on my own. I feel like saying, fuck everyone, except for Rich and my Mom. I can ask for God's help I guess, but outside of that, the only help I get is gonna have to come from me, myself, and I. God knows I want to say to hell with the goddamned dope too.
/B]